Monthly Archives: August 2004

My Olympic Moment

Before I start my jabbing, I want to say that my co-workers were just calculating how much they’d each walk away with if their husbands were to suddenly pass away. Only in America, I tell you. One of them would run off w/ $50k & another with $5k. Pretty sad, indeed (the $5k). The one with $5k said, ‘I’d just cremate him fo’ $795 and use the rest to go to funland w/ my byeebee.’ Dear lord, have mercy.

Meet Nikolai Karpol:
Scream, baby, Scream!

VMA's Celeb Glitz & Fits

Pauly, Simon & Paris
[View More Sexy Photos @ Miami Herald]

MTV VMAs is going to be competing against the Republican National Convention (snooze), so I feel sorry for all those poor kids who suffer through life w/ only 1 television. Considering there are roughly 36 million Americans living in poverty, you can bet your ass that there are plenty of houses with 1 TV. But who cares about all that, right? Let’s move to the juice…

Puffy (‘P Diddy’ is annoyingly hard to type, alright), probably seen his share of poverty, but now livin’ the high-life with his new 120 Diamond Encrusted Apple iPod from HP. He’s surely going to hell. Check out the PR (yes, a Press Release for his party—no joke) of his After-Party which includes news on his bloody iPod.

Beanie Man will not be performing “Queers Must Be Killed.” Oh shucks! I’m sure there are gonna be a lot of angry fans. [SOHH]

Do I see some White Trash (dirty) Brit’s Tongue
Here’s a nice year by year flash back of crazy events to help you figure out what craziness awaits in the near future… [Florida Sun-Sentinel]

Get this. This is how spoiled stars are:
– 1 of them wants 50 towels (apparently they don’t plan to use the bed or possibly planning on having have sex around 40-50 times)
– Another wants to only drink Kabbalah Water (Want to follow in the ways of the Kabbalah?)
– ‘Punk’ rocker Gwen Stefani only takes goat’s milk w/ her cereal (you know some worker’s gonna piss in her milk)
– Someone wants M&Ms (2 bags: peanut & plain) w/ 6 bowls in which they will separate colors. [Miami Herald]

One question remains, though. Will this man be in attendance…
Ok, I’m kinda grossed out now, so I’ll stop.

Lame Ducks, No. 8

The last couple weeks have been rough, but the future seems to be lookin’ even tougher! Anyway, all that will come in another post. For now, I want to introduce to you all a special person who got me watching this year’s pretty sad Olympics for a whole 40 minutes! 2 words: Logan Tom. Now for 2 photos of Ms. Tom:

The Legs!
She might look a little like Natalie Portman, but if you think about it, Natalie Portman is like 4’11” (Ms. Tom: 6’1″), Natalie attended Haaaaaaawaaad (Ms. Tom: Staaaanfaad) & Logan Tom bloody plays Women’s Volleyball on the Olympic team! GooooOOOO Loooooowgun (Natalie: A Star Wars Manikin)!

I wish I was the Ground!
God, what I’d give to be the floor! Dear Lord, have mercy!

Ok, now that I’ve got you all excited, here are my latest lame links…

Since we’re tracking Britney’s demise, this is noteworthy news. Britney is planning to cast her soon to be ex-husband, Kevin Federline, in her new video in which she will get married. Bad idea Britney. Usually when you’re divorced to someone you once loved very much, you don’t exactly want to accidentally listen to songs in which you’re happily getting married. You’re simply setting yourself up for heavy drug use in the future & God forbid: suicidal tendencies brought upon by severe depression (knock on wood). [NY Post]

Anyone wanna go to La Tomatina with me next year? [TV New Zealand]

MTV Real World Philly Guesses

Ok, here’s the cast and my guesses as to what these characters are gonna be like. The last Real World I watched was the one in Vegas (of course) & since then I have not seen any specials or anything else to help me make my guesses.

Shavonda – Very cute. For some reason she doesn’t seem like the type to have any issues, but after watching that bitch Carol (that was her name, right?), anything’s possible. One thing’s for sure though, sistahs don’t sleep around like crazy (with exception of the RW Vegas). Let’s admit it, Vegas brings brings out everyone’s horny(ier) side. Even though her native African name is deceiving, I’m getting the “black girl likes the white foo” vibes from her. Am I wrong here?

Sarah – Definite ho of the group. She’ll be tossed around like nobody’s business. I’m guessin’ she’ll have sex at least 5 times on camera and countless times off camera. She will have the most issues, in my opinion.

