Monthly Archives: January 2005

The Classic Meth Makeover!

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You know those reality makeover shows? Well, this a ghettofied version. It’s a simple 5 step process:

1. Take photo of person living a happy life
2. Await a catalyst that sends them spiraling into deep-deep depression (i.e. death in family, loss of job, heavy debt, etc)
3. Leave some meth on the kitchen counter
4. Wait 6 months
5. Take another photo to frighten & shock little kids so they will stay away from meth.

For more before/after photos (you know you want to see them!), go to Oregon Live’s collection!

Drunken Verne Troyer In Pee-Peeland

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Verne Troyer Scooter Peeing Drunk

Yes this is old, but bear with me. It’s for those of you lame people who missed out on the first show.

Sorry girls, Verne’s baby’s arm-length penis is not visible in the photo. His apparent drunkenness & not to mention, huge-ass stomach might be responsible in concealing his one-eyed dragon.

Another photo to follow.

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Richard Sandrak: Freak Or The Next Arnold

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Richard eats vegetables, fruits, cereal, oatmeal, soups, salads, chicken, fish. He does not eat food containing butter or animal fats.

Richard also takes accent reduction and classes to improve his acting. [NY Post]

This little kid has big dreams. I’m talking Ahhhhnaaawld-size dreams. Well, if you’re unemployed or a houseparent, then you’ll see Mini-Arnie on Dr. Phil’s show tomorrow morning. From all the shows out there, the guy choose bloody Dr. Phil—the same Bald-mofo who slept w/—yes, slept with—Oprah to gain fame & fortune for himself. Bastard. Ok, sorry for that minor digression.

Straight from Richard’s Profile Page, let’s run through the basics for you lazy people. Richard is 12-1/2 years old, weighs a lean 100lbs & sports 12″ biceps & a 35″ chest. The kid is literally a monster, I tell you!

While you’re on his site, make sure you check out the photos. He apparently gets a lot of Ukranian ass, so good for him! All the hard is paying off, baby.

Kurt Cobain’s Journals: Masturbating Problems

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I sleep on a queen-sized bed. On one half, I sleep (actually a little less than that), on the other half rests my mini-library of books that temporarily warm the coveted spot reserved for my future S. American wifie who will one day (hopefully not in the too distant future) sleep snuggled up beside me. Ok-ok, enough daydreaming.

The excerpt below was rudely pulled from Kurt Cobain’s Journals. There are many interesting reads in the book, so I’ll be sure to pull out one every now & then for a Bastardly analysis. I don’t know how many of you people know, but Kurty was a damn funny guy when he wasn’t busy sticking foreign objects into himself. But I have to admit, some of his best journal entries came when he was high�

I am a male. age 23 and I am lactating. my breasts have never been so sore. not even after receiving Titty twisters from bully-school mates. They had hair down there long before I stopped playing with dolls. I haven�t stopped playing with dolls. I havent masturbated in months because Ive lost my imagination. I close my eyes and I see my father, little girls, german shepards & TV news commentators, but no voluptuous, pouty lipped, naked-female sex kittens, wincing in ecstasy from the illusory positions Ive conjured up in my mind. No, when I close my eyes I see lizards & flipper babies, the ones who were born deformed because their mothers took bad birth control pills.

I am seriously afraid to touch myself.

Geri Halliwell’s Jackoesque Nose

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Geri Halliwell

From nostril-size abnormalities to the “I got a rubix cube surgrically implanted inside my nose,” Geri really needs to reconsider her plastic surgery future.

In an attempt to diagonose this problem, I fall back on two problems:

1. She’s either trying to grow a second nose or
2. She’s going to the same, money-hungry plastic surgeon as Michael Jackson.

Ok, Michael Jackson’s Fucked!

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Sorry for the harsh language, but there is no other way to put it. Read the vomit-inducing statement below by the bastardly DA & feel sorry for the whitest brotha on the planet:

Some depict children nude. Some depict adults who appear to be the age of our children (in the case). All of which, taken together, indicates the defendant’s prurient interest in children, particularly boys. [Reuters]

After reading that, I don’t know whether to feel sick at the shit that was found or increase my hatred for all heartless lawyers.

The items permissible as evidence include ’17 books, 32 magazines, two DVDs, four computers and 23 other magazines from 1936 that Jackson’s lawyers called collector’s items’. Oh boy. Not good. Definitely not good.

Michael how could you dig yourself such a big hole? You have millions in the bank. Furthermore, you have royalties pouring in (literally) from some of the most popular & lucrative tunes ever composed. Why did you have to go piss off the police!

The dirty police fucking planted that shit & they know it. How did they exactly screw Michael Jackson up the ass? That’s for another post, another day, boys & girls…

Angelina @ The World Economic Forum

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Here’s Angelina giving every shady politician & filthy rich investment banker a simultaneous hard-on.

Among the powerful & elite, there is a beautiful woman trying to get money, food & medicine for the poor & suffering. Will she be successful? Possibly. If she can just sleep w/ the right person during the week long forum, anything can happen.

Anything.

As we all know, money makes our capitalist world go round & round. In the complex equation that makes rich men part w/ their hard earned (or stolen) money, there is one simple variable. The variable of sex. Think about it. If Bill Gates has secret sexual relations with Angelina for a period of 6-8 months, Sri Lanka & Indonesia could be lookin’ like Chicago & NYC in no time!

God have mercy on Angelina Jolie.

Chyna’s A Smarty

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In a recent interview by My Way, Chyna was asked this simple question: “What’s the most misunderstood thing about you Chyna?” Her response:

That I’m stupid. I speak five languages, and I love to read. I studied Spanish literature and I did it in Spanish so I would learn how to speak Spanish. One of my dreams has always been to be on a Spanish soap opera — they wear bumblebee outfits!

Bubblebee outfits…riiiight. It was also revealed that Chyna hates Verne Troyer…a lot.

Mini-Me is a little b*tch!… I don’t care how short he is.

So what’s she saying? Dwarfs can’t be bitches? I think her animosity toward the biggest-smallest pimp in the world may have something to do w/ him kicking her slimy, manwhoresque-ass out of his midget bedroom. Classic.

The Bastardly Rumors

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* People claim that Kevin Federline was recently in Vegas without his Amex-card-wifie & slept with some other chick. [KISS FM 102.7]

* Oh no! Britney thinks she might be infertile. How’s that for a lame rumor? Well, it was recently reported by Star Magazine in order to sell a few copies. [Star 100.7]

* After taking 250k lives & leaving countless kids orphaned, Angelina Jolie is saying that she wants to go on an adoption spree! Who are the lucky kids going to be?! [Digital Spy]

* The conceited camera-whore speaks:

I can carry my own show. – Paris Hilton, [Reality TV World]

* Lastly, this is no rumor, but here are the controversial lyrics to the Tsunami Song made by stupid bastards @ NYC’s Hot97. In order to keep their jobs, the staff is donating one-week’s pay to the victims. How nice of them to buy their way out. How faded do you have to be to write something like this just a month after the disaster?!

There was a time, when the sun was shining bright
So I went down to the beach to catch me a tan
Then the next thing I knew, a wave 20 feet high
Came and washed your whole country away

And all at once, you can hear the screaming chinks
And no one was saved from the wave
There were Africans drowning, little Chinamen swept away
You can hear God laughing, ‘Swim you bitches swim.’

[Chorus]
So now you’re screwed, it’s the tsunami,
You better run and kiss your ass away, go find your mommy
I just saw her float by, a tree went through her head
And now your children will be sold to child slavery

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