Bastardly Breaking News! Jessica Alba's Engaged! Cash Warren Strikes Gold!

If her career didn’t end a couple weeks back when she announced she was pregnant, well, it’s officially over w/ this announcement.

The 26-year-old actress, who announced earlier this month that she’s expecting, is now engaged to her boyfriend and the baby’s father, producer Cash Warren.

“I can confirm that they are engaged,” Alba’s publicist, Brad Cafarelli, said in an e-mail to The Associated Press on Thursday. [Yahoo!]

J.Alba’s fanbase is a massive group of male horndoggs aged 13-50. Now that everyone knows she’s engaged to a director’s assistant, the little flair that was left is forever gone (until, of course, she comes to her senses, kicks Cash to the curb & formally apologizes to the horndogg community by using her Bastardly Playboy Trump Card).

Catherine Zeta Jones is a case in point. Right when it became common knowledge that Michael Dougy had forever snatched away her sexy youth, dudes didn’t give a shit about what she was doing. In comparison, J.Alba’s actually in a deeper hole considering how Zeta Jones actually made somewhat quality movies (ok-ok, that might be a stretch).

Putting all the bullshit to the side, the real winner in all this is Cash Warren. Along w/ the genital herpes J.Alba gifted him a couple years back, he’s almost a partial owner of her endless supply of residual income from extremely shitty movies. Damn him to hell.

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nicole
nicole

disease, hiv, sex, genital, stds, sexually transmitted diseases and genital herpes dating at STDromance.com

Adam
Adam

plus, any chick with herpes is a no no no no no NO in my book of sexy, or even average.

ha ha jesSUCKA ( isnt that how she got her herpes?! ironic, she was on some TV show like law and order or something and she played a (slut) girl with....GONNOREAH in her... THROAT! LOL!! ), all the money in the WORLD, not your million from whatever rag/magazine for pictures when you finally push the little bastard out. can babies be born with herpes, anorexia and a doiche bag attitude? LOL

Adam
Adam

yes i know that was cruel, but it suits her fugly face. ever heard of ZIT CREAM, jesSUCKA?! lol

Adam
Adam

Thank you, thank you, thank you Jess for always covering that ugly face. I was actually surprised when I learned Jess was prego because I always thought Jess was the "man" in that relationship. She probably got prego on purpose to get Cash to marry her... not that he is good looking either. Ya, they're both ugly so guess they deserve each other. Just feel sorry for the baby... no good looks to inherit in that family. Knowing Jess, she'll probably put a paper bag over that baby's head for at least the first 6 months after it's born... wish she would do that herself... could cut out eye holes to see but at least she can stop scaring people with the ugly face when in public.

this girl thinks she is like, the whos who of hotness, and she really is the poster child for some acne commercial. zits, knocked up, bastard child comming, fugly girl, bad celulite, shes a total tool, not to mention douchebag. i wish shed push out a still born and slit her wrists. jesSUCKA albaTROSS, piss OFF!

damla55
damla55

21,

you stupid bitch...i always first write my own comments and then read the rest...dont flatter yourself...it just shows you how opposite we are, doesnt it...ugly twat

mean
mean

Her lips are ugly they stick all out like Bubba from Forrest Gump

first
first

4th prettiest

BeeBee
BeeBee

Alba - "I love that everyone can look past my looks, and see that I'm one of the decades greatest actresses". Cash - "I know what you mean. My success is directly attributed to my cunning business sense, and not just about who I knock up!"

Alba - "I yearn for a normal life. One in which we could walk hand in hand with our bastard love child, and not worry about the ills of fame. Lets ponder what life would be like, without Hollywood, and the paparazzi"

Both - "Holy Christ, that would suck!"

Cash - "God damn life is great. Just think, in 7 months US weekly will be paying us 1 million for exclusive photo's. In 8 months I'll be banging some new, fresh, Hollywood wannabe. In 9 months you'll will be yesterday's news. Hey at least I had you in your prime."

matt
matt

damn you cash warren, damn you....

