Author Archives: Moe

Hero

I don’t remember if I had written something about this or not … but I’ll just do it again. IF you liked Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon you will LOVE Hero. This movie is positively mesmerizing (if you can watch a movie and read sub-titles at the same time). THE BEST color schemes and art direction EVER! The fight scenes were pretty sick too. I think it has something for everyone. Jet Li played the Hero perfectly. Trust me, you don’t want to wait for this one on video. You need to watch Hero on the big screen with THX man. I give this movie 5 gold stars baby!!!!

Sick Bastard: Robert Domansky

Bloody Bastard

Robert Domansky (a.k.a. Kelly Dawn Hullengaugh) is quite possibly stranger than Michael Jackson. I mean it. I’ll quote the Miluakee Journal Sentinel:

Police believe Domansky, 48, changed his name after becoming fixated on Hullengaugh – a former high school cheerleader who has since been married, divorced and has a different last name.

He uses the woman’s name on his driver’s license and has tattoos depicting her name and picture, Seranko said.

Seriously, man. Since it’s the 2000s, I guess it’s alright if you’re a transvestite, but to be a 48 year old human being who not only stalks pubesant cheerleaders, but has photos of himself in cheerleading outfits is pretty damn outrageous, alright. It’s a waste of life.

It’s funny how his career as a stalker ended, too. Once again, I resort to swiping,

Police arrested Hullenbaugh, who dresses as a woman, on Sept. 3 after he allegedly entered the Greensburg Salem High School locker room, claiming he was a cheerleading coach there to learn new routines. [AP via Observer-Reporter]

Thankfully, Robert/Kelly is not one of the shrewdest of cheerleader-dressing-&-stalkering-transvestites out there. The truly sad thing: he’ll probably be out in a few years.

Ronald McDonald vs. Paris Hilton

Paris v. Ronnie

Maybe the occasional trip to the Kabbalah Centre is working for Paris…

Yes, my friends, a clown created to sell burgers to little kids will soon be in direct competition with none other than Ms. Paris Hilton. Marketing geniuses have done it again—or maybe Paris has done the right marketing genius. Either way, the idea is simple: Have an 80lb reality TV show star slash porn star slash guess? model slash millionaire hotel heiress sell heart disease pills to you. Reportedly the deal is worth upwards of $750k (around 8% of her networth, so it’s obviously inticing for her) & not to mention, allows Paris to feature her own music in the commercial. Since when is Paris writing, designing & singing?! The world is truly coming to an end. Anyway, since Burger King has been buried in heavy losses over the years, I guess taking huge gambles on a slutty, famous face is well worth the odds. As we’ve learned in the recent past, burgers, sluttiness & sex sell!

Once again, Paris’ rise to fame is well on track, while Britney’s divorce & downfall are both looking to be on track, as well. Eye for an eye, baby.

Rebuilding Of A Dynasty

Quasi Starting Line up

What a difference a year makes.

Shit Fox was traded away. Thank God. L.A. & the Lakers will be 300x better without that womanizing-son-of-a-bitch.

Rough Sex Kobe is still there (even though I thought the Lakers would throw him out for cheating on his hot wife). Vlade is back, baby. Chick Hearn (peace be upon him) would love to commentate games w/ the V-man. Odoms is solid, of course. I smile at when I look at the team—except for the fact that Kobe might screw it all up by creating drama or hogging the ball.

Like anything in the world, the Lakers are cyclical. But since they are a special breed, they tend to be quicker in coming out of their slumps (comparable to, say, the Bulls, Celtics, etc, etc).

I feel like they need to dump Malolde & get some fresh blood in only because they are in a crucial rebuilding stage. Let’s face it, you don’t build a strong castle with old stones. Everyone knows that, alright. You must think more long-term than simply one bloody ring & stop playing games w/ the team’s future. Malolde came onto the team specifically to play in the big game, but the big game is now over & the Lakers lost. The Lakers didn’t only (miserably) lose the championship, but they also lost their Bastard Coach (Greedy Phil Jackson), their center (Son of a Bitch Shaq), & The Awesome Derek Fisher (how the hell could they lose him?!). So Mr. Malolde, the team you initially signed up to play with is no more, so you should be as well. That’s that.

Once they manage to feed Malolde with enough cash & perks, he will naturally resign, so then the problem of replacing him arises. But with who….?

To be continued, my brothas…

Crush of a Lifetime

I have decided to feature the one and only ….

Yes ladies and gentlemen. Mr. Johnny Depp. For as long as I’ve been a woman (I hit pueberty around 10) I’ve been absolutely enamoured by this amazing gift god has bestowed upon us. Although he is at the ripe age of 41 … my god he still does it to me. Whewwwww …. HOTTT!

Ghetto-Fabulous Office!

Is it just me or does Corporate America love to secretly rape its employees while they’re looking the other way.

Yesterday, I was sweating like I had just played 4 hours of basketball. Today, my head is pounding. Usually my office is a nice & painful 90 degrees, but today it’s a cool 80 degrees with the help of my trusty mini desk fan. But the real culprit for the headache is not the heat, but all the paint that sits behind my rathole. I swear to God, they couldn’t have scheduled a better time (uh, like the weekend) to paint the entire back wall.

It’s horrible having to wake my ass up in the morning & come to a rathole that sits in the middle of a construction site. Bastards! My bosses? They roll into work in their army of S500s & 745s around 11 & enjoy the comfort of their air-conditioned offices and $5000 leather chairs—only to leave after lunch.

Once again: Where’s the love, my brothas!?!

Bin Laden Takes Bush & Wants Kerry

Bin laden Votes for Kerry

Apparently The Most Evil Man On Earth responsible for all the hate and madness that’s currently floating around wants Kerry to win (revealed in one of those shady Al Qaeda Press Conferences shot in the Super Secret Cave that no can seem to find anywhere on Earth). That’s not the true scandal, my friends. It was recently uncovered that Bin Laden is secretly sleeping with Bush on the side (pretty gross photo, so be wary)! We all knew the Bin Ladens were sleeping with the Bushes long before this photo, but who the hell knew it was USAMA Bin Laden? Can you believe this guy?! What a slutty Terrorist!

Insured Body Parts

Ow! $3m lips

Capitalism has gone to yet another low: body part insurance industry. I heard about J.Lo’s ass being insured, but I never knew the beauties were insured for bloody $1 billion. What kind of premiums does that involve anyway? Let’s face it, only a stupid entertainer would make such payments! Seriously. What the hell has to happen to her ass so that she’ll get the billion?? The ass is in such a place on the body that for it to come off the body could be fatal (and pretty damn gross). I’m guessing Jenny has to suffer such an injury where her ass will become unshakable and therefore become useless in pullin’ in the bucks. This is why I’d love to get my hands on the fine-print for this policy. It would be pure comedy. Irregardless of J.Lo’s ass detaching itself from her body, a billon dollar payoff could take an insurance company down under.

Anyway, here are some other stupid people:

-Heidi Klum’s Legs for a cool 1.1 million pounds. She’s old news already.

-Dolly Parton’s (of all women) OLD, wrinkled up boobs for $600,000. Who the hell set this price?!

-Claudia Schiffer’s face is worth $5mil. Is she waiting for some kind of freak accident to stop the premium payments b/c she’s old news as well.

I’m still contemplating what the hell I’d insure…

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