Category Archives: Babes

The Lindsay Lohan Crack Transformation

Lindsay Lohan Transformation

So yeah, it’s quite obvious that Lindsay has changed. A little. Teenage girls across the country are probably wondering how this happened so rapidly & what they can do to go through a similar transformation. With a little snooping around, we discovered that our 18-year old princess/whore used a simple 3-step process:

1. Attend high-profile parties & blow on either high-profile penis or the white, powdery stuff. Do one or both until you are forced to rush to the restroom to puke out your brains—or at least whatever you ate that particular day.

2. Repeat at least 5-6 nights of the week for 3 months.

3. Lastly, whore your body to anyone & anything that wants you. Regardless of age (Bruce Willis) or stature (Verne Troyer), have sex at least 4x a week (minimum).

Of course, the more you do, the better! Check out the results below…

Ryan Cabrera Tosses Asslee For Shelly Hennig

Ryan’s huge ass head with Shelly Hennig.

I haven’t been hearing any noise from The Ass Campaign lately. We can only hope that she’s not working on some big, secret project that she’ll later dump on the American public.

Anyway, screw her work & let’s get down to the dirt. Were these two younguns ever dating? I think Ass was just something Ryan would hit up if they were both on tour & by chance, happened to be in the same city (and he couldn’t find any other chicks to fool around with).

We’re just friends now. We got really, really involved when we were together, but the music business makes us so busy. Her dad always told us, ‘You’re going to get too busy and it’s going to be impossible.’ But you can’t help it when you love someone. Now, if we get to see each other, then we hang out and we go on dates. So we have, but we both do our own thing.

We’re both single. [Latina Magazine via Asslee Fan Site]

Yep. After reading how he stressed their ‘single’ status at the end, I’m now convinced Ass was just that—a piece of ass that Ryan would slap around every now & then (when he couldn’t get his slimy hands on cuter asses to slap around).

Well, it looks like even the random explorations of Ass’ sexy bod will need to stop now that Ryan is playing around w/ his latest toy—Shelly Hennig. She was 2004’s Miss Teen USA (whatever that is). Doesn’t Playboy Playmate, Kari Ann Peniche, hold that title? Even though Shelly’s pretty hot & definitely an upgrade over Ass, I gotta say that Kari Ann’s far cuter. All in all, Ryan Cabs is on the right track.

Jessica Alba Trippin' On Flipper Memories

Trippin Jessica Alba
And, I always thought dolphins were super violent animals. Actually, I think they are really violent—it’s just that those damn male dolphins don’t mind making out w/ hotties like J. Alba. Damn Flipper (where ever he is these days) & all horny, male dolphins.

The picture above is actually a screen-capture taken by a horny human (probably also a male) & comes courtesy of MTV’s new travel-themed show, Trippin’. This is the show in which Crazy Cameron Diaz arduously travels around the world with beautiful & famous celebs. Ya, Crazy Cams has it pretty tough, indeed.

In the next episode that’s set to air on Monday night, Crazy Madwoman Cams visits poverty stricken Honduras with not so poverty stricken Jessica Alba, Kelly Slater and Kid Rock. Kelly Slater & J. Alba are of course cool, but Kid Rock?! What is a cocky-bastard/manwhore/whorebag like him doing traveling to bloody Honduras? I bet he tried to molest J. Alba after she refused to sleep with his dirty, ghetto ass. God I hate that guy.

Ok, now that Kid Rock has screwed the mood, let’s look at a few photos of J. Alba fixin’ her bikini top! Ow!

Eva Longoria's Mini Rack & Whoring Business

Above is one of Eva Longoria’s extensive collection of shirts on which she proclaims having babies of random, Hollywood socialites. On this particular day, she wore one that read, “I’ll have your baby, Brad.” W/ a single shirt, Eva slapped around:

1. Her current ‘when-I-feel-like-it-boyfriend’, JC Chasez
2. And, ‘high-profile-christening-photo-snapper’, Jen Aniston

I say Brad should take Eva up on her scandalous offer—I’m sure JC wouldn’t mind. Brad, just remember to slip some birth control pills into Eva’s drink when she’s lookin’ the other way. As we all know, kids are waaay overrated!

Continuing on w/ Eva’s (self) whoring business, let’s bring her mini-rack into the picture. Eva’s use of the push-up bra is literally amazing! Just look at the photos below & judge for yourself*.

