Hatin' On The Muslims

In the latest popbitch weekly, it reads:

Dickheads:
Bummer for Bombers –

Last week we revealed that many Islamic
suicide bombers take Ecstasy before
blowing themselves up.

This week we can add that male suicide
bombers also wrap their penises in white
cotton before going on their missions.

Apparently, they believe that this will
protect their fundamentalist wangers from
the blast, and preserve them, clean and
intact, ready for the 70 virgins in heaven.

Sadly, as we also revealed last week, the
bit in the Koran about the virgins seems
to be a mistranslation, and Allah will
only give the bombers 70 glasses of wine.
Bummer.

Why you gotta hate, my sistah?! These poor souls are used and abused by old bastards who literally brainwash them. The old bastards are like the generals in traditional armies. They give the orders & the innocent young merely run into harms way.

Note to future suicide bombers: Ecstacy may be hazardous to your health.

Paris Hilton Consulting, Inc.

Paris plays many roles in life. The perennial hoochie momma is a porn star, model, jeweler, & now a Star Consultant.

Listen up all you girls who lack self-esteem & style. Ms. Hilton speaketh:

If you wanna do it like an heiress you have to enter in royal and regally, but not like a snob. Act like you’re wearing an invisible crown. It’s all about confidence. You wanna pose, slenderise your hips, and you could do a certain pose – it depends on what you’re wearing. You just have to walk down knowing you’re hot. You have to smile sweet and look nice – and never close your eyes!

[Consulting fees paid by Ellen DeGeneres] Stolen from New Woman

Although, I must admit, this girl is a marketing genius.

Beyonce is Queen Booty

Queen Booty
The ghettolicious Smooth Magazine (it’s like a colored people only version of Maxim—definitely not something you’d find in Steve’s toilet) has released their top 100 list of Smooth Beauties.

In Bastardly style, here they are, my brothas…(just incase you forgot what they look like, just click away)
1. BEYONCE KNOWLES
2. HALLE BERRY
3. STACEY DASH (I’m shocked, too)
4. ALICIA KEYS (#1 in my heart, baby)
5. CLAUDETTE ORTIZ (Ow! Foxy ladaay!)
6. SANAA LATHAN (Whatevs…)
7. JENNIFER LOPEZ
(all I have to say is: 1 beeeeelyon dollars!)
8. TYRA BANKS (Dear Lord O’ Mighty!)
9. TRINA (Ghettolicious all the way)
10. JANET JACKSON (She should retire already…)

Thoughts & Prayers

An office card floating around for a very kind woman in the office whose mommy is in the hospital due to a severe heart attack. Let’s hope she recovers quickly & lives a long & healthy life!

Aneeeeeyway, of course (like any other office around the country) there’s a card floating around and here are the first three notes in the card:

1. My thoughts & prayers are with you.
2. You are in my thoughts & prayers.
3. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you & your family.

[more to come as people enter their ‘thoughts & prayers’]

Yes, I’m going to hell.

Maddox Jolie: One Lucky Asian

Maddox & Angelina
Meet: Rath Vibol (a.k.a. Maddox Jolie)

This particular photo was taken @ the premiere of Shark Tale. Dude, I have a hunch that this lucky kid is going to grow up to be someone big in Hollywood. Think of how many Asian parents would first suffer a heart attack & then contemplate suicide if their kid walked in the house one day with not only a bleached mohawk, but also several tattoos. In the Jolie house, this will earn praise.

How do I get in line for adoption because I hear Angelina is back in the market? This time, some Russian kid is going to win the Adoption Mega Lottery. I’ll end with a classic Angelina quote on adoption:

I’m always in the process. I’ve kinda done all my paperwork in case that day comes.
Life inspires me, my son inspires me. I just want to live a very full life. [BBC]

Hero

I don’t remember if I had written something about this or not … but I’ll just do it again. IF you liked Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon you will LOVE Hero. This movie is positively mesmerizing (if you can watch a movie and read sub-titles at the same time). THE BEST color schemes and art direction EVER! The fight scenes were pretty sick too. I think it has something for everyone. Jet Li played the Hero perfectly. Trust me, you don’t want to wait for this one on video. You need to watch Hero on the big screen with THX man. I give this movie 5 gold stars baby!!!!

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