Tag Archives: Bastardly Evening News

Joe Simpson SOLD Jessica Simpson’s Old Blonde Look to Sophie Monk!

Bastardly sources close to the Joe Simpson’s private company, I Whore My Daughters for A Living Incorporated, tell us that a secret deal was worked out by Sophie Monk, an Australian pop singer, to purchase—yes, readers, purchase—Jessica Simpson’s look. I never knew there was a market for purchasing another celebrity’s “look.”

Here’s what we’ve learned: The deal was worth roughly $500k—an amount most in the industry would consider to be chump-change. Besides being super cheap, it was simple on the contractual front: Jessica Simpson simply had to dye her hair to something else & disappear from the scene for a while. In exchange, Sophie Monk’s party would cough up the dough.

Fucking Joe Simpson. Is there no end to his daughter-whoring?!!

The Bastardly Evening News – May 19, 2006

whore

* Doucherry abounds! As if Paris Hilton wasn’t enough of a spoiled ignorant bitch, she has now joined forces with another ignant bitch, Brandon “Chunk” Davis. This is the same cat that last year said he was not friends with Paris any longer because she was a “racist” and would say disparaging things about blacks and jews all the time…and that, as a jew, he was offended by her. Oh, how times change when yer rich and stupid. Here we have the less than dynamic duo talking “trash” about Lohan to the paparazzi. Calling her a “fire crotch”, saying she has a 7 foot clit and calling her poor beacuse she is worth “only 7 million”. Are these fuckers in 3rd grade or something? [Lulop]

* Chris Tucker is now the highest paid actor in Hollywood. Homeboy is getting 25 million to do his thing in Rush Hour 3 (I guess the public has been clamoring for another sequel?). This from a man who has not been in a film since Rush Hour 2 in 2001. Why does Chris Tucker appear in so few films? Here I get to share some O-fficial Hollywood gossip I learned about when I was out in LA. Chris Tucker is illiterate. Homeboy can’t read scripts. He has them shits read to him and most of the time he improvises the dialogue. 25 million and you can’t even read…we truly live in the land of opportunity. [BlogNYC]

* Karma is a bitch. I hope Tom Cruise is praying to Xenu or whatever Scientologists do when they are up shit creek. Last year Tom was talking some shit about women that use drugs to treat post-partum depression, saying that Xenu got the cure. Time to see if yer right Tommy. Katie (oops, sorry, “Kate”) Holmes got herself some of that post-partum depression goodness. Game on! [TheSun]

The Bastardly Evening News – May 17, 2006 – Asstastic Edition

* It should seriously be illegal for two chicks that rock this much hotness to hang out together, let alone sunbathe together! I am shocked and appalled at these pictures and do not approve of them at all. I give you all stern warning to take care if you look further, as I don’t want to get sued in case any of you dudes break your penis. [DoubleViking]

* No talent douchebag Pete “my only claim to fame is that I banged Kate Moss” Doherty crossed the line once more. Motherfucker actually sprayed a camera man and some other MTV people during an interview with a syringe filled with his own disease laden blood. Why he is not already dead or in jail is truly beyond me…but I’m not one to complain and not do anything about it. I am going to London for some StreetWars business and I’m willing to do my part to stop the scourge that is this cocklicker…if any of you can get me location or contact info for Pete, I will hunt him down, whup his ass, film it and post it here upon my return. Help stop Pete…give him what he deserves…the ball is in your court. [Yeeeah!]

* As a general rule models, although some are retarded hot, are retarded. I don’t mean retarded in a Corky kinda way, I mean like fully lacking ANY sort of cognitive skills whatsoever. Some of you will bitch and moan that this is an unfair stereotype…but take this story about a model that was on a moving bus and mistook the exit door for a bathroom door. Not only did she get the door wrong, she fucking fell out the bus and on to the highway. Stereotype? Perhaps…but some stereotypes are painfully accurate. [BlogNYC]

The Bastardly Evening News – May 15, 2006

IwantToBukkakeHer

Now don’t get me wrong, I get plenty of quality action all the time – but HOLY JESUS!!! Christina is something else. She looks like an uber-rich porn star, but without the haggardness that comes from getting pounded daily for years by monstrously hung dudes. Check out the ass shot of her in panties and grabbing her ankles – Deelicious! Should she ever want to get DP’ed I just want to point out that I am available… [HollywoodTuna]

My goal here is to return to the “game” by giving you as much hotness in a single post as possible…with that goal in mind, peep some video of one of the most craptastic movies ever made – Honey. Why would you want to see a clip from a shitty movie? Well, for starters Jessica Alba is in it and the clip I’m giving you is a deleted scene of Alba giving some douchebag that isn’t me a lapdance. Enjoy! [BlogNYC]

So…who likes bush? Personally, I think chicks should keep their shit trimmed, not bald mind you, just nicely trimmed…rock some designs or some shit of you want to, but don’t let it get all jungle. That said, for certain chicks I would be willing to make exceptions. For example, the supermodels (Amber Valetta, Devon Aoki, Milla Jovovich and others) seen completely buck-ass nekkid right here: [DrunkenStepfather]

Bastardly What Ever Happened to?…Supreme Commander

Earlier today, Pottymouth wrote,

What happened to Supreme Commander? I loved his rants. He was a funny
fucking dude! [Email]

In response to Pottymouth’s kind words, Supreme Commander released this press release through his email by hitting the reply button:

Awww…this makes me want to cry…but, as you well know, MEN do not cry – we have sex with women…so I will do that instead.

Seriously though…

The LA game is FINALLY done…I just posted the winners and crap last night.

So yeah, worry not all you Supreme Commander slaves. The Commander is a busy, busy man. Just look @ the shit he has to do on any given day…

1. Oversee the Shadow Government
2. Sleeping with naughty girls in the Shadow Government
3. Running Streetwars
4. Being entertained by chicks in the Big City & then sleeping with them

The pressures of the Shadow Government, coupled w/ a strenuous lovemaking schedule, the Commander is doing his best to return The Bastardly Evening News within the next couple weeks. Any hot girls looking for access to the Commander, please head over here.

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