Posts from July 2014

The Bastardly: Billy & Kate Joel, Kevin Federline

 while thinking about eating a Bastardly Certified lunch by 18

I don’t know if Billy Joel is lucky or if he’s sick in the mind. I guess I’ll know for sure when I turn 55 & have desires to have wild, western sex with a 23-year old. Let’s just pretend he’s lucky. Before I continue, let’s calculate something sick: when Billy Joel was 25 years old & makin’ his hits, Kate’s parents were still more than a year away from that special night when Kate Lee was conceived. Does that even qualify as rockin’ the cradle?! Lucky bastard!

Anyway, as I write this, Billy Joel is probably poppin’ a few viagra pills & jumping into bed w/ Kate Lee for the 10th time as they fly around the world & have sex in various famous cities. You go girl! We all know that Billy Joel makes horrible music & runs a small record company by the name of COLUMBIA [fucking] HOUSE, but what does his new bird do? The AP reports,

Kate Lee, a native of Huntington, W.Va., recently graduated from Ohio’s Miami University and works as a restaurant correspondent for the PBS show “George Hirsch: Living It Up!”

Uhh…let me guess, she’s going into early retirement?

Now for another lucky bastard: Kevin Federline. Apparently he takes loans to financially participate in his new life with $100m (a.k.a. Mrs. Federline). Britney was heard saying,

Kevin pays his own way and I wouldn’t have it any other way

Raaaaaeeeat! And you don’t smoke 3 packs a day while munching on Cheetos, right? So let’s assume the lucky guy pays just 5% of all the shit—actually let me restate that. Let’s assume the luck man takes out loans to cover 5% of all the shit, so much debt does he currently have?

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Jum Nakao: Just Try To Undress My Women

 late in the evening by 0

Jum Nakao
Jum Nakao’s showcase @ Sao Paulo Fashion Week Summer 2005. Is this supposed to be some sort of contraceptive in 3rd world countries that women wear to keep horny men from getting too close? Jum, give an explanation, yo!

Stay tuned for my Spring/Summer bikini review for all you chickas & all you guys who want your women to look hot next year.

SNL: Ben Afleck, Weekend Update & Amy Poehler

 early in the evening, before sex by 7

Ben Affleck

I didn’t watch it all mainly because I forgot to TiVO it, but I saw a clip off the website.

Let’s take it from the top. Ben Affleck’s bit on Weekend Update was pretty sad. Seriously, man. Are they even trying to be funny anymore? Plus, BEN AFFLECK?!! Other people who would’ve done far better for an opener:

1. Paris Hilton - As we know she wouldn’t turn down to be in front of the camera
2. Britney Spears - She might have been busy, but a dual guest would’ve worked!
3. Anyone, BUT Affleck!

Weekend Update - They should trash the entire segment. Either they spend millions to find someone super hot & funny or don’t even bother with the two women deal. It’s just not workin’, yo.


Amy Poehler - Going back to the first one, their writers suck fat ass!

Possible Remedies

1. Fire the writers. Fuck! Did you hear that hashish joke that Amy bombed?! It just makes the people look bad.
2. Go to reality TV business & hold a national vote each show & eventually kick out one cast member each month. By the end of the season, they’ll be forced to start with a semi-fresh cast the next season. It’s a painful (and somewhat exciting) resolution, but it must be done!

Ratings - Rhona “Lara” Mitra

 late in the evening by 1

Snakey Mitra!
We can do the snake dance anytime you want, sexhay!

The terrain is pretty damn dry when you attempt to spot some noteworthy babes in the Fall 2004 Primetime Lineup. Oh well. We’re in Ugg times where the Olsen Twins are considered pretty & Keira Knightely & Britney Spears are rated #1 in various mags. Damn the acting schoosl that teach Ug-girls to bloody act better than stupid, hot ones.

ABC’s Boston Legal’s got a naughty-naughty Brit named Rhona Mitra. As I do not watch the show, I can’t go deeper than that—although, now I might consider Tivo’ing it if it doesn’t conflict with my Chappelle, Attell, poker, & DeNiro movies. Irregardless, who the hell wants to read a bullshit review on a law show, right? This is all about layin’ down da gossip & indulging in a bowl of Mitra Soup, baby! Yummy! First, let’s do the numbers, baby…

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Kerry: Rockin’ The House

 in the weewizzle hours by 2

Kerry & Edwards

I’m sure Kerry felt like a superhero today. He knew exactly what he was getting into & not surprisingly, came in w/ a butt load of facts stuffed into his head. I have to to hand it to his party, though. They seriously programmed him pretty well for tonight.

They were both pretty repetitive & if you listened carefully to the Prez, you could tell that he was being super robotic with his responses. It’s almost like they told him to listen for keywords & once he heard certain words, he’d make programmed responses. It was funnier than annoying. Although, I didn’t expect too much from either.

Oh one more thing. I made a $50 bet today that Bush would win. I am a gambler @ heart, so when I see my odds are favorable, I strike like an Indian cobra—only when I’m NOT in Vegas b/c my Vegas record is pretty shitty, to say the least. Irregardless of my own personal sentiments, there are two things I don’t argue against: The market & reality. In order for the economy & dollar to stay afloat, money needs to be spent like crazy or we spiral real quickly into deflation! Bush is doing just that. As you know, dollahs are more precious than lives (unfortunately)! Also, at times of great fear, patriotism takes hold of our minds & we unconsciously become stupid.


Rock the Vote, yo!

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