The Bastardly: P Diddy Gets Played!

Puff Daddy
All brothas are standing tall & proud today. Not because Puff is payin’ child support like millions of other brothas, but because Puffy is officially paying the highest amount of child support in the richest country on planet Earth! Dude, think of how many more hot women will be dying to sleep with Puff now that he sports the Child Support Crown. Go Puff!

What exactly does he have to pay? A cool $35,000 a month, my friends.

The ruling is based on Combs’ yearly income of almost $50 million dollars. Additionally, Combs must pay more than $398,000 in retroactive support and all medical, dental and educational expenses for Justin.

Like any other rich, greedy bastard out there, Puffy is no exception. Even though he’s rakin’ in a comfortable $50mil a year, he wants to save a few pennies.

Combs’ lawyer labeled the decision a “gross abuse of discretion by the court,” and vowed to appeal the case.

Last month Combs spoke about Brim and questioned her motivations for requesting an increase in her child support. [via All Hip Hop]

Haha. I admit, $35k is a little more than a tip-top fashion stylist, Misa Brim, will need to raise little Justin. Then again, what if Justy wants to hit up Disney World in Europe or wants to surprise mommy with diamonds every month? You’re gonna need a little more than $35k for that, judge. I say negotiate a little with Puff by settling on $50k only if Puff will never wear one of those annoying XXXXX-large “VOTE OR DIE” T-shirts.

Scottie Pippen: Gone After 17 Years!

Yep, he’s gone! I just want to say that Scottie Pippen taught me the behind-the-back pass & the Sneaky, Indian Cobra lay-up that some people think is traveling. You bitter losers. Just because you get burned doesn’t mean it’s bloody traveling, a’right!

It’s too bad he had to play under Michael Jordan for a good part of his career b/c Scottie is quite possibly one of the most unappreciated guys to ever play the game (next to Maqmoud Abul Rauf!). I know the championships made up for it, though! Now that he’s in retirement, let’s just hope he stays away from da drugs & that dirty Michael Jordan!

This is kind of off-topic & random, but have you guys heard of the rumor where Michael Jordan goes to Santa Barbara (home of his basketball camp) & has mad sex with all the hot UCSB girls? How’s that for a rumor!

My Sad Season Pass List

Because I am completely disgusted with TV programming these days … I am writing to get help. TV is my best friend … and well right now hes not being that great of a friend. I have nothing to watch. Its absolutely pittiful I tell you. So, I am going to share my season pass list with all of you … in hopes of finding new shows to watch that will fill my head with new and improved nonsense.

The Bastardly: Billy & Kate Joel, Kevin Federline

I don’t know if Billy Joel is lucky or if he’s sick in the mind. I guess I’ll know for sure when I turn 55 & have desires to have wild, western sex with a 23-year old. Let’s just pretend he’s lucky. Before I continue, let’s calculate something sick: when Billy Joel was 25 years old & makin’ his hits, Kate’s parents were still more than a year away from that special night when Kate Lee was conceived. Does that even qualify as rockin’ the cradle?! Lucky bastard!

Anyway, as I write this, Billy Joel is probably poppin’ a few viagra pills & jumping into bed w/ Kate Lee for the 10th time as they fly around the world & have sex in various famous cities. You go girl! We all know that Billy Joel makes horrible music & runs a small record company by the name of COLUMBIA [fucking] HOUSE, but what does his new bird do? The AP reports,

Kate Lee, a native of Huntington, W.Va., recently graduated from Ohio’s Miami University and works as a restaurant correspondent for the PBS show “George Hirsch: Living It Up!”

Uhh…let me guess, she’s going into early retirement?

Now for another lucky bastard: Kevin Federline. Apparently he takes loans to financially participate in his new life with $100m (a.k.a. Mrs. Federline). Britney was heard saying,

Kevin pays his own way and I wouldn’t have it any other way

Raaaaaeeeat! And you don’t smoke 3 packs a day while munching on Cheetos, right? So let’s assume the lucky guy pays just 5% of all the shit—actually let me restate that. Let’s assume the luck man takes out loans to cover 5% of all the shit, so much debt does he currently have?

SNL: Ben Afleck, Weekend Update & Amy Poehler

Ben Affleck

I didn’t watch it all mainly because I forgot to TiVO it, but I saw a clip off the website.

