Author Archives: Moe

Ratings – Angelina Jolie

Dear Lord ’O Mighty!

The Stats:
+ 7.48 High raw score b/c she’s probably crazy in bed!

– 1.50 for having bad taste in sleeping w/ & wanting to be w/ bloody Val Kilmer!

+ 1.00 for launching the ‘I want to inject shit into my lips’ industry

+ 0.25 for possessing one great pair of lips.

+ 0.25 for being in the Forbes Top 10 Richest Celebs list w/ a cool $27mil stash

+ 0.15 for being a little on the crazy side (she has a fucking dragon tat on her back & just bought her 3 yr old son a mobile)

– 0.05 for being a little on the kooky side (more positive, than negative).

+ 1.00 UPDATE 10/2/04 – Angelina planning to lead a life w/out superficial stars. No fucking Val!

Total 8.58 — some flaws drag down the score.

First let me attack the figure…actually, I truly wish I could attack her figure in real life, but sadly, I’ll have to let my lame words do all the attacking. Nothing is wrong w/ the figure, of course (you’ll soon see her naturals exposed in Mr & Mrs Smith alongside Mr. Brad Pitt’s bare ass) except for all that is on the figure. Endless tats are to blame (she has a bloody tiger on her back, for God’s sake).

The obvious plus are her wonderful & much talked about…
Dear Lord!
I could go on for hours talking about these beauties, but I will just allow you to devour the photo rather than bore you with words.

Lame Ducks, No. 6

I strolled into my house from work today only to find a postcard adorned with four naked island-women inside a little, red boat sitting on the table. Thank you, Lindsay. I’ll make sure to return the favor by sending postcards w/ big island-hunks sporting abnormally large penises so that your family can have a little fun @ dinner.

Here’s a photo of the scandalous postcard, along w/ my UNUSED United Airlines ticket from my recent DC trip. They are both painful reminders: Postcard of how badly I need to vacation with 4 beautiful women who enjoy having no clothes on; The airline ticket of my stupidity & carelessness.

Anyway, enough of this bs, here are the lame links…

There’s a new magazine called YIN in town, boys & girls! A little fobby? Yes. But I think they might have an audience in the U.S…6 groups, to be specific:
1) You’ll read YIN, if you’re completely fobbed out & want to learn English while stayin’ true to your roots.
2) You’re a fobby, Asian horndog
3) Since it’s a fashion mag, all Japanese people by default will like YIN
4) Horny white men who like Asian food more than burgers & hot dogs.
5) You’re a horny, American-Asian (i.e. Jackson) who likes to sample all types of food
6) You’re homosexual and want to stay up-to-date on fashion trends
…I think that covers pretty much the entire population.

Oh, before I forget. Here’s the most fobbiest photo (2nd fobbiest) I could find from the mag launch party. Lastly, the chicks in this photo have the most potential, but they are nobodies, so it doesn’t count. Overall, I was pretty disappointed. I figured an Asian fashion magazine launch party would have countless beauties roaming around—apparently that was not the case! Bah! [Fashion Gates]

The weekly installment of the amazing Alan Abelson. Get updated on the economy & laugh a little in the process. The link will die out in 2 weeks, so don’t waste time! [Barrons]

Ok. Matt Damon has gone crazy. He wants to “make a character-driven porn movie. It’s all going to be about the character and the porn’s going to grow out of the characters.” I always knew he was a horny bastard! [Female First]

“The 15th-floor luxury apartment will have two huge bedrooms, two guest rooms and a home cinema after renovations.” That’s the $7.7 Meeeelyon dollar apartment the Olsen twins just bagged. I had to once sell my precious clay poker chips to make rent. Those bastards!! [TV New Zealand]

“Listening to music (47%), watching TV (42%), and playing sports (41%) came out as the most important activities teens do after school.” No wonder American kids are bloody fat & suffer from adult-onset diabetes! Read the national study released by Aramark Corporation. [Press Release]

S&M Princess To Wed Trousersnake!

Too hot/cold to handle!
Do you like it Hot or Cold?! Cammy likes both, baby!

