Monthly Archives: January 2005

Hilton Sisters Continue Whoring Campaign!

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A. How can she possibly expect a guy to go through dinner wearing that?! Seriously, man. Since when did the fashion of the upper class take a turn for prostitution-wear? It might be because she’s lookin’ for some action after her oh so painful divorce. Poor thing!

B. Elder tried very hard to go the conservative slut route, but didn’t work as planned. Her A-cups couldn’t escape their cage this night. Although, an inch more south-west & she would’ve made it into at least a couple tabloids. Also a little off topic, but where is that fucking Chihuahua? Did it die or what?

He Said, She Slapped

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In response to a post on another weblog, I commented:

Dude, this is true with a lot of girls. As you get older & older, your standards get tougher & tougher until one day you get fed up of not finding anyone. That’s when you get in trouble b/c out of desperation, you’ll probably end up making an irrational decision one day & marry off with the wrong guy. You know what happens after that…a long, hopelessly tragic love life full of sex, scandal, money & god knows what else.

So what’s the moral of the story for all you girls?! Lower your standards a few notches & give me a call! I’m kidding!

In response to my comment, another chick (of course!) slapped back with:

Moe - If you said that to me in person, I’d kick your ass so hard and so fast you wouldn’t know what happened. Heh.

Ok, I admit it, I might have said a little more than necessary, but I thought the point I was trying to make was so obvious.

Irregardless, there’s a second moral to this story & it’s very simple. To keep from getting your ass beaten (possibly in a public place with, God forbid, your friends close by), don’t tell girls their standards are too high.*

*It’s okay to communicate such opinions over email, letters, or telephone provided you will not be seeing the girl in question for a few days.

Bastardly Books: Hetty by Charles Slack

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Hetty

Unfortunately, for the last few days sickness has taken over my body & I’ve drugged myself up in a dire attempt to recover as quickly as possible. That never happens, does it? Well, as I lay on my back & sit on my ass for hours on end, I had a chance to read a couple books that I’d been meaning to attack for a few weeks. Here’s a mini-review on the one I just finished.

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In Touch Mag's Plastic Surgery Guesses…

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In their current issue floating around, In Touch mag makes some pretty obvious guesses as to who has been under the scalpel.

As you might already know, we commend women for taking the plastic surgery step. It’s a tough call. Should one pay for beauty or suffer with a crooked nose until death? Duh! Pay the bucks & get it bigger, tighter, straighter, plumper, etc etc. But always keep a photo of Michael Jackson or ‘Lil Kim in your wallet to serve as a frightening reminder of what might happen if you get one too many cookies out of the cookie jar.

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ABC's Lost: Maggie Grace's Hairy Encounter!

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Jorge Garcia enjoying the time of his life @ the Golden Globes. Damn him.

Dude, I wonder if Maggie Grace had stub-wounds after Jorge Garcia’s bear hug? Damn guy is getting more action than me. I seriously have gain 200lbs & be more aggressive with women. Ok-ok, I’m being mean.

But it doesn’t hurt to speculate, right? This affection could be because….

1. Jorge has an abnormally large penis
2. He has lots of money on the side
3. Maggie whores herself (after all, it’s Hollywooood, baby!)
4. Maggie was piss drunk
5. Jorge is gay & Maggie’s comfortable being bear hugged

Anyway, if you guys don’t know, these two are on ABC’s Lost. I have yet to watch a single episode, but that doesn’t mean it sucks ass or anything.

A couple more photos to follow. No yacking, please.

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Eva Longoria Givin' Yoga Lessons For Life Mag

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Life magazine’s (I seriously thought they went out of business like 10 years ago) latest issue includes snaps of Eva doing some yoga. Hmm. Seems like a desperate attempt to sell some magazines. Although I have to admit, it’s an ingenious plan by their marketing department. I might just have to hit up Barnes & Noble to check this one out over a nice, hot cappuccino.

Also, along w/ the Life magazine photos, there are a few paparazzi photos of the same shoot. There are some nice ones, so don’t miss em! Eva is lookin’ pretty good for being almost 30!

A note to all girls out there: Screw Atkins & get your booties signed up for Yoga classes! Please send us before/after photos. Like always, we’ll do expert analysis on your bod!

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Snooper Bowl In Da Haaaooouse

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Snoop Dogg, Steelers Brotha!

“I keep hearing about mutha fucking Harry Potter. Who is this muthafucka?” -Snoop Dogg

Football has a lot to do with life. You got to learn how to take your losses. You gotta look out for the team like they look out for you. [NY Daily News]

NY Daily recently learned that Snoop wants to coach the bloody Pittsburg Steelers. Yes—the NFL team that recently got slapped & missed out on the big party. You might think how can an gangsta rapper, pimp & moviestah be a coach of an NFL team?

Believe it or not, but Snoop apparently has a lot going for him.

1. He has endless hours of football experience with his brothas on the small screen. We’re talkin’ about every damn Maddan Football released since the Sega Genesis, baby!

2. Survival tactics. From his gangsta days, Snoop knows the importance of understanding the competitive advantages of the neighboring gangs—their key weapons, the routes they run, etc, etc.

3. He’s currently the head coach of his son, Spanky’s, football team. In order to help ice games, Snoop gets one of his brothas to secretly videotape opponent games for further review before Spanky’s team goes up against them.

In response to the videotaping rumor, Snoop’s response is pretty classic & worth mentioning:

It’s completely legal. We definitely scout to know what we’re up against.

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