Author Archives: Moe

Asslee "Please Retire" Simpson Attacking Movies

Asslee Simpson
Is it really worth putting that thing on a 70-foot screen?!

Shit! Her cocksucking, greedy bastard of a father is whoring his daughter to Hollywood now. Asslee, take our word for it:

1. Your daddy is a pimping bastard who should have his balls cut off. (Ok, maybe that’s a little too harsh)

2. You have no talent & should retire before all 400k copies of your album flood the used section @ music stores around the country. Uhhh…that gives you about 2 weeks! Ok, I’m gonna be nice now.

Ok, on to more important stuff. It was recently revealed that Ashlee Simpson already pullin’ a J-Lo & hitting up hollywood. Hmm, what could such a project involve? I’ll let her describe it & you be the judge:

The movie involves music and actors, and all that kind of stuff. I play an actor, and it’s basically about musicians trying to find their way. There’s a guy who gets too old to be a musician, and all of us become his fan club. So it’s going to be a great movie, it’s going to be really exciting. [via Female First]

The explanation was alright up until “There’s a guy…” Ass, you seriously gotta stop hittin’ those weefers before interviews. Take our word! QUIT while you’re slowly falling behind!!

Prisons With A Touch Of Martha

Martha Makeover

It’s been decided! Alderson Federal Prison is the lucky institution that will soon greet Martha Stewart! Poor lady. Seriously. After snooping around in attempt to find some juice, I found some secret documents being held for shareholders in a future press release. We’ve now put 2 and 2 together & finally figured out why Martha’s been so damn anxious to head to prison. Let’s take one of her statements out of context to help support our case,

I hope too that I will be able to begin serving my sentence in the very near future…[via Yahoo]

View the next page to see photos from a possible ad campaign launching for the redesign of boring, old Alderson prison.

Oh No! Kevin Federline In Heavy Debt!

Although, the brotha’s not worried! hmmm

Anyway, has Britney gone crazy or does she just think we’re all dumbass hicks (not that Kevin Federline is)? As I have stated, Kevin is a fucking genius to have hit the marriage jackpot with a $108m bombshell of a pop-princess! You go, boy! Here’s Brit screaming off to the press:

I am very annoyed with some reports speculating such [garbage] that I had to pay for the wedding myself and that I even had to buy my own ring.

“It’s simply so not true. Kevin took out a loan to contribute towards the wedding and so he could buy me my band. He insisted.

“It’s so hurtful when this kind of thing comes out. Kevin pays his own way and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Ok-ok, let’s give her the loan part. Great for Kevin & his morale, but why would any banker give a dancer a fucking loan?! I know I wouldn’t. BUT, there’s a minor detail the bankers took into consideration. This dirty dancin’ hick of a backup dancer is now married to Britney Spears who has royalties spewing out of her ass.

Brit, must we resort to speculating again?

Leo Uncaged: The Classic Hollywood Break Up

Gisele
(Yes, she’s damn hot in that photo)

Let’s try to dissect the recent Leonardo DiCaprio break-up with supermodel Gisele Bundchen.

Leo’s Side: Definitely not rocket science here, my friends. He’s 26 & she wanted him to propose. He pretty much didn’t say anything about marriage & just enjoyed her body & company while it lasted. He’s been with her for 4 years already, so I imagine he was getting tired of having the same long, sexy legs wrapped around him every night of the week. He’ll enjoy the single, heart-broken life for a few months until the next beauty steps into his love-trap. Let’s smile for Leo.

Gisele’s Side: She’s 24 & for some odd reason is dreaming of kids & marriage already. Don’t believe in this BS, alright. It’s only a front for “Let’s break up, already!” She’s doing this b/c she too wants to move the hell on & knows very well that Leo will not take such an extreme step as to propose to her boney, supermodel ass. How can we confirm this? Listen to her bastard friends who speak to the media:

Gisele, 24, who has been dating 26-year-old Leo for almost four years, has left the couple’s Los Angeles home and flown to New York where she is being “comforted” by actor Josh Hartnett, The Sun reports today.

Gisele got fed up waiting for Leo to pop the question and although she loves him she no longer sees him as the man she will marry,” a source told the newspaper. Gisele has found whole experience has been traumatic, the source went on to say.
[via Mega Star & Female First]

Josh Hartnett. See, if she was so much in love & ready to marry, what’s the fucking reason to have a safety net waiting in a bed across the country? Supermodels! They think they’re so damn smart! Bah.

Veronica Mars & Paris Hilton

Uhh…so what’s this show about again? Who really cares anyway, right? Paris Hilton will apparently be on the first episode, so you can expect 2 things: ratings to be high & Paris to be sporting her jewelry. Paris revealed a little about the deep character she’s set to play:

I think the character I am playing is the stereotype of me,” Paris tells ET. “She is snobby and rude and basically what people would think I am like, but I am not.

Raaaight! And Paris will now tell us that her eyes are naturally blue, her hair is naturally blonde & her nose is plastic surgery free.

