Author Archives: Moe

SNL: Ben Afleck, Weekend Update & Amy Poehler

Ben Affleck

I didn’t watch it all mainly because I forgot to TiVO it, but I saw a clip off the website.

Let’s take it from the top. Ben Affleck’s bit on Weekend Update was pretty sad. Seriously, man. Are they even trying to be funny anymore? Plus, BEN AFFLECK?!! Other people who would’ve done far better for an opener:

1. Paris Hilton – As we know she wouldn’t turn down to be in front of the camera
2. Britney Spears – She might have been busy, but a dual guest would’ve worked!
3. Anyone, BUT Affleck!

Weekend Update – They should trash the entire segment. Either they spend millions to find someone super hot & funny or don’t even bother with the two women deal. It’s just not workin’, yo.

Amy Poehler
– Going back to the first one, their writers suck fat ass!

Possible Remedies

1. Fire the writers. Fuck! Did you hear that hashish joke that Amy bombed?! It just makes the people look bad.
2. Go to reality TV business & hold a national vote each show & eventually kick out one cast member each month. By the end of the season, they’ll be forced to start with a semi-fresh cast the next season. It’s a painful (and somewhat exciting) resolution, but it must be done!

Ratings – Rhona "Lara" Mitra

Snakey Mitra!
We can do the snake dance anytime you want, sexhay!

The terrain is pretty damn dry when you attempt to spot some noteworthy babes in the Fall 2004 Primetime Lineup. Oh well. We’re in Ugg times where the Olsen Twins are considered pretty & Keira Knightely & Britney Spears are rated #1 in various mags. Damn the acting schoosl that teach Ug-girls to bloody act better than stupid, hot ones.

ABC’s Boston Legal’s got a naughty-naughty Brit named Rhona Mitra. As I do not watch the show, I can’t go deeper than that—although, now I might consider Tivo’ing it if it doesn’t conflict with my Chappelle, Attell, poker, & DeNiro movies. Irregardless, who the hell wants to read a bullshit review on a law show, right? This is all about layin’ down da gossip & indulging in a bowl of Mitra Soup, baby! Yummy! First, let’s do the numbers, baby…

Kerry: Rockin' The House

Kerry & Edwards

I’m sure Kerry felt like a superhero today. He knew exactly what he was getting into & not surprisingly, came in w/ a butt load of facts stuffed into his head. I have to to hand it to his party, though. They seriously programmed him pretty well for tonight.

They were both pretty repetitive & if you listened carefully to the Prez, you could tell that he was being super robotic with his responses. It’s almost like they told him to listen for keywords & once he heard certain words, he’d make programmed responses. It was funnier than annoying. Although, I didn’t expect too much from either.

Oh one more thing. I made a $50 bet today that Bush would win. I am a gambler @ heart, so when I see my odds are favorable, I strike like an Indian cobra—only when I’m NOT in Vegas b/c my Vegas record is pretty shitty, to say the least. Irregardless of my own personal sentiments, there are two things I don’t argue against: The market & reality. In order for the economy & dollar to stay afloat, money needs to be spent like crazy or we spiral real quickly into deflation! Bush is doing just that. As you know, dollahs are more precious than lives (unfortunately)! Also, at times of great fear, patriotism takes hold of our minds & we unconsciously become stupid.

Rock the Vote, yo!

Ratings – Keira "Pancake" Knightley

Ow! Keira!
We all know Keira Knightley is hot, but I think a lot of us are just Americans who find a semi-beautiful girl w/ a British accent sexy. Actually, just today it was learned that Keira topped a 100 Sexiest Movie Star Of All Time list put out by UK’s Empire Magazine. That’s quite a claim by the mag (a little bias), but I kindly disagree. By the way, Ms. Jolie came in second. If you put the two of them side by side, you’d have to be completely blind to choose Keira over Angelina. Seriously. Ok, now that we have that out of the way, let’s hit the numbers.

6.25 – Raw score. The number of bones you can count on her body is almost sickening, but I guess that’s the price of style & acceptance in our superficial society.

– 0.75 – The potential for murder or death while you have sex with Ms. Knightley. Once again, put some meat on those pointy bones, sistah! Even with 10-15 more pounds, Jackson will still love you & your boobless body.

+ 1.25 – She made her world debut in an Indian flick. It wasn’t British, a’right! It was bloody Indian. Bangra 4 life, baby!

– 0.50 – She must remedy the skinnyman-boob situation ASAP! I’m not saying you go out & pull a Pamela Anderson, ok. I’m gonna guess & say she’s either a AAA or an AA, so I would suggest at least jumping to a B (beware, the link leads to a not-so good lookin’ pair of boobs).

6.25 – Total Score

Anna Nicole's BIG Secret


I know you guys are far smarter than to believe that a simple membership to a spa is responsible for Anna Nicole losing 300 lbs. It’s all an illusion, my friends. She showed her fatass on TV for a good 6 months & engraved her 800lb body in our fragile minds. Then, lo & behold, she joined a spa & now weighs a cool 250! You see, it’s all a ploy.

