Monthly Archives: October 2004

Ratings: Eva Longoria

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Eva Longoria

+ 7.25 – 100% All Latina Juice!

+ 0.10 – Not afraid to wear a “Mexicana” T-shirt

– 0.75 – Currently dating JC Chasez (a la N-bloody-Sync!)

+ 0.18 – The sexy Teri Hatcher is her co-star

– 0.40 – Small boobs & not willing to upgrade a little

+ 0.25 – Will never look like ‘Lil Kim or Michael Jackson (against plas. sur.)

+ 0.35 – Long, black, flowing hair to grab on to!

+ 0.20 – She looks a little Indian

+ 0.50 – She might be in Playboy (see below for more info)

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7.68 – She is dark, sexy & smart, ok, but what the hell is she going to accomplish by dating JC CHASEZ!

We all know Jessica “lop-sided boobs” Simpson slept around in order to top Maxim’s Hot 100 list for 2004. Irregardless, our 2nd favorite housewife, the 29 year old hot jalapeño pepper, Eva Longoria, has made strides & hit up #91! Along with Maxim, she also made People en Espanol’s “25 Most Beautiful People” for 2003. Seeing as to how she represents one of the most sexiest races on planet Earth, she has to be a little proud. Congrats to her.

Eva Longoria is a well-read woman who has her facts down. She’s a closet feminist. She’s absolutely stunning. But her most precious attribute that spews out of her: she’s Latina! All those elements are equally sexy & b/c of her determination for success, I cannot see her fail in Hollywood.

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Video: Asslee Runs Off Stage in Tears

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Wiping a tear that rolled down her cheeks & onto her neck constitutes as a throat ache caused by acid reflux. I know, I’m such a bastard!

A flustered Simpson danced a bit of a jig, then walked off the stage. The 60 Minutes cameras stayed on the 19-year-old singer as she rushed to the backstage area, clutching her throat and looking tearful.

As much as Ass’ news is getting annoying, check out the video of her rushing off the stage, courtesy of CBS’s 60 Minutes. You can see the funny look of “Oh my God, we fucked up” on everyone’s face. The full video & story will be revealed tonight on CBS 7 p.m. ET/PT. I still find this whole acid reflux thing a little fishy b/c if you think about it, the first person to break this acid reflux crap was Ass’ bastard father & you know his sole motivation is da cash, so he’ll go to extreme measures to preserve his daughters’ fame.

CBS 60 Minutes Video [You must use IE to watch; Click video link on the right]

Daily Hit: FOX News, DildO’Reilly Pays Up!

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The Deep Throat Hit
‘I won’t say what I’m thinking of’ Hit. This girl gonna explode with smoke in a second.

The magnitude and ferocity of what is coming your way will make you forget all about September 11th. … After decades of American tyranny and oppression, now it’s your turn to die. Allah willing, the streets of America will run red with blood, matching drop for drop the blood of America’s victims [Phone Sex FOX News]

It makes me curious why FOX would run a terrorist tape less than a week before the elections. Bastards.

All cases and claims have been withdrawn and all Parties have agreed their was no wrongdoing whatsoever by Mr. O’Reilly, Ms. Mackris, or Ms. Mackris’ counsel, Benedict P. Morelli. [E! Online]

So no one did anything wrong?! Wow. The judicial system is truly amazing.
It’s a well known fact that money can buy anything from diamonds to sex to even, life. Bill O’Reilly bought his “dildo in the ass” life back when he & Fox News settled with Mackris yesterday. I guess money-hungry Mackris handed over the sex tapes (the old school audio tapes-not the Paris Hilton DV-8s) & Mackris got more than the $2mil they initially wanted to give her. (Rumor has it that she was paid upwards of $50mil.) Even if the tape comes out a few months from now, there is no way in hell I wanna expose my ears to that shit. God, just the thought of O’Reilly sitting in his $5,000 leather chair talking dirty with his pants down & dildo in hand makes me want to yack. Damn Mackris for releasing such yackatori details. Let’s not kid ourselves, a’right. O’Reilly & Mackris both were slapped around w/ the ugly-stick in the womb. One positive out of all this: O’Reilly is finished! Thank the lord.

Happy Halloween to you all! Pumpkin porn is the hot new industry! It only comes around once a year, so enjoy, you dirty-dirty people! No yacking!

Wanama Model: What Race Am I? Game

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Wanama. Paseo Alcorta, Buenos Aires Summer 2005. You can never go wrong with fashion shows in South America. Never.