Let’s take it from the top. Ben Affleck’s bit on Weekend Update was pretty sad. Seriously, man. Are they even trying to be funny anymore? Plus, BEN AFFLECK?!! Other people who would’ve done far better for an opener:

1. Paris Hilton – As we know she wouldn’t turn down to be in front of the camera
2. Britney Spears – She might have been busy, but a dual guest would’ve worked!
3. Anyone, BUT Affleck!

Weekend Update – They should trash the entire segment. Either they spend millions to find someone super hot & funny or don’t even bother with the two women deal. It’s just not workin’, yo.

Amy Poehler
– Going back to the first one, their writers suck fat ass!

Possible Remedies

1. Fire the writers. Fuck! Did you hear that hashish joke that Amy bombed?! It just makes the people look bad.
2. Go to reality TV business & hold a national vote each show & eventually kick out one cast member each month. By the end of the season, they’ll be forced to start with a semi-fresh cast the next season. It’s a painful (and somewhat exciting) resolution, but it must be done!

Ratings – Rhona "Lara" Mitra

Snakey Mitra!
We can do the snake dance anytime you want, sexhay!

The terrain is pretty damn dry when you attempt to spot some noteworthy babes in the Fall 2004 Primetime Lineup. Oh well. We’re in Ugg times where the Olsen Twins are considered pretty & Keira Knightely & Britney Spears are rated #1 in various mags. Damn the acting schoosl that teach Ug-girls to bloody act better than stupid, hot ones.

ABC’s Boston Legal’s got a naughty-naughty Brit named Rhona Mitra. As I do not watch the show, I can’t go deeper than that—although, now I might consider Tivo’ing it if it doesn’t conflict with my Chappelle, Attell, poker, & DeNiro movies. Irregardless, who the hell wants to read a bullshit review on a law show, right? This is all about layin’ down da gossip & indulging in a bowl of Mitra Soup, baby! Yummy! First, let’s do the numbers, baby…

Kerry: Rockin' The House

Kerry & Edwards

I’m sure Kerry felt like a superhero today. He knew exactly what he was getting into & not surprisingly, came in w/ a butt load of facts stuffed into his head. I have to to hand it to his party, though. They seriously programmed him pretty well for tonight.

They were both pretty repetitive & if you listened carefully to the Prez, you could tell that he was being super robotic with his responses. It’s almost like they told him to listen for keywords & once he heard certain words, he’d make programmed responses. It was funnier than annoying. Although, I didn’t expect too much from either.

Oh one more thing. I made a $50 bet today that Bush would win. I am a gambler @ heart, so when I see my odds are favorable, I strike like an Indian cobra—only when I’m NOT in Vegas b/c my Vegas record is pretty shitty, to say the least. Irregardless of my own personal sentiments, there are two things I don’t argue against: The market & reality. In order for the economy & dollar to stay afloat, money needs to be spent like crazy or we spiral real quickly into deflation! Bush is doing just that. As you know, dollahs are more precious than lives (unfortunately)! Also, at times of great fear, patriotism takes hold of our minds & we unconsciously become stupid.

Rock the Vote, yo!

Ratings – Keira "Pancake" Knightley

Ow! Keira!
We all know Keira Knightley is hot, but I think a lot of us are just Americans who find a semi-beautiful girl w/ a British accent sexy. Actually, just today it was learned that Keira topped a 100 Sexiest Movie Star Of All Time list put out by UK’s Empire Magazine. That’s quite a claim by the mag (a little bias), but I kindly disagree. By the way, Ms. Jolie came in second. If you put the two of them side by side, you’d have to be completely blind to choose Keira over Angelina. Seriously. Ok, now that we have that out of the way, let’s hit the numbers.

6.25 – Raw score. The number of bones you can count on her body is almost sickening, but I guess that’s the price of style & acceptance in our superficial society.

– 0.75 – The potential for murder or death while you have sex with Ms. Knightley. Once again, put some meat on those pointy bones, sistah! Even with 10-15 more pounds, Jackson will still love you & your boobless body.

+ 1.25 – She made her world debut in an Indian flick. It wasn’t British, a’right! It was bloody Indian. Bangra 4 life, baby!

– 0.50 – She must remedy the skinnyman-boob situation ASAP! I’m not saying you go out & pull a Pamela Anderson, ok. I’m gonna guess & say she’s either a AAA or an AA, so I would suggest at least jumping to a B (beware, the link leads to a not-so good lookin’ pair of boobs).

6.25 – Total Score

1 5,383 5,384 5,385 5,386 5,387 5,416