Category Archives: Movies

Team America. Starring…Kim Jong Il!

Kim Jong Il, baby
Fear me, beeetches!

This one’s gonna be a classic. I know classics when I see them, baby. Pootie Tang. Soul Plane. All classics! Just days before the nationwide release of Team America: World Police, the bastards at the MPAA slapped the movie with an R-rating! I guess kids will just have to sneak into this one. On the bright side of things, this rating is much better than what the agency had initially planned.

The film first drew a proposed adults-only rating of NC-17, which bars admission to anyone aged 17 or younger in the United States. The filmmakers then fought for the R rating, which allows admission to 17-year-olds and permits younger children to see the film if accompanied by a parent or guardian. [Swiped from Xinhuanet]

Another funny thing I read:

The original plan for this movie, as revealed by Matt Stone in “Variety”, was for it to be a scene-by-scene remake of The Day After Tomorrow (the script of which they were given before filming started) using marionettes, and then theatrically release it on the same day (May 28th, 2004). “We thought would have been hilarious but our lawyer convinced us we wouldn’t get it released.” [Yahoo]

That would have been so fucking funny!

Asslee "Please Retire" Simpson Attacking Movies

Asslee Simpson
Is it really worth putting that thing on a 70-foot screen?!

Shit! Her cocksucking, greedy bastard of a father is whoring his daughter to Hollywood now. Asslee, take our word for it:

1. Your daddy is a pimping bastard who should have his balls cut off. (Ok, maybe that’s a little too harsh)

2. You have no talent & should retire before all 400k copies of your album flood the used section @ music stores around the country. Uhhh…that gives you about 2 weeks! Ok, I’m gonna be nice now.

Ok, on to more important stuff. It was recently revealed that Ashlee Simpson already pullin’ a J-Lo & hitting up hollywood. Hmm, what could such a project involve? I’ll let her describe it & you be the judge:

The movie involves music and actors, and all that kind of stuff. I play an actor, and it’s basically about musicians trying to find their way. There’s a guy who gets too old to be a musician, and all of us become his fan club. So it’s going to be a great movie, it’s going to be really exciting. [via Female First]

The explanation was alright up until “There’s a guy…” Ass, you seriously gotta stop hittin’ those weefers before interviews. Take our word! QUIT while you’re slowly falling behind!!

50 First Dates, Baby!

Ula, baby!

Since I lead a sad & pathetically boring life, I was at home on a Saturday night cruisin’ w/ da Pay-Per-View.

50 First Dates: An absolutely hilarious movie. Actually, if I wanted to get technical, I’d say the first three-quarters was awesome, and the last quarter was a little on the sappy side of things, but whateva! Although, one thing is certain: Rob Schneider is the man! I could seriously watch him make fun of the Hawaiian culture all day. (Like I said, I’m sad.)

I had plans to see this badboy in the theatres, but things didn’t pan through & I ended up missing it. Considering I’ve seen only around 3 movies in the theatre all year, I’ve missed many flicks—that’s mostly b/c 90% of them suck ass & not worth my 11 bucks (medium popcorn w/ one-cup of butter included).

Things I learned:
1. The Walrus has the second largest penis of all mammals. I’ve been to Sea World so many damn times, but never really noticed (not that I will be looking next time I go, you bastards).
2. I might be suffering from short-term memory loss, too. I’m serious. My long term memory is sharp as a blade, but what did I eat for dinner? No fucking clue.
3. Drew Barrymore is actually kinda cute. I always thought she was chunky-monkey, but I guess she lost around 10-20 lbs for the movie or something. Ok, I’m being mean. Amazing rack in some of the scenes, to say the least. Go Drew!

Maddox Jolie: One Lucky Asian

Maddox & Angelina
Meet: Rath Vibol (a.k.a. Maddox Jolie)

This particular photo was taken @ the premiere of Shark Tale. Dude, I have a hunch that this lucky kid is going to grow up to be someone big in Hollywood. Think of how many Asian parents would first suffer a heart attack & then contemplate suicide if their kid walked in the house one day with not only a bleached mohawk, but also several tattoos. In the Jolie house, this will earn praise.

How do I get in line for adoption because I hear Angelina is back in the market? This time, some Russian kid is going to win the Adoption Mega Lottery. I’ll end with a classic Angelina quote on adoption:

I’m always in the process. I’ve kinda done all my paperwork in case that day comes.
Life inspires me, my son inspires me. I just want to live a very full life. [BBC]

Hero

I don’t remember if I had written something about this or not … but I’ll just do it again. IF you liked Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon you will LOVE Hero. This movie is positively mesmerizing (if you can watch a movie and read sub-titles at the same time). THE BEST color schemes and art direction EVER! The fight scenes were pretty sick too. I think it has something for everyone. Jet Li played the Hero perfectly. Trust me, you don’t want to wait for this one on video. You need to watch Hero on the big screen with THX man. I give this movie 5 gold stars baby!!!!

Æon Flux: Delayed!

Oh yeah, baby

For those of you kids who do not know, there’s an Æon Flux movie coming out staring the beautifully hot (is ‘beautifully hot’ even possible?) & sexy Charlize Theron! This is made to order for the western world, so I’m assuming it will be a crazy hit. Actually, it will be damn hard to replicate the toon with all its crazy characters & worlds, but anything’s possible in a post-Matrix era! Irregardless, the movie will be indefinitely delayed (minimum 6 weeks) due to injuries suffered by our Spicy Charlize. What kind of injuries? Well, Seattle Times overheard a Charlize rep saying,

“No cuts, no broken bones. I think it was something less tangible than that. … Something vague and nagging.”

Since when were we playing ‘guess the injury?!’ Shit. That is, by far, one of the most useless ‘updates’ on an injured entertainer, I’ve heard. This “representative” should be fired.

Anyway, moving on to a more nostalgic tone. God. I loved this show. Even though Æon (product of an Asian, Steve) was one of those shows where I watched almost every episode on MTV, but for some odd reason, I had no bloody clue what was going on. The plot was so beyond me. I just remember a really tall scientist in a long white-coat & an equally tall woman decked out in the skimpiest of lingerie running around in these completely screwed up worlds. I have faint images of them in incubators & at times injecting crap inside one another, so my mind tends to pick up the sick stuff, as you can see.

New Showgirls V.I.P. Edition DVD

Showgirls
Yes, boys & girls, it’s all true! If you missed out on the first Showgirls DVD release, you can grab the V.I.P. Edition!
Your Sinful Contents include:
-DVD Loaded with special features
-Set of Showgirls shot glasses – Good for those lonely nights.
-“Pin the pasties on the showgirl” game, with poster, pasties and blindfold
-Deck of Showgirls playing cards
-6 Photo cards with party games
-“The greatest movie ever made” a commentary by David Schmader, with video commentary on the strip-club dance scene
-LapDance Tutorial – Good for all you newbies
-“A Showgirl diary”
-Trivia Track
-Original theratrical trailer

DY-NA-MITE!!!

So I enjoyed a mellow friday night watching the amazingly funny movie called Napoleon Dynamite. I am a big fan of nerds, the minorities of the world, and AWESOME dance routines. This movie was just so funny. There was no plot, but it didn’t matter. You just sit there and laugh because you don’t know how else to react. This movie rocks.

Let nerd persecution END all over the world!!!!!

I LOVE NERDS!!!!

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