Tag Archives: The Bastardly Gossip Network

Jessica Alba's Year, Britney's Dog, Political Paris, & Mommy J-Lo

Jessica Alba
Lookin’ hotter than ever!

2005 is pretty much make it or break year for this Ms. Alba. Let’s hope she makes it b/c I wouldn’t mind seeing her beautiful face plastered everywhere. The J-Los & Britneys are getting boring, to say the least.

Starring roles in The Invisible Woman, Sin City, Into The Blue and, of course, the much-anticipated Fantastic Four, are set to make the raven-locked beauty the name on every movie-goer’s lips. [MegaStar]

BRITNEY SPEARS and KEVIN FEDERLINE got into a screaming match at the Ritz in Marina Del Rey. Kevin was tired of waiting for her to get ready with a makeup artist and he just twisted off. Kevin said that Britney treats him like a dog. [102.7 KIIS FM]

That’s what I call gossip! Could this be the beginning of the end?!

In the past, when people have heard the name �Paris Hilton� they�ve thought �spoiled sexpot.� From now on, when they hear �Paris Hilton� they�re going to think �spoiled opponent of gay marriage.� [The Borowitz Report]

Riiiight! Once a porn star, always a porn star! Has anyone seen the second video?!! I want to see the bits where she gets all racial.

I’ve always wanted my own family and I’m really anxious to have children. I think about that more and more. In the past I had been working so hard pursuing my acting and my music that having children just wasn’t an issue for me because I was so busy. But now I want to take more time for myself and for my husband, and starting a family is definitely one of my biggest dreams. I can’t wait. [Ireland Online]

For some reason, I can’t see her as a mother. Plus, what will happen to the 1 billion dollar insurance policy on her ass?!

Juicy

PARIS MOVES ON TO RODDICK, SPEARS DRINKS HER WAY TO PREGNANCY, ASHLEE SIMPSON’S ‘PHONE NUMBER’ UP FOR SALE, SPEARS RATED LEAST HYGIENIC, ANDERSON IN COCKFIGHTING PLEA, CLUB OWNER TELLS ZETA-JONES TO ‘PICK ON SOMEONE HER OWN SIZE’, and more at the Daily Dish

Daily Hit: Angelina's Nipple Issues, Greedy Martha & The Lakers, baby!

Ow!
The “shit load of smoke” hit.

Before I dive into my update, I want to say that from now these lame updates will no longer feature photos of Angelina Jolie or Paris Hilton, but a photo of a chick(s) hittin’ the sticky stuff! Yes, very disappointing, indeed. I don’t have too many photos, so I’ll probably be falling back on Angelina, Anna K & Paris very soon, so no worries Jackson. Anyway all you brave girls out there, send photos of yourself hittin’ the greens! (Please?)

Ok, moving on…

The superficial news has been pretty lame as of late. I think it might be b/c all the stars are too busy slapping the media with their own political BS so they can prove to the general public that they have money, along with brains. Pretty sad, indeed.

Of course, our favorite hottie feeds the poor, adopts the good-looking & has now turned into an activist. Yes-yes, Angelina is now a nipple activist. How sexy is that?

I still can’t get over that they airbrushed my nipples out of the posters for Lara. Look at that. No nipples. I think it’s rather strange and odd. Nipples are lovely. [contactmusic]

Angelina, we love you. Spank those anti-nipple bastards!

We go from beautiful & free Angelina to an old, wrinkly inmate named Martha Stewart. She is actually going to profit from staying in jail. I don’t know what’s worse: Madonna‘s over-indulgent Kabbalah party or this book deal?

Stewart has reportedly asked her lawyer Allen Grubman’s aides to pitch her proposed literary offering to New York publishers, while she serves her sentence in a West Virginia institution.

Can I get a unanimous, “BITTTCH!!?” I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather read other inmates’ take on Martha’s stay rather than Martha’s own bullshit version.

Ok, on to more important news: LAKERS BABY! I just want to take a second to say that Phil Jackson is a shoulder pads wearing arrogant bastard & that whenever I say Suckramento, I’m actually referring to the Sacromento Quee–I mean Kings. Here are the scores from their exhibtion games, followed with analysis.

