Monthly Archives: December 2004

Nick & Jessie's Days Are Numbered (Again)

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Twist Magazine clipping, January 2005. More clippings here.

First, who’s Stacie? I’m probably missing something…

Secondly, I’ll reitterate the Bastardly Prediction: They are no more by the end of summer, 2005. I have a feeling that a scandalous sex-video will put an end to Nick Lachey’s misery. I think the guy is riding out the last wave of Jessica’s fame that will crash to an end following the release of her widely awaited Dukes movie. It’s also possible he has another album that he & his crew will pull out of their asses & simply need the extra press to help swindle cash from innocent 13-year old chicks .

Jazmin Chebar's Homely, Yet Sexy Look

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Sao Paulo Fashion Week, Summer 2005

Wow. This is one of those chicks you dream of seeing on the I-15 with a flat tire on your way to Vegas! Sexy, simple & oh so scrumptious!

Her modest top accentuates the boobs wonderfully & shows off the arms. It will surely bring the tiger out of any guy! The bottom is something we don’t see girls wearing these days. Why is that? Well, these days it’s all about showing off every inch of the body. I have a feeling that respectable sexiness (yes, there is such a thing) will soon re-enter our society. Well, if it doesn’t re-enter, chicks will be walking around naked by next summer—not that we mind or anything.

Thailand's Eye Catching Pichitra Model

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Pichitra
Milan Fashion Week, 2005

Just imagine having a typical conversation with this chick over coffee. I would just stare into her eyes trying to see what kind of goodies she’s hiding inside those tiny slits…

Pichitra full Thai name is Pichitra Boonyarataphan Ruksajit. A Classic Thai name, for sure.

Want to look deeper into her eyes? Here’s one more…

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Access Hollywood's Top 10 Stars Of 2004

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But with almost 300 shows and a total of roughly 4,000 stories in 2004, a whopping 20 percent were about 10 certain celebs. [Access Hollywood]

Below are Access Hollywood’s most syndicated stars of 2004. The names are followed by our very own Bastardly predictions for the year to come.

1. Zitney - She will give birth to another Federline bastard child & in typical southern fashion be victimized by the horrors of domestic abuse once her precious Kevs cracks.

2. Beyonce - She seriously needs get a hold of her panties & gander at some photos of Jay-Z. Jay-Z resembles Beattlejuice (from Howard Stern), for God’s sake!

3. Donald Trump - He will disappear due to overexposure.

4. Michael Jackson - Will be proven innocent of charges & put those bastardly parents on trial.

5. Tom Cruise - He will finally get tired of leading a double life & come out of the closet (that is the hope every ever new year from Tommie)

6. Jessica Simpson - Newly Weds will be renamed to Newly Divorced & Dukes will most probably flop b/c the world will realize she’s merely a bimbo with big boobies who cannot sing nor act if her life depended on it. She will consider Playboy by Thanksgiving, 2005 (we hope!)

7. Camera-Whore Paris Hilton - Columnists will stop writing about Paris. She will do a fireworks show with all her “ultra-secret” & “hidden” sex videos in a desperate attempt to save her “career.” ‘[Male actors] In Paris’ include: JC-fucking-Chasez, Collin Farrell, Pauly Shore, Shaquille O’Neal, Kobe Bryant, Donald Trump, the entire Executive Board of Warner Brothers (‘Big-ass orgy in Paris’), & certain other surprise acts! Just you wait… [Playboy by Labor Day, 2006]

8. Nicole Kidman - She was ranked 8?! Wow. Good for her!!

9. Jennifer Lopez - She will stop the premium payments on her $1billion insurance policy on her ass b/c she is no more! Only way she can get back into the public eye is through the Sex Video. The Sex Video is more of a marketing technique than anything else. [Playboy by Valentines Day, 2009]

10. Whitney Houston - Didn’t she die of an overdose couple years back?

Coming To A PS2 Near You…Playboy: The Mansion

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Check out more screenshots @ GameSpy.

Now, even geeky guys who used to wack off to Lara Croft can get some play with a few of the hottest women around—Playboy Playmates, to be exact! If any of you guys have ever wasted away precious time of your life playing various simulation games that allows you to, in a sense, lead two lives—one electronic & one pathetically real, you might dig Playboy’s newest attempt to capture future magazine subscribers! In about a month, once Playboy: The Mansion releases, your second life (or third, if you choose) can be similar to that of Hugh Hefner’s. Sad, but true.