Cammy & Justin seem to be falling into the trap of commitment. Just a couple months after Cameron spouted out to Us Weekly how she didn’t like the idea marriage (or something ot that effect), it’s been reported that she & Michael Jackson-wannabe, Justin ‘Trousersnake’ Timberlake, are protecting their personal assets w/ prenuptials. Yes girls, if you’re wondering, Justy dropped thousands @ Tiffany’s & then later dropped to propose. Once again, I don’t like the idea of marrying a woman who likes to ice her nipples while staring in S&M movies, as well as marrying a man (if I swung that way) who’s adorned with scandalous nickname of ‘Trousersnake’ throughout the worldwide club scene.

The UK’s fab tab, The Sun, claims this marriage will probably “be more like that of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, nice and discreet.” Ok, since The Sun is a world renowned tab known for it’s scandalous (my personal favorite) Page 3, we’ll let that comment slide. The truth of the matter is simply that this marriage will absolutely not be discreet, but it might be nice. Unless they perform the ceremony in their own living room, you can expect to see photos plastered all over the web (along w/ horrible commentary like this).

Now for the real issue on hand…Britney must feel a sharp sting on her growing chineck every time she picks up a tab now that Justin has bagged the ultimate treat in Cammy. For one thing, Brit has excessive amounts of acne—yes, very gross. Secondly, she already has bloody step children (or is that step child? Who really knows anyway, right?) ! Talk about a turn of fate! I have to admit, though, Justin has indeed pulled ahead—he’ll have especially pulled ahead when Britney gets her divorce later in 2005 (while she’s pregnant with Kev’s 10th child, mind you). We don’t like the Brit situation at all, but hey, she’s good at diggin’ her white-trash holes.

Now a hot photo of Cameron on the next page.

The Tragedy of Kobe Bryant

Vanessa Laine reacts:“I know that my husband has made a mistake — the mistake of adultery.

He and I will have to deal with that within our marriage, and we will do so. He is not a criminal. I know that he did not commit a crime & he did not assault anyone except me, but I will have the last laugh!

He is a loving and kind husband and father. I believe in his innocence.”

Translation of a smart woman’s (Vanessa Laine) reaction: “My fucking husband is a lying, cheating bastard who committed the biggest sin: Adultery. He will pay in hell, but first, he will pay (me) on earth.

He will pay for this & I will make him pay for this within our marriage. Mark my words, he will pay. He is not a criminal, ok. He is just a lying bastard. I know that he did not commit a crime & he did not assault anyone except me, but I will have the last laugh! He is a rich NBA player with millions of dollars today and millions more to be earned tomorrow. He knows he cheated & the entire world knows he cheated, but that doesn’t mean he enjoys rough sex! Cheating & rough sex have no correlation. Money & Diamonds do.

First & foremost, he is rich NBA player who has millions in the bank. On the side, he’s also a rich father & husband who has millions in the bank. I will wring him of every damn Karat he can afford. I do not need to believe he has millions in the bank. I know he does.”

ok-ok, I’m being a little mean.

As we all know, Kobe & Vanessa Laine share the most awkward relationship that is bound to be over within the next 5 years (or until Vanessa gets bored of juicing Kobe of his money). Kobe committed one of the worst acts while in wedlock, yet Vanessa Laine remains unflinchingly loyal. Confused? Is it just me or is our society really fucked up @ times. Whatever it is, it’s pure comedy. Here are some photos snapped recently in L.A…

Before we get to the photos, a heartfelt letter to ball-hog Kobe.

Lame Ducks #5

Well, I’m jetting off to the nation’s capitol for the weekend in about an hour. I have two objectives: visit a couple old friends & of course, indulge in the D.C. nightlife. Although, I hope this new security alert does not hamper my trip in any fashion. For fear of time consuming searches @ the airport, I’m checking in my little backpack, wearing slippers and carrying the absolute minimum (my digicam for those Kodak moments, my wallet & of course, my proof of citizenship…just in case!)

Now, here’s a photo of a girl/woman who appears to have an abnormally large head.

What in God’s name....?!?