First off, it’s pretty obvious that Wanama designs super hot beachwear—all priced in Argentine Dollars, too! What’s not so obvious is this Wanama model’s race. Due to the show’s geographical location, I’m led to believe that this chick might just be Portuguese mixed with other shit, but with a closer look, for some odd reason, I smell a hint of chow mien on her gorgeous bodjay. Jax, V-man & others, lay down the full assessment. I’m including 3 more photos & 2 close-ups of her face (kinda pixilated).

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Daily Hit: Lucian Freud, Asslee Simpson, Paris & Mark, CarMAN Electra

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The Hot Hit
The Orgasm Hit. Ok she seems to be enjoying the hit a little too much.

Part of liking to work with them naked is that I can see more: see the forms repeating right through the body and often in the head as well. [This Is London]

You are so close to death & you still lie! Be afraid!
These are comments by the 81 year old Eeeenglish mega-artist, Lucian Freud, on his recently finished painting of naked & pregnant Kate Moss. Yes, Kate Moss. She is so old news. It’s set to go up for auction for a nice £3.5million soon. Modern art is something that completely baffles me. I cannot see the logic behind paying amazing amounts of money for utterly useless boards. Seriously. Why not just by a Kate Moss poster?! It ranks up there with paying 30 grand for a Vertu phone plan.

So from useless art we go to useless apologies—more specifically apologies being put forward by Asslee Simpson. Dude, this chick went from blaming it on her band to saying there was a SNL technical issue & now to bloody ACID REFLUX! What the fuck? She’s not only a hypocritical lip syncer & bad dancer but now it’s well apparent that she’s stupid & a horrible liar. It’s funny to me b/c in a recent letter to her fans, she came off sounding blatantly desperate!

People always say things that are hurtful, and I encourage my fans to do what I do and not read what people are saying on the internet…in a couple of days everyone’s attention will be on someone else. [Socialite’s Life]

Ass, get a hold of yourself, man. Go on a long vacation so you may recover from acid reflux & of course, practice your songs.

Ass is not the only one lying, my friends. Mark Philly is apparently denying he’s making sex videos w/ Paris.

We have mutual friends. [News Interactive]

Mark, tsk tsk. In rebuttal, the Sydney’s Daily Telegraph reports,

The tennis star spent ARIA night in a Las Vegas nightclub, kissing and dancing with the hotel heiress and part-time porn star.

Mark’s still shaking his head.

A day earlier, the hotel heiress sneaked out of the Tribeca Grand Hotel – the hotel where Philippoussis was staying.

They failed to report that Paris had her camera bag hanging from her shoulders. Ok-ok, bad joke. It was calling me out, damn it. Mark, if anything, you should be proud, man. A few nights in Paris will lead to many beautiful nights with even hotter women in the future. Enjoy it, my brotha!

Why couldn’t these people be more respectable like our Angie. And lastly, just to throw something random out: My eyes tell me that Carmen has recently gotten some procedures done (the plastic surgery type) b/c in these photos she looks like a trannie. Compare for yourself, Varian & Jackson.

Lakerss Update –
Thank God O’ Mighty! Shoulder Pads Jackson will NEVER again coach in the NBA [login:bastardly,pass:wearelame] . Everyone’s wondering when Kobe will explode to go on to become the greatest player ever. I still say trade the bastard & get someone more stable. As Kobe’s head grows larger, the Lakers roster is still slowly taking shape. Oh yeah, Suckramento sucks ass.

Miss USA Teen Kari Ann Peniche Visits Howard

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Kari Ann Peniche
All tied up & ready to go!

If anything, she was kinda annoying. The laugh was by far the most annoying part of the interview. Seeing as to how she was only 20 (probably younger than Howard’s own daughters), he pulled a pretty bastardly move. Upon a caller’s request he & many others convinced her to take a ride in the tickle chair for 30 seconds. In exchange, she received endless amounts of plugs (she has a shitty movie with Burt-fucking-Reynolds [still alive??] & she’s in this month’s Playboy, I believe) & not to mention, $1,000. She bit.

Oh, some other tidbits from the interview. She apparently won the Miss Teen USA thing only to have that title revoked after it was learned she posed for Playboy (she didn’t seem to care). Miss Teen people asked for her to return the crown, but she refused. I say screw Miss Teen, too. They should shut that shit down altogether and pledge the money to help fight AIDS in Africa. Talk about waste of time!!

Overall assessment: This girl is waay too young to be doing a show with Howard, man. You could totally tell she was super insecure & uncomfortable. Her giggles made that well apparent. Anyway, here are more photos.

