Potato Penis For Sale On Ebay!

Potato Penis
I shit you not!

Curiously shaped, single whole potato, grown at my mother’s allotment.

How sweet is that? Unfortunately Melissa bought this item just yesterday! Damn you! Melissa, how much was shipping from England?

Make sure you check out the Questions & Comments towards the bottom:

This potatoe appears to have genital warts, will this be cured before sending the item out?

hahahaha —I know, I know, I’m horrible!

Priceless Art?

Paul Gauguin’s Maternité (II)
That would be Paul Gauguin’s 1899 Maternité (II). ooh, a woman breast feeding. Tell me what I’m missing here, art buffs.

Here’s a pitch by Sotheby’s (one of the auctioneers):

This iconic work is estimated to sell in the region of $40/50 million. Maternité (II), painted while Gauguin was living in the Punaauia district of Tahiti, is an ode to fertility. The subject of this painting is maternity, and the artist has rendered this time honored-theme with a rich and highly personalized interpretation.

Modigliani’s 1919 Jeanne Hebuterne (Devant une Porte)
Modigliani’s 1919 Jeanne Hebuterne (Devant une Porte)

There’s another, but apprarently this one’s not as special b/c it’s only going to pull in an estimated $25mil for some lucky people! What a steal—and I don’t mean the art. What has our world come to? We’re literally throwing money away on shit that will sit on our walls (collecting dust) for people in high society to admire. I can understand if some guy’s buying it to get some extra phuntaay on the side (every night of the week), but seriously, even then, no ass is worth that much—even J Lo’s ass (which happens to be insured for an absurd $1billion).

You want to place a bid? Read up a review of all the pieces being sold @ The NY Metro.

Daily Hit: Eminem, Nick Lachey & Jessica Simpson, & Trousersnake

Tasty M&Ms
Trick or Treat!

I would take it back to where I made a comfortable living. I would just make music, have people appreciate it, even if it’s a few people that like it, and be able to walk to a mall, walk to a store. [Ireland Online]

That’s Em wanting to hit the rewind button on his fame, but there’s no talk about giving up all the money that the fame has brought into his life. Sorry, but I’ve heard a lot of famous people spit that line out, so I call his bluff.

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! Nick Lachey is finally fed up of sleeping with annoying, high-pitched, lop-sided-boobed Jessica Simpson. I don’t blame him. I’ve seen one too many interviews of this chick in which she’s super dazed and confused b/c she’s trying too hard to remember what her daddy told her to say. One of my trusty sources, ehem-ehem—Star Magazine—has learned these two “lovebirds” are on the brink of calling it quits. They even (God knows how) consulted with an MTV executive snitch who claims their popular reality show is staged b/c they don’t spend time with each other once the cameras are off. Surprise-surprise.

Apparently, the alleged incident happened at a bachelor party for Nick’s sound engineer. Besides Nick, his brother Drew was there, and somebody else from 98 degrees. I can’t really quote the stripper, but to paraphrase, she said that she had relations with another woman, and had some whipped cream and toys and stuff, and that’s all she’s allowed to say. Well, Star magazine says that when she was “involved” with the other woman, Nick reportedly joined in. Star magazine asked for a response from Nick’s attorney who acknowledged that Nick went to the party, but denied that he sat anywhere near the girls or had anything to do with inviting them to the house in Hollywood Hills [JAM’N, 94.5]

Yeah, I’m sure he was standing in the other room & watching a live feed of what was going on in the living room. Raaaaeeeeaat! Dude, Nick is a normal guy who’s on the verge of going nuts b/c he made a mistake by marryin’ the girl he wanted to merely sleep with. Tsk tsk, Nick.

Obviously Nick Lachey is not the smartest of boybandies. He should really take pointers from Justin Timberlake. Justin is da player of players & that’s not b/c he has slept with Britney, Cameron & countless other girls at various clubs around the world, but b/c he knows the art of half-ass commitment. Just look at his marriage delays with Cammy. Dude, this guy’s so smart that he’s even got his mom to create drama to delay the wedding. Amazing! Anyway, here’s a photo for Samantha & Missy to drool over. Courtesy of This Is London.
The New Justin
Don’t get too excited, girls. They’re painted on for a movie (Alpha Dog – Scroll down for updates) he’s workin’ on.

