Countdown to Britney's Divorce #2 Begins

Britney

Britney surprises everyone from friends to her own mommy & gets hitched over the weekend. It must have been one of those spontaneous Britney moments. Now that she is at such an illusionary emotional high, it makes me wonder what kind of drugs she will use on her way down. I’m betting on two: coccaine (b/c she’s a socialite) & excessive amounts of food (b/c she’s southern).

Now I will stage a possible conversation that led to the hick-hitchin’ last night:

Atmosphere: [Watching tv, & eatin’ some chicken dumplins & friend turkaay while smokin’ a pack of Marbrolo Lights]

Kevin “no shoelace” Federline: Baby, I love you so much.

Curiously Clueless Britney: Aaaw, you so sweet. I love you too, babes. Hey, pass me a cig, willya?

Kevin: Hey Brit…uh…uh, you know how you said you’d buy me that new Madden NFL 2005 Game Guide after we get married next month?

Britney: Ya honey bunches. What about it?

Kevin: Uh…uhh…well, Barry and I were playing it the other day & he kept beat me b/c he bought the guide last week.

Britney: So, what you sayin’, Sweety?

Kevin: Well, I was thinkin’ we get married tonight & then I can get my guide tomorrow morning? How does that sound, sexy?

Britney: Yaaay! Let’s do it! Weddings are so much fun! Plus, the press will never be expecting it.

Here’s a photo of Britney w/ the touching look of “I just married the man of my of my life” (in a hick sort of way) on her face.
Britney

50 First Dates, Baby!

Ula, baby!

Since I lead a sad & pathetically boring life, I was at home on a Saturday night cruisin’ w/ da Pay-Per-View.

50 First Dates: An absolutely hilarious movie. Actually, if I wanted to get technical, I’d say the first three-quarters was awesome, and the last quarter was a little on the sappy side of things, but whateva! Although, one thing is certain: Rob Schneider is the man! I could seriously watch him make fun of the Hawaiian culture all day. (Like I said, I’m sad.)

I had plans to see this badboy in the theatres, but things didn’t pan through & I ended up missing it. Considering I’ve seen only around 3 movies in the theatre all year, I’ve missed many flicks—that’s mostly b/c 90% of them suck ass & not worth my 11 bucks (medium popcorn w/ one-cup of butter included).

Things I learned:
1. The Walrus has the second largest penis of all mammals. I’ve been to Sea World so many damn times, but never really noticed (not that I will be looking next time I go, you bastards).
2. I might be suffering from short-term memory loss, too. I’m serious. My long term memory is sharp as a blade, but what did I eat for dinner? No fucking clue.
3. Drew Barrymore is actually kinda cute. I always thought she was chunky-monkey, but I guess she lost around 10-20 lbs for the movie or something. Ok, I’m being mean. Amazing rack in some of the scenes, to say the least. Go Drew!

The Bastardly Three, No. 1

Oooh la la

The wise Greedy Girl points out how some are tryng to use sex to sell everything from dinner sets for the old wifie to grampa’s work lights! I’m really diggin’ the Craftsman 6.0 AMP 1/2 Hammer Drill—a lot. Note to Jackson: Boobies will not included with winning bid. [Greedy Girl]

The Curious Britney commercial. Let’s see, you got the Kabbalah book, you’re dating a complete hobo, you just threw your first hen party & now you have this deep desire to smell like Britney, but remain perplexed! Capitalism has an answer for everything, my friends. Doesn’t Britney looks like a midget when she’s peepin’? Ok-ok, if not midgety, at least give me stubby? Well, One question remains: What does this shit smell like? The website gives a very curious description:

…an exhilarating white floral accented with Louisiana Magnolia wrapped in the sensuality of vanilla-infused musk

Uh…Whatever the hell that means. The commercial link kindly swipped from [The Superficial]

The question of Tom Cruises’ homosexuality has been up in the air since, uhh, a very long time. I personally think he & bloody Vin Diesel should just drop the hetroshrouds & make out in the middle of Time Square. Tom & Vinn, my homies: If you didn’t know, it’s the 2000s & homosexuality is very similar to the Kabbalah ‘religion.’ No one gives a shit about it. [The Socialites Life]

Kobe Seduced Into Sexual Abuse

Kobe’s only fault: he’s a man who fell victim to evil seduction. Understandable. Let’s admit it, this chick saw a famous basketball player, then it instantly clicked in her head that basketball players are mostly all stupid & once that clicked it was all a matter of laying down some strategic kisses and of course, bending over (a.k.a. “abuse me, you big hunk of rich, bastkeball, meat” in Kobe’s head.) Oh, for entertainment sake, here’s what Kobe told the cops after he was snitched on:

The Time of my Life

You know that one time in your life where for that short moment your life just feels perfect? Like there is nothing else worth living for but that moment. The feeling of absolute happiness … the kind that you feel once and can never be repeated. I experienced this “EUPHORIA” so to speak last night.

