This happened a few days back, but I’d rather poke fun at Beyonce today than @ Britney Spears’ decision to create a Hick, Reality TV Show w/ her white-trash fiancé prior to their doomed wedding (which is being ‘put off’ for some odd reason). Then again, China was in the news with some pretty crazy news: The hairiest man in China! You’d think that w/ 1.2 billion strong, this guy would be the hairiest in the world, but Mexico got the Gold in this, baby. Leave it to the bloody Chinese to cheap shot their way into entertainment news. Jax, this is in no way going to help your people sleep w/ hot white women (like Angelina Jolie—be wary Wavin, there’s a boob shot in that link–oops the warning should come BEFORE the link, huh? Next time!).
A little off topic, but Angelina Jolie is extremely hot, as we all know. But Angie, take my word, all you gotta do is dump Career-Suicide Val & you’re my first 9, baby!
Lastly, I want to hit up on Madonna for a quick second b/c it was recently her Birthday. She was fit about 15 years back, but after she smacked into 46 this week, she’s lookin’ old for the first time in my eyes. Who cares if she’s hot or not b/c she’s extremely rich & famous. All the money she has managed to accumulate over the years is allowing her to continue her over-indulgence in life (I’d do it too, damn it!) by her recent attempts to gift herself a bloody island that’s currently owned by Aristotle Onassis’ damn lucky grand daughter, Athina (God what a sexy name!), for a cool £195 million (for us Americans who have trouble with math, that’s $357,134,722.06!). On that note, I will now make fun of Beyonce’s body guard…
Meet Shortie (aka, The Toe Monster):
Well, Beyonce as we knew her is no more. She is now required to rest b/c her gigantic bodyguard, Shortie, has stepped on her toe. Then again, that’s what happens when you have a 500+ lb man trying to protect you. What is she trying to be protected from?!?! Maybe from being run over by an NYC taxi?? If Beyonce & Gigantor were in close proximity, I could easily…
1. steal Beyonce’s LV purse and run
2. slap Beyonce’s ass and run
3. grab Beyonce’s ass and run
4. bate Shortie with a Big-Mac or one of those Carl Jr.’s 5lb burger and kidnap Beyonce altogether!
There’s no trick behind this; the laws of medical & physical sciences support me, alright. Let’s not fool ourselves. Shortie has bodyguard weakness written all over him, ok. Kevin Costner, on the other hand, who’s around 1/6th the size of Shortie, had no weaknesses except maybe his natural desire to have sex with overly sexy black women. I don’t blame him on that one.
Now, Shortie’s obviously immobile beyond belief & appropriately very stylish (he’s walkin’ around w/ bloody Beyonce, for God’s sake!). He’s pretty much an extension of Beyonce’s Emilio Pucci shoes & Fendi handbag. In other words, he’s purely for show. Unfortunately her 500lb ‘for show’ bodyguard has bit back & it’s too bad her toe must suffer! Say goodbye to all those $3000 Jimmy Choos, Bee!
One last question remains: Is Beyonce the first person Shortie has managed to injure?