Author Archives: Moe

Team America. Starring…Kim Jong Il!

Kim Jong Il, baby
Fear me, beeetches!

This one’s gonna be a classic. I know classics when I see them, baby. Pootie Tang. Soul Plane. All classics! Just days before the nationwide release of Team America: World Police, the bastards at the MPAA slapped the movie with an R-rating! I guess kids will just have to sneak into this one. On the bright side of things, this rating is much better than what the agency had initially planned.

The film first drew a proposed adults-only rating of NC-17, which bars admission to anyone aged 17 or younger in the United States. The filmmakers then fought for the R rating, which allows admission to 17-year-olds and permits younger children to see the film if accompanied by a parent or guardian. [Swiped from Xinhuanet]

Another funny thing I read:

The original plan for this movie, as revealed by Matt Stone in “Variety”, was for it to be a scene-by-scene remake of The Day After Tomorrow (the script of which they were given before filming started) using marionettes, and then theatrically release it on the same day (May 28th, 2004). “We thought would have been hilarious but our lawyer convinced us we wouldn’t get it released.” [Yahoo]

That would have been so fucking funny!

Dead Zebras & Giraffes @ The Rafah Zoo

Yes, my peoples. As it is useless reporting on the number of people dying in the region, it might be more effective to report that cute, little animals are also being raped & ravaged by armored bulldozers & high-tech missiles.

I searched for “Rafah Zoo” on Google & it returned a post from a “Rafah Reports” group on MSN. In that post, there’s a somewhat humorous & equally sad exchange between a reporter & an IDF spokesman:

There had been almost no return fire. Then I asked about the zoo. We had stumbled across a mob of shrieking children hurtling down the street after what at first looked like a puppet on a stick. After a double-take, I realised it was the neck of an ostrich. Then we visited Rafah’s little zoo and saw that it had been trashed. Another ostrich was missing and a third had died, probably from exhaustion. A small boy turned up with a peacock under his arm. The zoo’s wallaby was rescued by a photographer. Alarmingly, a python was still at large.

The Bastardly: P Diddy Gets Played!

Puff Daddy
All brothas are standing tall & proud today. Not because Puff is payin’ child support like millions of other brothas, but because Puffy is officially paying the highest amount of child support in the richest country on planet Earth! Dude, think of how many more hot women will be dying to sleep with Puff now that he sports the Child Support Crown. Go Puff!

What exactly does he have to pay? A cool $35,000 a month, my friends.

The ruling is based on Combs’ yearly income of almost $50 million dollars. Additionally, Combs must pay more than $398,000 in retroactive support and all medical, dental and educational expenses for Justin.

Like any other rich, greedy bastard out there, Puffy is no exception. Even though he’s rakin’ in a comfortable $50mil a year, he wants to save a few pennies.

Combs’ lawyer labeled the decision a “gross abuse of discretion by the court,” and vowed to appeal the case.

Last month Combs spoke about Brim and questioned her motivations for requesting an increase in her child support. [via All Hip Hop]

Haha. I admit, $35k is a little more than a tip-top fashion stylist, Misa Brim, will need to raise little Justin. Then again, what if Justy wants to hit up Disney World in Europe or wants to surprise mommy with diamonds every month? You’re gonna need a little more than $35k for that, judge. I say negotiate a little with Puff by settling on $50k only if Puff will never wear one of those annoying XXXXX-large “VOTE OR DIE” T-shirts.

Scottie Pippen: Gone After 17 Years!

Yep, he’s gone! I just want to say that Scottie Pippen taught me the behind-the-back pass & the Sneaky, Indian Cobra lay-up that some people think is traveling. You bitter losers. Just because you get burned doesn’t mean it’s bloody traveling, a’right!

It’s too bad he had to play under Michael Jordan for a good part of his career b/c Scottie is quite possibly one of the most unappreciated guys to ever play the game (next to Maqmoud Abul Rauf!). I know the championships made up for it, though! Now that he’s in retirement, let’s just hope he stays away from da drugs & that dirty Michael Jordan!

This is kind of off-topic & random, but have you guys heard of the rumor where Michael Jordan goes to Santa Barbara (home of his basketball camp) & has mad sex with all the hot UCSB girls? How’s that for a rumor!

My Sad Season Pass List

Because I am completely disgusted with TV programming these days … I am writing to get help. TV is my best friend … and well right now hes not being that great of a friend. I have nothing to watch. Its absolutely pittiful I tell you. So, I am going to share my season pass list with all of you … in hopes of finding new shows to watch that will fill my head with new and improved nonsense.

The Bastardly: Billy & Kate Joel, Kevin Federline

I don’t know if Billy Joel is lucky or if he’s sick in the mind. I guess I’ll know for sure when I turn 55 & have desires to have wild, western sex with a 23-year old. Let’s just pretend he’s lucky. Before I continue, let’s calculate something sick: when Billy Joel was 25 years old & makin’ his hits, Kate’s parents were still more than a year away from that special night when Kate Lee was conceived. Does that even qualify as rockin’ the cradle?! Lucky bastard!

Anyway, as I write this, Billy Joel is probably poppin’ a few viagra pills & jumping into bed w/ Kate Lee for the 10th time as they fly around the world & have sex in various famous cities. You go girl! We all know that Billy Joel makes horrible music & runs a small record company by the name of COLUMBIA [fucking] HOUSE, but what does his new bird do? The AP reports,

Kate Lee, a native of Huntington, W.Va., recently graduated from Ohio’s Miami University and works as a restaurant correspondent for the PBS show “George Hirsch: Living It Up!”

Uhh…let me guess, she’s going into early retirement?

Now for another lucky bastard: Kevin Federline. Apparently he takes loans to financially participate in his new life with $100m (a.k.a. Mrs. Federline). Britney was heard saying,

Kevin pays his own way and I wouldn’t have it any other way

Raaaaaeeeat! And you don’t smoke 3 packs a day while munching on Cheetos, right? So let’s assume the lucky guy pays just 5% of all the shit—actually let me restate that. Let’s assume the luck man takes out loans to cover 5% of all the shit, so much debt does he currently have?

SNL: Ben Afleck, Weekend Update & Amy Poehler

Ben Affleck

I didn’t watch it all mainly because I forgot to TiVO it, but I saw a clip off the website.

Let’s take it from the top. Ben Affleck’s bit on Weekend Update was pretty sad. Seriously, man. Are they even trying to be funny anymore? Plus, BEN AFFLECK?!! Other people who would’ve done far better for an opener:

1. Paris Hilton – As we know she wouldn’t turn down to be in front of the camera
2. Britney Spears – She might have been busy, but a dual guest would’ve worked!
3. Anyone, BUT Affleck!

Weekend Update – They should trash the entire segment. Either they spend millions to find someone super hot & funny or don’t even bother with the two women deal. It’s just not workin’, yo.

Amy Poehler
– Going back to the first one, their writers suck fat ass!

Possible Remedies

1. Fire the writers. Fuck! Did you hear that hashish joke that Amy bombed?! It just makes the people look bad.
2. Go to reality TV business & hold a national vote each show & eventually kick out one cast member each month. By the end of the season, they’ll be forced to start with a semi-fresh cast the next season. It’s a painful (and somewhat exciting) resolution, but it must be done!

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