Author Archives: Moe

Passion or Protocol?

In a small series that no one will read (most probably because it lacks spicy celebs and hot, sexy gossip about fobby porn stars), I’ll portray a darker side of life. A side of life that we tend to not bother with until it’s far too late & as you all well know, when it’s too late, it’s simply too late, baby! It has to do with what plagues me day in & day out: personal hypocrisy being one & the process of ‘moving-on’ (I know there’s another word I should use here) being another. Hypocrisy is something I feel that most can relate to, yet no one probably wants to read about only because it will make them look too far inside than desirable. So with that, lets move on to the next topic. I think ‘moving the hell on with life’ will be of interest to 3 or 4 of you people who are completely bored out of your mind or of course, in a similar position in life.

Lame Search Words & An Ugly Beach

AAAEEEW!
Santa Monica Beach, today. Literally gross. Sole reason why I hated going to beaches in Cali.

1. FAMOUS ACTRESSES WITH CLOSE-SET EYES [Love the detail]
2. hiromi oshima sex tape
3. hiromi oshima nelly
4. hiromi oshima threesome [yes, one more!]
5. varian gray [part-time correspondent]
6. fuck indians outsourcing bastards [haha]
7. define fobby [Jax/Melissa, one of you should do a Fob Personality type as you two have more experience]
8. lame chan
9. Nick Carter Paris Hilton bruise
10. vanessa bryant gain weight [She’s still hot, baby]
11. fobbed out [Jax/Melissa: When you do the Personality Type, give examples. haha]
12. ashlee simpson has large breasts I never got passed her nose
13. lam ka yan damn sexy [fobby search in all its glory]
14. The Thai Princess Thai Drama [Melissa, you have some fans]

and of course, a crowd we proudly cater…

15.-Black guys with japanese girl

Prophet Madonna

Material Girl Ale, Baby

Above is the photo of Material Girl Ale, which is famously named after the Queen of Entertainment Marketing, Madonna. I wonder what kind of royalties she’s pulling in for this deal.

Surely, the Kabbalah, Inc. considers having an ale named & designed after oneself a sin. Right?! In doing some research, I found Alan Hassan’s website, Freedom of Mind, in which there is a cute little Kabbalah Learning Center. As I read, I fell upon these wise words,

“Alcohol carries light”, therefore -especially in the retreats in LA – consumption of alcohol is encouraged to “get close to the light” as part of rituals, also to minors.

Weird, indeed. So does this make Madonna the ‘Light’
since Material Girl Ale is in fact around 7.5% Alcohol? If she donates another $100 million to the cause, I’m sure Kabbalah, Inc. would most probably declare her a prophet of some sort. Wouldn’t surprise me at all.

Who really knows what the Kabbalah really is. Just buy the Kabbalah merchandise and drink some of the nutty Ale, for God’s sake! When you’re well tipsy & seeing the light of Kabbalah wisdom, all questions will subside & money will just flow out of your pockets to the current CEO of Kabbalah, Inc.

Ivana Trump To Host MILF Show!

I-don’t-vana
Yes, following in the footsteps of her ex-husband turned manwhore, Donald Trump, Ivana Trump is set to create a new reality TV show of her own. “Ivana Man” will be its name. Although, I thought FOX was a little more creative than “Ivana Man.” It has a ring to it, but when you think about the model turned 55-year old drag queen, your stomach gets queasy & your mind fills with the desire to vomit. Here are some wise words from Ivana:

“I cannot be with an older man. They’re too set in their ways. … I prefer to be a baby-sitter than a nursemaid.”

um…ok. A little weird, but weird is good. Especially for reality TV.
Come to think of it, MILFs are plentiful in major metropolitan cities, but I figure these women have to offer other amenities apart from sex in order to successfully reel in some young fish. I’m talkin’ free use of their Netjets flying time, trips to exotic locations, possibly access to their 20-something daughters (where applicable).
Two questions remain:

(1) Will this show only be watched by depressed older women & young, gay men?

(2) And why is I-don�t-vana’s last name still Trump? Is it b/c she robbed him of millions?

Æon Flux: Delayed!

Oh yeah, baby

For those of you kids who do not know, there’s an Æon Flux movie coming out staring the beautifully hot (is ‘beautifully hot’ even possible?) & sexy Charlize Theron! This is made to order for the western world, so I’m assuming it will be a crazy hit. Actually, it will be damn hard to replicate the toon with all its crazy characters & worlds, but anything’s possible in a post-Matrix era! Irregardless, the movie will be indefinitely delayed (minimum 6 weeks) due to injuries suffered by our Spicy Charlize. What kind of injuries? Well, Seattle Times overheard a Charlize rep saying,

“No cuts, no broken bones. I think it was something less tangible than that. … Something vague and nagging.”

Since when were we playing ‘guess the injury?!’ Shit. That is, by far, one of the most useless ‘updates’ on an injured entertainer, I’ve heard. This “representative” should be fired.