ACNE ATTACK
ACNE ATTACK

http://www.dlisted.com/node/20673#comments

She looks so miserable. That's a shame because no one goes to her movies, no one has anything nice to say about her and all she can do get pregnant like everyone else to get attention. You know, if she wasn't an actress, she'd be another unwed, pregnant Latina.

omega
omega

damla 55

you complain I talk to you {as if}

so why make so stupid comment about mine

I said she had great lips and that's the first thing she say is ugly

you may have a psych major

but you ARE MAJORLY PSYCHO AND NEED TO GET A LIFE

b*tch slap
b*tch slap

Why the fuck is she so sour? It would be a beautiful thing if she woke up one morning as a cashier at Wal-Mart. No health insurance, 4 screaming kids to feed and no baby daddy in sight. THEN she would earn the right to that puss she sports 24/7. Ungratful cunt.

ya ya
ya ya

It's so satisfying to see her looking so pissed off when the paps are around.

ya ya
ya ya

That is the first thing I thought when I saw this - she bought her own damn ring!! LMAO!

walker
walker

She needs some zit cream, AND some personality cream. In no particular order.

Something to consider though, this girl here is not really A-List, meaning, they will not fly to the other side of the world as if she were Aniston or Posh et al. she's getting papped because she's putting herself out to where they can work her ass.

In other words, if she took a different route she wouldn't be having this "problem." She's pulling a diva and acting the cunt while trying to cash in.

Grouch
Grouch

A no-talent twat who is more famous for getting knocked up.

damla55
damla55

her lips are so ugly...they have a weird shape to them...and extremely overrated in every department.

Herman B
Herman B

obviously brad carafelli is flaming gay. who else would and enjoy bringing such sucky news. and yes brad you have my day of birth and age right.

sexygoddess
sexygoddess

i think jessica is happy she's jus sick of the paparazzi u noe like how vicki beckham neva smiles n stuff not coz she's unhappy

well good luck 2 jessica

lets hope the kid is pretty NEXT!!!!!

kenny
kenny

Thank you and good night Ms Alba.

Oh well, we will always have Into the Blue.

someguy
someguy

@luvin diz

Is that even english? "hur"? That's not even a fucking abbreviation! Please remove yourself from the gene pool, you pathetic retard.

Plasma
Plasma

As I recall, she was already in Playboy. I think she was on the cover.

hermione_q
hermione_q

I agree with JohnnyMak's comments. Now I wholeheartedly approve of slimness, even skinniness - but taken to the extreme, it doesn't suit everybody. Alba is one such woman. I watched Sin City a couple of nights ago and was blown away by how amazing she looked- slim, yes, but also pert and luscious in the body and the face. Now she's lost a little of that fat (probably no more than a stone) she just looks a little masculine and wan. Have a bowl of pasta Alba, it won't kill you...

omega
omega

I like her skin tone and her lips {great shape}

luvin diz*
luvin diz*

YEH OK

hur career died

and she neva had da luk ..so w/e

alwaiz hated alba

now der just more alba (HUR BABY)

to go aroundd

pstroyer
pstroyer

She's beautiful alright. But I don't like her vibe.

EiriniRK
EiriniRK

Although she looks really bitchy in those pics, I still think she's beautiful!! :))

JohnnyMak
JohnnyMak

"In comparison, J.Alba’s actually in a deeper hole considering how Zeta Jones actually made somewhat quality movies (ok-ok, that might be a stretch)."

Catherine Zeta Jones won an Oscar for acting.

Anyway, I stopped giving a shit about this Alba bitch long ago when she got all bony. She looked great when she had some meat on her, but the Hollywood and the little fashion fug bug got her and the dream died. All to the delight of those little white girls that dream of a world where anorexia is looked upon as a blessing.

Fuck that.