To be completely honest, my favorite part of what I played was messing around with the ladies. I’m a shy and honest guy, you see. So mixing it up and being irresponsibly amorous was a real kick. Juggling the responsibilities of publishing a magazine and building a mansion was certainly fun, but juggling around dozens of hot girls is much cooler. It was cool to hit on a girl in one room, leave her hanging for a bit, hit on a girl in another room, and return to the first girl. I’m guessing that this will be the best part of the game for many of those that buy. [GameSpy]

Like I said…Sad, but true!

Watch the video.

No Santa For Maddox Jolie

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Booya!

I don’t want to tell him Santa Claus exists when he doesn’t. I don’t know about the Easter Bunny, either. [contactmusic]

It seems that Maddox is some sort of experiment child. Angie’s giving him Mohawks, taking him to UN refugee camps, & neglecting him of all those gooey holiday feelings (i.e. buying heavily discounted gifts & exchanging the ones you receive for something you want).

Apart from holding an exclusive “All Ass Access” card to every hot girl through his life, I’m sure Maddox will turn out to be an amazing personality.

Most Google'd Searches For 2004!

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[Click photo for large image.]
Ranked third, Christina Aguilera went through a mini-transformation is now lost somewhere under 6-feet of foundation. Hopefully she’ll resurface in ’05. (She’s also a little chubby.)

To put these searches in perspective, please note that Britney topped the list with 27 billlllyyyhon searches. Crazy, huh?

1. Britney Spears
2. Paris Hilton - Please note that 93% of ‘Paris Hilton’ searches were actually typed in as ‘Paris Hilton sex video porn’.
3. Christina Aguilera
4. Pamela Anderson
5. Chat
6. Games
7. Carmen Electra
8. Orlando Bloom - Wow.
9. Harry Potter

Via Sunday Mail

Ratings - Melissa Theuriau

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FOR THE NUDE PHOTOS, PLEASE CLICK HERE!!


From Iraq to sports! She does it all, baby!

+ 7.20 - She’s no Jackie Guerrido; hair could be longer; and head larger

- 0.25 - Since she’s of European breed, she might have body hair in weird places [i.e.
armpits, bush-potential]

- 0.35 - Deduction for me having to write the last line and losing readers

+ 0.15 - She probably tans in the nude on the French Mediterranean. [Damn all rich, Jewish men!!]

- 0.08 - No boobies! But modern medicine can always solve this problem. Also, she’s fairly petite and doesn’t require huge knockers, so the deduction is not too severe.

- 0.13 - Her skull structure is too small & forces her to look too young in some photos.

+ 0.45 - She’s in the media industry so that means she’ll sleep around to get to the top! [Once again, damn all rich, Jewish media moguls!]

- 0.10 - Too much damn makeup in some photos. Cakey levels!

+ 0.25 - For that paralyzing sexy voice [listen to a sample news report]! I never knew ‘George Bush’ & ‘Iraq’ could sound so sexy!!

+ 0.15 - She’d look super hot with a bikini & a surfboard in hand.

+ 0.08 - Lips appear very deeelish.

+ 0.05 - I know other people are probably responsible for her clothes, but I think her style is excellent.

——————————-

7.27 - Strong showing from a French!

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Jenny McCarthy & Her Huge Ass Wig

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At least I think that’s a wig.

Well, Playboy chose to go to their playmate-bench to start off 2005. Is there a shortage of beautiful women or something?! I’ve seen the spread and wasn’t too impressed, but whatevs. I personally think America’s infatuation with The Blonde is over. Paris Hilton spits on this passing infatuation every time she whores herself in front of cameras. It’s very sad. 2005 will be the year of the Latina—nothing’s wrong in hoping, right?

Oh one more thing, is it just me or does Jenny look like a fucking Barbie doll? Playboy’s army of air-brushers need to put on some kind of forced-leave program for a few issues in 2005. They take their jobs way too seriously.

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The Office Wimp

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Bastards.

I leave for one day because of a maad toothache and I get slapped with a big “Wimp” Post-it behind my back. Damn them all.

The toothache wasn’t really bad, to tell you the truth. It was the painkiller. Oooh the irony! It put me & my stomach in the pits. Well, I was watching Meet the Fockers (a great movie, by the way) and half way through this movie, I was forcefully pushed on my deathbed. Within a span of 30 mins, it went from good to okay to bad to ‘God help me, I want to puke right now’.

If any of you are offered Lortab painkillers, change doctors ASAP. Those tabs were only $3.77 with the insurance, but it wasn’t worth losing around 5lbs from my already ailing figure.

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