I know that I’ve written about the Beastie Boys on several occassions. This time its waaaay different. As far as I can remember, the best memories in my life have had something to do with those 3 crazy dudes from NYC. Like the moment I heard ‘So What Cha Want’ for the first time or everytime I hear one of their songs my mind goes blank and all I see and hear is the music (kinda like those music screen saver things). My god last night was seriously THE BEST LIVE SHOW I HAVE EVER BEEN TO! Not only did they rock so hard with Mix Master Mike … umm yeah … they fuck busted out their instraments!!! They have not preformed with instraments for over 7 years man. Jesus Christ I cried when all of a sudden they came out wearing these powder blue tuxs (dumber and dumber style with the ruffles) and just played hella instramentals. I didn’t know it was possible. I’ve always experienced those songs in the privacy of my own home or on someone’s car stereo. But to actually see them play it as I listen. Fuckin INSANE. I admit to them “toying with my emotions” as a one James Chan used to say to me after he would watch a episode of Smallville. They played all these classics … but my favorite song was no where in sight. Well … until the encore. Fuckin A man … when I heard that bass I fuckin knew. You have never heard SABATOGE until you’ve fuckin heard it live. I think I jumped 10 feet off the ground and just started pushing everyone around me. Dude…. it was sick. That my friends was the best night I have ever had.

Pop Princess Feud part duex

VS.

In an effort to become more popular again, this “roving” reporter had decided to write about the neverending Pop Princess Feud.

As we all know, over the years, every generation has their Pop Princess feud. The classics are … Madonna and Janet (may not have been, but in my mind I’d like to think so), Britney and Xtina (I think she has changed her name back to Christina, but I like Xtina soooo much better), and now for this generation … (drum roll) Lindsay Lohan vs. Hillary Duff. Ahhhh. The smell of an 18 year old cat fight. You gotta love it! I stole your boyfriend, then you stole mine, I am in more movies than you, I make better music, I have bigger breats. Yes ladies and gentlemen … let the comparing and ripping each one of these teeny bopper magnets apart begin.

Brain Dead Woman

I received a call early this morning from some lady. Our conversation:

Woman: “Hi Moe. My name is Jude, I’m callin’ from blah. I hope you’re doing well. You blah blah blah blah.

Moe: “Uh, yes, blah blah blah blah.

Woman: Now, John can you please blah blah blah blah

Moe: Jude, my name is Moe.

(No acknowledgement)

Woman: Oh, so when are you going to send that over.

Moe: You’ll have it soon. Just ran into some issues. blah blah blah blah

Woman: Ok, thank you so much John! I appreciate blah blah.

Moe: Juuuuu—
[hang up]

WHAT THE FUCK?! How can you call someone, say their right name first and then proceed to call them a completely different name?! Bastardly Robots!

Hatin' On The Muslims

In the latest popbitch weekly, it reads:

Dickheads:
Bummer for Bombers –

Last week we revealed that many Islamic
suicide bombers take Ecstasy before
blowing themselves up.

This week we can add that male suicide
bombers also wrap their penises in white
cotton before going on their missions.

Apparently, they believe that this will
protect their fundamentalist wangers from
the blast, and preserve them, clean and
intact, ready for the 70 virgins in heaven.

Sadly, as we also revealed last week, the
bit in the Koran about the virgins seems
to be a mistranslation, and Allah will
only give the bombers 70 glasses of wine.
Bummer.

Why you gotta hate, my sistah?! These poor souls are used and abused by old bastards who literally brainwash them. The old bastards are like the generals in traditional armies. They give the orders & the innocent young merely run into harms way.

Note to future suicide bombers: Ecstacy may be hazardous to your health.

Paris Hilton Consulting, Inc.

Paris plays many roles in life. The perennial hoochie momma is a porn star, model, jeweler, & now a Star Consultant.

Listen up all you girls who lack self-esteem & style. Ms. Hilton speaketh:

If you wanna do it like an heiress you have to enter in royal and regally, but not like a snob. Act like you’re wearing an invisible crown. It’s all about confidence. You wanna pose, slenderise your hips, and you could do a certain pose – it depends on what you’re wearing. You just have to walk down knowing you’re hot. You have to smile sweet and look nice – and never close your eyes!

[Consulting fees paid by Ellen DeGeneres] Stolen from New Woman

Although, I must admit, this girl is a marketing genius.

1 5,384 5,385 5,386 5,387 5,388 5,414