R.I.P. – Beyonce's Toe!

This happened a few days back, but I’d rather poke fun at Beyonce today than @ Britney Spears’ decision to create a Hick, Reality TV Show w/ her white-trash fiancé prior to their doomed wedding (which is being ‘put off’ for some odd reason). Then again, China was in the news with some pretty crazy news: The hairiest man in China! You’d think that w/ 1.2 billion strong, this guy would be the hairiest in the world, but Mexico got the Gold in this, baby. Leave it to the bloody Chinese to cheap shot their way into entertainment news. Jax, this is in no way going to help your people sleep w/ hot white women (like Angelina Jolie—be wary Wavin, there’s a boob shot in that link–oops the warning should come BEFORE the link, huh? Next time!).

A little off topic, but Angelina Jolie is extremely hot, as we all know. But Angie, take my word, all you gotta do is dump Career-Suicide Val & you’re my first 9, baby!

Lastly, I want to hit up on Madonna for a quick second b/c it was recently her Birthday. She was fit about 15 years back, but after she smacked into 46 this week, she’s lookin’ old for the first time in my eyes. Who cares if she’s hot or not b/c she’s extremely rich & famous. All the money she has managed to accumulate over the years is allowing her to continue her over-indulgence in life (I’d do it too, damn it!) by her recent attempts to gift herself a bloody island that’s currently owned by Aristotle Onassis’ damn lucky grand daughter, Athina (God what a sexy name!), for a cool £195 million (for us Americans who have trouble with math, that’s $357,134,722.06!). On that note, I will now make fun of Beyonce’s body guard…

Meet Shortie (aka, The Toe Monster):

The Toe Smasher

Well, Beyonce as we knew her is no more. She is now required to rest b/c her gigantic bodyguard, Shortie, has stepped on her toe. Then again, that’s what happens when you have a 500+ lb man trying to protect you. What is she trying to be protected from?!?! Maybe from being run over by an NYC taxi?? If Beyonce & Gigantor were in close proximity, I could easily…

1. steal Beyonce’s LV purse and run
2. slap Beyonce’s ass and run
3. grab Beyonce’s ass and run
4. bate Shortie with a Big-Mac or one of those Carl Jr.’s 5lb burger and kidnap Beyonce altogether!

There’s no trick behind this; the laws of medical & physical sciences support me, alright. Let’s not fool ourselves. Shortie has bodyguard weakness written all over him, ok. Kevin Costner, on the other hand, who’s around 1/6th the size of Shortie, had no weaknesses except maybe his natural desire to have sex with overly sexy black women. I don’t blame him on that one.

Now, Shortie’s obviously immobile beyond belief & appropriately very stylish (he’s walkin’ around w/ bloody Beyonce, for God’s sake!). He’s pretty much an extension of Beyonce’s Emilio Pucci shoes & Fendi handbag. In other words, he’s purely for show. Unfortunately her 500lb ‘for show’ bodyguard has bit back & it’s too bad her toe must suffer! Say goodbye to all those $3000 Jimmy Choos, Bee!

One last question remains: Is Beyonce the first person Shortie has managed to injure?

Lame Ducks, No. 7

A mother of a really cute & chubby 1 year old baby girl tells me my language in certain posts is a little too vulgar, so since a mother has requested for clean(er) content, she will get it. Just this one time!

Today we had an office potluck, so I’m sure all you cuberats now what that means, right? I basically have to listen to people compliment each other on how good the food is (yes-yes, even when it tastes like shit), while they talk about forgoing their diet (just this one time, of course) in order to madly binge on food. Then again, there are also those special people who outright don’t give a crap about diets, carbs, arteries, heart attacks, diabetes, etc etc and just binge till they are forced to contemplate locking themselves inside the conference room, turning off the lights and snoozing on the huge ass table until their digestive system has run its course and they are forced to visit the restroom. Just because I don’t want my food/drink poisoned in future potlucks, I want to say that the latter mentioned personalities do not work in my company but if they did, they would do as I have noted above.

Ok, now for my random photos. Here’s a photo of some super fobby, Japanese tourist I saw @ the new WWII Museum. These tourists are funny because they do everything you tell them to do!

Japanese Tourist

D.C. Trip Summary
D.C. was a lot of fun, but I got raped by Dulles airport on my return flight. In short, I missed the flight. Of course, there was a lot behind missing the flight, but it was mainly b/c I was unaware of the fact that the United Terminal was a 30 minute, painfully slow bus ride away from the main airport. Trust me, it’s very painful to see your flight back out from the terminal while you’re staring out of a stalled tram!! I was about to jump out of that snail-tram and chase down my plane, but I didn’t feel like doing jail time in beautiful Cuba.

Anyway, didn’t really do that much except spend some quality time with friends, took money while playing some Hold’em (donated some too), & randomly rode around the bloody D.C. Metro system. Oh yeah, also found out a good friend is now engaged and is getting hitched in June 2005. So, D.C. & I will meet again & I will have the last laugh!

