Monthly Archives: September 2005

MILFilicious Maria Bartiromo & Sexy Petra Nemcova

It’s a pity Kristina Applegate had to get her ass in there to spoil things.

My heart skipped a few beats after spotting these two beauties together @ some Reader’s Digest “Please-Show-Your-Face-And-We’ll-Pay-You” luncheon. As you people already know, Petra Nemcova is a personal favorite. I think it’s because her love is genuine, she doesn’t do crack like all the other bitches & lastly b/c she’s a true survivor!

As unbelievable as this will sound, just 10 months back, this woman was recovering from one of the craziest catastrophes on record & these days, she’s making sure to enjoy life to its absolute fullest. Who wouldn’t, right? It’s unfortunate that homo- & heterosexual men, all over the globe, are literally missing out in one of God’s finest creations (in her prime). Petra, give us a call & we’ll make sure to savor your silky, Czech bod, the way it should be savored. Amen.

Ok enough bullshitting. Here’s some more eye candy from yesterday’s event.

Tori Spelling Considering Crack Cocaine

The woman has lost it. Just look at her, for God’s sake.

If you thought she had nothing going for herself prior to the divorce, you’re in for a surprise. Tori’s officially inside an emotional rollercoaster & will soon ride through the normal bouts of what we like to refer to as, “Superficial Depression.”

This rare (ok, it’s not that rare) case of depression includes some or all of the following:

1. Complete, utter misery—gallons & gallons of tears will flow (b/c life is just soooo hard!)
2. Internet shopping sprees b/c you don’t want to go outside & face your friends (the paparazzi)
3. Suicidal tendencies, but fortunately 99% of those people who make such a consideration are cowards & naturally, cowards will not kill themselves.
4. Cocaine (she will start w/ sniffy-sniffy but gradually move to smokey-smokey
5. Sleeping around—to find “that person”
6. Couple more faulty marriages as a result of whoring
6. Heroin, if cocaine doesn’t cut it
7. Pills to compliment the cocaine/heroin
8. Rehab
9. More rehab after the first attempt fails
10. She’ll write a book talking about how rough her life has been (written by some random 8-5 editor, of course)
11. And lastly, an interview (probably w/ Vanity Fair) talking about the book & her rough, shitty life.

May God have mercy on you, Tori. Oh, one more thing: While you’re treading the rough waters of Superficial Depression, could you please get some plastic surgery? See you on the other side.

Served: Stuffed Mushrooms

My theory on food: If it looks & smells like shit, it probably tastes like heaven. It’s worked for me all over the world, so fear not in putting the theory to use.

The only country in which I’d be very careful is Bethnaaam (of course). I heard a rumor that shady Bethdaamese people put blades in their food. Talk about hardcore!!!

For more pictures of amazing food, please hit this site every once in a while. This chick loves to eat & drink (that sounded bad). Oh, she can write too!

* If you dig stuffed mushrooms & want a taste, click here.

Paris Posing: Most Hated Bitch


Here’s the latest list of famous people who hate Paris:

1. Shirley MacLaine:
2. Shirley Temple
3. Catherine Deneuve
4. Gretchen Wilson
5. Jon Bon Jovi
6. Sharon Osbourne
7. Valentino Garavani
9. The Latsis Family
10. Shannon Doherty

Here’s the latest from the senor citizen batch (MacLaine, Temple, & Deneuve):

In Her Shoes star MacLaine scathes, “She just shops and turns up to parties.

“So she wears pink and has blonde hair and suddenly calls herself not a
starlet or an ingenue – no, according to Paris, she is a movie star.

“It irritates me. In my day, you had to really work. It took BETTE DAVIS
seven years of hard slog to reach the point where her name was above the
title on a movie.”

Temple adds, “(Paris) is stealing the thunder from really talented actors
who have learned their craft.”

