Author Archives: Moe

Crush of a Lifetime

I have decided to feature the one and only ….

Yes ladies and gentlemen. Mr. Johnny Depp. For as long as I’ve been a woman (I hit pueberty around 10) I’ve been absolutely enamoured by this amazing gift god has bestowed upon us. Although he is at the ripe age of 41 … my god he still does it to me. Whewwwww …. HOTTT!

Ghetto-Fabulous Office!

Is it just me or does Corporate America love to secretly rape its employees while they’re looking the other way.

Yesterday, I was sweating like I had just played 4 hours of basketball. Today, my head is pounding. Usually my office is a nice & painful 90 degrees, but today it’s a cool 80 degrees with the help of my trusty mini desk fan. But the real culprit for the headache is not the heat, but all the paint that sits behind my rathole. I swear to God, they couldn’t have scheduled a better time (uh, like the weekend) to paint the entire back wall.

It’s horrible having to wake my ass up in the morning & come to a rathole that sits in the middle of a construction site. Bastards! My bosses? They roll into work in their army of S500s & 745s around 11 & enjoy the comfort of their air-conditioned offices and $5000 leather chairs—only to leave after lunch.

Once again: Where’s the love, my brothas!?!

Bin Laden Takes Bush & Wants Kerry

Bin laden Votes for Kerry

Apparently The Most Evil Man On Earth responsible for all the hate and madness that’s currently floating around wants Kerry to win (revealed in one of those shady Al Qaeda Press Conferences shot in the Super Secret Cave that no can seem to find anywhere on Earth). That’s not the true scandal, my friends. It was recently uncovered that Bin Laden is secretly sleeping with Bush on the side (pretty gross photo, so be wary)! We all knew the Bin Ladens were sleeping with the Bushes long before this photo, but who the hell knew it was USAMA Bin Laden? Can you believe this guy?! What a slutty Terrorist!

Insured Body Parts

Ow! $3m lips

Capitalism has gone to yet another low: body part insurance industry. I heard about J.Lo’s ass being insured, but I never knew the beauties were insured for bloody $1 billion. What kind of premiums does that involve anyway? Let’s face it, only a stupid entertainer would make such payments! Seriously. What the hell has to happen to her ass so that she’ll get the billion?? The ass is in such a place on the body that for it to come off the body could be fatal (and pretty damn gross). I’m guessing Jenny has to suffer such an injury where her ass will become unshakable and therefore become useless in pullin’ in the bucks. This is why I’d love to get my hands on the fine-print for this policy. It would be pure comedy. Irregardless of J.Lo’s ass detaching itself from her body, a billon dollar payoff could take an insurance company down under.

Anyway, here are some other stupid people:

-Heidi Klum’s Legs for a cool 1.1 million pounds. She’s old news already.

-Dolly Parton’s (of all women) OLD, wrinkled up boobs for $600,000. Who the hell set this price?!

-Claudia Schiffer’s face is worth $5mil. Is she waiting for some kind of freak accident to stop the premium payments b/c she’s old news as well.

I’m still contemplating what the hell I’d insure…

Passion or Protocol?

In a small series that no one will read (most probably because it lacks spicy celebs and hot, sexy gossip about fobby porn stars), I’ll portray a darker side of life. A side of life that we tend to not bother with until it’s far too late & as you all well know, when it’s too late, it’s simply too late, baby! It has to do with what plagues me day in & day out: personal hypocrisy being one & the process of ‘moving-on’ (I know there’s another word I should use here) being another. Hypocrisy is something I feel that most can relate to, yet no one probably wants to read about only because it will make them look too far inside than desirable. So with that, lets move on to the next topic. I think ‘moving the hell on with life’ will be of interest to 3 or 4 of you people who are completely bored out of your mind or of course, in a similar position in life.

Lame Search Words & An Ugly Beach

AAAEEEW!
Santa Monica Beach, today. Literally gross. Sole reason why I hated going to beaches in Cali.

