Author Archives: Moe

The Tragedy of Kobe Bryant

Vanessa Laine reacts:“I know that my husband has made a mistake — the mistake of adultery.

He and I will have to deal with that within our marriage, and we will do so. He is not a criminal. I know that he did not commit a crime & he did not assault anyone except me, but I will have the last laugh!

He is a loving and kind husband and father. I believe in his innocence.”

Translation of a smart woman’s (Vanessa Laine) reaction: “My fucking husband is a lying, cheating bastard who committed the biggest sin: Adultery. He will pay in hell, but first, he will pay (me) on earth.

He will pay for this & I will make him pay for this within our marriage. Mark my words, he will pay. He is not a criminal, ok. He is just a lying bastard. I know that he did not commit a crime & he did not assault anyone except me, but I will have the last laugh! He is a rich NBA player with millions of dollars today and millions more to be earned tomorrow. He knows he cheated & the entire world knows he cheated, but that doesn’t mean he enjoys rough sex! Cheating & rough sex have no correlation. Money & Diamonds do.

First & foremost, he is rich NBA player who has millions in the bank. On the side, he’s also a rich father & husband who has millions in the bank. I will wring him of every damn Karat he can afford. I do not need to believe he has millions in the bank. I know he does.”

ok-ok, I’m being a little mean.

As we all know, Kobe & Vanessa Laine share the most awkward relationship that is bound to be over within the next 5 years (or until Vanessa gets bored of juicing Kobe of his money). Kobe committed one of the worst acts while in wedlock, yet Vanessa Laine remains unflinchingly loyal. Confused? Is it just me or is our society really fucked up @ times. Whatever it is, it’s pure comedy. Here are some photos snapped recently in L.A…

Before we get to the photos, a heartfelt letter to ball-hog Kobe.

Lame Ducks #5

Well, I’m jetting off to the nation’s capitol for the weekend in about an hour. I have two objectives: visit a couple old friends & of course, indulge in the D.C. nightlife. Although, I hope this new security alert does not hamper my trip in any fashion. For fear of time consuming searches @ the airport, I’m checking in my little backpack, wearing slippers and carrying the absolute minimum (my digicam for those Kodak moments, my wallet & of course, my proof of citizenship…just in case!)

Now, here’s a photo of a girl/woman who appears to have an abnormally large head.

What in God’s name....?!?

Ok, I’m going into nerd mode, so some of you will not understand me…If any of you’ve ever played Midway’s NBA Jam, do you remember the big head code where upon activation of the code, all characters would have small bodies & exceptionally large heads? Well, this chick/woman brings back some classic memories. Thank you Nickelodeon & chick/woman with a big head.

Now for some lame links.

Be wary of this link. Hint: It’s got a picture of one of the contestants from the Miss Plastic Surgery Pageant. When I recommend plastic surgery for women whom I rate, I do not intend for them to take it this far! God damn, people! [Socialites Life]

I don’t know about Jackson, but I haven’t been fortunate enough to gain access to the VIP room of a strip club. That’s why ‘Confessions of a Stripper’ by Lacey Lane sounds interesting enough to skim through, at least. [Las Vegas City Life]

Here’s an article on a really old man with more than his share of tats. I think he has more tats than teeth. No joke. [CityRag]

Marilyn Monroe had a lesbian affair?! Good God. Apparently secret tapes have surfaced that reveal Marilyn had a Lesbian experience, but apparently didn’t enjoy it (sure she didn’t). Who cares if she enjoyed it or not, is it on Kaaza yet or what?! [Ananova]

Carmen Electra is going crazy. She’s going against the trend now & thinking of getting a breast reduction. And all this time I was under the impression that she had perfect breasts. Carmen please email for consultation b/c reverse breast augmentation (a.k.a. breast reduction) can take a tremendous toll on one’s rating—we’re talking in the realm of multiple points, people. [iafrica.com]

Lastly, new research suggests that diets high in carbs may raise the risk of breast cancer. Women in Mexico who ate a lot of carbohydrates were more than twice as likely to get breast cancer than those who ate less starch and sugar, according to a study funded by the U.S. Girls & men with manboobs be wary! [American Institute of Cancer Research]

Ratings: Natalie Martinez

Be wary of her beauty.

The Stats:

+ 6.25

+ 1.5 for being Cuban

– 0.75 for being so damn young

+ 0.5 future potential
_____________________
= 8.50 (yes, she ranks above Alba, boys & Girls)

Before I begin, let’s pray to god that Natalie’s mother has a long and happy life. Why involve Natalie’s Mommy in my overly superficial review of Natalie herself? Well, apart from giving birth to Nat, Mommy Martinez is to thank for treating the world to the Natalie-Eye-Candy we so much enjoy on various billboards, magazines, & those strolls through Macys (she’s the J-Lo spokeswoman). To put it simply, Natalie auditioned for J-Lo’s spokeswoman search upon her mom’s request. So: Muchas gracias, Senorita Martinez (that’s in my thick, deep Spanish).

