This is absolutely morbid topic, one that perhaps people may shy away from. I, however will not.
Why you may ask, how I came about this subject to begin with? Dark times my friends, dark times. Again, although still at my tender age, I am in a great depression. Don’t be fooled … every single person in the world goes through great depressions. I am just one of those people who like to talk about it.
As the days go by, I ask myself why I’m alive … what purpose do I actually have on this earth? The answer? I have no fuckin idea. I will admit, I’ve had thoughts of suicide so many times. What would happen? Who would care? What difference would it make? My answer to that? I’m too smart. I’m too smart but to lazy. In this boorish and mundane world that I live in, as much as it would be so nice to end it all … I still wouldn’t be living. Dammit!!! Doesn’t it suck to be too smart? Sometimes I wish I was ignorant. I wish I didn’t know any better and just do it. But I’m too smart. Too smart to know that it would cause my parents heartache, my brother and his family devastation, and to my friends a question of why?
It would be so easy right? But then that would be it. Which deters me away from the thoughts itself. I am only one person in this whole wide world, but that still doesn’t make me any less important. Maybe its not being important to the people you wish you were to. Maybe its the way they make you feel like you are nothing. Maybe its the fact that you put everything you have it something and no one gives a god freakin damn. I think I deserve some credit. I’ve done a lot. But no one cares. Am I that self-centered? Quite possibly yes. I’m sorry if I feel like I’m not getting what I deserve. After all the things I’ve done. I deserve something. Yet, I am too rational, to sane to do anything about it.
I am a drama queen to its full effect. One of those who acts and motions normally, but deep fuckin down inside … I am the epitome. I like to rouse people to get attention. I like to make things up to get people interested. I am the worse kind of person. But I am me none the less. I wear masks everyday. One for every different person I met. Will I ever be my true self? Will anyone know the real me? Maybe a few.
So again, you ask why are you telling me this? What purpose does this have to be posted on the internet for the whole world to see? I just need to get it out … and I have no one to talk to. It helps me ease my mind that maybe one other person in this world feels the way I do. I know that its petty for me to think that MY PROBLEMS are the only problems in the world. I know that there are people who are starving, people who are so less fortunate than me … I know these things. But I still feel the way I feel. And it is still valid. I’m not asking for anything from anyone. Hell I don’t even ask people to read this whole freakin post. I just need to get it out.
Depression sucks. It hits everyone at one point in time. Sometimes its so hardcore, other times its just a brief thought.
Thanks for listening.
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