Category Archives: Babes

Petra Nemcova: Giving Cuteness A New Meaning

A couple weeks ago I randomly turned on the TV (a very rare thing, mind you) & then somehow landed on Larry King Live (an even rarer thing). Usually when I land on Larry King, I first ask myself his age & then ponder why CNN hasn’t booted his ass back to the monkey exhibition @ the local zoo. Rather than bumping the show for a session of pulling weeds in my lawn, my eyes met w/ those of Petra Nemcova’s & it was instant one-sided television love. Truly sad, but it’s the honest truth, my friends.

In my book, Petra doesn’t fall into that random hot-girl category, but she’s much more (much-much more!). She’s in the ultra exclusive, “you’re so cute, I want to spend the rest of my life with you” category. I’m sure we’ve each met / seen a similar person in our own lives. God have mercy on her!

So with that in hand, how does such a hot girl like Petra end up on bloody Larry King?! We heard another one of those rumors, so listen carefully. Luckily, Petra’s agent was at one of those fashion-parties over the weekend & naturally, he did a ton of crack w/ the likes of anorexic Lindsay, Nicole, Donatella & Angry Naomi. When he was about to sniff up his 6th line of the night, his phone rang.

CNN: Hi, how are you?
Petra’s Agent: Huh?
CNN: Good to hear. Can Petra come on Larry King tomorrow night.
Petra’s Agent: Right on. We’ll be there.

So there you have it. Petra’s appearance on Larry King was courtesy of cocaine. God, I love that drug!

On a more serious note, check out some of Petra’s photos from her recovery in Thailand.

Jessica & Nick Lachey Months Away From Breakup

It shouldn’t be long. How long can two beautiful & superficial individuals possibly deal w/ each others’ bullshit. They’re definitely in the redzone at the moment & any day we’ll hear news of how Nick Lachey loses his temper in public & slaps Jessica upside the head.

Yes, he’ll forget the boobs & the sex. He’ll forget all that bullshit b/c he knows he can find 30 other girls who are not only smarter than dumbo, but also hotter & 10x less annoying. Get a clue, Nick. There is no such thing as love in your business; it’s only for the chick flicks & sappy songs.

Now, let’s enjoy a few photos of the two lovebirds vacationing in Hawaii. You’ll quickly note that Jessica’s booblies came out for a stroll through every horny guy’s perverted head. Enjoy.

Eva Enjoying All Parker Penises

Daddy Parker looks so comfy b/c Eva’s doin’ what Eva does best

Here’s Eva watching Tony Parker, one of her many human sextoys, during the NBA Playoffs. The old dude next to her is Tone’s pappy.

It’s so sweet of her to service all the males in the Parker family.

Paulina Rubio in the Happiest Place on Earth!

Photos courtesy of Crossover Agency

Thanks again to Daniela (who’s a hottie too) for sending us more pics of sexy Paulina Rubio. This time she took a break from her hectic schedule of touring to enjoy Disneyworld in Orlando, FL. And it’s not that she’s scared of the rides…Space Mountain, Splash Mountain (where she got soaked), Rock And Rollercoaster, and her favorite, The Tower Of Terror…..yup, she rode all of them. Look for her this week in Chicago. So sexy!!!

Inhale. Angelina Features Her Legs. Exhale.

We’re not worthy. We’re not worthy.

Jonny Lee Miller is one lucky bastard. He was seen hangin’ out w/ Angie last Thursday night when this photo was snapped. Let’s just assume Angie had crazy sex with him & that he made a secret video that he will one day lose so that it may spread across the entire internet faster than Paris Hilton’s video. Fantasizing is so much fun!!

* Check out The Sun’s scandalous article

Natalie Portman. Bald. Cannes. Perky Nipples.

The search engines will love that title.

Anyway, this is a pretty superficial & perverted post, so getting too deep is out of the question. Although, I’ll leave ya’ll with a semi-deep question that you can discuss in your Bastardly Essay (yes, the same essay that can WIN YOUR ASS A FREE BASTARDLY SHIRT!!!).

The Question: Does crazy nipple action like the one we see above & below classify as a wardrobe malfunction?


Eva's Chasin' The Light Saber Penis

Eva & Hayden in Cannes

Who was saying that Hayden Christensen is gay?

