Author Archives: Moe

Pamela Anderson: The 2nd Coming

Pam’s Boobs with Lady C
This photo is interesting. It really shows how tiny Christina is compared to a normal human being. Pam’s boobs are like half of Christina’s entire body! Who’s the odd one out?

I’ve always had very good penis karma. I used to say I’d never seen a small one, but recently, maybe I have. [Female First]

Obviously, change is all around Pamela Anderson. Apart from the small penises, Pam just released her first novel a few weeks back. Furthermore, she now reads the the Bible (no joke!), takes her two kids to church & manages to play soccer mom once school cuts out. Seriously. This is the same lady who had a sex tape floating around a few years back. If you think about it, she’s now aging (see photo above) & can no longer wholly rely on her beauty to get her places. The book explains it all. She is forced to rely on past sexual experiences to create future opportunities.

It was really therapeutic and humbling for me to go back and remember the events of my life. It was interesting writing the sex scenes. It’s so similar to my life that people are going to go, ‘Wait a second!’ [Sky Showbiz]

This happens all the time in Showbiz & it’s truly tragic, but I think Pams can pull through. She has the personality & the desire to change, but we’ll assess her progress in a couple years. Although one thing’s for sure, Pam’s obviously trying a little harder than Tommy Lee (don’t blame him for his gifted anatomical advantages—Bastaaard!).

On top of all this, Pamela was rewarded with 2 BOYS! That pretty much sucks, man. Why would God be so cruel as to give a Playboy bunny & inventor of the illusive sex-tape TWO BOYS?! With all this in hand, the main hurdles for Pamela in the coming years include:
1. Teaching her boys how to sparingly use their personal light sabres inside their pants
2. Keeping her boys away from naked photos of herself
3. Keeping her boys away from her sex videos with Tommy Lee (and others not yet released)
4. Explaining to her kids why she has changed
5. Keeping her boys’ friends from staring at her boobs
6. Keeping her kids’ friends’ fathers from “chaperoning” sleepovers at her house.

God have mercy on Pamela Anderson.

The S Factor: Strip & Tone!

Sheila Kelley
Meet the owner: Sheila Kelley

Teri Hatcher talked about, so I was compelled to dig a little deeper. The question at hand: What is the S Factor?

…a groundbreaking movement technique that will help you find a great new way to workout and an inspiring body attitude. The S Factor promises to empower, enlighten and change the lives of women everywhere!

Raaaaeeeeeat. To put it in simple English: Stripper 101, baby! For guys looking to get their women gifts this holiday season, I suggest you go for the 8 week curriculum which runs around $400. This is a long-term investment, alright. If you do the math, 400 bones works out to around 13 Vegas lap dances (avg price @ $30 a pop; doesn’t include cover). Now, just think about it! It will cost you ONLY 13 lap dances to unlock the door to infinite lap dances over the course of your lifetime. These days you come home from a long, hard day of robotic work to your couch and your remote control. But now, following this small investment, you can come home to your very own stripper in the privacy of your very own living room! My God! Ok-ok, it doesn’t hurt to fantasize a little, right?

If you do think about it, this $800 investment could end up biting you in the ass, too. You see, your woman could learn the moves of The Stripper & possibly upgrade your ass to someone she’s been wantin’ to sleep with for a longtime. The Man-Upgrade is a direct result of her newly discovered S Factor advantage over other fishies in the pool. So make sure you’re in a well-committed & financially stable relationship b/c I don’t want angry emails coming to me in June, 2005!

Some interesting lines from the site…

The movement we teach is intimate, beautiful and strenuous. We ask for complete confidentiality from all of our students. What happens in the class stays in the class.

Simple. There is none required. Some women take nothing off. Some women strip to their g-string. I don’t want anyone to strip beyond the g. My motto is: Do only what you feel comfortable with. The class is about introducing you to a unique and empowering workout that will change your life. It’s not about nudity.

Nudity is saved for home, baby.

What are the materials that will be required?
1. Stripping shorts (Ow! Yeah, baby!)
2. Dancer’s thong/g-string (Ow!)
3. Push-up bra (Not if you opt for the plastic surgery option)
4. T-shirt or short dress From your own closet
5. 6 inch platform heels — yes, six inch!!! (Oh God have mercy!)

Few last selling points. This could open doors and turn your living room into this. Jackson, I don’t mean orgies, alright! Now run along kids. Go and figure out a nice stripper name for your woman! Good luck, my friends!

Angelina Jolie's Esquire Layout!

Angelina Jolie - Esquire Cover

Upon breaking up with Angelina, Billy Bob apparently said, “I was afraid of her. She was too beautiful, too smart. She had too much integrity. I felt small next to her.” Yes, it sucks that it had to come down to those sad-sad words. We feel for you, man. Well, in a recent Reader’s Digest interview, Angelina responded to those comments.

I am not very settled. The positive side of that is I’m on fire all the time, to try anything. The negative side is there isn’t a lot of time for me to sit and watcha movie and hold hands. I tent to not be inside my relationships. I tend to be more focused on the world. It takes a certain kind of man to love those things.

