Paris & Nick Carter Sex Video?!

It’s coming, kids!

News of the World (world renowned for its reporting of news even before the people involved even know about it) reports of Volume 2 in a series of videos where Paris Hilton has sex with various famous personalities around the world. The latest being popstar, Nicky Carter.

The countdown has officially begun for little boys, horny men of all ages, teenage girls & of course, the entertainment industry as a whole. The long awaited sequel to Paris Hilton’s sex video with Rick Solomon is set to debut on computers screens in your very own home! God, I get chills just thinking about it!

This time (sorry girls & gay males), the male star banging Paris will not be built up like Fabio. Expect to see a body similar to Will Ferrell’s sexy bod that he unabashedly shows off in various intimate Anchorman scenes. Let’s admit it, when God created Nick Carter, he gifted him with not necessary a great voice, but a voice that could be proven lucrative. And, unfortunately for Nick, God’s gift-giving stopped there.

Yes, kids. Nick Carter’s official proof to the world that he actually got a return on his investment when he dropped millions on Paris over the course of 2004 is rumored to have been stolen by some very shrewd thieves in a recent raid of the Hilton sisters’ love pad in L.A. Ananova and various other ‘stirrers’ report, that “Stills and video clips of her with former lover, ex-Backstreet Boy star Nick Carter” were taken! Of course, these stills and video clips (stored in a laptop that was a stolen) could be of the two ex-lovebirds shopping or clubbing in exotic locations around the world, but just for gossip sake, let’s set aside the facts (or lack there of) and assume the stills and video clips are from a night filled with extremely kinky & drunken sex! I know-I know, I’m going to hell.

Side note: I personally think that these so-called ‘thieves’ are more acquaintances of the sisters than real, thuggish thieves. No fucking thief wants bloody photos & videos on a laptop, ok. Actually, if you think about it, videos are transferable into the cold-hard cash if you can get them into the right hands. That’s why I’m led to believe that these so-called thieves are either (money-hungry) friends or crazy paparazzi/career-motivated reporters.

More to come! Possibly Fred Durst? God damn it, Paris, Fred is yesterday’s news! Plus, you might catch an STD assuming Fred’s STDs are stronger than Paris’ STDs.. Ok, this is going no where…

Liz Hurley Likes Indian Curry!

Liz Hurley has apparently made a great career move—left the white man’s McDonald’s & crossed the street to the Taj Mahal Restaurant! It’s a great decision as we invented the true art of proper sex in the Kamasutra (the other dominant type is crazy, western sex, which is more like two animals poking each other in obscure places) & not to mention, hundreds of millions of Indians stay up in the wee hours of the night to provide the world with technical support when it comes to resolving computer issues. We are here to stay, world. Welcome us with open arms and embrace us.

Just because this bit has to do w/ India, I’ll make a note of it here so all hot women, all around the world will start to respect the Indian Male. I hope you are listening, all hot you women of all races & creed! Forget about the Chinese, Japanese, Filipinos, Koreans & Vietnamese (only those Vietnamese who can’t speak the God-awful Vietnamese language, of course). It’s all about the spice, my babies. All about the Indian spice!

First for a photo b/c it’s the best proof I can produce…

Ok, she looks damn hot here!

Liz Hurley is still by far one of the sexiest & hottest women in the entertainment industry today. She has style, elegance & a presence that commands respect (at least from me). Even though she makes horrible movies, she’s forever on my A-list.

As for this Arun Nayar character—he is a pimp, of course. That’s all.

Oh yeah, read the article for the full juice.

Ratings – Angelina Jolie

Dear Lord ’O Mighty!

The Stats:
+ 7.48 High raw score b/c she’s probably crazy in bed!

– 1.50 for having bad taste in sleeping w/ & wanting to be w/ bloody Val Kilmer!

+ 1.00 for launching the ‘I want to inject shit into my lips’ industry

+ 0.25 for possessing one great pair of lips.

+ 0.25 for being in the Forbes Top 10 Richest Celebs list w/ a cool $27mil stash

+ 0.15 for being a little on the crazy side (she has a fucking dragon tat on her back & just bought her 3 yr old son a mobile)

– 0.05 for being a little on the kooky side (more positive, than negative).

+ 1.00 UPDATE 10/2/04 – Angelina planning to lead a life w/out superficial stars. No fucking Val!

Total 8.58 — some flaws drag down the score.

First let me attack the figure…actually, I truly wish I could attack her figure in real life, but sadly, I’ll have to let my lame words do all the attacking. Nothing is wrong w/ the figure, of course (you’ll soon see her naturals exposed in Mr & Mrs Smith alongside Mr. Brad Pitt’s bare ass) except for all that is on the figure. Endless tats are to blame (she has a bloody tiger on her back, for God’s sake).

The obvious plus are her wonderful & much talked about…
Dear Lord!
I could go on for hours talking about these beauties, but I will just allow you to devour the photo rather than bore you with words.

Lame Ducks, No. 6

I strolled into my house from work today only to find a postcard adorned with four naked island-women inside a little, red boat sitting on the table. Thank you, Lindsay. I’ll make sure to return the favor by sending postcards w/ big island-hunks sporting abnormally large penises so that your family can have a little fun @ dinner.

Here’s a photo of the scandalous postcard, along w/ my UNUSED United Airlines ticket from my recent DC trip. They are both painful reminders: Postcard of how badly I need to vacation with 4 beautiful women who enjoy having no clothes on; The airline ticket of my stupidity & carelessness.

