“Most pregnancies last about nine months, or about four marriages in Kim time.”[THR]
If we were better people, we’d probably just wish Kim Kardashian and happy and nausea-free pregnancy and leave it at that. Since we are not, we had a blast picking through Twitter yesterday after her announcement that she is, much to the chagrin of the collective human gene pool, pregnant with Kanye West’s baby.
Here are some of our favorite tweets from some hilarious individuals in Twitter-space:
Andy Borowitz: “It’s so weird to think that Kim Kardashian has sex even when we’re not watching.”
Andrew Kaczynski: “We are heading over the fiscal –OH MY GOD KANYE DID WHAT!?”
Joe Flint: “Kim Kardashian and Kanye West having kid. Mayans announce they got month wrong. World ends in January.”
Bill Simmons: “Why isn’t “Kim and Kanye are gonna make awesome parents!” trending?”
And my personal favorite from The Dark Lord: “Kanye West just announced onstage that Kim Kardashian is pregnant. I don’t even need a prophecy to tell me this kid has to be destroyed.”
Visit the film’s official website!
Andy Garcia says quite emphatically in A Dark Truth that, “All we can do is search for the truth, and then defend it.” This would be a great moment in the movie, except that by the time it arrives we have literally no clue what he is referring to.
The first major movie of 2013 is a pretty hapless affair: Garcia plays Jack Begosian, an ex-CIA officer who is hired to uncover a corporation’s role in a South American massacre (yes, we’re all thinking of you, Halliburton). Once he gets there, he is aided by a pair of do-goody activists (played by Eva Longoria and Forest Whitaker) who show him how evil a bond has been forged between the American government, its spy agencies, and conglomerate corporate interests. Human lives are but balance sheets and human blood is an easily spilled commodity.
The actors do the best with that they are given. It might behoove us to remember that not so long ago Forest Whitaker won an Oscar for his brilliant portrayal of Idi Amin. Eva Longoria still looks like a million bucks and has comic timing to spare, but here she is forced to look perpetually dazed and confused. Andy Garcia obviously craves the days when he was still a contender for Al Pacino’s leading man slot. This movie gives none of them what they want.
“Mumble mumble mumble moon eyes. Mumble mumble mumble mumble lay in a field. Mumble mumble mumble perv on a baby. Mumble.”[HP]
RiffTrax moviegoers are clearly not fans of the Twilight movies. They love to hate these movies, and did so by naming Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 the worst movie of all time. Yup, all time.
To be fair, they were dumping their hatred of the entire franchise on just one movie (the most recent one, of course), of which they said, “There’s a lot to cover in this vast, sprawling film series so let us try to boil it down for you: Mumble mumble mumble moon eyes. Mumble mumble mumble mumble lay in a field. Mumble mumble mumble perv on a baby. Mumble.”
Others that made the top five for the Worst Movies of All Time included:
2. Batman & Robin
4. Spider-Man 3
5. Avatar – The Last Airbender
(Dis)honorbale mention also goes to Battleship and Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengance. What, none of these kids saw Battlefield Earth??!
“Ms. Barrino is not now, nor has she ever been an opponent of the LGBT community. She has supported and performed at numerous events that are sponsored by the LGBT community.”[Source]
Remember the good ol’ days when the worst thing a pop star could say was about how he married Elvis’s daughter because he really, really loved her? Now, thanks to the advent of social media, stars are constantly falling over themselves to explain what they meant when they post random and incomplete thoughts that any reasonable observer might construe as offensive.
Fantasia Barrino learned this when she posted a message on Instagram the other day declaring that, “I Rise ABOVE IT ALL!!! THE WORLD IS GONE MAD. KIDS, THE GOVERMENT, THE church House… Everybody Trying!!!!!!!. It’s a lot that going on that the Bible speaks about we should Not be doing. Weed legal in some places, Gay Marriage Legal BUT YET IM JUDGED!!! Im not doing Nothing for you… My Life!!!!”
Not entirely sure what prompted the meltdown (or why some people insist on using over a dozen exclamation points in one post), but she quickly felt the backlash of her young fans (i.e. supporters of gay marriage and recreational pot use), which then prompted her managers to reiterate that, “Ms. Barrino is not now, nor has she ever been an opponent of the LGBT community. She has supported and performed at numerous events that are sponsored by the LGBT community. Whether it’s through a live performance or placement on social media, Ms. Barrino uses every opportunity to reach out and connect with her fans, all of her fans.”
Barrino then went on to state emphatically that, “I, Fantasia Monique Barrino, don’t judge anyone because I don’t want to be judged. The gay community is one of my largest supporters. I support the gay community as the support me. Bloggers please stop misrepresenting the facts.”
See what quoting the Bible will do to you? Somewhere, Bill Maher is stroking a white cat.
Photo Credit: Hollywood Tuna; View More: Scarlett Johansson Works It Good For Elle
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$35 FANDANGO GIFT CARDS FOR ALL LEGIT PARTICIPANTS (*if* you get picked)!!