Tue, Oct 12 Lakers 80, Seattle 87 – WHAT THE HELL?!

Sun, Oct 17 Lakers 94, Golden State 80 – No Surprise

Tue, Oct 19 Lakers 105, Sacramento 80 – HAHAHAHHAHAH

Thu, Oct 21 Lakers 88, Golden State 90 OT – What the—?

Fri, Oct 22 Lakers 113, L.A. Clippers 102 – Dude, Clippers suckass.

Sun, Oct 24 Lakers 111, Phoenix 103 – Bitches.

Mon, Oct 25 Lakers 117, Seattle 91 – Obviously, the first game was a fluke.

News: Caron Butler rocks the house at a time when the starting line-up is being discussed. Unfortunately, Odom is in a bloody slump, so he better get his mojo back into gear just incase Kobe gets any ideas of screwing any housekeepers on their various roadtrips! haha–okok! I’m sorry! And lastly, there’s finally someone who looks up to Vlade!

The Bastardly Talk – Angelina, Dave Navarro, Club Paris, Housewives Hit

The latest in the business of superficial talk.

Angelina, I will be loyal. Promise. I’ll even learn Cambodian for Maddox.

I have to concentrate on my son. That’s why I have lovers right now and not a boyfriend. I don’t want my son to start calling somebody Daddy unless that person’s gonna stay. [Yahoo!]

Damn Dave Navarro, damn his ugly-ass goatee & damn his 30 inch penis!! Here he talks about having separate rooms so that when Carmen wants to get down with some of her girls in some lesbian action, she’ll have another room.

One of the things that we do, which is important I think for relationships is I have a room that’s my room and she has a room that’s her room. When we need space… That’s where my porn is, that’s where my digital satellite is. We have mutual corners so, like, if somebody’s edgy I can go in and play PlayStation for six hours at a time. [contactmusic]

Angelina Jolie wants to build a little trust.

The Bastardly Talk by Angelina, Paris, Mr. Damon, & The FCC

The sexy Angelina Jolie was recently asked the superficial question of how she did Lola’s voice in the popular movie, Shark’s Tale.

I just had to think a lot of naughty thoughts. It’s kind of my bedroom voice, my phone-sex voice. It’s just a deeper side of my voice when I’m in a mood. [Female First]

Was that response scripted b/c it was downright hot!

Ben Affleck & Matt Damon are finally coming out the closet.

My longest relationship with a woman lasted two and a half years. That’s very short when I consider how long I’ve been friends with Ben. [Annaova]

Bastard FCC’s commentary on the $1.2mil fine levied on Fox.

Even with Fox’s editing, the episode includes scenes in which partygoers lick whipped cream from strippers’ bodies in a sexually suggestive manner. [AZCentral]

How the fuck are you suppose to lick whipped cream off of someone’s body and have it not be done in a sexually suggestive manner. Maybe the FCC bitches can strip their business suits and demonstrate.

How’s Paris going to respond now? We’ve recently asked the question: Is Paris Hilton a racist? Paris’ bastard ex-friend answers.

She was forever using the ‘N-word.’

I told her not to use it. It was offensive. But she just laughed. She is a racist, plus an idiot. Every black person she referred to was a ‘ni****’.
[Female First]

Now, seriously. Was the ‘idiot’ comment really necessary? It appears these comments have very little merit. Irregardless, Paris has two choices. Hire a brotha to make a hit or she can do what we’ve proposed: make a sex video w/ a famous brotha & get back to sellin’ some Paris merchandise.

Kobe's Bitch, Paris Porn & Eminem Takes Shots!

Yes, kids. We’ve known this from the very beginning & finally it came out! That chick who Kobe used & abused actually wanted money. Seriously, is anyone actually surprised? It looks like Kate can’t trust yet another bastard friend!

