Category Archives: Babes

Eva Longoria's Tips To Cheating On Your Man

Along w/ the tips listed below on each photo, please keep in mind that you cannot bring the person you are ‘dating’ or sleeping with to any events where high-profile individuals will be present.

Eva skipped out on the Maxim Hot 100 List party—the same list she miraculously topped—to attend the film festival, so this lady definitely knows where the big money’s floating around. I bet w/ a dress like hers, she had a whole lineup of directors & producers coming in & out of her suite @ the Martinez. J.C., duuude, is the sex really worth putting your self-respect on the line? Get a hold of yourself, man.

Anyway, let’s run down a few presentational tips for those of you in the business of whoring yourself behind your man’s back. Ow!

Paulina Rubio….ON FIRE!!!!

Photos courtesy of Crossover Agency

Paulina Rubio….talented and successful Latin Pop Star, had an ultra-sexy video for her English language debut single “Don’t Say Goodbye”, and overall just a fine piece of Latina hotness that’s smokin!!! Our good friends over at Crossover Agency hooked us up with some hot pictures of Paulina as she is currently promoting her Pau-Latina tour. If you think she looks hot in these pics, imagine what the live show entails!!! Thanks to Daniela (who’s a hottie too!) for taking care of us here at Bastardly.

Jessica Alba's Nipples Make Cameo Appearance On Trippin'!

Oh. My. God.

I have it Tivo’d, so hopefully in the next week or so I’ll get around to finding the time needed to absorb J. Alba & her juicy hotness. From the captures, courtesy of Mr. Kitt 5000 (that’s only his online alias, Aaron Carter fans), this episode looks as if Trippin’ has peaked.

Just because I hate Kid Rock, I’ll also point out that I saw a clip of that bastard smoking a fucking cigar in the background while they were near some beautiful waterfall. What a dumbass hick. I wonder if Angry Cammie wanted to beat his ass down b/c his dirty, D-Town ass was polluting the wonderful atmosphere. I bet if Kid Rock was holding onto a fat Nikon camera, she would have drowned his manwhore-ass in some lake. Angry Cameron is brutal, no doubt.

Ok enough talk, let’s look at some photos of Jessica*.

*Please do not wank while on The Bastardly. Thank you.

Bastardly Analysis: Jamie's Boobs

It’s been documented on the site that I think Jamie from Real World San Diego is frickin hot. I mean, it’s like when having to pick an Asian ethnicity that I think produces the finest chicks…my answer is Korean…and Jamie here stands true to my belief. However, let’s be real here…Jamie is built like a toothpick w/ arms and legs and has small boobies. So in this Bastardly Analysis we’ll just pose the question of whether Jamie would benefit from some aftermarket bolt-on boobies. To discuss, we’ll look at screen caps from my favorite episode from the season…the Halloween episode where Jamie looked oh so tasty.

The Reflex Girls: Hot Russian Divas

Hot girls.

Sweaty bods.

Extremely flexible.


Skimpilicious clothes.

And, more scandalous dancing than you can handle.

I’m not talkin’ about Ruskie strippers, my friends. I’m talkin’ about the Russican music group called Reflex. It’s a threesome that includes two semi-lesbian vocalists & a male DJ to keep the women audience members smilin’.

Even though I can’t understand a word of Russian, I still watched the entire video (twice). The two chicks get super emotional singing their hit song, Lyublyum. As they sing, one of them decides to get on her knees & lean back while the other soon follows suit. Too hot, I tell you. That’s what the American market is currently missing. We’re flush with talentless, soloist skanks.

More Reflex info:

* Official Reflex Site
* Download video “Lyublyu” – Real Video (4.9 Mb)

Here are a few spicy photos from a recent show. Enjoy.

Liz Hurley's Indian Transformation Nearly Complete

Liz adorned her beautiful bod w/ an amazing sari. She was on display @ the Red Hot Pink Party last week in support of breast cancer research.

The sari must have run Arun Nayar at least $5k (chump-change for the Indian pimpdaddy) . The kind of work seen on this particular sari probably required the labor of countless 5-year olds over a period of 6 months, but the end result is obviously magnificent! Let’s hope the tailor (and his low-waged slaves) were well compensated for their work.

Look below for a few more snaps of Liz.

