Blake Lively & Her Legs Temporarily Out Of Commission; Blake Lively Might Be Pregnant

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Shotgun weddings are normally the result of an unplanned pregnancy, so we’re assuming that’s what happened here. The couple have a nice house in Connecticut, a great dog, so why not complete the soon-to-be-shredded family photo w/ a baby (or a night of drunken sex when you’re out of condoms & Blake’s off the pill)? That’s always a great idea, right?

As most of you bastards know by now, Ryan Reynolds & Blake Lively temporarily tied the knot over the weekend in South Carolina, of all places. The extremely private wedding was held at the Boone Hall Plantation in Mount Pleasant and even included a performance by British rocker Florence Welch, who happens to one of Blake’s close friends.

Don’t know who else was in attendance, but we hope Blake invited a few of her “Gossip Girl” co-workers. What we do know is Leonardo DiCaprio was definitely not on the list, but it’s not like he gives a shit considering he already had plenty of yacht-sex with Blake Lively while the two dated for a few weeks last year while Leo vacationed in the Mediterranean. The other person not on the guest list was Ryan Reynold’s ex-wife Scarlett Johansson, who he divorced after just a couple years of married life.

So yeah, what is it with Ryan Reynolds & his desire to marry every hot, up & coming chick in Hollywood? And secondly, what is it with the chicks who say yes to Ryan? Granted, the guy was chosen as People’s Sexiest Man Alive, but he also starred in “The Green Lantern,” one of the shittiest superhero films of all time! Blake was his co-star in the film. If the two got married soon after doing a blockbuster hit like the “Titanic,” then I wouldn’t be such an asshole, but the $200 million “Green Lantern” was a bust on a monumental scale & simply proves that Blake & Ryan make a horrible pairing. If it can’t work in a Hollywood fantasy, how the hell can the paring work with all the landmines that come coupled w/ married life? I’m sorry, but I can’t see this lasting more than 15 months.

We’ve done all the heavy lifting calculus of married life to save you guys the time, so here’s how we see it:

3 months: shortened honeymoon period b/c they’ve already had sex a bazillion times
6 months: fighting, bickering—this should intensify after shitty film releases b/c both have pretty bad luck at the box-office
3 months: somewhat violent fighting (i.e. throwing things, personal injury, & possible partner abuse)
1 month: self-imposed separation (i.e. “Let’s take a break from each other! We’ll work it out!”)
3 days: crazy makeup sex in an exotic destination
4 days: makeup-sex-vacation was a week long affair so they’ll spend the first days having crazy amounts of sex & then remaining four days fighting.
2 final months: of intense fighting leading up to their divorce 15 long & painful months later

So, with that in hand, why bring on unwarranted stress, especially with a guy who just finished proving that he’s really bad at married life, or at least, needs more time to reflect on a failed marriage with one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood (Scarlett).

In celebration of the wedding, we’ve included a few or our favorite photos of Blake Lively & her legs from over the years. Let’s hope she maintains them while she’s out of commission.