Tag Archives: The Bastardly Gossip Network

Kobe's Bitch, Paris Porn & Eminem Takes Shots!

Yes, kids. We’ve known this from the very beginning & finally it came out! That chick who Kobe used & abused actually wanted money. Seriously, is anyone actually surprised? It looks like Kate can’t trust yet another bastard friend!

An acquaintance of the woman also said that during a trip to Canada a month after the incident, Bryant’s accuser “seemed to make a joke” about the assault “and commented about money she was going to get from the trial.” [USA Today]

Eminem’s second coming has begun. Once again he’s going to cheap-shot his way into the shrinking wallets of parents across the country. Damn him. Anyway, Michael Jackson’s digging into his bottomless pit of money & suing Eminem for taking unnecessary shots. Dude, why do people have to hate on Michael!?! Bastards. Anyway, here are a couple lines from the new video in reference to innocent Michael:

Come here little kiddie, on my lap, guess who’s back with a brand new rap. And I don’t mean rap as in a case of child molestation. [Ananova]

Let’s hope that those lines sound better in the actual video.

Lastly, our favorite socialite camera-whore is brewing some trouble again. Since this is coming from News of the World, I wouldn’t trust it too much. They claim:

The 23-year-old has been captured on three new 45-minute tapes which feature the most explicit footage yet, including Hilton masturbating, enjoying a steamy romp with a rocker’s daughter and pleasuring two men at the same time, reports Britain’s NEWS OF THE WORLD newspaper.
A source says, “It’s the most explicit stuff Paris has done yet. It’s unquestionably Paris in all three scenes and she seems to be totally enjoying herself in every one.” [contactmusic]

That last statement leads me believe that it’s not Paris in those videos. News of the World is truly a bastardly institution, but we love them for their creativity & their complete disregard for the truth!

The Bastardly Three, No. 1

Oooh la la

The wise Greedy Girl points out how some are tryng to use sex to sell everything from dinner sets for the old wifie to grampa’s work lights! I’m really diggin’ the Craftsman 6.0 AMP 1/2 Hammer Drill—a lot. Note to Jackson: Boobies will not included with winning bid. [Greedy Girl]

The Curious Britney commercial. Let’s see, you got the Kabbalah book, you’re dating a complete hobo, you just threw your first hen party & now you have this deep desire to smell like Britney, but remain perplexed! Capitalism has an answer for everything, my friends. Doesn’t Britney looks like a midget when she’s peepin’? Ok-ok, if not midgety, at least give me stubby? Well, One question remains: What does this shit smell like? The website gives a very curious description:

…an exhilarating white floral accented with Louisiana Magnolia wrapped in the sensuality of vanilla-infused musk

Uh…Whatever the hell that means. The commercial link kindly swipped from [The Superficial]

The question of Tom Cruises’ homosexuality has been up in the air since, uhh, a very long time. I personally think he & bloody Vin Diesel should just drop the hetroshrouds & make out in the middle of Time Square. Tom & Vinn, my homies: If you didn’t know, it’s the 2000s & homosexuality is very similar to the Kabbalah ‘religion.’ No one gives a shit about it. [The Socialites Life]

Lame Ducks, No. 8

The last couple weeks have been rough, but the future seems to be lookin’ even tougher! Anyway, all that will come in another post. For now, I want to introduce to you all a special person who got me watching this year’s pretty sad Olympics for a whole 40 minutes! 2 words: Logan Tom. Now for 2 photos of Ms. Tom:

The Legs!
She might look a little like Natalie Portman, but if you think about it, Natalie Portman is like 4’11” (Ms. Tom: 6’1″), Natalie attended Haaaaaaawaaad (Ms. Tom: Staaaanfaad) & Logan Tom bloody plays Women’s Volleyball on the Olympic team! GooooOOOO Loooooowgun (Natalie: A Star Wars Manikin)!

I wish I was the Ground!
God, what I’d give to be the floor! Dear Lord, have mercy!

Ok, now that I’ve got you all excited, here are my latest lame links…

Since we’re tracking Britney’s demise, this is noteworthy news. Britney is planning to cast her soon to be ex-husband, Kevin Federline, in her new video in which she will get married. Bad idea Britney. Usually when you’re divorced to someone you once loved very much, you don’t exactly want to accidentally listen to songs in which you’re happily getting married. You’re simply setting yourself up for heavy drug use in the future & God forbid: suicidal tendencies brought upon by severe depression (knock on wood). [NY Post]

Anyone wanna go to La Tomatina with me next year? [TV New Zealand]

Lame Ducks, No. 7

A mother of a really cute & chubby 1 year old baby girl tells me my language in certain posts is a little too vulgar, so since a mother has requested for clean(er) content, she will get it. Just this one time!