Melanie – Aaaw, she looks like Daddy’s girl. You know what that means, right?! LESBIAN! We’ll see. I say Melanie tries to have sex with Sarah, but Sarah only enjoys heterosexual bangin’ unless of course she’s piss drunk. Then she’s game for any type of sex. Enter: The Classic Threesome. This episode will peak in ratings. Oh also, she’s least likely to get booted.

A) His name is Willie
B) His shirt matches with his skin tone.
He’s the classic “let’s get the gays around the country & world to tune in & bump up our ratings” character.

Site Drama

I’m working to change over the domain & design of the site the next few days, so I apologize if everything is not working properly.

I have a funny email interview with budding IMG model, Sessilee Lopez coming up in a week or so. The only response Sessilee needs to work on in her upcoming interviews is to never respond with “Ashlee Simpson” when asked what music she’s jammin’ to these days. Sessilee, you’re an absolutely gorgeous girl who’s probably going to succeed beyond your wildest dreams, but being a Miami girl, you gotta represent your city with better taste than Asslee Simpson! Ok-ok, I’m kidding!

Update! [8/24]
Ok! I have the basic skeleton of the site up & running (finally), so now I will get to mess things up even more with the design. But, I want to let the 2 or 3 of you who do visit (Jackson, Melissa, Gavin, Varian, etc) that our address will change on September 1, 2004 to! Anyway, if you have any ideas for the design, please email them at your convenience!

R.I.P. – Beyonce's Toe!

This happened a few days back, but I’d rather poke fun at Beyonce today than @ Britney Spears’ decision to create a Hick, Reality TV Show w/ her white-trash fiancé prior to their doomed wedding (which is being ‘put off’ for some odd reason). Then again, China was in the news with some pretty crazy news: The hairiest man in China! You’d think that w/ 1.2 billion strong, this guy would be the hairiest in the world, but Mexico got the Gold in this, baby. Leave it to the bloody Chinese to cheap shot their way into entertainment news. Jax, this is in no way going to help your people sleep w/ hot white women (like Angelina Jolie—be wary Wavin, there’s a boob shot in that link–oops the warning should come BEFORE the link, huh? Next time!).

A little off topic, but Angelina Jolie is extremely hot, as we all know. But Angie, take my word, all you gotta do is dump Career-Suicide Val & you’re my first 9, baby!

Lastly, I want to hit up on Madonna for a quick second b/c it was recently her Birthday. She was fit about 15 years back, but after she smacked into 46 this week, she’s lookin’ old for the first time in my eyes. Who cares if she’s hot or not b/c she’s extremely rich & famous. All the money she has managed to accumulate over the years is allowing her to continue her over-indulgence in life (I’d do it too, damn it!) by her recent attempts to gift herself a bloody island that’s currently owned by Aristotle Onassis’ damn lucky grand daughter, Athina (God what a sexy name!), for a cool £195 million (for us Americans who have trouble with math, that’s $357,134,722.06!). On that note, I will now make fun of Beyonce’s body guard…

Meet Shortie (aka, The Toe Monster):

The Toe Smasher

Well, Beyonce as we knew her is no more. She is now required to rest b/c her gigantic bodyguard, Shortie, has stepped on her toe. Then again, that’s what happens when you have a 500+ lb man trying to protect you. What is she trying to be protected from?!?! Maybe from being run over by an NYC taxi?? If Beyonce & Gigantor were in close proximity, I could easily…

1. steal Beyonce’s LV purse and run
2. slap Beyonce’s ass and run
3. grab Beyonce’s ass and run
4. bate Shortie with a Big-Mac or one of those Carl Jr.’s 5lb burger and kidnap Beyonce altogether!

There’s no trick behind this; the laws of medical & physical sciences support me, alright. Let’s not fool ourselves. Shortie has bodyguard weakness written all over him, ok. Kevin Costner, on the other hand, who’s around 1/6th the size of Shortie, had no weaknesses except maybe his natural desire to have sex with overly sexy black women. I don’t blame him on that one.

Now, Shortie’s obviously immobile beyond belief & appropriately very stylish (he’s walkin’ around w/ bloody Beyonce, for God’s sake!). He’s pretty much an extension of Beyonce’s Emilio Pucci shoes & Fendi handbag. In other words, he’s purely for show. Unfortunately her 500lb ‘for show’ bodyguard has bit back & it’s too bad her toe must suffer! Say goodbye to all those $3000 Jimmy Choos, Bee!

One last question remains: Is Beyonce the first person Shortie has managed to injure?

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