Actually, Hayden Christensen might just be gay (which is cool w/ us), but Eva Longoria still wants a piece whether he wants a piece of her or not. The lady doesn’t understand straight & gay concepts. She understands only the language of the Penis. In short, where there is a penis, there must also be Eva Longoria. The bottom line is simple: Eva’s a sexaholic beast of a woman, my friends. The lady is seriously on the balls of anyone whose name is NOT J.C. Chasez, but I guess just as long as J.C. doesn’t see her having sex w/ another dude, it’s all fair game, right?

J.C., we’ve said this before, but dude, smell the other items on the Latina menu & leave Eva to the rest of the male population on planet earth. You might end up catching some funky STD one of these days when you’re sitting on the porch twiddling your thumbs (waiting for NSYNC to make a comeback).

UPDATE: Thanks to NorCalGirl, we’ve learned that Hayden, similar to Tommie Cruise & Vinn Deisel, is still in the closet. It’s very understandly as the guy’s gotta keep up the heterosexual Darth image right now or G. Luke will eat his balls. [Socialitelife]

Paris Hilton Spreads Her Sexual Looove Overseas

It looks like he’s about to take a bite.

Surprise, surprise. She’s currently sleeping w/ some billionaire dude whose name is also Paris & now she’s whoring herself to a huge gladiator. The girl’s gotta keep her scandalous image, right?

Regardless, BJ recently wrote in with a link to JÖNTÃœRK with a few photos of Paris on a foreign television show in Turkey. Here’s an excerpt from his email:

Paris Hilton appeared live on Sunday on the popular
German entertainment show Wetten, dass…?, which was
filmed from the ancient Roman amphitheater of Aspendos
near the Mediterranean resort of Antalya in Turkey.

She stayed only 10 minutes on the show and got very
special attention from Ralf Moeller (one of the
Gladiator movie actors) to her boobs.

Head over to JÖNTÜRK & view all the photos. Please come back & give us a brief translation if you get a second!

Update: I’ve included a few especially juicy photos below.

Mischa Barton Features Her Single Booty. Ow!

Even though she’s madly overrated, I gotta give it up for Mischa’s fashion sense. This dress will drive any heterosexual man crazy & with her strolling around Cannes all alone, I’m sure some lucky bastard has gotten hold of that elusive All Access Panty Pass (AAPP). The AAPP comes only to the daring & lucky, my friends.

So yes, as I was saying, Mischa is a little lonely these days since her dumbass broke up with that billionaire chump—whatever his name was. Mischa, you are young & you’re stupidly valuing ‘true-love’ over the dough. Sistah, when you have a bottomless pit of money, you can love on the side while you’re doing movies.

They broke up after things began winding down and they started reevaluating their relationship [how the fuck do you reevaluate a relationship?!]. But it was Mischa who broke it off, for a few reasons: Brandon doesn’t have any real money of his own; it’s all his family’s. She wasn’t happy that Brandon didn’t have any of his own money, and that he’d have to go to his mother Nancy all the time for money. She thought it was ridiculous that a man would have to go to his mom each month for money. [Mischa’s Bastard Friend, Star Mag]

I still think she’s dumb. Oh well.

In support of Mischa falling in love on the side while having her sugar daddy living @ his mommy’s billion dollar mansion, here’s a case in point: She’s going to start a movie in bloody Italy w/ Star Wars pimpdaddy, Hayden Christensen. He’s 24, she’s 19, so I’m sure Darth will slap around Meesh w/ his light saber at least a couple times by the end of the production. For God’s sake, they’re doing a fucking romantic flick, so if Darth can’t get some action after a day full of make-out scenes with Meeshes, then he’s officially going to be booted from the dark side to the homo-side (which is cool by us, of course). That just increases the probability of Mischa landing one of us. Riiight.

On that sad note, here’s a pic of Mischa’s backside. If you look real closely, you might see a booty…

Eva Longoria's Tips To Cheating On Your Man

Along w/ the tips listed below on each photo, please keep in mind that you cannot bring the person you are ‘dating’ or sleeping with to any events where high-profile individuals will be present.

Eva skipped out on the Maxim Hot 100 List party—the same list she miraculously topped—to attend the film festival, so this lady definitely knows where the big money’s floating around. I bet w/ a dress like hers, she had a whole lineup of directors & producers coming in & out of her suite @ the Martinez. J.C., duuude, is the sex really worth putting your self-respect on the line? Get a hold of yourself, man.

Anyway, let’s run down a few presentational tips for those of you in the business of whoring yourself behind your man’s back. Ow!

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