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Howard Stern Grills FCC Chair Michael Powell

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Just finished listening to a clip in which Ronn Owens interviewed FCC Chairman Michael Powell on his morning radio show. In a turn of events, Howard Stern, the FCC’s #1 enemy, calls to ask a few Qs. You can listen as well by going to KGO’s website (choose 9am). [MP3 Clip Availbe Here]
Few interesting snips:

Howard: You’re the judge, you’re the arbiter, you’re the one who tells us what we can and can’t say on the air. And yet I really don’t even think you’re qualified to be the head of the commission. Do you deny that your father got you this job?

MP: I would deny it exceedingly. You can look at my resume if you want, Howard. I’m not ashamed of it and I think it justifies my existence.

Howard: I don’t take this personally. I don’t think that you personally hate me. I think what you’ve been doing is dangerous to free speech. I don’t think just against me, I think things have gotten way out of control. [ABC]

Overall, Howard asked some pointed questions, but afterall Michael Powell is the head of the FCC? The guy knows how to talk, ok.

Juicy

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PARIS MOVES ON TO RODDICK, SPEARS DRINKS HER WAY TO PREGNANCY, ASHLEE SIMPSON’S ‘PHONE NUMBER’ UP FOR SALE, SPEARS RATED LEAST HYGIENIC, ANDERSON IN COCKFIGHTING PLEA, CLUB OWNER TELLS ZETA-JONES TO ‘PICK ON SOMEONE HER OWN SIZE’, and more at the Daily Dish

Daily Hit: Angelina’s Nipple Issues, Greedy Martha & The Lakers, baby!

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The “shit load of smoke” hit.

Before I dive into my update, I want to say that from now these lame updates will no longer feature photos of Angelina Jolie or Paris Hilton, but a photo of a chick(s) hittin’ the sticky stuff! Yes, very disappointing, indeed. I don’t have too many photos, so I’ll probably be falling back on Angelina, Anna K & Paris very soon, so no worries Jackson. Anyway all you brave girls out there, send photos of yourself hittin’ the greens! (Please?)

Ok, moving on…

The superficial news has been pretty lame as of late. I think it might be b/c all the stars are too busy slapping the media with their own political BS so they can prove to the general public that they have money, along with brains. Pretty sad, indeed.

Of course, our favorite hottie feeds the poor, adopts the good-looking & has now turned into an activist. Yes-yes, Angelina is now a nipple activist. How sexy is that?

I still can’t get over that they airbrushed my nipples out of the posters for Lara. Look at that. No nipples. I think it’s rather strange and odd. Nipples are lovely. [contactmusic]

Angelina, we love you. Spank those anti-nipple bastards!

We go from beautiful & free Angelina to an old, wrinkly inmate named Martha Stewart. She is actually going to profit from staying in jail. I don’t know what’s worse: Madonna‘s over-indulgent Kabbalah party or this book deal?

Stewart has reportedly asked her lawyer Allen Grubman’s aides to pitch her proposed literary offering to New York publishers, while she serves her sentence in a West Virginia institution.

Can I get a unanimous, “BITTTCH!!?” I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather read other inmates’ take on Martha’s stay rather than Martha’s own bullshit version.

Ok, on to more important news: LAKERS BABY! I just want to take a second to say that Phil Jackson is a shoulder pads wearing arrogant bastard & that whenever I say Suckramento, I’m actually referring to the Sacromento Quee-I mean Kings. Here are the scores from their exhibtion games, followed with analysis.

Tue, Oct 12 Lakers 80, Seattle 87 – WHAT THE HELL?!

Sun, Oct 17 Lakers 94, Golden State 80 – No Surprise

Tue, Oct 19 Lakers 105, Sacramento 80 – HAHAHAHHAHAH

Thu, Oct 21 Lakers 88, Golden State 90 OT – What the—?

Fri, Oct 22 Lakers 113, L.A. Clippers 102 – Dude, Clippers suckass.

Sun, Oct 24 Lakers 111, Phoenix 103 – Bitches.

Mon, Oct 25 Lakers 117, Seattle 91 – Obviously, the first game was a fluke.

News: Caron Butler rocks the house at a time when the starting line-up is being discussed. Unfortunately, Odom is in a bloody slump, so he better get his mojo back into gear just incase Kobe gets any ideas of screwing any housekeepers on their various roadtrips! haha-okok! I’m sorry! And lastly, there’s finally someone who looks up to Vlade!

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