Once again, as long as you cover airfare, I’ll be that man!

Britney's Zit Prerogative

Oh My God!
That can’t be her!

Who wants to pop Britney’s Zits (apart from Kevin Federline’s Penis)? Ok-ok, that penis comment was just out of line!

World Entertainment News reports:

Britney Spears has reportedly used a two-year-old photograph on the cover of her new greatest hits album – because she’s unhappy with the way she looks now. According to sources, Spears’ head was airbrushed over an old body shot for the front of her Greatest Hits: My Prerogative CD. But she’s still not happy with the result. She is quoted in British magazine New! saying, “I look like a porn star. And why the blonde hair? I am so over being blonde.”

Britney, just don’t resort to bloody plastic surgery b/c I don’t want to see your messed up face on the cover of every Tab while I’m buying milk!!

This post …

is pretty much about nothing. I am trying to fill space so every time I come to the site I don’t have to see that scary picture. Geez Moe!!! My god, I can’t look at it anymore. So I have decided to give some culture to the many readers of Bastardly (more importantly to save myself from viewing that god awful picture). Below is a picture of the Floating Market in Thailand. Its famous! You get on a boat and buy shit from other boats.

Michael Jackson's Suicidal Tendencies

Michael Jackson’s Mask
Buy the mask & steal candy from little boys! I’m kidding!!

Michael ain’t going to jail, he’s going to commit suicide first. [contactmusic]

I can’t tell whether that was a death threat or what, but at least now we have a suspect if Michael does die? That was Jermaine, one of Michael’s money thirsty brothers, spilling those words of encouragement to The Sun. It’s truly tragic to see what the media, the judicial system and bastard parents of innocent kids have done to the man who created one of the greatest albums in the history of music (Bad)! They have taken the life of a man who knows only how to give love (even though at times he goes about it strangely). So, a big fuck you from all of us here to those evildoers mentioned above (Eminem, inclusive).

I Will Marry This Man.

This is yet one of my exciting crush of the week posts. Never in my life have I met a man on TV that has made me feel all the things this man has made me feel. Jon Stewart is my GOD. There is just something about an informed man. A witty man. A hot and sexy yet distinguished man. A man that, yes looks good in those goddamn suits. I’m really not into the suit thing .. but geez that man does it. As I have mentioned the list before … Jon Stewart is DEFINITELY on that elite list of 5 men that rule my world. (If you are keeping tabs … Johnny Depp is also on that list)

If you don’t know who this man is… you should seriously crawl in a hole and die a very slow death. He is the epitome of patriotism, the man who is working for us all. I watch the Daily Show on Comedy Central everyday. He just makes me laugh. I love him.

Please watch this clip of Jon Stewart on CNN It will change your life. It changed mine.

Rachel Perry On The Howard Stern Show

Have you guys seen this girl? She reminds me a bit of Gisele, except she’s not as supermodely (if that makes any sense). She’s a freaky VJ on VH1. By the way, does anyone watch that channel anymore?

Well, Rachel was recently on the show pluggin’ away a MAXIM Swimsuit (a.k.a. skimpy bikini) DVD. I don’t know, but she came off a little fake to me. Kind of kissing up, but at the same time you knew she didn’t like the whole dirty aura of the show. Anyway, seeing as to how Ms. Perry was there for the DVD about chicks in bikinis, Howard naturally asked her to try on one from his collection. She used every excuse in the book. He gave up. Then he asked her to try on a funky Irish school girl outfit. Hilarious, I tell you. She refused on this as well. Rachel, my sistah! A little skin here and there is harmless, baby! Plus, it’ll help sell DVDs.

Ok, here’s what she was sporting the day of her interview. Side note: this girl is tattooed up! Check out her back.

Rachel Perry
Those are wings, right?

Angelina – Esquire's Most Beautiful & Sexy Alcoholic!

God have mercy on that small bottle of booze! (Is that tequila?)

Ok so this has been known for a week or so now, but I was waiting for the perfect photo to make this post a reality. In the latest edition of Esquire Mag, you’ll see a beautiful layout of Angelina, along with an interview. I’m gonna get pics up from the mag later, but for the meantime, below are a few lines from the interview to drive you craaazaay.

The tattoos, the blood, cutting myself – it’s all very much who I am. If you knew me privately, you might think I was even wilder than my reputation. But I’m also much softer. I’m a soft woman. Softer than people think.

Can I feel just how soft you are? …Pretty please?

If you ask people what they’ve always wanted to do, most people haven’t done it. That breaks my heart.

You hear that, everyone?! We are young! Rise up!

The media reports things in certain ways. They know exactly what they’re doing. Like in Darfur, Sudan, they say that the violence is Arabs against blacks. You read this and you get a certain picture in your mind. But the truth is, on both sides, the people all look exactly the same! Most people don’t realize this. It’s significant.

Those bastards!

For a while there I started to experiment a little with g forces; I got a little g-force happy. I did it with Madd in the plane the other day. And his little face turned red and he couldn’t stop laughing.

I’m telling you, the little bugger won the Adoption Mega Lottery! Go Madd!

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