Category Archives: Babes

Eva's Chasin' The Light Saber Penis


Eva & Hayden in Cannes

Who was saying that Hayden Christensen is gay?

Actually, Hayden Christensen might just be gay (which is cool w/ us), but Eva Longoria still wants a piece whether he wants a piece of her or not. The lady doesn’t understand straight & gay concepts. She understands only the language of the Penis. In short, where there is a penis, there must also be Eva Longoria. The bottom line is simple: Eva’s a sexaholic beast of a woman, my friends. The lady is seriously on the balls of anyone whose name is NOT J.C. Chasez, but I guess just as long as J.C. doesn’t see her having sex w/ another dude, it’s all fair game, right?

J.C., we’ve said this before, but dude, smell the other items on the Latina menu & leave Eva to the rest of the male population on planet earth. You might end up catching some funky STD one of these days when you’re sitting on the porch twiddling your thumbs (waiting for NSYNC to make a comeback).

UPDATE: Thanks to NorCalGirl, we’ve learned that Hayden, similar to Tommie Cruise & Vinn Deisel, is still in the closet. It’s very understandly as the guy’s gotta keep up the heterosexual Darth image right now or G. Luke will eat his balls. [Socialitelife]

Paris Hilton Spreads Her Sexual Looove Overseas


It looks like he’s about to take a bite.

Surprise, surprise. She’s currently sleeping w/ some billionaire dude whose name is also Paris & now she’s whoring herself to a huge gladiator. The girl’s gotta keep her scandalous image, right?

Regardless, BJ recently wrote in with a link to JÖNTÃœRK with a few photos of Paris on a foreign television show in Turkey. Here’s an excerpt from his email:

Paris Hilton appeared live on Sunday on the popular
German entertainment show Wetten, dass…?, which was
filmed from the ancient Roman amphitheater of Aspendos
near the Mediterranean resort of Antalya in Turkey.

She stayed only 10 minutes on the show and got very
special attention from Ralf Moeller (one of the
Gladiator movie actors) to her boobs.

Head over to JÖNTÜRK & view all the photos. Please come back & give us a brief translation if you get a second!

Update: I’ve included a few especially juicy photos below.

Mischa Barton Features Her Single Booty. Ow!


Even though she’s madly overrated, I gotta give it up for Mischa’s fashion sense. This dress will drive any heterosexual man crazy & with her strolling around Cannes all alone, I’m sure some lucky bastard has gotten hold of that elusive All Access Panty Pass (AAPP). The AAPP comes only to the daring & lucky, my friends.

So yes, as I was saying, Mischa is a little lonely these days since her dumbass broke up with that billionaire chump—whatever his name was. Mischa, you are young & you’re stupidly valuing ‘true-love’ over the dough. Sistah, when you have a bottomless pit of money, you can love on the side while you’re doing movies.

They broke up after things began winding down and they started reevaluating their relationship [how the fuck do you reevaluate a relationship?!]. But it was Mischa who broke it off, for a few reasons: Brandon doesn’t have any real money of his own; it’s all his family’s. She wasn’t happy that Brandon didn’t have any of his own money, and that he’d have to go to his mother Nancy all the time for money. She thought it was ridiculous that a man would have to go to his mom each month for money. [Mischa’s Bastard Friend, Star Mag]

I still think she’s dumb. Oh well.

In support of Mischa falling in love on the side while having her sugar daddy living @ his mommy’s billion dollar mansion, here’s a case in point: She’s going to start a movie in bloody Italy w/ Star Wars pimpdaddy, Hayden Christensen. He’s 24, she’s 19, so I’m sure Darth will slap around Meesh w/ his light saber at least a couple times by the end of the production. For God’s sake, they’re doing a fucking romantic flick, so if Darth can’t get some action after a day full of make-out scenes with Meeshes, then he’s officially going to be booted from the dark side to the homo-side (which is cool by us, of course). That just increases the probability of Mischa landing one of us. Riiight.

On that sad note, here’s a pic of Mischa’s backside. If you look real closely, you might see a booty…

Eva Longoria's Tips To Cheating On Your Man

Along w/ the tips listed below on each photo, please keep in mind that you cannot bring the person you are ‘dating’ or sleeping with to any events where high-profile individuals will be present.

Eva skipped out on the Maxim Hot 100 List party—the same list she miraculously topped—to attend the film festival, so this lady definitely knows where the big money’s floating around. I bet w/ a dress like hers, she had a whole lineup of directors & producers coming in & out of her suite @ the Martinez. J.C., duuude, is the sex really worth putting your self-respect on the line? Get a hold of yourself, man.