Anyway, moving on to a more nostalgic tone. God. I loved this show. Even though Æon (product of an Asian, Steve) was one of those shows where I watched almost every episode on MTV, but for some odd reason, I had no bloody clue what was going on. The plot was so beyond me. I just remember a really tall scientist in a long white-coat & an equally tall woman decked out in the skimpiest of lingerie running around in these completely screwed up worlds. I have faint images of them in incubators & at times injecting crap inside one another, so my mind tends to pick up the sick stuff, as you can see.

Bastardly.com Is Born!

Yes-yes. It’s that time, kids. It’s time to go to an even lower low. Just when you thought Phatchicks.com was quite possibly the most horrible name for a weblog that represents all that is listed above, Bastardly.com comes into play.

So tell all your Vietnamese family & friends. Tell even those horny Hiromi Oshima-stalker friends. And lastly, don’t forget those especially cool friends who love to hate Asslee Simpson. Remind them now that the party is not over yet, it just moved down the block to Bastardly.com.

Oh yeah, one last thing…
Remember, we love all people. Bastard kids are not at fault for anything, nor are their parents. Actually, let me take that back. If anything, society should call the parents Bastards & leave the poor kids alone. Being born a bastard is just as beautiful of a thing as being conceived by a couple in wedlock—No difference except when you’re a bastard child, society assumes your mommy was knocked up (thus, the negative connotation). Although in some cases that might be true, you are still special & the wild sex your mommy & daddy enjoyed was special, too (at least, at that particular time).

Enjoy!

My Olympic Moment

Before I start my jabbing, I want to say that my co-workers were just calculating how much they’d each walk away with if their husbands were to suddenly pass away. Only in America, I tell you. One of them would run off w/ $50k & another with $5k. Pretty sad, indeed (the $5k). The one with $5k said, ‘I’d just cremate him fo’ $795 and use the rest to go to funland w/ my byeebee.’ Dear lord, have mercy.

Meet Nikolai Karpol:
Scream, baby, Scream!

VMA's Celeb Glitz & Fits

Pauly, Simon & Paris
[View More Sexy Photos @ Miami Herald]

MTV VMAs is going to be competing against the Republican National Convention (snooze), so I feel sorry for all those poor kids who suffer through life w/ only 1 television. Considering there are roughly 36 million Americans living in poverty, you can bet your ass that there are plenty of houses with 1 TV. But who cares about all that, right? Let’s move to the juice…

Puffy (‘P Diddy’ is annoyingly hard to type, alright), probably seen his share of poverty, but now livin’ the high-life with his new 120 Diamond Encrusted Apple iPod from HP. He’s surely going to hell. Check out the PR (yes, a Press Release for his party—no joke) of his After-Party which includes news on his bloody iPod.

Beanie Man will not be performing “Queers Must Be Killed.” Oh shucks! I’m sure there are gonna be a lot of angry fans. [SOHH]

Do I see some White Trash (dirty) Brit’s Tongue
Here’s a nice year by year flash back of crazy events to help you figure out what craziness awaits in the near future… [Florida Sun-Sentinel]

Get this. This is how spoiled stars are:
– 1 of them wants 50 towels (apparently they don’t plan to use the bed or possibly planning on having have sex around 40-50 times)
– Another wants to only drink Kabbalah Water (Want to follow in the ways of the Kabbalah?)
– ‘Punk’ rocker Gwen Stefani only takes goat’s milk w/ her cereal (you know some worker’s gonna piss in her milk)
– Someone wants M&Ms (2 bags: peanut & plain) w/ 6 bowls in which they will separate colors. [Miami Herald]

One question remains, though. Will this man be in attendance…
DEAR LORD, GOD O’ MIGHTY!
Ok, I’m kinda grossed out now, so I’ll stop.

Lame Ducks, No. 8

The last couple weeks have been rough, but the future seems to be lookin’ even tougher! Anyway, all that will come in another post. For now, I want to introduce to you all a special person who got me watching this year’s pretty sad Olympics for a whole 40 minutes! 2 words: Logan Tom. Now for 2 photos of Ms. Tom:

The Legs!
She might look a little like Natalie Portman, but if you think about it, Natalie Portman is like 4’11” (Ms. Tom: 6’1″), Natalie attended Haaaaaaawaaad (Ms. Tom: Staaaanfaad) & Logan Tom bloody plays Women’s Volleyball on the Olympic team! GooooOOOO Loooooowgun (Natalie: A Star Wars Manikin)!

I wish I was the Ground!
God, what I’d give to be the floor! Dear Lord, have mercy!

Ok, now that I’ve got you all excited, here are my latest lame links…

Since we’re tracking Britney’s demise, this is noteworthy news. Britney is planning to cast her soon to be ex-husband, Kevin Federline, in her new video in which she will get married. Bad idea Britney. Usually when you’re divorced to someone you once loved very much, you don’t exactly want to accidentally listen to songs in which you’re happily getting married. You’re simply setting yourself up for heavy drug use in the future & God forbid: suicidal tendencies brought upon by severe depression (knock on wood). [NY Post]

Anyone wanna go to La Tomatina with me next year? [TV New Zealand]

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