Posts from May 2013

Katherine Heigl vs. Ellen Pompeo – A Bastardly Rematch!!!

 around evening with martini & women in hand by 30

Alright, since both these tasties were at the SAG Awards the other night too I decided why not put them up in first ever Bastardly Rematch!!! You might recall that Katherine Heigl took round 1 from the Golden Globes. Well, here’s another night, another red carpet.

Does Dr. Stevens keep on winning or does Dr. Grey have it in her this time around?!?!?

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Guess who?

 early in the evening, before sex by 33

Every woman knows when they need to shave. We don’t forget. We may let it grow a little during the Winter or when we know that no one will venture in that area or see that area because we have gotten lazy. Some women purposely don’t shave an area when they go on a first date so that they won’t sleep with their date. Trust me on this one. Every morning I contemplate not shaving but then I remember what my mother always warned me about. You all know what I’m talking about. The “what if you get in an accident and you have to go to the hospital and they see you wearing dirty underwear OR they see that you haven’t shaved your pits” story. Anyway, this person has NO REASON WHATSOEVER to not shave her pits. That’s just sick, man.

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Hayden Panettiere rockin the Britney '99 look!!!

 early in the evening, before sex by 6

I swear, Hayden Panettiere couldn’t have even been 10 years old when Britney first resurrected the whole naughty schoolgirl look. Here’s Hayden at the Big Momma’s House 2 premiere modifying the look to, I guess, bring it up to 2005.

However, what I’m more concerned about, and you’re probably wondering the same thing, what the hell is up w/ those ladies in the background?!?!?

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Jessica Simpson likes dirty men

 after a late four martini lunch by 9

Jessica Simpson loves dirty Cak. According to Page Six Jessica Simpson was spotted at Chateau Marmont partying it up with Yucko Dunst and then sneaking away to Adam Levine’s (Lead singer of Maroon 5) room for some of Adam’s dirty Cak. He’s quite the ladies man. The morning after, Jessica was spotted walking the “walk of shame” with Adam’s semen stained shirt on, with the “I just had sex hair”, and having to face the paparazzi. Cacee, her minion assistant, had to pick up Jessica with her gnarly weiner breath the next morning. Poor Cacee, she was once Jessica’s best friend and now she’s been reduced to being the call girls driver. I can’t wait for Jessica to go down in flames once everyone realizes that she is not special and has no talent. Asslee is the ugly one which is why it was easy to uncover her lack of talent; Jessica tends to blind people with her boobs. If things go my way Jessica will end up doing Playboy (I can’t wait for that “spread”), and end up making a sex tape to save her career.

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Jessica Pare Needs A Decent Smile, New Teeth & A Better Pose

 after a late four martini lunch by 14

For those of you who don’t know who the hell this woman is (I didn’t), here’s a list of her recent work from imdb:

1. “Lives of the Saints” (2004) (mini) TV Series …. Rita Amherst
2. “Jack & Bobby” (2004) TV Series …. Courtney Benedict
3. Wicker Park (2004) …. Rebecca
4. See This Movie (2004) …. Samantha Brown
5. The Death and Life of Nancy Eaton (2003) (TV) …. Nancy Eaton
6. “Napoléon” (2002) (mini) TV Series …. Eleanore Denuelle
7. Bollywood/Hollywood (2002) …. Kimberly

By the way, for those of you who haven’t seen Bollywood/Hollywood, you must check it out. There’s a super cute chick by the name of Lisa Ray.

Here are a couple more pics of Ms. Paré doing an awkward smile & pose…

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Alizee – Sexier French Singer than Jenifer?

 after a late four martini lunch by 30

So within the comments of the Jenifer post there was reference that Alizee is sexier. Well, I just had to post some pics of this broad and see for myself. These pics are probably oldies but they’ll do.

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Year 2006: Who's Gonna Take It (All) Off @ The Movies?

 while thinking about eating a Bastardly Certified lunch by 10

If you’re a picky (horny) moviegoer & must have a reason to shell out big bucks to check out lame flicks (featuring hot chicks), here’s a short list that might be very useful for you.

This list includes movies in which famous chicks will appear in super scandalous clothing or even better, fully nude! Yes, my horndogg friends, now you can plan to go to the right movies & walk away w/ some sense of (sexual) satisfaction even if the movie turns out to suck ass (high probability).

I didn’t come up w/ this list; I’m just touching it up Bastardly-style, that’s all. So yes, w/out wasting anymore time, let’s continue w/ the first chicka…

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Liv Tyler: From Hottie To MILF To Dude

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I’m praying that the powers that be don’t decide to put Liv in some type of bikini & plaster her bod on the cover of leading mags—especially the ones that have premium real estate @ the newsstands. Have mercy on us, Media Gods.

Bastardly Suggestion
Once again, if you’re really hot & have this inner desire to nurture a child, please consider adoption! Angelina mastered the art until one week she ran out of her birth control pills & dumbass Brad Pitt forgot to double bag & in the process of enjoying an insane session of tantric sex w/ Angie, he busted a condom.

So remember, there are countless kids around the globe or even in the United States anxiously awaiting your love & attention.

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