Author Archives: Moe

Body Double: Angelina Jolie & Anonymous Cia Maritma Model

Angelina Jolie Body Double
First, I would like to say that Brazillian women are absolutely hot! They rank up there with the Thais, Ruskies & Indians!

I wish I had the model’s name, but if any of you horny people know, please comment below. All I know is that she was modeling for Cia Maritma @ the Sao Paulo Fashion Week, Summer 2005.

Body double analysis: In order for this model to become a Angelina Clone, I suggest she get a tip-top surgeon to inject a little botox into her upper lip. Other than that, Angie just has a little meatier appearance, but that’s understandable as she’s no longer paid to be a borderline-anorexic model!

Anyway, in a couple weeks, I’ll be coming out with my top 5 Summer 2005 swimsuits for hotties (especially those special hotties with their beautiful hands deep inside daddy’s disposable income cookie jar).

Kobe's Bitch, Paris Porn & Eminem Takes Shots!

Yes, kids. We’ve known this from the very beginning & finally it came out! That chick who Kobe used & abused actually wanted money. Seriously, is anyone actually surprised? It looks like Kate can’t trust yet another bastard friend!

An acquaintance of the woman also said that during a trip to Canada a month after the incident, Bryant’s accuser “seemed to make a joke” about the assault “and commented about money she was going to get from the trial.” [USA Today]

Eminem’s second coming has begun. Once again he’s going to cheap-shot his way into the shrinking wallets of parents across the country. Damn him. Anyway, Michael Jackson’s digging into his bottomless pit of money & suing Eminem for taking unnecessary shots. Dude, why do people have to hate on Michael!?! Bastards. Anyway, here are a couple lines from the new video in reference to innocent Michael:

Come here little kiddie, on my lap, guess who’s back with a brand new rap. And I don’t mean rap as in a case of child molestation. [Ananova]

Let’s hope that those lines sound better in the actual video.

Lastly, our favorite socialite camera-whore is brewing some trouble again. Since this is coming from News of the World, I wouldn’t trust it too much. They claim:

The 23-year-old has been captured on three new 45-minute tapes which feature the most explicit footage yet, including Hilton masturbating, enjoying a steamy romp with a rocker’s daughter and pleasuring two men at the same time, reports Britain’s NEWS OF THE WORLD newspaper.
A source says, “It’s the most explicit stuff Paris has done yet. It’s unquestionably Paris in all three scenes and she seems to be totally enjoying herself in every one.” [contactmusic]

That last statement leads me believe that it’s not Paris in those videos. News of the World is truly a bastardly institution, but we love them for their creativity & their complete disregard for the truth!

Angelina Jolie: Most Beautiful Home-Wrecker!

Angelina Jole
Here’s the latest. Apparently this bombshell of a beauty wants nothing to do w/ movie stars and the like. I don’t blame her, at all. Entertainers already have something up their ass that helps to inflate their heads, so Ms. Jolie has a point. Ok, now that the stars are out of the way, take notes on this hint by Angelina discussing future relationships:

If I ever have a relationship again, I don’t think he’ll be an actor. It will be somebody who can teach me – who’s already inspired to do things that I haven’t thought of yet.

Normally I would puke after reading something that, but Angelina Jolie commands respect from all! Unfortunately, since this is Hollywood, hypocrisy runs wild as you will soon discover.

I was writing the above a week or so ago, so since then, various close friends (a.k.a. Jennifer Aniston’s personal snitches) reveal that something’s up between Angie & Brad Pitt (Brad’s penis, maybe?—ok-ok BAD JOKE!). Anyway, here’s what one of the bastardly snitches divulged to some reporter:

At the moment it’s not looking good. Brad and Angelina are so into each other and stayed in connecting hotel rooms during the filming of Mr and Mrs Smith. I think Jennifer’s worried about his closeness with Jolie. [contactmusic]

I don’t really blame Brad Pitt at all. Let’s not lie to ourselves now. Jennifer Aniston’s next to ugly when put up against Angelina Jolie. Am I right on this or what? Brad, like any man with a 2 balls & a functional penis, is taking advantage of the heavenly circumstances presented to him. Now, they didn’t get connected rooms so Angie could provide Brad with towels when he ran low (or vice versa), but they got connected rooms so they could really get into their roles for Mr. & Mrs. Smith by enjoying mad-crazy-western sex at the middle of the night after Brad gets off his cell w/ Jens.

All I gotta say is: Brad, my Brotha! You seriously hold all cards at the moment. Jennifer Aniston will not dump your ass b/c she knows she can’t do any better, so cheat away, yo!

The Question: Is Paris Hilton A Racist?

Racist Paris

The Answer: Very possible.