Ok, I’m going into nerd mode, so some of you will not understand me…If any of you’ve ever played Midway’s NBA Jam, do you remember the big head code where upon activation of the code, all characters would have small bodies & exceptionally large heads? Well, this chick/woman brings back some classic memories. Thank you Nickelodeon & chick/woman with a big head.

Now for some lame links.

Be wary of this link. Hint: It’s got a picture of one of the contestants from the Miss Plastic Surgery Pageant. When I recommend plastic surgery for women whom I rate, I do not intend for them to take it this far! God damn, people! [Socialites Life]

I don’t know about Jackson, but I haven’t been fortunate enough to gain access to the VIP room of a strip club. That’s why ‘Confessions of a Stripper’ by Lacey Lane sounds interesting enough to skim through, at least. [Las Vegas City Life]

Here’s an article on a really old man with more than his share of tats. I think he has more tats than teeth. No joke. [CityRag]

Marilyn Monroe had a lesbian affair?! Good God. Apparently secret tapes have surfaced that reveal Marilyn had a Lesbian experience, but apparently didn’t enjoy it (sure she didn’t). Who cares if she enjoyed it or not, is it on Kaaza yet or what?! [Ananova]

Carmen Electra is going crazy. She’s going against the trend now & thinking of getting a breast reduction. And all this time I was under the impression that she had perfect breasts. Carmen please email for consultation b/c reverse breast augmentation (a.k.a. breast reduction) can take a tremendous toll on one’s rating—we’re talking in the realm of multiple points, people. []

Lastly, new research suggests that diets high in carbs may raise the risk of breast cancer. Women in Mexico who ate a lot of carbohydrates were more than twice as likely to get breast cancer than those who ate less starch and sugar, according to a study funded by the U.S. Girls & men with manboobs be wary! [American Institute of Cancer Research]

Ratings: Natalie Martinez

Be wary of her beauty.

The Stats:

+ 6.25

+ 1.5 for being Cuban

– 0.75 for being so damn young

+ 0.5 future potential
= 8.50 (yes, she ranks above Alba, boys & Girls)

Before I begin, let’s pray to god that Natalie’s mother has a long and happy life. Why involve Natalie’s Mommy in my overly superficial review of Natalie herself? Well, apart from giving birth to Nat, Mommy Martinez is to thank for treating the world to the Natalie-Eye-Candy we so much enjoy on various billboards, magazines, & those strolls through Macys (she’s the J-Lo spokeswoman). To put it simply, Natalie auditioned for J-Lo’s spokeswoman search upon her mom’s request. So: Muchas gracias, Senorita Martinez (that’s in my thick, deep Spanish).

God ‘O Mighty, when I saw this girl, I was thrown aback at first & then upon getting a hold of myself, I asked one question: “Is this girl Indian or Spanish?” I soon learned she’s Cuban. Yes, Cuban. As we all know, supply of Cubans is already pretty low, so naturally when a Cuban Beauty is discovered, demand will be high. Simple economics, baby.

Lets go over the figure. This will be short as I cannot stare at her nearly-naked body @ work for too long without risking the Job-Axe meeting my neck. Here’s a full body shot for your eyes:

Lame Ducks #4

Schlotzsky’s filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. I always knew the funny name was going to get them one of these days. How can you ever plug a restaurant whose name you can’t even pronounce? [CNN]

Jackson, looks like we’ll have to hit up Thailand in 10 years after the terror level goes down a bit. Hooters recently revealed that the company will open up 3 locations in bloody Thailand! Just imagine what the employees will wear & look like…God have mercy![Hooters, Inc.]

Want to see all the faces involved in the Kobe trial? This site is kinda funny considering how much time this must have taken to compile. Everyone, cute & ugly are depicted. [Kobe News]

Want one of those fobby dolls for your dash? Well, you had your chance to get a Schwarzenegger doll w/ AK-47 & bandolier for $15.00, but not any more. The company that makes the dolls settled in a lawsuit with the Terminator & is no longer permitted to make the dolls w/ the special effects. Although, you can grab it for a small premium on EBay. [Corante]

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