Anyway, let’s run down a few presentational tips for those of you in the business of whoring yourself behind your man’s back. Ow!

Paulina Rubio….ON FIRE!!!!

Photos courtesy of Crossover Agency

Paulina Rubio….talented and successful Latin Pop Star, had an ultra-sexy video for her English language debut single “Don’t Say Goodbye”, and overall just a fine piece of Latina hotness that’s smokin!!! Our good friends over at Crossover Agency hooked us up with some hot pictures of Paulina as she is currently promoting her Pau-Latina tour. If you think she looks hot in these pics, imagine what the live show entails!!! Thanks to Daniela (who’s a hottie too!) for taking care of us here at Bastardly.

Jessica Alba's Nipples Make Cameo Appearance On Trippin'!

Oh. My. God.

I have it Tivo’d, so hopefully in the next week or so I’ll get around to finding the time needed to absorb J. Alba & her juicy hotness. From the captures, courtesy of Mr. Kitt 5000 (that’s only his online alias, Aaron Carter fans), this episode looks as if Trippin’ has peaked.

Just because I hate Kid Rock, I’ll also point out that I saw a clip of that bastard smoking a fucking cigar in the background while they were near some beautiful waterfall. What a dumbass hick. I wonder if Angry Cammie wanted to beat his ass down b/c his dirty, D-Town ass was polluting the wonderful atmosphere. I bet if Kid Rock was holding onto a fat Nikon camera, she would have drowned his manwhore-ass in some lake. Angry Cameron is brutal, no doubt.

Ok enough talk, let’s look at some photos of Jessica*.

*Please do not wank while on The Bastardly. Thank you.

Bastardly Analysis: Jamie's Boobs

It’s been documented on the site that I think Jamie from Real World San Diego is frickin hot. I mean, it’s like when having to pick an Asian ethnicity that I think produces the finest chicks…my answer is Korean…and Jamie here stands true to my belief. However, let’s be real here…Jamie is built like a toothpick w/ arms and legs and has small boobies. So in this Bastardly Analysis we’ll just pose the question of whether Jamie would benefit from some aftermarket bolt-on boobies. To discuss, we’ll look at screen caps from my favorite episode from the season…the Halloween episode where Jamie looked oh so tasty.

The Reflex Girls: Hot Russian Divas

Hot girls.

Sweaty bods.

Extremely flexible.

Russian.

Skimpilicious clothes.

And, more scandalous dancing than you can handle.

I’m not talkin’ about Ruskie strippers, my friends. I’m talkin’ about the Russican music group called Reflex. It’s a threesome that includes two semi-lesbian vocalists & a male DJ to keep the women audience members smilin’.

Even though I can’t understand a word of Russian, I still watched the entire video (twice). The two chicks get super emotional singing their hit song, Lyublyum. As they sing, one of them decides to get on her knees & lean back while the other soon follows suit. Too hot, I tell you. That’s what the American market is currently missing. We’re flush with talentless, soloist skanks.

More Reflex info:

* Official Reflex Site
* Download video “Lyublyu” – Real Video (4.9 Mb)

Here are a few spicy photos from a recent show. Enjoy.

Liz Hurley's Indian Transformation Nearly Complete

Liz adorned her beautiful bod w/ an amazing sari. She was on display @ the Red Hot Pink Party last week in support of breast cancer research.

The sari must have run Arun Nayar at least $5k (chump-change for the Indian pimpdaddy) . The kind of work seen on this particular sari probably required the labor of countless 5-year olds over a period of 6 months, but the end result is obviously magnificent! Let’s hope the tailor (and his low-waged slaves) were well compensated for their work.

Look below for a few more snaps of Liz.

The Lindsay Lohan Crack Transformation

Lindsay Lohan Transformation

So yeah, it’s quite obvious that Lindsay has changed. A little. Teenage girls across the country are probably wondering how this happened so rapidly & what they can do to go through a similar transformation. With a little snooping around, we discovered that our 18-year old princess/whore used a simple 3-step process:

1. Attend high-profile parties & blow on either high-profile penis or the white, powdery stuff. Do one or both until you are forced to rush to the restroom to puke out your brains—or at least whatever you ate that particular day.

2. Repeat at least 5-6 nights of the week for 3 months.

3. Lastly, whore your body to anyone & anything that wants you. Regardless of age (Bruce Willis) or stature (Verne Troyer), have sex at least 4x a week (minimum).

Of course, the more you do, the better! Check out the results below…

1 3,641 3,642 3,643 3,644 3,645 3,650