God ‘O Mighty, when I saw this girl, I was thrown aback at first & then upon getting a hold of myself, I asked one question: “Is this girl Indian or Spanish?” I soon learned she’s Cuban. Yes, Cuban. As we all know, supply of Cubans is already pretty low, so naturally when a Cuban Beauty is discovered, demand will be high. Simple economics, baby.

Lets go over the figure. This will be short as I cannot stare at her nearly-naked body @ work for too long without risking the Job-Axe meeting my neck. Here’s a full body shot for your eyes:

Lame Ducks #4

Schlotzsky’s filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. I always knew the funny name was going to get them one of these days. How can you ever plug a restaurant whose name you can’t even pronounce? [CNN]

Jackson, looks like we’ll have to hit up Thailand in 10 years after the terror level goes down a bit. Hooters recently revealed that the company will open up 3 locations in bloody Thailand! Just imagine what the employees will wear & look like…God have mercy![Hooters, Inc.]

Want to see all the faces involved in the Kobe trial? This site is kinda funny considering how much time this must have taken to compile. Everyone, cute & ugly are depicted. [Kobe News]

Want one of those fobby dolls for your dash? Well, you had your chance to get a Schwarzenegger doll w/ AK-47 & bandolier for $15.00, but not any more. The company that makes the dolls settled in a lawsuit with the Terminator & is no longer permitted to make the dolls w/ the special effects. Although, you can grab it for a small premium on EBay. [Corante]

Kids These Days…

European Kids...
I thought his teenie middle finger was kinda cute. But this little kid is more vicious than any lame baseball fan, that’s for sure.

Melissa, did you ever figure out how to post photos?! I don’t think we want Jackson to re-start the Crush of the Week w/ his own fobby, Asian super model crushes. That would not be pretty.

Bloody Nick Carter

After much snooping around, I found this photo of Nick Carter…
Bloody Nick

I looked at a lot of photos from this sequence taken August 11, 2004 of Mr. Carter exiting a 7/11 & have come to the conclusion that Paris Hilton was in fact punched at least once by Nicky Boy. The slaps probably ensued AFTER the initial punch (the same punch that carried the majority of Nick Carter’s pent up anger linked to the gay Tat he now carries on his wrist). This explains the gash on Paris’ lip. You can also see that lame tat everyone’s talking about too. This isn’t only lame, but also borderlines homosexuality. Are these two that immature?!?!!?

Nick, you are a sick-sick bastard!

3 Movies & A Beat Down

The last week has been rough. Real rough, I tell you. I fell so damn sick that I needed to have a 2 lb. bag of ice on my face to help contain my raging fever that was about to take my life. Thankfully, I’m still alive to make this worthless update.

With all my sickness, I had the chance to watch 3 flicks; two in the theatre & one in my living room. I am one of those people who simply cannot lie on my back for more than 2 hrs—unless of course I have some horrible disability (god forbid). Let’s just say the movies in the theater were a bad decision.

First for the flicks. Bourne Supremacy was a pretty sweet one, even though I had not read the books or watched the first movie. Although I must admit, I had a killer headache by the end of it (this headache was the culmination of 3 elements: my pathetic 3rd row seats, my impending sickness & the fucking director’s damn shaky hands when he filmed all 1:48 minutes of the film). Seriously, the action scenes were totally of the IMPLIED type. Take for example your typical Bourne Supremacy car chase. The only way you’ll know it’s a car chase is not because of the chase scene that lasts around 10 minutes, but because of the two stationary cars you see in the first 10 seconds of the scene BEFORE the cars start their chase routine. The rest of the 9:50 seconds was just the camera man playing hot potato with the bloody camera b/c only God knows what was going on. So yes, by the end of the movie, my neck, eyes & head were in great pain. It’s possible this is why the movie is only about to break even after earning around $98mil as of last Sunday. I’m sure it will go on to make millions more.

Anchorman came next. It was a’right. That Rick guy could have been omitted from the movie. I didn’t know if I had lost my sense of humor or if simply the guy wasn’t funny? I’m hoping for the latter. BUT, I have to admit that there were specific parts of the movie that were damn hilarious—especially the scene in which Will Ferrell had a hard on when he was asking her out. Also, the Achormen fight scene was crazy! Haha. Classic, I swear. I have a sick sense of humor, ok.

Tupac: Resurrection. By far, this was the most educational of the three. I was more than impressed at the amount of shit I didn’t know about the man. It’s too bad I was in lala land when this movie released in the theaters. We all know that Tupac Shakur was (is?) the man, but his great Theory of Thug Life has one flaw (in my opinion): the choice of the word, ‘Thug.’ I was thinking about it and I concluded that if he chose a word that was more socially acceptable, today, he would be hailed a hero in all areas of society from gangsta to politics. But then again, Thug Life was not intended for the rich politicians (it would have helped his cause if they could relate to Thug Life too, though). It was intended for the underdogs of society, right? The beggars, homeless, the thieves, drug dealers, the pimps, hos, etc, etc. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s unfortunate that Tupac is misunderstood by the Jessie Jacksons & Al Sharptons of the world. They are all revolutionaries—just from different time periods.

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