An acquaintance of the woman also said that during a trip to Canada a month after the incident, Bryant’s accuser “seemed to make a joke” about the assault “and commented about money she was going to get from the trial.” [USA Today]

Eminem’s second coming has begun. Once again he’s going to cheap-shot his way into the shrinking wallets of parents across the country. Damn him. Anyway, Michael Jackson’s digging into his bottomless pit of money & suing Eminem for taking unnecessary shots. Dude, why do people have to hate on Michael!?! Bastards. Anyway, here are a couple lines from the new video in reference to innocent Michael:

Come here little kiddie, on my lap, guess who’s back with a brand new rap. And I don’t mean rap as in a case of child molestation. [Ananova]

Let’s hope that those lines sound better in the actual video.

Lastly, our favorite socialite camera-whore is brewing some trouble again. Since this is coming from News of the World, I wouldn’t trust it too much. They claim:

The 23-year-old has been captured on three new 45-minute tapes which feature the most explicit footage yet, including Hilton masturbating, enjoying a steamy romp with a rocker’s daughter and pleasuring two men at the same time, reports Britain’s NEWS OF THE WORLD newspaper.
A source says, “It’s the most explicit stuff Paris has done yet. It’s unquestionably Paris in all three scenes and she seems to be totally enjoying herself in every one.” [contactmusic]

That last statement leads me believe that it’s not Paris in those videos. News of the World is truly a bastardly institution, but we love them for their creativity & their complete disregard for the truth!

The Bastardly Three, No. 1

Oooh la la

The wise Greedy Girl points out how some are tryng to use sex to sell everything from dinner sets for the old wifie to grampa’s work lights! I’m really diggin’ the Craftsman 6.0 AMP 1/2 Hammer Drill—a lot. Note to Jackson: Boobies will not included with winning bid. [Greedy Girl]

The Curious Britney commercial. Let’s see, you got the Kabbalah book, you’re dating a complete hobo, you just threw your first hen party & now you have this deep desire to smell like Britney, but remain perplexed! Capitalism has an answer for everything, my friends. Doesn’t Britney looks like a midget when she’s peepin’? Ok-ok, if not midgety, at least give me stubby? Well, One question remains: What does this shit smell like? The website gives a very curious description:

…an exhilarating white floral accented with Louisiana Magnolia wrapped in the sensuality of vanilla-infused musk

Uh…Whatever the hell that means. The commercial link kindly swipped from [The Superficial]

The question of Tom Cruises’ homosexuality has been up in the air since, uhh, a very long time. I personally think he & bloody Vin Diesel should just drop the hetroshrouds & make out in the middle of Time Square. Tom & Vinn, my homies: If you didn’t know, it’s the 2000s & homosexuality is very similar to the Kabbalah ‘religion.’ No one gives a shit about it. [The Socialites Life]

Lame Ducks, No. 8

The last couple weeks have been rough, but the future seems to be lookin’ even tougher! Anyway, all that will come in another post. For now, I want to introduce to you all a special person who got me watching this year’s pretty sad Olympics for a whole 40 minutes! 2 words: Logan Tom. Now for 2 photos of Ms. Tom:

The Legs!
She might look a little like Natalie Portman, but if you think about it, Natalie Portman is like 4’11” (Ms. Tom: 6’1″), Natalie attended Haaaaaaawaaad (Ms. Tom: Staaaanfaad) & Logan Tom bloody plays Women’s Volleyball on the Olympic team! GooooOOOO Loooooowgun (Natalie: A Star Wars Manikin)!

I wish I was the Ground!
God, what I’d give to be the floor! Dear Lord, have mercy!

Ok, now that I’ve got you all excited, here are my latest lame links…

Since we’re tracking Britney’s demise, this is noteworthy news. Britney is planning to cast her soon to be ex-husband, Kevin Federline, in her new video in which she will get married. Bad idea Britney. Usually when you’re divorced to someone you once loved very much, you don’t exactly want to accidentally listen to songs in which you’re happily getting married. You’re simply setting yourself up for heavy drug use in the future & God forbid: suicidal tendencies brought upon by severe depression (knock on wood). [NY Post]

Anyone wanna go to La Tomatina with me next year? [TV New Zealand]

Lame Ducks, No. 7

A mother of a really cute & chubby 1 year old baby girl tells me my language in certain posts is a little too vulgar, so since a mother has requested for clean(er) content, she will get it. Just this one time!