Okay, enough updates. Now for the lamest links I could find on the net…

Bastardly.com!

Bastardly.com. Yes, we’re officially going to lose around 75% of our readers w/ our new domain name. It’s a harsh reality one must face when you have the same sense of humor as your typical middle schooler.

A full definition of bastardly (as we know it) will follow very soon, so that you may start to use it into your everyday language.

Top 10, Kiddos…

Obviously, Playboy is strong. Very strong. Well, with the help of Miu’s Socialite’s Life blog occasionally linking to us, many people were forced into reading a useless post on Paris tossing her lovetoy Nick Carter.

I’m just glad about one thing…the fact that Asslee Simpson is not #1. I feel as if Asslee fever has died down considerably (thank God) and the lame music scene is awaiting the next princess. Let’s hope she’s hotter than Asslee b/c we already know the voice has nothing to do w/ earning millions & selling thousands of records. Anyway, view the top 10 & enjoy the reads if you haven’t already…

1. Paris Tosses Nick (Boy #53)
2. Current Issue of Playboy
3. Ratings – Ashlee “Gypsy” Simpson
4. That boy is MINE!!!
5. Never Mess Wit Tha Bhetdamese!!!
6. The Ashlee Simpson Show…
7. K.O.B.E.’s dirty panty wearing accuser
8. Bloody Nick Carter
9. The Ashlee Monster Attacks!
10. Laugh or Be Afraid?

Paris & Nick Carter Sex Video?!

It’s coming, kids!

News of the World (world renowned for its reporting of news even before the people involved even know about it) reports of Volume 2 in a series of videos where Paris Hilton has sex with various famous personalities around the world. The latest being popstar, Nicky Carter.

The countdown has officially begun for little boys, horny men of all ages, teenage girls & of course, the entertainment industry as a whole. The long awaited sequel to Paris Hilton’s sex video with Rick Solomon is set to debut on computers screens in your very own home! God, I get chills just thinking about it!

This time (sorry girls & gay males), the male star banging Paris will not be built up like Fabio. Expect to see a body similar to Will Ferrell’s sexy bod that he unabashedly shows off in various intimate Anchorman scenes. Let’s admit it, when God created Nick Carter, he gifted him with not necessary a great voice, but a voice that could be proven lucrative. And, unfortunately for Nick, God’s gift-giving stopped there.

Yes, kids. Nick Carter’s official proof to the world that he actually got a return on his investment when he dropped millions on Paris over the course of 2004 is rumored to have been stolen by some very shrewd thieves in a recent raid of the Hilton sisters’ love pad in L.A. Ananova and various other ‘stirrers’ report, that “Stills and video clips of her with former lover, ex-Backstreet Boy star Nick Carter” were taken! Of course, these stills and video clips (stored in a laptop that was a stolen) could be of the two ex-lovebirds shopping or clubbing in exotic locations around the world, but just for gossip sake, let’s set aside the facts (or lack there of) and assume the stills and video clips are from a night filled with extremely kinky & drunken sex! I know-I know, I’m going to hell.

Side note: I personally think that these so-called ‘thieves’ are more acquaintances of the sisters than real, thuggish thieves. No fucking thief wants bloody photos & videos on a laptop, ok. Actually, if you think about it, videos are transferable into the cold-hard cash if you can get them into the right hands. That’s why I’m led to believe that these so-called thieves are either (money-hungry) friends or crazy paparazzi/career-motivated reporters.

More to come! Possibly Fred Durst? God damn it, Paris, Fred is yesterday’s news! Plus, you might catch an STD assuming Fred’s STDs are stronger than Paris’ STDs.. Ok, this is going no where…

Liz Hurley Likes Indian Curry!

Liz Hurley has apparently made a great career move—left the white man’s McDonald’s & crossed the street to the Taj Mahal Restaurant! It’s a great decision as we invented the true art of proper sex in the Kamasutra (the other dominant type is crazy, western sex, which is more like two animals poking each other in obscure places) & not to mention, hundreds of millions of Indians stay up in the wee hours of the night to provide the world with technical support when it comes to resolving computer issues. We are here to stay, world. Welcome us with open arms and embrace us.

Just because this bit has to do w/ India, I’ll make a note of it here so all hot women, all around the world will start to respect the Indian Male. I hope you are listening, all hot you women of all races & creed! Forget about the Chinese, Japanese, Filipinos, Koreans & Vietnamese (only those Vietnamese who can’t speak the God-awful Vietnamese language, of course). It’s all about the spice, my babies. All about the Indian spice!

First for a photo b/c it’s the best proof I can produce…

Ok, she looks damn hot here!

Liz Hurley is still by far one of the sexiest & hottest women in the entertainment industry today. She has style, elegance & a presence that commands respect (at least from me). Even though she makes horrible movies, she’s forever on my A-list.

As for this Arun Nayar character—he is a pimp, of course. That’s all.

Oh yeah, read the article for the full juice.

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