RoboSpanker: The Life Of A Party!

Remember not to wake the neighbors!

Close your eyes. Yes, you. Close your eyes & have someone read this to you.

Scenario A: Imagine yourself at a regular party. Your friends are drinking, eating, smoking & just screwing around in general. People get drunk, a few even manage to pass-out and then soon the party fizzles out and everyone leaves. There’s literally no climax. People just leave after a few laughs and drinks. The End.

Scenario B: Imagine yourself at a party. Your friends are drinking, eating, & hittin’ the billy-billy-bing-bong. Similar to Scenario A, some people get drunk & even more get tipsy, but no one has time to pass-out only because out of the blue, a friend rolls out a huge black apparatus that ultimately takes the shape of a mechanical spanking machine—The RoboSpanker! I am a big fan of the world famous mechanical bull, mind you, but the RoboSpanker is tip-top! At first everyone remains confused, shy and even disgusted, but luckily you invited ‘that’ crazy girl who you knew would be down to be Spank Victim Numero Uno & help to open the flood gates for future participants. Now, I know all you girls just got crazy chills and goose bumps all over your bodies, but don’t be too appalled. Those symptoms are perfectly natural and are signs of your subconscious desires to be RoboSpanked! (Maybe one or two light spanks?)

The point I’m trying to make above is that if you’re in college or merely a bachelor who throws crazy parties with any type of clientele (rich, beautiful, ugly, young, old, whatever), you must order in a RoboSpanker and spice up the life of your party. It’s one of those long-term investments that will pay itself off in endless nights of crazy-western-sex with women of your choice. Ok—ok, maybe I took it a bit too far, but if not sex, I’m sure you’ll get to see plenty of booty! [Remember, ‘booty quality’ is entirely contingent upon who you invite, so keep that mind if you want to break out the RoboSpanker. You don’t want a 500-lb Monica Lewinsky jumping on and scaring away everyone even before the RoboSpanker has a chance to warm up.]

Anna Benson: Crackwhore Bitch!

Anna Benson
I am….Super Bitch! Fear me or I will have sex with everyone you know!

That’s exactly what Anna Benson will do if Kris Benson (Met’s pitcher) decides to follow the ill-advised path of adultery. And I quote, “I will sleep with all his teammates, coaches, trainers & then circle around to other teams if he ever cheats on me.” And at the end of it all, she was cold-heartedly serious!

Apart from Kris Benson being one of the richest whipped men in the country, I’d have to say that Anna Benson is the biggest bitch to appear in FHM in a while (she’s gotta a mini-layout in this month’s mag). Some of the other things she brought up…

1. She got Kris his $27 million contract with the Mets.
2. She is responsible for his success (from training to taking care of him at home).
3. She has had sex in every hole in her body (I’m not making this stuff up…).
4. She started a anti-terrorism charity that doesn’t really fight terrorism, but really helps Pennsylvania police buy body armor and shit for their vehicles. She takes pride in working this into his contract.
5. Once again, if he’s caught cheating she will humiliate him by sleeping with every baseball fan in the city of NY. For some reason she’s not worried about the additional humiliation that will cause her.
6. They’ve made around 30 sex videos in various hotel rooms around the city. She was pretty adamant in declaring that she’s the “STAAAR” in all the movies. Who else will be the fucking star?!! Whipped Kris Benson?
6. And finally, Anna doesn’t need a cut from the $27mil b/c her name is included in all his bank accounts.

But at the end of it all, she loves her husband. I think either Kris Benson will be murdered by this devil of a woman or this lady will die of a crack overdose. Or it’s possible she’ll overdose on crack first and then right before she’s going to die she’ll kill Kris Benson. Who knows what will go down, but the police better keep their eyes on this woman.

REMINDER TO ALL GUYS: Don’t forget to take a condom before hitting Mets games!

Big Screen Eva!

Wow, too hot of a scene.

This shouldn’t be much of a surprise. With Eva sleeping around with directors, sweet talkin’ the right people @ the right award shows & literally wringing the fame she has goin’ with ‘Wives, she’s creating opportunities for herself. Keep it up, Eva! Capture the big dogs under your Latino Web of Love.

The latest opportunity comes with Harsh Times, a low-budget flick directed by Training Day & S.W.A.T director, David Ayer.

The story, set in South Central Los Angeles, revolves around two men (Christian Bale, Freddy Rodriguez) in their 20s. Longoria will play Rodriguez’s girlfriend. Shooting is scheduled to begin Dec. 20.
Bale, in theaters with “The Machinist”, next stars in “Batman Begins”. Rodriguez has been nominated for an Emmy for his work on HBO’s “Six Feet Under”. [Empire Movies]

This movie is flush with opportunities. First off, Christian Bale is huge! A few nights with him & only God knows who’ll be callin’ Eva next! Plus, since this is a low-budget flick, it naturally represents tremendous opportunity for success @ the box-office. I guess only time will tell�

The Love Triangle: Brad-Angie-Jenny

Brad & Angie

Bastardly Questions:
1. Did Brad get a piece?
2. Did Brad make a video?
3. If Brad made a video, does he have it on a laptop, by chance?

Reports are resurfacing that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston’s marriage is in trouble. This time the problem is said to be the fact that Brad wants to become a father while Jennifer wants to concentrate on a film career. They had planned to start a family once “Friends” ended, but she has been swamped with film offers, and now has three movie projects in the works. [Star 100.7]

The gossiping gurus around the net are firing this one up again. I give their marriage until Labor Day, 2005.

Mommy Paris

Yummy. The sexy, pregnant Paris Hilton!

This Wednesday you’ll be treated to not only to the 305-year old Barbara Walters, but also to Paris Hilton. Some how bloody Paris made it on to her show that looks (obviously not too deeply) into the 10 Most Fascinating People of 2004. In the interview, Paris adamantly declares that she wants to be a wife & a mommy (not exactly in that order) within the next 2 years. Two? Why not sooner?!

Paris goes on to say that she loves everything about her life, including her jewelry line, singing career, TV show and movie work. She says that she not much of a party girl anymore, but will go out if it’s a birthday or something. [The scandalously gossipy people @ Boston’s one and onlaaay JAM’N 94.5]

I love the bit at the end with “birthday or something.”

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