Category Archives: Babes

Real World's Melinda Bing Bongin' In Philly!

Apparently she was @ Finnigan’s Wake in Philly last Thursday partyin’ it up w/ the gang that owns Bing Bong Tables. I wish those dudes requested her to wear something a little sexier than what she had on, but whatever. If the Bastardly ever throws a par-taaay & gets a hold of Petra Nemcova or Jackie Guerrido (let me dream, alright), we will request (ok-ok, beg) that they sport, at the most, skimpy tube tops & ultra-mini miniskirts, but that’s just us being bastards.

Regardless, I think Melinda’s lookin’ pretty cute in those snaps, but you can see 30 Melindas shaking their drunken booties in random bars around PB in San Diego—every night of the week (at least during the summer). They might not have Melinda’s boobage, but you can always get those bolted on for a small fee, right? Right.

Updated – 7/25/05

* more pics are up @ the Bing Bong Table’s site
* Oh, if you don’t want to spice up your party with the RoboSpanker, try a Bing Bong Table. Buy one today!

Anyway, check out some pics from the Bing Bong party below.

Eva Lonwhoria & Tony Parker In China!


Tony Parker, like any black man with money, left the bootiful sistahs & crossed the tracks into Latina Country. His name is officially scattered into Eva Longoria’s Outlook calendar for whoring. Let’s see how long he lasts b/c we all know how Eva can be with monogamous relationships.

Since he wanted her all to himself (for at least a long weekend), Tones had to fly her ass thousands of miles away to China. It’s a tough & expensive life when you want to have sex with Eva, so keep that in mind, guys.

As for the snaps, the photos in which Eva has her shirt rolled up, she’s lookin’ mighty delicious, but in the other ones where she’s posing w/ the natives, she’s looking totally blah’d out. I hate it when that happens w/ hot chicks b/c you’re automatically pushed into a pool of doubt & start questioning the chick’s hotness.

Oh well, here are some more snappies.

Bastardly Interview: April Scott

Photos courtesy of April Scott

Hailing for the “Show-Me State” of Missouri, I’d like someone to show me a hottie sexier than the gorgeous April Scott! Where hasn’t this girl unknowingly caught your eye?!? She’s graced the pages of numerous magazines, calenders, and catalogs. She has tv to her credit and was the beauty that Motley Crue casted for their “If I Die Tomorrow” music video. With her hectic schedule of modeling and acting projects, in addition to working on revamping her official website, we were able to steal a few minutes from the lovely April to get the lowdown in that bastardly way we do things here!

Lauren Sanchez: Bunny Smile, But Super Hot!

The smile won’t be all that bothersome if you don’t see it all that much, right? Right.

Unlike other hotties, Lauren actually does work that makes a difference.

Sanchez joined KCOP-TV from Fox Sports Network, where she served as anchor/reporter for ‘Fox Sports Tonight,’ and as correspondent for the cable channel’s newscast, ‘Going Deep.’ Her in-depth investigative report on ‘Going Deep,’ exposing the dangers of metal baseball bats earned her an Emmy nomination. [Fox 11 News]

So keep that in mind next time you’re going to hit a guy who’s burglarizing your house.

Anyway, Lauren started out as an “assistant” @ the station in 1993 & my God, her boss was a lucky bastard for having such a delicious assistant. Just think about how much play that genius of a man got!!!

Now to see some of Lauren’s other assets. Ow!

Jessica Alba Didn't Start Whoring Until 18!

I think I was ready to have an adult relationship when I was 16, but it’s illegal in the States to be intimate with anyone over 18 if you’re younger I’m someone who lives by the rules. [Female First]

Phew! It’s good to hear that J. Alba didn’t become an upscale, Hollywood slut until she was 18. How nice of her to be a good role model & live within the laws of the land..

If that wasn’t enough, J. Alba goes on to spill more scandalous juice.

I always knew I wanted to be in love with the first person I slept with because for almost everyone I knew, the first experience made them feel like shit. [Brit Cosmo]

Aaaw. It’s a pity she ditched that dude & went on to screw every other blockbuster Hollywood star out there, but I guess that was more of a business move than for pleasure.

It’s ok, Jessica. If you have a body like the one pictured below, God made you to be endlessly sexed-up by countless men.

Mischa Barton Says, "Black Is Back, Baby!"


The dude’s T reads: “I See Small People.” Props to the creative mind who thought of that shit.

Yes, mullato culture is before us again, my friends. Mischa & Quentin are doin’ it. Who’s next, baby!?

I don’t know what the fuck is wrong w/ Quentin Tarantino & his desire to ride the Shar Jackson Mobile behind closed doors. Quentin, banging K-Fed’s dirty ex on the side is pretty damn sad considering you can land infinitely hotter choco-lattes anywhere else in the world w/ far-far less baggage (I’m talkin’ kids), but you choose to sleep w/ the bitch & lie to the press about it. Someone give Q a hand with the ladies.

What about Mischa? Dude, who gives a fuck about her? Props to the Biggie’s Body Double for getting the opportunity to ride the 30lb manjaw’d, overrated OC star. I’m sure his brothas are pretty damn jealous.

Please join me in observing a moment of silence for Mischa Barton & remaining days w/ out a wheelchair.

Now, feast your eyes on some hot pics of the beauty showin’ the world that she’s now taking donations for a boobjob. She was recently left (except for those occasional sex-only meet-ups) her billionaire hoboyfriend, so that’s understandable.

Bai Ling Pimpin' The PMOY Par-taay!

Chinese think she’s a complete disgrace to their nation, culture & core ideals (but when the lights are out & no one’s lookin’, they’ll wank off ’til the underwear factories open up @ the crack of dawn).

Then there’s a special segment of the whiteman population who would die to sleep with Bai Ling. The other segments that are not special want to see the Chinese Paris Hilton die.

Since she has already revealed her 5-inch long nipple & her 30lb bod in all its nakedness, I’m sure the bastardly whores will have an opinion or two to state.

Aishwarya Rai Needs Mariah's Ab Stylist!!

For those not in the click, Aishwarya Rai is a hot Indian movie star who’s trying her very best to pull a Jackie Chan & break into Hollywood.

Well, she’s doing a good job b/c she has a few flicks already lined up for release. Although in order to land a blockbuster, I’m sure she has to lure directors & producers into dimly lit hotel rooms & sign on the dotted line after a 10min session of east-meets-west sex.

As of late, Aish (as her fans & colleagues call her) has been linked to a serious scandal that involves everything Bombay is known for: Drugs, alcohol, sex, money & mobsters. For those who give a shit, read about it here & for those who don’t, flip to the next page to see why Aishwarya needs to start a cardio regiment (today). We recommend:

1. 2.5 miles per day jog or run; 5 days a week.
2. 150 sit-ups in the morning
3. 100 sit-ups before bedtime
4. And lastly, she must toss rice completely out of her diet

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