Monthly Archives: July 2005

Nadia Bjorlin @ The Dukes of Hazzard Premiere

Nadia Bjorlin’s eyes are more mesmerizing than they are freakish, but I seriously doubt any guy will be looking into her eyes all too long after they check out some of her other assets.

One thing’s for sure, though, Nadia’s attendance @ the Dukes of Hazzard premiere made the questionable remake totally worthwhile. Even though I’ve been hearing some God-awful reviews, I know for a fact, that the dude sitting next to Ms. Bjorlin @ the premiere had a big, fat smile on his face through the entire flick. Can you blame him?

Our new camera—the BCC—captured a couple of the reasons…

Huevos De Oro (Golden Balls) & Bastardly Updates

Golden Balls

Total tragedy! If you don’t mind…

1. Subtitles
2. Spain
3. Naked latinas
4. A dumbass character who you just want to strangle
5. And, a tragic ending

…then this flick is for you. Top to bottom, it’s pretty solid & explores many of our inherent weaknesses including greed, our insatiable sexual hunger & complete, utter selfishness. Check it!

Bastardly Updates – Polls!
Polls are fun (right?), so we’re gonna experiment with them once a month. If you have any suggestions in terms of what type of things we should poll, please comment below or send us an email. The funnier the better! At this point, the polls will be a monthly endeavor & at the end of each period I’ll post up the results for further bullshitting.

Jennifer Love Hewitt's Hanes Saga Resumes…

I’m still anxiously awaiting for her to push the Hanes line of skimpy G-strings (excuse the redundancy)!! Let’s hope the designers at Hanes pull through w/ this request. The designers must realize that JLH is not your average hottie & in trying to make her look average is a lost cause within itself. All I know is that JLH made a bad & presumably desperate career move by signing up w/ Hanes.

If her wish was to splatter her bod all over middle-class America, then Victoria Secrets would’ve been a better option. As we know, bastard agents can be so convincing sometimes! They don’t hesitate, for even a second, to jump on lame opportunities & worst of all, they manage to do majority of their convincing while their client is drunk or high. Damn them.

Brooke Burke: Divorced & Ready For Rebound Sex!

So the inevitable finally came to pass: Brooke Burke left her plastic surgeon hubs. Three reasons come to mind:

1. She was finished getting all the free plastic surgery; nose, cheeks, chin, eyes, you name it & Brooke probably got it!
2. The sex was getting boring (of course)
3. Since she has a kid, she’ll be collecting some dough & not have to deal w/ the bullshit of married life.

If there was a number 4, it would probably be irreconcilable differences, but that’s a given in every divorce, right?

Primer On Sexing Up Newly Single Brooke
So to all the guys who have been waiting for this day to arrive, you better hurry! I’m assuming @ this point in her life, the last thing Brooke wants is commitment. She just wants sex—plain, dirty, hair-pulling, rough, noisy, western sex!!

Once again, any mention of becoming Neriah’s (her daughter) father or wanting a long-term relationship, Brooke will automatically reject your applications for sexual relations (this includes clothed-sex-making-out sessions). Keep it simple & enjoy the Brookooty! Ow!

Just in case you forgot, here’s another pic of Brooke…

Drunk Real World Melinda Sluttin' It Up!

Bing Bong Tables truly missed out on the Real Melinda! Sucks for them!

She’s cute. She has extremely large natchurales & apparently goes into slutty stripper mode when she gets drunk @ bars, so what more could perverted guys & chumps w/ no shame ask for?!

The following photos were probably posted by one of her bastardly (bitter) girlfriends who’s pissed-off at the fact that MTV failed to chose her over big-boobied Melinda for Real World, Austin. Anyway, get ready for a wild ride in which you’ll see one of Melinda’s nippsies playing peek-a-boo!


Drunk Tara Reid Parties & Shows Off Ass Crack!

Bastardly Postulate:
If Drunk = x & x = Tara, then all the following must be true:

1. Tara Reid’s new name is Drunk Reid
2. Tara Reid is a drunk
3. The words ‘drunk’ and ‘tara’ are synonymous

Is this even newsworthy? Tara Reid, as you people know is traveling around the world filming Wild On! episodes for E!. Except for pervy, porn-deprived middle schoolers, does anyone else watch that show anymore?!