Lakers News

Michael Ventre of MSNBC claims
that the new Lakers will go into a massive championship drought and turn into the Clippers. Dude, this guy needs to be fired b/c he doesn’t know anything. Other people don’t know what to expect, but I know one thing: Lakers are champions b/c they are flush with cash. If they don’t do well this year—no worries—b/c we’ll make proper investments and be back next year, but I can guarantee we won’t be out for too long. I’ll end with a very simple line:

Thirteen of the 17 other champions either beat the Lakers or beat the team that beat the Lakers in the playoffs. [LA Times]

Ratings: Eva Longoria

Eva Longoria

+ 7.25 – 100% All Latina Juice!

+ 0.10 – Not afraid to wear a “Mexicana” T-shirt

– 0.75 – Currently dating JC Chasez (a la N-bloody-Sync!)

+ 0.18 – The sexy Teri Hatcher is her co-star

– 0.40 – Small boobs & not willing to upgrade a little

+ 0.25 – Will never look like ‘Lil Kim or Michael Jackson (against plas. sur.)

+ 0.35 – Long, black, flowing hair to grab on to!

+ 0.20 – She looks a little Indian

+ 0.50 – She might be in Playboy (see below for more info)

————————————————————

7.68 – She is dark, sexy & smart, ok, but what the hell is she going to accomplish by dating JC CHASEZ!

We all know Jessica “lop-sided boobs” Simpson slept around in order to top Maxim’s Hot 100 list for 2004. Irregardless, our 2nd favorite housewife, the 29 year old hot jalapeño pepper, Eva Longoria, has made strides & hit up #91! Along with Maxim, she also made People en Espanol’s “25 Most Beautiful People” for 2003. Seeing as to how she represents one of the most sexiest races on planet Earth, she has to be a little proud. Congrats to her.

Eva Longoria is a well-read woman who has her facts down. She’s a closet feminist. She’s absolutely stunning. But her most precious attribute that spews out of her: she’s Latina! All those elements are equally sexy & b/c of her determination for success, I cannot see her fail in Hollywood.

Video: Asslee Runs Off Stage in Tears

Aaaaw
Wiping a tear that rolled down her cheeks & onto her neck constitutes as a throat ache caused by acid reflux. I know, I’m such a bastard!

A flustered Simpson danced a bit of a jig, then walked off the stage. The 60 Minutes cameras stayed on the 19-year-old singer as she rushed to the backstage area, clutching her throat and looking tearful.

As much as Ass’ news is getting annoying, check out the video of her rushing off the stage, courtesy of CBS’s 60 Minutes. You can see the funny look of “Oh my God, we fucked up” on everyone’s face. The full video & story will be revealed tonight on CBS 7 p.m. ET/PT. I still find this whole acid reflux thing a little fishy b/c if you think about it, the first person to break this acid reflux crap was Ass’ bastard father & you know his sole motivation is da cash, so he’ll go to extreme measures to preserve his daughters’ fame.

CBS 60 Minutes Video [You must use IE to watch; Click video link on the right]

Daily Hit: FOX News, DildO'Reilly Pays Up!

The Deep Throat Hit
‘I won’t say what I’m thinking of’ Hit. This girl gonna explode with smoke in a second.

The magnitude and ferocity of what is coming your way will make you forget all about September 11th. … After decades of American tyranny and oppression, now it’s your turn to die. Allah willing, the streets of America will run red with blood, matching drop for drop the blood of America’s victims [Phone Sex FOX News]

It makes me curious why FOX would run a terrorist tape less than a week before the elections. Bastards.

All cases and claims have been withdrawn and all Parties have agreed their was no wrongdoing whatsoever by Mr. O’Reilly, Ms. Mackris, or Ms. Mackris’ counsel, Benedict P. Morelli. [E! Online]

So no one did anything wrong?! Wow. The judicial system is truly amazing.
It’s a well known fact that money can buy anything from diamonds to sex to even, life. Bill O’Reilly bought his “dildo in the ass” life back when he & Fox News settled with Mackris yesterday. I guess money-hungry Mackris handed over the sex tapes (the old school audio tapes–not the Paris Hilton DV-8s) & Mackris got more than the $2mil they initially wanted to give her. (Rumor has it that she was paid upwards of $50mil.) Even if the tape comes out a few months from now, there is no way in hell I wanna expose my ears to that shit. God, just the thought of O’Reilly sitting in his $5,000 leather chair talking dirty with his pants down & dildo in hand makes me want to yack. Damn Mackris for releasing such yackatori details. Let’s not kid ourselves, a’right. O’Reilly & Mackris both were slapped around w/ the ugly-stick in the womb. One positive out of all this: O’Reilly is finished! Thank the lord.