The Lindsay Lohan Crack Transformation

Lindsay Lohan Transformation

So yeah, it’s quite obvious that Lindsay has changed. A little. Teenage girls across the country are probably wondering how this happened so rapidly & what they can do to go through a similar transformation. With a little snooping around, we discovered that our 18-year old princess/whore used a simple 3-step process:

1. Attend high-profile parties & blow on either high-profile penis or the white, powdery stuff. Do one or both until you are forced to rush to the restroom to puke out your brains—or at least whatever you ate that particular day.

2. Repeat at least 5-6 nights of the week for 3 months.

3. Lastly, whore your body to anyone & anything that wants you. Regardless of age (Bruce Willis) or stature (Verne Troyer), have sex at least 4x a week (minimum).

Of course, the more you do, the better! Check out the results below…

Ryan Cabrera Tosses Asslee For Shelly Hennig

Ryan’s huge ass head with Shelly Hennig.

I haven’t been hearing any noise from The Ass Campaign lately. We can only hope that she’s not working on some big, secret project that she’ll later dump on the American public.

Anyway, screw her work & let’s get down to the dirt. Were these two younguns ever dating? I think Ass was just something Ryan would hit up if they were both on tour & by chance, happened to be in the same city (and he couldn’t find any other chicks to fool around with).

We’re just friends now. We got really, really involved when we were together, but the music business makes us so busy. Her dad always told us, ‘You’re going to get too busy and it’s going to be impossible.’ But you can’t help it when you love someone. Now, if we get to see each other, then we hang out and we go on dates. So we have, but we both do our own thing.

We’re both single. [Latina Magazine via Asslee Fan Site]

Yep. After reading how he stressed their ‘single’ status at the end, I’m now convinced Ass was just that—a piece of ass that Ryan would slap around every now & then (when he couldn’t get his slimy hands on cuter asses to slap around).

Well, it looks like even the random explorations of Ass’ sexy bod will need to stop now that Ryan is playing around w/ his latest toy—Shelly Hennig. She was 2004’s Miss Teen USA (whatever that is). Doesn’t Playboy Playmate, Kari Ann Peniche, hold that title? Even though Shelly’s pretty hot & definitely an upgrade over Ass, I gotta say that Kari Ann’s far cuter. All in all, Ryan Cabs is on the right track.

Jessica Alba Trippin' On Flipper Memories

Trippin Jessica Alba
And, I always thought dolphins were super violent animals. Actually, I think they are really violent—it’s just that those damn male dolphins don’t mind making out w/ hotties like J. Alba. Damn Flipper (where ever he is these days) & all horny, male dolphins.

The picture above is actually a screen-capture taken by a horny human (probably also a male) & comes courtesy of MTV’s new travel-themed show, Trippin’. This is the show in which Crazy Cameron Diaz arduously travels around the world with beautiful & famous celebs. Ya, Crazy Cams has it pretty tough, indeed.

In the next episode that’s set to air on Monday night, Crazy Madwoman Cams visits poverty stricken Honduras with not so poverty stricken Jessica Alba, Kelly Slater and Kid Rock. Kelly Slater & J. Alba are of course cool, but Kid Rock?! What is a cocky-bastard/manwhore/whorebag like him doing traveling to bloody Honduras? I bet he tried to molest J. Alba after she refused to sleep with his dirty, ghetto ass. God I hate that guy.

Ok, now that Kid Rock has screwed the mood, let’s look at a few photos of J. Alba fixin’ her bikini top! Ow!

Eva Longoria's Mini Rack & Whoring Business

Above is one of Eva Longoria’s extensive collection of shirts on which she proclaims having babies of random, Hollywood socialites. On this particular day, she wore one that read, “I’ll have your baby, Brad.” W/ a single shirt, Eva slapped around:

1. Her current ‘when-I-feel-like-it-boyfriend’, JC Chasez
2. And, ‘high-profile-christening-photo-snapper’, Jen Aniston

I say Brad should take Eva up on her scandalous offer—I’m sure JC wouldn’t mind. Brad, just remember to slip some birth control pills into Eva’s drink when she’s lookin’ the other way. As we all know, kids are waaay overrated!

Continuing on w/ Eva’s (self) whoring business, let’s bring her mini-rack into the picture. Eva’s use of the push-up bra is literally amazing! Just look at the photos below & judge for yourself*.

*Girls with mini-racks can direct photos of their own experiments with the push-up bra to the Bastardly mailbox.

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