Posts from July 2014

Wesley Snipes & His Crack Whore Issues

 while eating a Bastardly Certified lunch by 8


“You’ll never get my mojo!”

Why is Wesley Snipes suing NY City? Well, he filed the suit against the city yesterday claiming that NY had no jurisdiction to seek his DNA in a paternity suit filed in Indiana by a woman he called crack-addicted and mentally ill. Snipes wants a March arrest warrant filed against him by NY family court judge to be nullified. The warrant stems from a paternity suit filed in 2002 by a 33-year-old woman who claimed that the actor had fathered her 3-year-old son after having sex with her in a Chicago crack house. An attorney for NY City said that the suit was being evaluated. A hearing is scheduled for Wednesday. [Jam'n 4.5]

This woman is no respectable crack whore (if there is such a thing). Her name is Lanise Pettis & she’s a crack whore prostitute who does her sniffing mainly in Indiana. Well, now NYC is out to get some samples of Wesley’s man-juice, but he’s refusing to go through the trouble. He’s doing this not because he’s guilty and will be proven to be Israel’s (the kid in between all this) father, but he’s doing this because he has a problem with the technical legality of NYC’s request. Very sad.

Why do these rich brothas stoop so damn low?! This is even worse than Kobes, man! If Wes is thinking Lanise is gonna be like Kobe’s whore and chicken out of the public attention, he better think again. Lanise is an crackwhore and no power is going to come in better a crackwhore and her rocks!

For more background, go to Socialite’s Life to get info on the initial warrant issued back in March.

Cameron Diaz’s Stupidity Or Crazy Fetish?!

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Is she just really stupid, overly paranoid or merely lost in Paparazzi love?

But she’s planning to fight the photographers with her own camera and has been spotted around Hollywood with her trainer capturing the swarm of snappers who follow her everywhere. Insiders claim Diaz will use the footage to show just a jury just how terrifying her life can be at the hands of photographers - if she’s ever called to trial for attacking them. [contactmusic]

Cams, can’t you and your pet trainer take a car to the gym?! It would solve a lot of problems. Your big head and beautifully lanky bod would be protected from the paparazzi’s flashing cameras. Oh the horror!

The Bastardly Theory: Cameron & Justin hate the paparazzi so much that they’ve unconsciously fallen in love with them. Yes-yes, a love that’s rooted by hate. In a sense, they’ve become the monster they’re fighting. So, what do they do with these tapes while they’re waiting for one of these poor members of the paparazzi to crack? Well, we believe that portions of the footage is used as— I shit you not— foreplay to crazy-western-ANGRY sex. Yes, my friends. This is no expedition to gather evidence for a future trial. It’s a fucking ploy to fulfill a sick fetish in a dying relationship.

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Eva Longoria: The Philosopher

 in the weewizzle hours by 4


“I want to only have your body, not your child.”

I don’t ever want to get married again in my life. Not to be bitter about it, but I don’t see the need in today’s society to have to do that. I had a wonderful husband, he’s a great man, it was a great time in my life, but it’s past. I’ll even have kids with somebody before I get married. I just think it’s an archaic system that is not conducive in today’s society. [NSYNC Fans]

Can you dig it? She’s pretty much callin’ out all the rich bastards in Hollywood and whispering softly in their ears, “You can sleep with me & you don’t have to commit to a long drawn out relationship. Just make sure you compensate me with good roles, magazine layouts & invites to big, Hollywood parties.”

As we concluded in our last Eva post, Eva has become an expert at strategically whoring herself to achieve career goals. It’s how you get the job done in today’s superficial society.

Bastardly Memories: USF Lu’au

 in the weewizzle hours by 0

Shane - natural Vibrations
Shane of Natty Vibes

This was a crazy night—from what I can remember. I was sporting my new digital camera at a Lu’au that was going down at University of San Fran. By the end of the night my digicam was given the all sacred Corona Bath. I was a little pissed at the guy who did it, but at the end I was thankful for my 4-year Best Buy warranty!

Camera aside, it was a pretty sweet Lu’au because the USF Hawai’i Club coughed up big bucks to have Natural Vibrations as their musical act. It must have cost them around $5k, but thank God for rich kids! What would we do without them?

Anyway, the fun lit up @ the after-party. Shane and I were talking some politics (being in SF, it was a must) and I must admit, the guy is as liberal as you can get. But let’s face it, being liberal is so much more fun! He was packing like a pound of marijuana in and around his leather jacket (weird, yet cool). For all I know, he could’ve been a dealer on the side. The music industry is tough, I tell you. Tough!!


The Snake Dance. Can you handle it?

In attendance were the Chimp, Howard the Duck & the bloody Chon! Duck & Chon cut out early so they could attend to some private business (i.e. probably wild-western sex). Meanwhile, The Chimp claims to have downed two 40s, but he keeps forgetting that he’s Chinese and everyone knows that the Chinese are inherently very sneaky people! He probably poured away 75oz and then finished up the last 5ozs and was convinced he drank two 40s only because he was really drunk off the last 5ozs. Very sad, indeed. I know Jacs is probably grinning right now at our lack of staaayle when it comes to choice spirits.

Skinny & Gross Looking Lindsay Lohan

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Dude, she needs to reorder the body foundation because those freckles are blinding!

Well, I it looks like Lindsay has taken the Sharron Osbourne route to weight loss: Toothbrush, throat, puke, toilet. Yes, in that order.

The Osbournes Need Your Holiday Pity

 while eating a Bastardly Certified lunch by 0

After being robbed, I haven’t got anything, I’m skint. I usually buy the kids a watch or a piece of jewelry, or a flat-screen TV, but I don’t know how we’ll manage this year. -Sharron Osbourne [Star 100.7]

Aaaw. Isn’t that sad? No flat-screen TVs or diamond studded cell phone cases for the kids! What a shame.

The plea for pity doesn’t stop there, my friends. Sharron also recently confessed to still suffering from bulimia even though her stomach is already stapled. I’m beginning to think that Sharron is pretty f’d and merely setting herself up for a rough-rough aging process as she approaches the dark side—especially after her countless plastic surgery procedures.

Facelift, neck, breasts, lips, leg lifts, bum implant, tummy tuck. I’ve had it all and it is fabulous. How lucky I was to find Ozzy? [NY Daily News]

Very sad, indeed.

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