Meanwhile, French beauty Deneuve asks, “Who is she but a provocative young
Barbie doll?” [Female First]

The Nicole Richie Weight Loss Program


Drinking two Grande Mochas in a single sitting may be hazardous to your health

So there you have it, kids! If you drink Starbucks, you may lose up to 50-75lbs—instantly!!! Nicole was on the other stuff for years & she just wasn’t happy with her plump figure. It was a figure in which she would mope around all day long in conservative dresses & try to surround herself w/ somewhat ugly “friends,” so that, through the process of relativity, people would think she’s hot. Naturally, she became tired of hiding & it was then her search for a cure began…

Then one day, out of the blue, one her “friends” handed her a Grande Caffè Mocha (yes, Nicole paid for it). She saw the light! Yes girls, it was @ that defining moment Nicole Richie saw the light @ the end of the Fat Tunnel. Even though Nicole had just awakened from a 15-hr nap, following 2 manicures & a simple back massage (let’s just say, she was well-rested), she sipped the mocha with great apprehension as she was made aware of the drink’s great, weight loss powers.

The Result: Within only 3 weeks (yes, only 3 weeks!!) of that first, awkward sip, Nicole started seeing bones she never knew she had!

The Question: Do you want count the bones on your sexy body?

The Answer: Head to a Starbucks today & get ready to count some bones, baby!!!!!!!!!!

Ratings – Jay-Z

You might think he’s kinda ugs, but you have to admit, the guy definitely has got some crazy staying power. Anyway, ever since Michael Jackson, I haven’t rated another dude on the site, so here we go!

Oh, before you dive in, please keep in mind that the Bastardly Rating System (BRS) ranges from 1 to 10. 10 being someone we’ll eventually see in heaven (fingers crossed) & a rating of 1 (God forbid) being Michael Jackson after he gets into the boxing ring w/ Mike Tyson. Ok, here goes nothing.

* + 3.45 – Mr. Z is a pimp, so for his sheer pimpness, he earns around 3 points, but other than that he’s probably one of the most unattractive mofos in the entertainment biz. He’s not just the most unattractive, but he’s the most unattractive brotha rockin’ the hottest booty in the biz. He is the quintessential example of how a man with money, power & status can get any booty his heart desires.

* - 1.50 – He looks like Beatlejuice (guy made famous on Howard Stern).

* - 0.25 – He also looks like Dr. Dre. Dre isn’t has bad as Beatlejuice, but still bad, nonetheless.

* + 2.00 – Getting a piece of Beyonce in her prime. Amazing.

* + 1.00 – Not Michael Jackson scary

* + 0.50 – Pimp (persona)

* - 0.25 – Nose & lips. It’s not his fault really, but we if he can trim these babies down a few inches, it’ll do wonders for him.

______________________________________

* + 4.95 TOTAL – Relative to those previously rated, he’s better looking than: Asslee, Lisa Marie, Michael Jackson, Macy Gray, & Kimberly Locke, so Jay Z’s doing pretty good for himself.

A Bastardly Halloween: Bai Ling

For the next month (or so), we’ll be doing a special series of posts dealing with Halloween. It’ll be a Bastardly Halloween w/ celebrities, so look out, kiddies! I have a feeling that 90% of the Halloween related posts will deal with hookers, whores, & sluts—you know, the usual bastardly topics.

Ok, so with that in hand, let’s start the series w/ Bai Ling. After much thought, Bai Ling decided to put on some clothes for this year’s Halloween. She’s going trick-or-treatin’ as a Chinese hooker. Here’s the first bad joke (of presumably many): [drum roll] I wish I could give Bai Ling my candy bar. Yes, that was a sad & dirty joke. I’m ashamed of myself.

Aaaaw, she looks so cute. I love those little spiders on her silky, Asian bod. Nice touch.

Hayden Panettiere Goes To Slut School


It’s true that Hayden Panettiere is super young & we here tend to stay away from mocking minors, but if one of these minors is about to jump off a bridge into a narrow, drying river filled with pointy rocks & thirsty alligators, we’re naturally forced to play mommy & daddy (they’re currently on an extended Mal Dives vacation fully paid by daughter-dearest—can you really blame them?).

I guess, if you want to learn staying power (yes, Paris has got it) & a winning strategy on how to attract tons of attention & money (until now, it’s working), then Paris Hilton is the perfect teacher. She’s like the modern Madonna—a genius in self-marketing.

May God have mercy on Hayden.

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