MoeJackson

We can bullshit all we want about the break-up, but deep down we know & understand the truth. The truth of the matter is that Brad gave Jenny the boot and for that very reason we could see a myriad of scenarios play through, but the end result will undoubtedly be a period of great depression & heavy drug use. I’m sorry, Jennifer, but that’s just how it goes in Hollywooood.

Jennifer’s Initial Reaction (3-9 Months)

1. Hit the scandalous party circuit and whore herself until one day she looks in the mirror
2. Travel abroad, away from the paparazzi, and then whore herself to the rich until she looks in the mirror
3. Hook up with some old, rich dude “who loves her and takes care of her”

Long-term Damage (1-3 years)

1. Alcoholism (most common in the poor, but very possible)
2. Drugas (weed or cocaine. Most probably cocaine since she’s loaded)
3. Crystal Meth (not really. I just think that’s a super, hardcore drug)
4. Lots of plastic surgery - This is because she’ll have a internal-character crisis
5. Anorexia/bulimia - Same reason as in No. 4.

Following one of those, she’ll resurface with either a book or movie that will most probably flop since she can’t act if her life depended on it.

We wish her luck & a safe-safe journey to superficial hell & back! YOU CAN DO IT!

Here’s Brad on one of those fake “look at us, we’re a happily married couple” vacations with Jennifer. Curiously, Jenny’s not around.

Surprise, surprise.

With Mr. & Mrs. Smith a good 5 months away, you figure that gives Brad Pitt ample time to move Jennifer Aniston out of the house he built in Beverly Hills. Let’s face it, Jennifer Aniston’s will only be known for 2 things: Friends & the woman who unsuccessfully tried to have Brad Pitt’s baby.

Once May rolls around, you figure Brad will be on the road with you know who! Yes-yes, my friends, he’ll be on the road with the one and only Angelina Jolie plugging his new flick all around the country & the world. Lucky son-of-a-bitch! Just think…all those late night premieres followed by extravagant dinner partaays & then ending with long, passionate love-making sessions with Angelina! Ow!

Ok, since a lot of stuff was said in the press release, let’s feed it all into our Separation Translator and see what we get:

We would like to announce that after seven years together we have decided to formally separate. [Yahoo]

Separation Translator: There is no action. No kids. Sex sucks ass. Angelina is hot as hell. Angelina is single, too! I want to sleep around. It’s Friday night, baby!

For those who follow these sorts of things, we would like to explain that our separation is not the result of any speculation reported by the tabloid media.

Separation Translator: Actually, all you whores were right, but I just wanted to make sure that we don’t give you credit. Damn you media bitches! All of you!

We happily remain committed and caring friends with great love and admiration for one another.

Separation Translator: “Our love & admiration is so great that we can’t live & sleep together ever again.”

Thanks to Jenna for the heads up on this one!