Personality Type: The Jetta Driver

Aaah, The Jetta. I think the cars are synonymous with the words, “I want one of those” in the female and homosexual communities. Don’t get me wrong now, I love & respect both communities, but let’s not kid ourselves, the Jetta is not a car for the normal guy. That is, if the normal guy is not a chump.

This is not a Personality Type on the Chump (I’ll try to get Jackson to do a Personality Type on the Chump), but one on the drivers of Jettas.

The Jetta is a classic car for your typical chump on the prowl for women (that is, women who are in high school or early years of college). Why? Very simple. Because you have something they want. It’s the same with other wonders of the world…money, large house, cute puppy, large penis, etc etc. You have something. They want a piece! The closest thing to owning a Jetta is being close to someone who has one. The chump gets what he wants. The woman gets her desires fulfilled. Very simple concept, indeed.

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15 comments
Shortyssk8r353
Shortyssk8r353

I'm 29 married with a 7 year old daughter and a new baby coming and I recently traded in my F150 for a 2013 Jetta. I am not "on the prowl" or a "chump" I simply wanted a sharp looking 4 door sedan with decent options and gas mileage. 

The Jetta is a very nice looking car the front spoiler adds to it's aggressive appearance, and I got it in Jet Black with Black/carbon interior. I think this article is all kinds of wrong. 

mary caroline
mary caroline

i think this is somewhat accurate....i just turned 16 and got the jetta. it's a good car though.

quality article. except i'm not a daddy's girl, but other jetta drivers i know fit into your three categories.

es
es

i just read this today. wahahahha f*ckin hilarious! this is quality, mate.

Mike
Mike

I'm not gay, nor do I wear Abercrombie clothing, and I don't drink ANY coffee.

I think you're the chump. You sit and write bullshit articles, go outside, please, and get a life.

Eric
Eric

Your analysis is quite flawed. The last time I was car shopping I had agreed to buy a four-door automatic, as my wife was pregnant and she doesn't like to drive a stick. I test drove a bunch of cars, including Accords, Camry's a few forgettable models. The fact is, the Jetta was the most fun to drive. It's fast and responds to the road well. And I bought it new for less that $20k.

The best way to describe Jetta drives is that we like to drive, but we don't like buying BMWs, Mercedes or Porsches.

idubsofucku
idubsofucku

Ya, that article is retarted. The fact that you took the whole jetta driver is gay stereotype so far that you wrote that, kinda makes me think you are a chump. Jetta's and vw's alike are great cars. The quality for the price is uncomparable. What do you drive anyway? What is accomplished by slamming on vw's and their drivers? I dont understand how that makes you any more of a real man than the guy driving the jetta.. fuck you too btw.

Frank
Frank

You're analysis is fatally flawed and you assume way too much. What if I drive a Jetta simply because it's the only sedan (other than a highly expensize Mercedes 300 CDI) offered in this country with a diesel engine. Thus, it provides me with the best possible fuel economy in a country where gasoline and diesel have become quite expensive. Why can't that be a reason why a normal guy drives a Jetta. It's certainly a smart reason.

Frank

billy bob
billy bob

I don't know about that stereotype. that is like saying all black people are good at sports. I bought a pretty cheap jetta a few weeks ago. I spent a few hundred dollars on bitches the other day at Adelitas, Chicago Club, and bunch of other places in TJ that have some fine ass mexican bitches. I guess I am a chump but it is better than riding the bus. the gas mileage is ok and the warranty is pretty good. I just needed something to get around in for the time being and the price was pretty cheap. I thought about a scion or honda but I wanted something where I could pay it off pretty quick and the amount of time I had to get to car, I just got this.

blahblahsneeze
blahblahsneeze

Hah! I found this analysis humorous yet hauntingly true. . . As a gay man, I must say the author has a rather keen sense of observation similar to so-called, "gaydar." Most of my gay friends find the Jetta's design appealing, comfortable and the driving experience exceptional. The car has amazing handling ability and is an affordable alternative to other more overrated German-engineered makes like BMW and Mercedes. Aside from the "gay" character, I definitely see the "chump" and "daddy's girl" Jetta drivers on the road. I don't drink corporate coffee and I don't care too much for labels (must be discreet, yet fashionable) and although I am a proud member of a college fraternity, I don't find it necessary to advertise it with tacky bumper stickers much less having it be seen parked in any Cheesecake Factory parking lot. Kudos to you sir for your analysis. I'd like to see your observation about the Toyota 4X4 truck-driving sorts. I think there's something there worth checking out. . . . . Cheers!

