Monthly Archives: January 2005

A Bastardly Question: Do Chicks Dig Shaved Butts?

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Yes, a very sick question & by far one of the grossest posts on The Bastardly—yes even worse than that Michael Jackson Halloween mask post! Irregardless, it’s one of those subconscious questions that we all think about & it was recently answered on a message board in the form of a short, but absolutely hilarious, story.

The Quick Answer: It doesn’t matter what girls think. It’s just not worth it. Shaved butts are simply not the way to go!

Anyway, if you’re completely immature or simply want to laugh at something as if you were a 5th grader all over again, read the following story recently posted on Stern Fan Network. Oh yeah, get hold of a brown bag just incase you feel a little queezy…

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Bastardly Memories: 4-Leaf Clover

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That 4-leaf clover is not courtesy of Photoshop, my friends. It’s the real deal, baby. I found it on a stroll through a forest during a camping trip with friends in Boonville, Cali. Another friend claimed she saw it first, but I swear to you, I bloody saw it and had it in my hands before hearing anything from her snakey mouth. Some people will do anything to get a piece of luck on their side. Damn them.

Well, the trip to Mexican Mike’s apple farm in Booneville was a long-long awaited one. We did some skeet shooting, took a long tour of the entire apple farm & of course, a lot of people got pretty wasted.

Anyway, if you’re ever driving along Highway 128, make sure to stop off at Mexican Mike’s fruit stand and pick up a small glass of apple cider. You’ll be love.

Then again, if apple cider doesn’t do it for you, I’m sure you’ll enjoy Boonville’s very own beer! For those of you who haven’t, make sure you hit up the annual Boonville Beer Festival in the springtime. You won’t remember what hit you after you experience utter drunkenness under the sun. Note: Kids, don’t forget your fake IDs!

Marble Slab & Jermaine O'Neal

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I was at Marble Slab the other day & discovered yet another combo that works out well (for me, that is). Granola & pecans w/ sweet cream (my standard flavor). Oh man. Sweet cream is to die for, man. I know I probably get ripped off every time I pay 4 bucks for a flavor that costs around 5 cents to make, but whatevs! It’s only money, right?

Now, on to the NBA & the greatest fan-beatdown in sports history. I was listening to Jim Rome a few Fridays ago (a little old, I know) and he had on Jermaine O’neal from the Indiana Pacers. If some of you live under a rock or possibly in Iraq or Afghanistan, then JO was one of the guys who got into that brawl in D-Town a while back. Actually, he was the dude who ran across the court to punch out some bastard who was asking for an ass-kicking. In Jermainne’s words, he was protecting his team & it all happened in the heat of the moment. Very understandable.

From the interview, it sounds like Jermaine is just a damn nice guy who was caught up in a really bad situation. Who the hell can blame him? There were 1000s of fans against 12 or so players, for God’s sake. Jermaine & the others are merely being tagged by the bastard-media as violent black men, who listen to gangsta rap, carry around guns & do cocaine on their spare time (and not to mention, sleep with scandalous, housekeeping whores in Kobe’s case). It’s all bullshit, I tell you (except for Kobe—that bastard).

1-800-333-LINK

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Oh the places we find love…

I decided to call up my service provider EarthLink today b/c my Internet was acting screwy. I didn’t know the number & was too damn lazy to get up off my ass to find it, so I naturally tried to guess (yeah, I’m pretty sad like that).

I used the Lazy Ass Scientific Method that involves 1% logic & 99% guessing. I had one piece of information in hand:

1. My dish service provider’s number is 1-800-333-DISH.

Conclusion: EarthLink’s number is probably 1-800-333-LINK

Ring-Ring went the phone & on came a lady saying, “ooooh yeah, baby—” [hang-up]

Try it yourself, kiddos!

Courtney Love Wants A Crackless Life

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Courtney Love

Life is about choices, and I’ve chosen to move forward with my life in a healthy and positive way. Having my daughter back with me is exciting. I am looking forward to the future and continuing to entertain and create great music. I really appreciate the encouragement and support I’ve received from my fans and the community. [Launch]

Courtney Love released the above statement last week upon regaining custody of her daughter, Frances. The judge must have been hung-over or on crack when he came to the decision.

Courtney, Courtney, Courtney. Forget about choices, think about the number of chances you’ve gotten to get your life back in order! It’s just not in the books, man. Courtney Love will always be a crack-, heroin- & methwhore and there is nothing she can do about it. It’s out of her control now. I just hope that Frances pulls through all this unscathed.

I just don’t get it one thing. How can such a smart guy like Kurt Cobain fall for a woman like Courtney Love?! Does love really make you so stupid? If so, I hope I never fall in love.

More hot photos of Court to follow.

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Ratings: Jaymee Ong

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+7.50 - She’s 1/2 Australian and 1/2 CHINESE!!! Oh baby!!! Ni Hao Ma? G’day mate?

+0.27 - Listening to that Australian accent spoken from such a fine piece of Chinese yumminess!!! Oooohhhhwwweeee!!!!!!!

+1.00 - The parents would be much happier with me bringing her home instead of my Colombian fantasies. She speaks fluent Chinese!!!!

-0.88 - Breastsessess!??!?!!?

-0.41 - I’m pissed b/c I can’t find any of the movies she’s worked on since Rave Fever even though imdb.com says they exist!

+0.27 - How can you not be mesmerized by those eyes????

-0.17 - Doesn’t keep hair long all the time as we bastardly folks like it that way…

-0.13 - Posibbly even skinnier than Paris Hilton.

-0.11 - Most recent thing I’ve seen of her is those shots of her from the show Las Vegas.

+0.04 - Still has the potential to make it in Hollywood.

-0.09 - To my knowledge there are no nude pics whatsoever of her tastiness…. no Playboy.

-0.06 - Unknown about current marital status…

+0.08 - To my knowledge has not dated that tool JC Chasez.

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7.31 - Total Score

So what if I’m bias towards these 1/2 Chinese beauties! I’m the one writing this so screw you all! Anyways…so she’s 1/2 Chinese, speaks with the Australian accent, and speaks fluent Chinese too! Relatively unknown amongst the masses but she’s what wet dreams are made of for Chinese boys. Mom and Dad…I’m going to make you proud bring home a girl just like this!!!

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Richard Hatch: Dumbass, Greedy Bastard

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Read the rest @ The Smoking Gun.

Seriously. I really thought contestants on that show were much smarter than this.

If you read the full document, you’ll find out that Richard Hatch evaded the IRS not once, but twice! Once w/ the million & another time when filing taxes for an S-corporation of which he was the sole shareholder. What the hell was he thinking?! For a period of a few months he was the biggest name on television—even employees of the fucking IRS were watching the show, for God’s sake!

Let’s hope he can survive ass raping attempts when he heads to jail for a few years. Actually, I think he might enjoy it.

[oooooh, damn! That was a low blow.]

Nipple Alert: Airane Sommer

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I know, the arrow is a little unnecessary.

Event: 2005 Golden Globe Awards

Don’t know who Airane Sommer is? Good. We don’t either. Although we do know that she’s some German party animal (similar to the American breed, Paris Hilton) who gets access to various Hollywood events by whoring herself to famous people (also, similar to Paris Hilton).

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