Here’s another tragic revelation by Paris,

“I had my credit card stolen, my ATM stolen, my Social Security number stolen,” she says. “I was doing ‘Simple Life 1’ when someone broke into my mail and took my credit card. They were taking money from the ATM every day. I never found out who did it.” [via ET]

Every day, huh? Paris, by chance, did the thought of calling the bank cross your mind while your money was being stolen from you day after day?

Ben Afleck Hits Up Another Jenny

Jennifer Garner
It’s not his fault, ok. Jennifer Garner was his co-star in the shitty movie, Dare Devil (did anyone watch that, by the way?). One lunch lead to a dinner, the dinner led to coffee, and the coffee took a trip to Jenny’s tight jeans and the jeans & panties took a walk to Ben’s washing machine. As Jennifer stood half naked in Ben’s living room, what else was he to do except proceed with wild, crazy, western sex. Like I said, it’s not his fault. One of their friends on the inside recently leaked:

She’s a girl who throws herself totally into her work and keeps her relationships quiet. Jennifer isn’t clingy or drawn to the Hollywood limelight. She isn’t super demanding of Ben’s time, either. Jennifer’s also fine with Ben playing poker in Vegas for several days at a time… [Via Times of India]

I like the random bit at the end about poker. It’s almost like a prereq to date Ben Afleck or something. Well, you know how this goes: he’ll do another movie only to hookup again with his next co-star. 3 monther. Possibly 6 as they are a quiet couple and the breakup news might take 3 months to leak.

Go Ben! Rock the Hollywood ass while you’re still young, and then settle down Michael Dougy style once you hit 50 with a young bird who everyone wants in bed.

Jessica Simpson's Cheapo Boob Job

Jessica’s Boobs
Jessica, tsk tsk. I never understood how people could listen to her sing, but I guess if you put her on mute, it’s not all that bad, right? Well, some people also had her on mute and managed to notice her deformed boobs. Jessie, tell your dad not to eat up all the money you pull in. That bastard could’ve at least gotten you a decent surgeon to do your boobs, right?

You don’t have to look too carefully to notice that Jessica’s boobs are pretty f’d-up, to say the least. The left appears to have fallen victim to gravity when you compare it to its much rounder neighbor to the right. Seriously, did she temporarily go blind when her doc asked her, “So how do those look, Jessie?”

BRITNEY MAKES BABY PLANS

Pop superstar Britney Spears is planning on becoming a mom in 2005.
The singer, who wed dancer Kevin Federline on Saturday, insists she isn’t already with child, despite rumors to the contrary, but she does want to start a family in the near future.

In an exclusive post-wedding interview with People magazine, she says, “I can see us as parents. I can see myself as a mom. Next year at 23, I am so there.”

In marrying Federline, Spears has become a stepmom to the dancer’s 2-year-old daughter Kori and baby son Kaleb.

Brought to you by the Daily Dish.

Michael Jackson: Specimen #Freak

Michael Jackson
AIDS epidemic: Countless million strong.

Hungry: nearly 50% of India, 80% of Africa (guess) & others.

U.S. Poverty: 1.3m added to the previous number of poor.

Not what, but who does one of the top Universities in the world choose to study?! Bloody Michael Jackson!! Seriously. What’s the world coming to? Their main questions:

Is Michael Jackson black or white? A genius, eccentric or wacko? Straight, gay or merely effeminate?

Answers: 1. Once a Brotha, always a Brotha! 2. Eccentric Genius. 3. Effeminately Straight. See, now did that require 18 scholars & millions of dollars?!

Jackson’s changing image, particularly his lightened skin tone, smaller nose and straightened hair, have led to criticism of his racial identity. In addition, songs such as “Black or White” or the video for “Beat It,” which shows him breaking up a fight between a black and a white gang, have demonstrated his stance on racial prejudice.

Thanks to Zap 2 It & The Plain Reader

Apart from Yale obviously having way too much research dough in their coffers, Michael Jackson has his share of money, as well. He has probably donated more money to the poor & sick than any bastardly politician currently holding office.

It’s unfortunate that even the academic community has now sold-out & joined up with the paparazzi to hound The King of Pop. Leave the poor man alone, for God’s sake! He is merely a deformed, insecure product of our wonderful society!

Study the Olsen Twins, you superficial knowledge-whores!

D.C., Yo!

I’ve yet to go wrong with DC. In comparison to any other city in my travels (except, of course, my home village of Newadah, Bihar), DC has a lot to offer during the day before it’s time to put on that special, baby-blue shirt & dive into its eclectic nightlife.

When it comes to the nightlife, it’s all about Adam’s Morgan & particularly the Ghana Cafe, baby! [Quick review: The Ghana is a sweet little reggae bar/club where all the brothas enjoy the beats & the beauties shake their booties on the second floor.] Unfortunately, we were not physically prepared to hit up the Ghana (this time around). I seriously need to grow out my fro again, gain approximately 20-25 lbs & of course, con some beautiful, black woman to take me in as her man (the last two Ghana prereqs will be tough!) .

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