Today we had an office potluck, so I’m sure all you cuberats now what that means, right? I basically have to listen to people compliment each other on how good the food is (yes-yes, even when it tastes like shit), while they talk about forgoing their diet (just this one time, of course) in order to madly binge on food. Then again, there are also those special people who outright don’t give a crap about diets, carbs, arteries, heart attacks, diabetes, etc etc and just binge till they are forced to contemplate locking themselves inside the conference room, turning off the lights and snoozing on the huge ass table until their digestive system has run its course and they are forced to visit the restroom. Just because I don’t want my food/drink poisoned in future potlucks, I want to say that the latter mentioned personalities do not work in my company but if they did, they would do as I have noted above.

Ok, now for my random photos. Here’s a photo of some super fobby, Japanese tourist I saw @ the new WWII Museum. These tourists are funny because they do everything you tell them to do!

Japanese Tourist

D.C. Trip Summary
D.C. was a lot of fun, but I got raped by Dulles airport on my return flight. In short, I missed the flight. Of course, there was a lot behind missing the flight, but it was mainly b/c I was unaware of the fact that the United Terminal was a 30 minute, painfully slow bus ride away from the main airport. Trust me, it’s very painful to see your flight back out from the terminal while you’re staring out of a stalled tram!! I was about to jump out of that snail-tram and chase down my plane, but I didn’t feel like doing jail time in beautiful Cuba.

Anyway, didn’t really do that much except spend some quality time with friends, took money while playing some Hold’em (donated some too), & randomly rode around the bloody D.C. Metro system. Oh yeah, also found out a good friend is now engaged and is getting hitched in June 2005. So, D.C. & I will meet again & I will have the last laugh!

Okay, enough updates. Now for the lamest links I could find on the net…

Lame Ducks, No. 6

I strolled into my house from work today only to find a postcard adorned with four naked island-women inside a little, red boat sitting on the table. Thank you, Lindsay. I’ll make sure to return the favor by sending postcards w/ big island-hunks sporting abnormally large penises so that your family can have a little fun @ dinner.

Here’s a photo of the scandalous postcard, along w/ my UNUSED United Airlines ticket from my recent DC trip. They are both painful reminders: Postcard of how badly I need to vacation with 4 beautiful women who enjoy having no clothes on; The airline ticket of my stupidity & carelessness.

Anyway, enough of this bs, here are the lame links…

There’s a new magazine called YIN in town, boys & girls! A little fobby? Yes. But I think they might have an audience in the U.S…6 groups, to be specific:
1) You’ll read YIN, if you’re completely fobbed out & want to learn English while stayin’ true to your roots.
2) You’re a fobby, Asian horndog
3) Since it’s a fashion mag, all Japanese people by default will like YIN
4) Horny white men who like Asian food more than burgers & hot dogs.
5) You’re a horny, American-Asian (i.e. Jackson) who likes to sample all types of food
6) You’re homosexual and want to stay up-to-date on fashion trends
…I think that covers pretty much the entire population.

Oh, before I forget. Here’s the most fobbiest photo (2nd fobbiest) I could find from the mag launch party. Lastly, the chicks in this photo have the most potential, but they are nobodies, so it doesn’t count. Overall, I was pretty disappointed. I figured an Asian fashion magazine launch party would have countless beauties roaming around—apparently that was not the case! Bah! [Fashion Gates]

The weekly installment of the amazing Alan Abelson. Get updated on the economy & laugh a little in the process. The link will die out in 2 weeks, so don’t waste time! [Barrons]

Ok. Matt Damon has gone crazy. He wants to “make a character-driven porn movie. It’s all going to be about the character and the porn’s going to grow out of the characters.” I always knew he was a horny bastard! [Female First]

“The 15th-floor luxury apartment will have two huge bedrooms, two guest rooms and a home cinema after renovations.” That’s the $7.7 Meeeelyon dollar apartment the Olsen twins just bagged. I had to once sell my precious clay poker chips to make rent. Those bastards!! [TV New Zealand]

“Listening to music (47%), watching TV (42%), and playing sports (41%) came out as the most important activities teens do after school.” No wonder American kids are bloody fat & suffer from adult-onset diabetes! Read the national study released by Aramark Corporation. [Press Release]

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