Today we had an office potluck, so I’m sure all you cuberats now what that means, right? I basically have to listen to people compliment each other on how good the food is (yes-yes, even when it tastes like shit), while they talk about forgoing their diet (just this one time, of course) in order to madly binge on food. Then again, there are also those special people who outright don’t give a crap about diets, carbs, arteries, heart attacks, diabetes, etc etc and just binge till they are forced to contemplate locking themselves inside the conference room, turning off the lights and snoozing on the huge ass table until their digestive system has run its course and they are forced to visit the restroom. Just because I don’t want my food/drink poisoned in future potlucks, I want to say that the latter mentioned personalities do not work in my company but if they did, they would do as I have noted above.

Ok, now for my random photos. Here’s a photo of some super fobby, Japanese tourist I saw @ the new WWII Museum. These tourists are funny because they do everything you tell them to do!

Japanese Tourist

D.C. Trip Summary
D.C. was a lot of fun, but I got raped by Dulles airport on my return flight. In short, I missed the flight. Of course, there was a lot behind missing the flight, but it was mainly b/c I was unaware of the fact that the United Terminal was a 30 minute, painfully slow bus ride away from the main airport. Trust me, it’s very painful to see your flight back out from the terminal while you’re staring out of a stalled tram!! I was about to jump out of that snail-tram and chase down my plane, but I didn’t feel like doing jail time in beautiful Cuba.

Anyway, didn’t really do that much except spend some quality time with friends, took money while playing some Hold’em (donated some too), & randomly rode around the bloody D.C. Metro system. Oh yeah, also found out a good friend is now engaged and is getting hitched in June 2005. So, D.C. & I will meet again & I will have the last laugh!

Okay, enough updates. Now for the lamest links I could find on the net…

Lame Ducks, No. 6

I strolled into my house from work today only to find a postcard adorned with four naked island-women inside a little, red boat sitting on the table. Thank you, Lindsay. I’ll make sure to return the favor by sending postcards w/ big island-hunks sporting abnormally large penises so that your family can have a little fun @ dinner.

Here’s a photo of the scandalous postcard, along w/ my UNUSED United Airlines ticket from my recent DC trip. They are both painful reminders: Postcard of how badly I need to vacation with 4 beautiful women who enjoy having no clothes on; The airline ticket of my stupidity & carelessness.

Anyway, enough of this bs, here are the lame links…

There’s a new magazine called YIN in town, boys & girls! A little fobby? Yes. But I think they might have an audience in the U.S…6 groups, to be specific:
1) You’ll read YIN, if you’re completely fobbed out & want to learn English while stayin’ true to your roots.
2) You’re a fobby, Asian horndog
3) Since it’s a fashion mag, all Japanese people by default will like YIN
4) Horny white men who like Asian food more than burgers & hot dogs.
5) You’re a horny, American-Asian (i.e. Jackson) who likes to sample all types of food
6) You’re homosexual and want to stay up-to-date on fashion trends
…I think that covers pretty much the entire population.

Oh, before I forget. Here’s the most fobbiest photo (2nd fobbiest) I could find from the mag launch party. Lastly, the chicks in this photo have the most potential, but they are nobodies, so it doesn’t count. Overall, I was pretty disappointed. I figured an Asian fashion magazine launch party would have countless beauties roaming around—apparently that was not the case! Bah! [Fashion Gates]

The weekly installment of the amazing Alan Abelson. Get updated on the economy & laugh a little in the process. The link will die out in 2 weeks, so don’t waste time! [Barrons]

Ok. Matt Damon has gone crazy. He wants to “make a character-driven porn movie. It’s all going to be about the character and the porn’s going to grow out of the characters.” I always knew he was a horny bastard! [Female First]

“The 15th-floor luxury apartment will have two huge bedrooms, two guest rooms and a home cinema after renovations.” That’s the $7.7 Meeeelyon dollar apartment the Olsen twins just bagged. I had to once sell my precious clay poker chips to make rent. Those bastards!! [TV New Zealand]

“Listening to music (47%), watching TV (42%), and playing sports (41%) came out as the most important activities teens do after school.” No wonder American kids are bloody fat & suffer from adult-onset diabetes! Read the national study released by Aramark Corporation. [Press Release]

Lame Ducks #5

Well, I’m jetting off to the nation’s capitol for the weekend in about an hour. I have two objectives: visit a couple old friends & of course, indulge in the D.C. nightlife. Although, I hope this new security alert does not hamper my trip in any fashion. For fear of time consuming searches @ the airport, I’m checking in my little backpack, wearing slippers and carrying the absolute minimum (my digicam for those Kodak moments, my wallet & of course, my proof of citizenship…just in case!)