There are a myriad of Qs looming over the world today. Who’s gonna be the next prez? What’ gonna happen in Iraq war? Of course in the overly superficial community, those questions have no value. In their world, people busily ponder whether Tom Cruise & Vin Diesel are gay? Or when is Britney Spears finally going to reveal her addiction to crack-cocaine mixed with crushed Cheetoes (gross photo of Brit)? And, of course, over the last week or so, the rich & naive are preoccupied with a somewhat deeper question: Whether Ms. Paris Hilton is a racist?
Female First reports on an article in the New York Post recently that,

[Paris] Hilton, standing with pal BRANDON DAVIS, was polite to the men, but called them “dumb n*****s” after they left, according to British reporter CAROLE AYE MAUNG, who reviewing the alleged tape.
Maung says, “Two… guys begin talking to her. She’s being very, very sweet to them. (But) she definitely uses the N-word.

All this racist action awaits millions of thirsty eyes in some crazy-ass 12-hour sex video in which Paris is found doing everything from rolling joints to making beautiful, passionate love in a backseat of some car to chubby wife beater, Nick Carter. I wonder who was filming this time around? Anyway, back to the question at hand: Is Paris a brotha-hating racist?

The Bastardly: Simon Cowell

Simon Cowell
Mother fucker! I can’t understand it. Apparently, this guy is charming. News of the World reports on how such a sleezy bastard can be sleeping with hottie, Terri Seymour. Terri explains the pull (let’s keep in mind Simon’s a millionaire):

Terri, 30, sighed: “If I had a pound for every woman Simon has kissed since we’ve been together I’d be VERY rich.

“When I’m out with Simon women are literally throwing themselves at him— grabbing him, kissing him on the lips and then waving back at me. It’s bizarre.

“When I take his clothes to the dry cleaners, I empty out the pockets and find loads of phone numbers scrawled on pieces of paper—from MEN as well as from women. Constantly.

“But if I allowed my jealousy to vent at every single little thing I’d go crazy.”

why i like being drunk

why do i like being drunk? I will tell you why. Its a release from everyday life … and unknown territory that needs to be discovered. As I will atest, although I am drunk … each drunken time will never be exactly the same. Each time is different in its own accord. I feel high … regardless of the fact that I am drunk and on vicodins. Its a state of mind that can not be fooled with. You feel what you feel regardless of who is around you. I feel free to share my thoughts and feelings. I don’t feel constrained by everyday rules and regulation. I am me at my most natural state. You may think that the alcohol is talking … but it is the real me. The me that doesn’t give a fuckin shit about anything or anybody. The me that just cares about me and having a good time. The me that no one can fuck with. I am in my zone. No one can fuck with me right now. I have all power.

I will read this tomorrow and feel sad. Sad because I can not be who I really am with out alcohol. Am I an alcoholic .. I hope not. Alcohol give me the escape from reality that only dream can achieve.

I am lost in this big world. No one can save me.

So I am a drunk. That maybe.

The Cataract Sunglasses by Versace!

Big Glasses
This is what happens when Donatella Versace sniffs a little too much crack…

When I see the Olsen twins sporting these sunglasses, I’m reminded of two (possibly blind) baby monkeys wearing a shit load of lipstick & every piece of jewelry found at your local Indian Jewelry store. Their skulls, it seems, give support to the theory of evolution. Anyway, I digress. I’m supposed to be bagging the glasses. Are these sunglasses suppose to represent the size of your bank account or possibly your balls b/c they are appear to be pretty repulsive and not to mention, cumbersome to the everyday Joe. What has the world come to? We’ve resorted to stealing style from disabilities found in the blind & elderly. Very sad, indeed.

Great News For ManWhores & Chumps

In a recent study done by the Data Monitor, it was published that da ladies are drinking more than their usual share of booze @ bars & restaurants.

Restaurant Biz reports:

The other dynamic likely to raise and change the mix of on-premise beverage sales is an increase in the number of women who feel comfortable about drinking outside their homes. Data Monitor predicts that the consumption of alcoholic beverage by female consumers will jump 27% by 2009.

No joke, guys. 27% more. So if the typical hot girl is downing 3 shots on Thursdays this month, she’ll be jumpin’ up to nearly 4 shots by October, 2009! Nothing’s wrong with that, right? She has 5 years to build up tolerance to handle that extra shot, so no worries.

The article goes on to say:

“The feminization of alcohol has had the single biggest impact on the [on-premise] trade in the past 15 years, and has affected male drinking habits,” said Danielle Rebelo, a consumer-markets analyst for Data Monitor and author of the drink study, “Trends and Behaviors in the On-Trade 2004.” She attributes the sharp rise in drinking by women to changes in their earning power, relationships, and status.

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