1. FAMOUS ACTRESSES WITH CLOSE-SET EYES [Love the detail]
2. hiromi oshima sex tape
3. hiromi oshima nelly
4. hiromi oshima threesome [yes, one more!]
5. varian gray [part-time correspondent]
6. fuck indians outsourcing bastards [haha]
7. define fobby [Jax/Melissa, one of you should do a Fob Personality type as you two have more experience]
8. lame chan
9. Nick Carter Paris Hilton bruise
10. vanessa bryant gain weight [She’s still hot, baby]
11. fobbed out [Jax/Melissa: When you do the Personality Type, give examples. haha]
12. ashlee simpson has large breasts I never got passed her nose
13. lam ka yan damn sexy [fobby search in all its glory]
14. The Thai Princess Thai Drama [Melissa, you have some fans]

and of course, a crowd we proudly cater…

15.-Black guys with japanese girl

Prophet Madonna

Material Girl Ale, Baby

Above is the photo of Material Girl Ale, which is famously named after the Queen of Entertainment Marketing, Madonna. I wonder what kind of royalties she’s pulling in for this deal.

Surely, the Kabbalah, Inc. considers having an ale named & designed after oneself a sin. Right?! In doing some research, I found Alan Hassan’s website, Freedom of Mind, in which there is a cute little Kabbalah Learning Center. As I read, I fell upon these wise words,

“Alcohol carries light”, therefore -especially in the retreats in LA – consumption of alcohol is encouraged to “get close to the light” as part of rituals, also to minors.

Weird, indeed. So does this make Madonna the ‘Light’
since Material Girl Ale is in fact around 7.5% Alcohol? If she donates another $100 million to the cause, I’m sure Kabbalah, Inc. would most probably declare her a prophet of some sort. Wouldn’t surprise me at all.

Who really knows what the Kabbalah really is. Just buy the Kabbalah merchandise and drink some of the nutty Ale, for God’s sake! When you’re well tipsy & seeing the light of Kabbalah wisdom, all questions will subside & money will just flow out of your pockets to the current CEO of Kabbalah, Inc.

Ivana Trump To Host MILF Show!

I-don’t-vana
Yes, following in the footsteps of her ex-husband turned manwhore, Donald Trump, Ivana Trump is set to create a new reality TV show of her own. “Ivana Man” will be its name. Although, I thought FOX was a little more creative than “Ivana Man.” It has a ring to it, but when you think about the model turned 55-year old drag queen, your stomach gets queasy & your mind fills with the desire to vomit. Here are some wise words from Ivana:

“I cannot be with an older man. They’re too set in their ways. … I prefer to be a baby-sitter than a nursemaid.”

um…ok. A little weird, but weird is good. Especially for reality TV.
Come to think of it, MILFs are plentiful in major metropolitan cities, but I figure these women have to offer other amenities apart from sex in order to successfully reel in some young fish. I’m talkin’ free use of their Netjets flying time, trips to exotic locations, possibly access to their 20-something daughters (where applicable).
Two questions remain:

(1) Will this show only be watched by depressed older women & young, gay men?

(2) And why is I-don�t-vana’s last name still Trump? Is it b/c she robbed him of millions?

Æon Flux: Delayed!

Oh yeah, baby

For those of you kids who do not know, there’s an Æon Flux movie coming out staring the beautifully hot (is ‘beautifully hot’ even possible?) & sexy Charlize Theron! This is made to order for the western world, so I’m assuming it will be a crazy hit. Actually, it will be damn hard to replicate the toon with all its crazy characters & worlds, but anything’s possible in a post-Matrix era! Irregardless, the movie will be indefinitely delayed (minimum 6 weeks) due to injuries suffered by our Spicy Charlize. What kind of injuries? Well, Seattle Times overheard a Charlize rep saying,

“No cuts, no broken bones. I think it was something less tangible than that. … Something vague and nagging.”

Since when were we playing ‘guess the injury?!’ Shit. That is, by far, one of the most useless ‘updates’ on an injured entertainer, I’ve heard. This “representative” should be fired.

Anyway, moving on to a more nostalgic tone. God. I loved this show. Even though Æon (product of an Asian, Steve) was one of those shows where I watched almost every episode on MTV, but for some odd reason, I had no bloody clue what was going on. The plot was so beyond me. I just remember a really tall scientist in a long white-coat & an equally tall woman decked out in the skimpiest of lingerie running around in these completely screwed up worlds. I have faint images of them in incubators & at times injecting crap inside one another, so my mind tends to pick up the sick stuff, as you can see.

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