Anyway, enough of this bs, here are the lame links…

There’s a new magazine called YIN in town, boys & girls! A little fobby? Yes. But I think they might have an audience in the U.S…6 groups, to be specific:
1) You’ll read YIN, if you’re completely fobbed out & want to learn English while stayin’ true to your roots.
2) You’re a fobby, Asian horndog
3) Since it’s a fashion mag, all Japanese people by default will like YIN
4) Horny white men who like Asian food more than burgers & hot dogs.
5) You’re a horny, American-Asian (i.e. Jackson) who likes to sample all types of food
6) You’re homosexual and want to stay up-to-date on fashion trends
…I think that covers pretty much the entire population.

Oh, before I forget. Here’s the most fobbiest photo (2nd fobbiest) I could find from the mag launch party. Lastly, the chicks in this photo have the most potential, but they are nobodies, so it doesn’t count. Overall, I was pretty disappointed. I figured an Asian fashion magazine launch party would have countless beauties roaming around—apparently that was not the case! Bah! [Fashion Gates]

The weekly installment of the amazing Alan Abelson. Get updated on the economy & laugh a little in the process. The link will die out in 2 weeks, so don’t waste time! [Barrons]

Ok. Matt Damon has gone crazy. He wants to “make a character-driven porn movie. It’s all going to be about the character and the porn’s going to grow out of the characters.” I always knew he was a horny bastard! [Female First]

“The 15th-floor luxury apartment will have two huge bedrooms, two guest rooms and a home cinema after renovations.” That’s the $7.7 Meeeelyon dollar apartment the Olsen twins just bagged. I had to once sell my precious clay poker chips to make rent. Those bastards!! [TV New Zealand]

“Listening to music (47%), watching TV (42%), and playing sports (41%) came out as the most important activities teens do after school.” No wonder American kids are bloody fat & suffer from adult-onset diabetes! Read the national study released by Aramark Corporation. [Press Release]

S&M Princess To Wed Trousersnake!

Too hot/cold to handle!
Do you like it Hot or Cold?! Cammy likes both, baby!

Cammy & Justin seem to be falling into the trap of commitment. Just a couple months after Cameron spouted out to Us Weekly how she didn’t like the idea marriage (or something ot that effect), it’s been reported that she & Michael Jackson-wannabe, Justin ‘Trousersnake’ Timberlake, are protecting their personal assets w/ prenuptials. Yes girls, if you’re wondering, Justy dropped thousands @ Tiffany’s & then later dropped to propose. Once again, I don’t like the idea of marrying a woman who likes to ice her nipples while staring in S&M movies, as well as marrying a man (if I swung that way) who’s adorned with scandalous nickname of ‘Trousersnake’ throughout the worldwide club scene.

The UK’s fab tab, The Sun, claims this marriage will probably “be more like that of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, nice and discreet.” Ok, since The Sun is a world renowned tab known for it’s scandalous (my personal favorite) Page 3, we’ll let that comment slide. The truth of the matter is simply that this marriage will absolutely not be discreet, but it might be nice. Unless they perform the ceremony in their own living room, you can expect to see photos plastered all over the web (along w/ horrible commentary like this).

Now for the real issue on hand…Britney must feel a sharp sting on her growing chineck every time she picks up a tab now that Justin has bagged the ultimate treat in Cammy. For one thing, Brit has excessive amounts of acne—yes, very gross. Secondly, she already has bloody step children (or is that step child? Who really knows anyway, right?) ! Talk about a turn of fate! I have to admit, though, Justin has indeed pulled ahead—he’ll have especially pulled ahead when Britney gets her divorce later in 2005 (while she’s pregnant with Kev’s 10th child, mind you). We don’t like the Brit situation at all, but hey, she’s good at diggin’ her white-trash holes.

Now a hot photo of Cameron on the next page.

Just Keep It Real…

Excerpt from this article in regards to the civil suit against Kobe.

“she was bent over the chair and forced by defendant Bryant to remain in that position, defendant Bryant sexually assaulted and raped plaintiff, by unlawfully and knowingly inflicting sexual intrusion and penetration of her vagina against her will and without her consent.”

I guess that’s the PC way of saying “he bent the whore over the chair and did her doggie.”

The Tragedy of Kobe Bryant

Vanessa Laine reacts:“I know that my husband has made a mistake — the mistake of adultery.

He and I will have to deal with that within our marriage, and we will do so. He is not a criminal. I know that he did not commit a crime & he did not assault anyone except me, but I will have the last laugh!

He is a loving and kind husband and father. I believe in his innocence.”

Translation of a smart woman’s (Vanessa Laine) reaction: “My fucking husband is a lying, cheating bastard who committed the biggest sin: Adultery. He will pay in hell, but first, he will pay (me) on earth.

He will pay for this & I will make him pay for this within our marriage. Mark my words, he will pay. He is not a criminal, ok. He is just a lying bastard. I know that he did not commit a crime & he did not assault anyone except me, but I will have the last laugh! He is a rich NBA player with millions of dollars today and millions more to be earned tomorrow. He knows he cheated & the entire world knows he cheated, but that doesn’t mean he enjoys rough sex! Cheating & rough sex have no correlation. Money & Diamonds do.

First & foremost, he is rich NBA player who has millions in the bank. On the side, he’s also a rich father & husband who has millions in the bank. I will wring him of every damn Karat he can afford. I do not need to believe he has millions in the bank. I know he does.”

ok-ok, I’m being a little mean.

As we all know, Kobe & Vanessa Laine share the most awkward relationship that is bound to be over within the next 5 years (or until Vanessa gets bored of juicing Kobe of his money). Kobe committed one of the worst acts while in wedlock, yet Vanessa Laine remains unflinchingly loyal. Confused? Is it just me or is our society really fucked up @ times. Whatever it is, it’s pure comedy. Here are some photos snapped recently in L.A…

Before we get to the photos, a heartfelt letter to ball-hog Kobe.

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