Happy Halloween to you all! Pumpkin porn is the hot new industry! It only comes around once a year, so enjoy, you dirty-dirty people! No yacking!

Wanama Model: What Race Am I? Game

Wanama Model  Paseo Alcorta Buenos Aires
Wanama. Paseo Alcorta, Buenos Aires Summer 2005. You can never go wrong with fashion shows in South America. Never.

First off, it’s pretty obvious that Wanama designs super hot beachwear—all priced in Argentine Dollars, too! What’s not so obvious is this Wanama model’s race. Due to the show’s geographical location, I’m led to believe that this chick might just be Portuguese mixed with other shit, but with a closer look, for some odd reason, I smell a hint of chow mien on her gorgeous bodjay. Jax, V-man & others, lay down the full assessment. I’m including 3 more photos & 2 close-ups of her face (kinda pixilated).

Daily Hit: Lucian Freud, Asslee Simpson, Paris & Mark, CarMAN Electra

The Hot Hit
The Orgasm Hit. Ok she seems to be enjoying the hit a little too much.

Part of liking to work with them naked is that I can see more: see the forms repeating right through the body and often in the head as well. [This Is London]

You are so close to death & you still lie! Be afraid!
These are comments by the 81 year old Eeeenglish mega-artist, Lucian Freud, on his recently finished painting of naked & pregnant Kate Moss. Yes, Kate Moss. She is so old news. It’s set to go up for auction for a nice £3.5million soon. Modern art is something that completely baffles me. I cannot see the logic behind paying amazing amounts of money for utterly useless boards. Seriously. Why not just by a Kate Moss poster?! It ranks up there with paying 30 grand for a Vertu phone plan.

So from useless art we go to useless apologies—more specifically apologies being put forward by Asslee Simpson. Dude, this chick went from blaming it on her band to saying there was a SNL technical issue & now to bloody ACID REFLUX! What the fuck? She’s not only a hypocritical lip syncer & bad dancer but now it’s well apparent that she’s stupid & a horrible liar. It’s funny to me b/c in a recent letter to her fans, she came off sounding blatantly desperate!

People always say things that are hurtful, and I encourage my fans to do what I do and not read what people are saying on the internet…in a couple of days everyone’s attention will be on someone else. [Socialite’s Life]

Ass, get a hold of yourself, man. Go on a long vacation so you may recover from acid reflux & of course, practice your songs.

Ass is not the only one lying, my friends. Mark Philly is apparently denying he’s making sex videos w/ Paris.

We have mutual friends. [News Interactive]

Mark, tsk tsk. In rebuttal, the Sydney’s Daily Telegraph reports,

The tennis star spent ARIA night in a Las Vegas nightclub, kissing and dancing with the hotel heiress and part-time porn star.

Mark’s still shaking his head.

A day earlier, the hotel heiress sneaked out of the Tribeca Grand Hotel – the hotel where Philippoussis was staying.

They failed to report that Paris had her camera bag hanging from her shoulders. Ok-ok, bad joke. It was calling me out, damn it. Mark, if anything, you should be proud, man. A few nights in Paris will lead to many beautiful nights with even hotter women in the future. Enjoy it, my brotha!

Why couldn’t these people be more respectable like our Angie. And lastly, just to throw something random out: My eyes tell me that Carmen has recently gotten some procedures done (the plastic surgery type) b/c in these photos she looks like a trannie. Compare for yourself, Varian & Jackson.

Lakerss Update –
Thank God O’ Mighty! Shoulder Pads Jackson will NEVER again coach in the NBA [login:bastardly,pass:wearelame] . Everyone’s wondering when Kobe will explode to go on to become the greatest player ever. I still say trade the bastard & get someone more stable. As Kobe’s head grows larger, the Lakers roster is still slowly taking shape. Oh yeah, Suckramento sucks ass.

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