While you think, here’s a picture of Drunk Reid’s ass crack spillin’ a few words. Cover your noses & grab the yackbag!!!

Car Tampon'd! Bloody Bastards!!!

So yeah, there’s only one thing to say in a situation like this: What the FUCK?! After all, who tampons a car?! Is this a prank that totally flew over me? I’ve heard of toilet papering, oiling (truly bastardly), egging, but when did tampons get thrown into the mix?!

Actually, I’m making it sound much worse than what actually happened. In short, there was only one tampon underneath my driver’s side vipers—a spot reserved for coupons, flyers & dead bugs. Additionally, it was an unused tampon in its original packaging, so there was no chance of contracting herpes or other STDs.

I’m also curious whether the perpetrator is a hottie trying to express her undying love for me…maybe she’ll proceed to panty’ing or G-string’ing & then possibly nude-photo’ing me! Bring it on, baby!!!

OJ's Lawyers Say He Didn't Steal Cable!!

DTV wants OJ to cough up $25k to cover everything from the free porn he enjoyed over the years to the toilet paper that Direct TV’s legal departed had to use while preparing the case.

Why would a man getting chump change (amounting to around $15K/month*) from his former employer (NFL) need to steal something as frivolous as cable?! If this is Direct TV’s attempt to get free advertising @ the expense of OJ’s already shady reputation, it’s absolutely absurd. Naturally, in retaliation to all the bullshit, OJ’s defense department claims that their client had nothing to do w/ the theft.

Simpson’s attorney, Yale Galanter, said Tuesday that the judge “basically denied us our right to a jury trial. … This was a decision made by a judge in chambers. They say he did it; we say he didn’t. A jury should be able to make that decision.” [LA Times]

It appears as if the judge is just too afraid of losing against OJ, so he pretty much skipped the entire process & made the judgment. I also have a feeling that the judge, DTV & everyone involved in the case are all racist bastards hired by the Goldman family to make OJ’s life a living hell.

Damn them.

*Heard it on a documentary. I swear!

Zeta Graff w/ Paris "Jesus" Latsis

He either looks like Jesus or the beast from Beauty & the Beast

Wow. Zeta Graff, Paris Latsis’ ex, can look hot in some photos & borderline trash (below) in others. It’s very odd.

Anyway, as most of you gossip whores know Paris is a total bitch & has the ego the size of Tommy Lee’s penis. Well @ a recent dinner, Zeta Graff faced the wraith of bitchy Paris Hilton & is now compelled to sue. As we all know, you have really (really) hate someone in order to sue their ass, so read on.

On July 2nd, the New York Post reported that Graff, “went berserk” at the club. The paper also reported, “Graff…flew at Hilton and tried to remove her [$4 million] necklace.” One unnamed source added, “It looked like she was trying to strangle Paris.”

But in the lawsuit, Graff claims it was Hilton who first approached her with fighting words, allegedly whispering in her ear, “You’re a fucking bitch. I’m going to destroy you.”

In the suit, Graff also accuses Hilton of slander, claiming the hotel heiress planted “vicious lies” in the Post, leaving her reputation “irreparably harmed.” Graff has hired powerhouse Los Angeles attorney Marty Singer to represent her and is planning on fighting tooth and nail to clear her name. [Celebrity Justice]

Damn you Paris, you piece of slut whore!!

This is an example of Zeta looking like trash.

Petra Nemcova's Birthday Party @ Soho Grand

Oh how she must enjoy life, but I’m sure there’s a definite drawback. For example, she must get hit on by everything moving & only because it’s probably so damn easy. Donald Trump was at Petra’s birthday a week back (by association, of course) at The Soho Grand Penthouse Loft & I’m sure he laid down a line or two.

Donald Trump – So Petra, I heard you were in a Tsunami? One of my properties must have been damaged in Phuket.
Petra – Ya, a lot of people died too. My…my boyfriend died too.
D. Trump – Petra, I’m known to make supermodels feel a little better, so let me give you a hug. Just watch the tu—hair.

Ok, sorry for that lame convo. I’m sure it would sound funnier if they were acting it out. But let’s admit it, judging by how nice Petra Nemcova can be, I bet Donny’s already swindled her for a night of crazy sex while Melania was cruising around in his G5.

Anyway, check out photos from beautiful Petra’s Birthday party on July 19th.

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