Sistah, please! Why bother with a spa & exercise when you can call up the bank from your livingroom couch & wire some dough to your neighborhood surgeon’s account. Now that we have the facts straight, lets guess the surgical enhancements involved in this transformation:

1. Abdominoplasty (tummy tuck)………………..Loss of 200lbs
2. Rhytidectomy (face lift)……….Loss of 7lbs
3. Lipo (takin’ Anna outta Anna)……….Loss of 50lbs
4. Snipets of extra skin……….Loss of 5lbs
5. Boobies (a size or two reduction)……….Loss of 5lbs

Exercise – She didn’t mean to, it just happened!

6. Walking to Surgeon’s Office……….Loss of 15lbs
7. Walking to TrimSpa Ad Shoots……….Loss of 10lbs

Total Weight Lost: 292 pounds!

May God have mercy on Plastic Surgeons!

The Ghetto Connection

As I am well connected with my peoples of all incomes, I’ve uncovered one of the least rewarding & most horrible paying jobs in the world.

Phone book Delivery! You know, that little book we take completely for granted, but manages to bail us out when the internet is not available? Yes, PEOPLE actually deliver those 10 pound weights!

A friend of mine researched into delivering these books this year b/c she was a (little) strapped for cash (haha. Sad, I know). Get this: They have a seminar, that teaches you proper mechanisms behind the delivery of phone books (i.e. tells you to place books in front of customer door hinges so that they don’t trip, reveals how you can capture a 20% (!!!) bonus if you place each book @ the doorstep, & etc etc). So I bet you’re all wondering how you can get in on this in your own cities, right? Here are the stats, my friends:

1. Number of Phone books to deliver: 900 Larges + 900 Smalls
2. Payment: $130
3. 20% bonus: $26

Seriously, that works out to be 7.22 cents per book! BUT if you opt to shoot for that exclusive bonus, make that 8.66 cents per book, kids! Those capitalist bastards!

Sidenote about seminar: All the people in attendance were WOMEN!

The Bastardly Vote: Debates, Part I

Bush Thug
Yes, I should be slapped for putting that up.

Should be interesting to see what happens—not that there were will be any relevant info except more material for gossip. Bush will merely continue his thuggish robot march & make witty comments that poke at Kerry’s indecisive past. Truly bastardly strategy, I tell you.
Anyway, here’s what not to expect in the debates:

1. Direct answers to any questions each candidate will be asked.

2. Every ‘beat around the bush’ tactic in the book (i.e. waste time & repeat each other)

3. Israel & Palestine issues (i.e. any key issue that will truly make a difference)

4. Reference to lost troops in Iraq (even though the questions will reference the poor souls)

If you’re one of the few who still remain undecided, watch with plenty of patience for bullshit!

Rock the vote, yo!

Asslee "Please Retire" Simpson Attacking Movies

Asslee Simpson
Is it really worth putting that thing on a 70-foot screen?!

Shit! Her cocksucking, greedy bastard of a father is whoring his daughter to Hollywood now. Asslee, take our word for it:

1. Your daddy is a pimping bastard who should have his balls cut off. (Ok, maybe that’s a little too harsh)

2. You have no talent & should retire before all 400k copies of your album flood the used section @ music stores around the country. Uhhh…that gives you about 2 weeks! Ok, I’m gonna be nice now.

Ok, on to more important stuff. It was recently revealed that Ashlee Simpson already pullin’ a J-Lo & hitting up hollywood. Hmm, what could such a project involve? I’ll let her describe it & you be the judge:

The movie involves music and actors, and all that kind of stuff. I play an actor, and it’s basically about musicians trying to find their way. There’s a guy who gets too old to be a musician, and all of us become his fan club. So it’s going to be a great movie, it’s going to be really exciting. [via Female First]

The explanation was alright up until “There’s a guy…” Ass, you seriously gotta stop hittin’ those weefers before interviews. Take our word! QUIT while you’re slowly falling behind!!

Prisons With A Touch Of Martha

Martha Makeover

It’s been decided! Alderson Federal Prison is the lucky institution that will soon greet Martha Stewart! Poor lady. Seriously. After snooping around in attempt to find some juice, I found some secret documents being held for shareholders in a future press release. We’ve now put 2 and 2 together & finally figured out why Martha’s been so damn anxious to head to prison. Let’s take one of her statements out of context to help support our case,

I hope too that I will be able to begin serving my sentence in the very near future…[via Yahoo]

View the next page to see photos from a possible ad campaign launching for the redesign of boring, old Alderson prison.

Oh No! Kevin Federline In Heavy Debt!

Although, the brotha’s not worried! hmmm

Anyway, has Britney gone crazy or does she just think we’re all dumbass hicks (not that Kevin Federline is)? As I have stated, Kevin is a fucking genius to have hit the marriage jackpot with a $108m bombshell of a pop-princess! You go, boy! Here’s Brit screaming off to the press:

I am very annoyed with some reports speculating such [garbage] that I had to pay for the wedding myself and that I even had to buy my own ring.

“It’s simply so not true. Kevin took out a loan to contribute towards the wedding and so he could buy me my band. He insisted.

“It’s so hurtful when this kind of thing comes out. Kevin pays his own way and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Ok-ok, let’s give her the loan part. Great for Kevin & his morale, but why would any banker give a dancer a fucking loan?! I know I wouldn’t. BUT, there’s a minor detail the bankers took into consideration. This dirty dancin’ hick of a backup dancer is now married to Britney Spears who has royalties spewing out of her ass.

Brit, must we resort to speculating again?

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