Monthly Archives: December 2005

Bai Ling Modeling Latest in Chinese Prostitution Wear

All you guys hating on Bai Ling are in denial. Or are you?

Bai Ling is currently involved in many projects of which, none involve her getting fully nude and having crazy sex in front of the camera (with a big schlong insider of her). My apologies to all horny Bai Ling fans.

Anyway, while covering Bai Ling’s career (ok, now I feel depressed), I think I’ve narrowed her fan base down to two simple categories:

1. People who think that along with being a total whore, Bai Ling is simply a really ugly & slutty person who deserves to be deported back to China so they can punish her—old-school-commy-style.
2. And, the second batch includes all the guys who want to sleep with her b/c they’ve (for some odd reason) associated her red carpet sluttiness with her being super crazy in bed.

Where do you fall?

Is Angelina Jolie Pregnant?

It appears that the Gods of the magazine world are getting desperate.

First, Life & Style brings you exclusive new evidence pointing to pregnancy for Angelina Jolie. When the actress returned to the set of The Good Shepherd in early December for a few days of reshoots after a two-month break, the crew immediately noticed a problem: The costumes no longer fit over Angie’s suspicious stomach bump. “Her body had changed so much,â€? an on-set insider tells Life & Style, “that her wardrobe had to be refitted to give her extra room in the tummy area. Several dresses had to be altered.â€?

Causing even more speculation: “Angelina nearly fainted several times and had to be taken off to the side to rest,â€? says the insider. “People on set were thinking, She’s obviously pregnant! All signs point to that.â€? [Life & Style Mag via Pop Sugar]

Highly doubtful.

Seeing as to how Brad Pitt has placed Angelina on the Pussy-Pedestal (stole that from 40-Year Old Virgin), I highly doubt he’s having too much sex with Angelina these days. Moreover, when Angie does allow Brad to venture into her sacred palace of sexual pleasure, I highly doubt it’s w/out a condom. After all, this is a lady who has quite a lot of experience sleeping around w/ tip-top clientele & after adopting two lottery-winning kids who require her undivided attention, this pregnancy news is next to bullshit.

If all that doesn’t make sense, then this should: Angie is too smart to fall in love, w/ one of her sexual partners. It’s a well-known fact that Angie is more in the business of friends w/ benefits than in finding true love. As you all know, the benefits portion of this friendship does not involve pregnancy.

If there is truth behind this story, Brad Pitt’s penis should have its very own documentary. In the meantime, enjoy a few more Angie photos from her prime. Thank you, Jesus & Mohammad.

The Bastardly Evening News – Dec. 29, 2005


* This news item reporting that Howard Stern *may* have married his “girlfriend” Beth Ortolororoeoetrort (I honestly don’t give a fuck what her last name is…point is, she’s (kinda) hot) must be wrong. I mean, homeboy has the opportunity to get infinity + 1 pieces of superfine, Grade AAA ass, so why would he ever tie himself down? Love? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…No, seriously, why? [NationalLedger]

* I don’t know what is more amazing, the fact that Britney Spears wants to have another kid with K-Fed (to “help” their marriage…hey! Stop your snickering, *of course* this will work…just look at Shar Jackson…) or that Mr. Federline has a drug dealer named “Weedman”. Fuck bro, couldn’t you come up with something I dunno…more subtle? The Spederlines should just capitulate and give in to their White Trashosity fully. They have the cash and class to be the King and Queen of all White Trash. They could buy a trailer park and build a double-wide castle with a moat around it, invite other WT’s to live nearby and rule over them with Cheeto topped scepters. Dare to dream, Spederlines…dare to dream… [Jossip]

* Nick Lachey, the bell tolls for thee. It seems homeboy went on an ass-kissing tour de force in the last few days of his “marriage” to J-Simp in order to try to salvage his carreer. Although it is not expressely stated in the article, I have good reason to believe this also included giving daddy Simpson manual pleasure. I am assuming Nick did not moisturize his hands first and chafed Papa Simpson’s member, as the marriage is over…and so is Nick’s “carreer”. [PopBytes]

* As no real actreses would lower themselves to be the new Bond girl opposite the man with two first names, Daniel Craig, the people in charge of making movies shittier (you know who you are…assholes…) decided to offer the role to Jessica Simpson. Yay for her! She gets to be the slut in a 2 hour commercial…and to think, at one point Bond movies *really* kicked ass…sigh… [Egotastic]

Sean Lennon: Wake Up & Smell The Boobies!!