Now, here’s a photo of a girl/woman who appears to have an abnormally large head.

What in God’s name....?!?

Ok, I’m going into nerd mode, so some of you will not understand me…If any of you’ve ever played Midway’s NBA Jam, do you remember the big head code where upon activation of the code, all characters would have small bodies & exceptionally large heads? Well, this chick/woman brings back some classic memories. Thank you Nickelodeon & chick/woman with a big head.

Now for some lame links.

Be wary of this link. Hint: It’s got a picture of one of the contestants from the Miss Plastic Surgery Pageant. When I recommend plastic surgery for women whom I rate, I do not intend for them to take it this far! God damn, people! [Socialites Life]

I don’t know about Jackson, but I haven’t been fortunate enough to gain access to the VIP room of a strip club. That’s why ‘Confessions of a Stripper’ by Lacey Lane sounds interesting enough to skim through, at least. [Las Vegas City Life]

Here’s an article on a really old man with more than his share of tats. I think he has more tats than teeth. No joke. [CityRag]

Marilyn Monroe had a lesbian affair?! Good God. Apparently secret tapes have surfaced that reveal Marilyn had a Lesbian experience, but apparently didn’t enjoy it (sure she didn’t). Who cares if she enjoyed it or not, is it on Kaaza yet or what?! [Ananova]

Carmen Electra is going crazy. She’s going against the trend now & thinking of getting a breast reduction. And all this time I was under the impression that she had perfect breasts. Carmen please email for consultation b/c reverse breast augmentation (a.k.a. breast reduction) can take a tremendous toll on one’s rating—we’re talking in the realm of multiple points, people. [iafrica.com]

Lastly, new research suggests that diets high in carbs may raise the risk of breast cancer. Women in Mexico who ate a lot of carbohydrates were more than twice as likely to get breast cancer than those who ate less starch and sugar, according to a study funded by the U.S. Girls & men with manboobs be wary! [American Institute of Cancer Research]

3 Movies & A Beat Down

The last week has been rough. Real rough, I tell you. I fell so damn sick that I needed to have a 2 lb. bag of ice on my face to help contain my raging fever that was about to take my life. Thankfully, I’m still alive to make this worthless update.

With all my sickness, I had the chance to watch 3 flicks; two in the theatre & one in my living room. I am one of those people who simply cannot lie on my back for more than 2 hrs—unless of course I have some horrible disability (god forbid). Let’s just say the movies in the theater were a bad decision.

First for the flicks. Bourne Supremacy was a pretty sweet one, even though I had not read the books or watched the first movie. Although I must admit, I had a killer headache by the end of it (this headache was the culmination of 3 elements: my pathetic 3rd row seats, my impending sickness & the fucking director’s damn shaky hands when he filmed all 1:48 minutes of the film). Seriously, the action scenes were totally of the IMPLIED type. Take for example your typical Bourne Supremacy car chase. The only way you’ll know it’s a car chase is not because of the chase scene that lasts around 10 minutes, but because of the two stationary cars you see in the first 10 seconds of the scene BEFORE the cars start their chase routine. The rest of the 9:50 seconds was just the camera man playing hot potato with the bloody camera b/c only God knows what was going on. So yes, by the end of the movie, my neck, eyes & head were in great pain. It’s possible this is why the movie is only about to break even after earning around $98mil as of last Sunday. I’m sure it will go on to make millions more.

Anchorman came next. It was a’right. That Rick guy could have been omitted from the movie. I didn’t know if I had lost my sense of humor or if simply the guy wasn’t funny? I’m hoping for the latter. BUT, I have to admit that there were specific parts of the movie that were damn hilarious—especially the scene in which Will Ferrell had a hard on when he was asking her out. Also, the Achormen fight scene was crazy! Haha. Classic, I swear. I have a sick sense of humor, ok.

Tupac: Resurrection. By far, this was the most educational of the three. I was more than impressed at the amount of shit I didn’t know about the man. It’s too bad I was in lala land when this movie released in the theaters. We all know that Tupac Shakur was (is?) the man, but his great Theory of Thug Life has one flaw (in my opinion): the choice of the word, ‘Thug.’ I was thinking about it and I concluded that if he chose a word that was more socially acceptable, today, he would be hailed a hero in all areas of society from gangsta to politics. But then again, Thug Life was not intended for the rich politicians (it would have helped his cause if they could relate to Thug Life too, though). It was intended for the underdogs of society, right? The beggars, homeless, the thieves, drug dealers, the pimps, hos, etc, etc. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s unfortunate that Tupac is misunderstood by the Jessie Jacksons & Al Sharptons of the world. They are all revolutionaries—just from different time periods.

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