*Girls with mini-racks can direct photos of their own experiments with the push-up bra to the Bastardly mailbox.

Teri Hatcher Too Old For Whoring Business

I feel like I’m too old to just have sex. I mean, I want to have sex, but with somebody who really loves and gets me. [Ireland Online]

Aaaaw. Isn’t that sweet? Teri wants to have a respectable relationship. By dropping the ‘long-term bomb’, Teri is now in stuck in a sexual hole all by herself. Why? Well…

1. 75% of the rich men in Hollywood have blacklisted her MILFy ass
2. Another 5% busily watch Teri demonstrate S Factor’s stripper moves on the Howard Stern show in order to contemplate whether she’s worth the trouble.
3. The remaining 20% are now scheming sleazy ways to get into Teri’s panties.

Any woman who can move her body like Teri should have men crawling all over her, but I guess she’s well aware of that fact.

Any bets on who this Michael Jackson look-alike (per miSs) & hot MILF (per me) will end up with? I say she’ll soon slap some sense into Jesse Metcalfe & hook up with him—long-term. The Old-Woman, Young Boy Syndrome is alive & well, baby!

The Women Of Foreign (Latino) Television

Barbara Bermudo

Barbara Bermudo

It’s no secret that the United States has the most screwed-up & hypocritical censorship bureau in the world, but when did censorship have any correlation with hotness (also known as female exploitation)? We see she-males like Mr. Gretta van Sustern, straight-up annoying bitches like Paula Zahn, & on top of those two, we have 300-yr old, Judy Woodruff. And, that’s just one network, my friends.

Why can’t we learn from our Mexican neighbors & follow the lead of great Spanish institutions like Univision & Telemundo? Why must we favor content (useless content most of the time, mind you) over presentation?

Below is a compilation of beauties from various North American-based Latino canales! Savor the beauty & write to your local stations demanding an increase in their hotness level!

Aida Yespica Knows How to Dress

Well, let’s see her stats:

* She’s 23.
* Born in Caracas, Venezuela
* Once crowned Ms Amazonian (you know that’s gotta be competitive!)
* Slept with R&B manwhore/player, Craig David
* Down right sexy

Yes, Craig David was lucky enough to get a piece of Aida once.

She is a gorgeous girl. And, boy – what a body! It was fine for a while, but it was never going to progress as she didn’t speak much English. She is the most amazing girl I’ve ever seen. She’s incredible. Most guys fall on their knees in front of her. [Craig David, The Mirror]

How did these two sexual animals ever meet?! Let’s go to Aida for this one, kiddies.

He had a fantastic body and knew exactly how to make a woman happy. He was tender, but also full of passion and I was mesmerized. I knew Craig had a song called Seven Days about meeting a girl one day, having a drink with her another and making love by Wednesday. Well, let’s just say he was a good two days ahead of his own song that night – and I had absolutely no complaints.

Ok, fucking Craig David is the man. If the Aida’s last statement wasn’t enough, this next one by Craig should do the trick.

I was going to have to learn Spanish and work out if she had a sense of humour. It was a case of another one bites the dust. I’m single again. I don’t know what’s going on there, but it’s kind of fun being 22 and not being in a serious relationship. I travel around and meet lots of people. I’ve seen some amazing girls and met people who have great personalities who I haven’t been physically attracted to. I want to find that fine balance, but it’s about personality over looks every time. That will keep you interested – someone who can make you laugh.

There you go, Girls. Craig David favors personality over looks. Bastard.

Now, let’s get back to the scandalous nature of Aida’s dress (or whatever it is that she’s wearing).

Victoria Beckham's Crazy Ass Recovery!

Photo: Bauer-Griffin

Since D. Beckham has crossed the Bastardly Wires, I gotta plug the wifie.

Victoria Beckham: You either masturbate to her or you hate her. There’s no gray area. She may be a cocky, arrogant bitch, but we must commend her for looking like she does just a few weeks after her pregnancy. It’s literally amazing.

She should make a video of her recovery & sell it to women around the world. Their husbands will appreciate it.

Then again, since Poshy Victoria has been under the scandalous scalpel, I’m sure she had a little work done behind closed doors. Just don’t expect her skipping around in her skimpy, Versace bikini anytime soon.

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