Photos courtesy of two British prostitutes (Michelle Marsh & Lucy Pinder) & their friends. Someone let them on their yacht. I would, too!!

In last evening’s Bastardly News, the one & only Supreme Commander reported on how the late John Lennon’s son is having difficulty finding ladies. I will recap his expert commentary before I proceed.

Speaking of baby killing, the dude that smoked John Lennon should have taken out his kid, Sean Lennon instead. Yes, it sounds bad, but it would have spared homeboy the humiliation you are about to witness. Sean Lennon is running personal ads in the NY Post looking for a girlfriend…he says he’s “lonelyâ€?. Dude, your fucking dad was John motherfucking Lennon – if you can’t work that and get yerself some run-off pussy, just give up and kill yourself now. [Bastardly Evening News, Dec. 28, 2005]

I’m going to assume that Sean’s not finding the girl of his dreams—you know, that special girl who loves him for who he is & not for the money he can throw at their naked bods. Dude, it’s no fucking use. It’s a hopeless cause. Your dad defines your existence and he will define it until you die (unless you discover the cure to herpes or AIDS or can manage to impregnate Angelina Jolie while she’s sound asleep or of course, kill Bruce Willis while he’s high on coke & sexing up one of his 18 year old bitches). So yeah, unless you can pull one of those off, you will always be John Lennon’s son.

On that note, let’s focus on your strength—you know, the money, the power & the undeniable network—to sleep with more women than Michael Jordan (Santa Barbara Basketball Camp in UCSB (UC Santa Barbara) = UCSB = Whore house) & Wilt Chamberlain—combined! After all, you are human male & obviously, by placing the ad for a girlfriend, you’re not gay.

Within the comments to that Bastardly News Report, I suggested buying a yacht. Now, here are some photos of some bitches getting crazy on a yacht that’s owned, most probably, by some rich dude who was also feeling lonely at one point or another…

Please Note: The photos below are definitely not safe for work. There’s plenty of boobie action.

Elizabeth Berkley & The Art Of Horrible Photoshoots!

My God, who is to blame for this kind of crap?!

I don’t know about you guys, but I see a hasbeen sitcom star who mysteriously falls somewhere on this list below:

1. A chick taking really bad high school yearbook photos
2. A cheap, Vegas prostitute you see prancing around smoke-filled downtown casinos
3. A D-list porn star in the ghettos of LA.

You guys be the judge. Also, if these shoots aren’t bad enough, then look here.

The Bastardly Evening News – Dec. 28, 2005

* HOLY FUCK, what an ass! I would gladly murder babies to be given the mere opportunity to touch that ass…to even be in its presence would be an honor. By clicking the link, you will see more mesmerizing ass from Jessica Alba…I truly hope you have much hand lotion and tissue paper. Yah…there’s no actual story here, I was just taken aback by the ass and thought I needed to promulgate the fantasticalness of her ass. [SuperiorPics]

* Speaking of baby killing, the dude that smoked John Lennon should have taken out his kid, Sean Lennon instead. Yes, it sounds bad, but it would have spared homeboy the humiliation you are about to witness. Sean Lennon is running personal ads in the NY Post looking for a girlfriend…he says he’s “lonely”. Dude, your fucking dad was John motherfucking Lennon – if you can’t work that and get yerself some run-off pussy, just give up and kill yourself now. [ContactMusic]