Moelicious
Moelicious

"Supposedly owning a jetta means I’m gay, or a chump. That’s fucking ridiculous."

I stopped reading there b/c it's so fucking true you have no idea.

dude, we have years & years of experience w/ this stuff.

Trust me.

doesn't matter
doesn't matter

I'm definitely going to disagree with this ENTIRE article. I mean only recently have I heard that "if a female owns a beetle, she's a lesbian,' and the only reason I've heard of this jetta thing was because a buddy of mine brought it up. Supposedly owning a jetta means I'm gay, or a chump. That's fucking ridiculous.

"What characteristics define this chump? The Classic Jetta Chump is a (most often white) male in their late - early 20s. If he’s in college, 4 out of 5 times, he’s in a frat. He drinks Starbucks coffee. He Eats @ the Cheesecake Factory. He wears Abercrombie & Fitch. Lastly, he most probably lifts with a wife-beater on, so he can A) look @ himself in the mirror as he does curls & B) so he can attract his women. In other words, he has no mercy."

Well, I'm not in a frat, I don't drink star bucks, dunkin donuts all the way, cheesecake factory? WTF, I fucking HATE abercrombie, never even walked into one of those places, and I've never owned a wife beater, but I do have money. The fact that I had a girlfriend 3 years prior to my owning a Jetta, I guess that erases all doubt. On top of which my decision to buy the jetta was because I owned a dodge neon prior to that, the typical school going kid owning a shitty car, granted it was better than my 4 friends escorts. I simply decided to upgrade my quality of driving. VW's a built like rocks, fuck the whole chevy like a rock saying, my car's got 175k+ miles on it and it still purs like a kitten. It's a nice car, fully loaded I might add, that gets on average 38-40mpg. How much more economically correct could I get? I mean, outside of buying a hybrid, which if you ask me are just shitty cars.

I guess there's this whole idea going around that Jettas are an expensive car? Please, so me expensive means 45K or more, then again even a Cadillac is cheaper than that, I suggest changing the type of car to Audi. Personally they're more expensive, eventhough they're cousins of VW, also I've see these stereotypical people you describbed driving audi TT's, Audi A4's, etc, but certainly not a VW Jetta, I know several people who own them, guys and girls a like, and with the exception of 1, the rest aren't even close to the stereotype. Try Van or Chuck Taylor wearing, dunkin donut or gas station drinking, hot topic or some kind of outlet store wearing, pin stripped or chord pants wearing, lets go to ozzfest listening person. Maybe you should move out of that rich community you're in and see what a REAL person does with their life. Just because someone owns something doesn't mean they're that type of person. Like I said, I bought this simply as an upgrade from a POS beater car. It's economical, comfortable and just makes sense.

Judiciously
Judiciously

The only Jetta owner I've known was a brainy, anti-establishment, Reed College radical. Not sheltered or pampered and hated designer crapola. Wouldn't be caught dead joining a sorority. She always liked the way VWs made you experience the road -- raw, loud, feel every bump, the poor man's Porsche. Used guys for sex. Her penchant for drinking Coronas for dinner however led to the Jetta's demise. She ended up moving to the city where cars are unneccessary; it doesn't cut into valuable drinking time with friends. Fun gal!

So maybe she was the exception that proves Moe's rule, I dunno.

Flu M.D.
Flu M.D.

Maybe some Jetta drivers like the fact that VW makes a good car? Y'all must know that the German carmakers generally cram more quality into their rides than Japanese makers, and unless you're paying big cash or getting a truck, buying North American can often be a lot of trouble. Anyone who's ever owned a Ford knows that it stands for:

Fix

Or

Repair

Daily

and/or

Found

On

Road

Dead

Nevertheless, the profile description is hauntingly accurate; I used to see Jetta Daddy's Girls all the time in university (many of them were Benz Daddy's Girls, Land Rover Daddy's Girls, you get the point), and Jetta Chumps are residents in the financial district where I work - almost always with Starbucks lattes in hand.

Long story short, like the car, hate the attitude of its usual driver.

Harvey
Harvey

I mostly agree with this analysis, Moe. This sums up every Jetta owner I have ever known, the Starbucks sipping hackneys who define themselves by material things and name brands. These are the commercial puppets who get a degree in something like accounting, even though they don't like it, solely so they can make lots of money, work with lots of money, and feel better than everyone else because they live flashier than most of their friends and family.

glimmer
glimmer

i loved this.more personality types/profiles please... :)