* Ricky Martin always seemed a bit fruity (particularly following the Menudo child molestation bidness), but the only way the following pics could look gayer was if Ricky had some dude’s kids all over his face after hooking homey up with a sloppy BJ. [Dlisted]

* My Xmas wish came true! Thank you baby Jesus! One of the greatest TV shows EVAR may be back. Futurama may be returning…this means more antics from drunken rowdy robots. How can this not be a good thing? Kickass. [Egotastic]

Shin Mina: Soccer Babe, Pop Artist, & Korean Goddess

Surprisingly, in our poll of hot people around the world, Korea came in 4th (the Chinese even beat them out!). B/c that poll was flawed, we’ll run it again, but this time only with Asian countries.

In the meantime, here are a few reasons why Korea may win the next poll.

Give a little wink & say hello-hello to Shin Mina (or Shim Mina—whatever). She’s most popular for her delicious work as “That Hot Korean World Cup Chick,” but these days she’s a seasoned pop singer. She already has three albums under her sexy belt, so K-Pop in the haaa-ouussse!!

Horny bastards should click below:

* Asian Sirens – Korean Soccer Babe
* USFK Gallery
* Otcho’s BangBlog – Shin Mina a.k.a. Miss World Cup – Goes into her music
* vB Easy Archive – Hyori Lee – Scroll down to see pics of Mina & other chicas of interest.

Bastardly Run-on Sentence Review: King Jurassic Park Kong

My intention was to watch Aeon Flux & see why everyone was bashing the film to no end b/c come on, it can’t be that fucking bad since it had Charlize Theron jumping around looking sexy in tight-tight clothes through the entire flick, so yeah, i missed Aeon Flux b/c movie theatres in the United States these days are taking severe cost cutting measures during matinee shows (which already cost around 7bucks (capitalist bastards)) and hiring only one 8th grader to run the entire fucking show, so that naturally created a huge ass glut @ the popcorn line that included me, along with three cheapo families with waay too many damn kids in front of my ass to get their hands on what seemed like, every damn item on the menu, so by the time I finished getting my kids meal (it comes w/ a M&Ms, drink & popcorn! All for 6bucks!! RIPPPPOFF!), the previews were long gone & Aeon Flux had already started, so my buddy & I screwed that idea & just walked our asses into a 5:30 showing of King Kong (REVIEW STARTS HERE)—the same movie responsible for Peter Jackson’s miraculous weight loss & not to mention, also the same flick that had a final tab of about $200 mil, so doing some quick math, I figured my money would go far, but alas, I was somewhat disappointed & things contributing to this disappointment include (obviously) the length—I was going to walk out @ two points: First when the gorilla & Naomi Watts were “sleeping together” on top of that cliff & that stupid, long-nosed dude decided to erect his penis in front of a huge ass gorilla & save Naomi’s pasty ass and the second time I had the urge to leave was when all the dinosaurs were running in that valley & no one fucking died (I’m sorry, but imaging the possibility of sex between a huge-ass gorilla & Naomi Watts was already pushing the envelope), so yeah, the length was a major downer, & even though the computer animation was pretty, damn crazy, I would’ve cut 50% of Jurassic Park out of the middle of the flick & took the Gorilla to NYC much quicker in order to ultimately cut the flick to a decent 1.5-2hrs-tops, but at the end of it all, I have to admit, Peter Jackson had me feeling sorry for King Kong & hopeful that he would conquer the mighty United States military, prove to the world that his aggression was mainly due to years of pent up sexual tension that only Naomi Watts could release (I’m sure the adult movie industry is hard @ work on this one, although I’m pretty sure their version of King Kong will be some super buff dude wearing a horrible rent-a-king-kong-costume), so there you have it my friends, if you have time, money & the patience to sit through 3+ hr flick in which Naomi Watts doesn’t get naked & it ends with a brutal murder of an innocent gorilla in love, then King Kong is the movie for you!!!

1 2 3 11