Monthly Archives: January 2005

Sweetest Ass "Conference"

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Ms Desert Sun

Straight from their schedule of events:

Arrival - You will be met at Phoenix Sky Harbor International�s baggage claim area by pre-arranged transportation and driven in a comfortable vehicle to the James Hotel�s impressive entry court. The models will greet you with a lei and a tropical beverage as the bellmen and front desk breeze you through check in. You may then join other attendees at the �J� bar or poolside for complimentary cocktails or retire to your room to rest up for the evening reception and cocktail party.

6:00 pm - Follow 75 models to the poolside cocktail reception. Relax and chat with the girls. Our Hosts will say a few words while you eat and work up a complimentary buzz.

8:00 pm - The evening�s final destination will be announced and the group will venture to valet and board transportation to the special event.

After Hours - What happens in Scottsdale, stays in Scottsdale.

Conference my ass! Talk about fucking scandalous!!

So what exactly is this Ms. Desert Sun thing? Well, on the site, it’s tagged as the “Ultimate weekend forum for internet traffic & marketing professionals.” So that basically covers your run-of-the-mill spammers & 90% of all nerdy webmasters out there. Lucky bastards!

For all of you who just clicked over to the site, you probably just found out this babefest (more like milfish strippers) of a conference is not free (yes, damn capitalism!). Then again, they give a $200 discount to those who register early, so I’m sure it wouldn’t be so bad considering the entire thing revolves around a bikini contest & puckering up with hot chicks all weekend, right?

Very Shady Operation!

Yes, shady in that I feel this conference is merely a front for either a huge, undercover whorehouse or one big bachelor party. I just can’t see it being a place where I’d exchange biz cards with another geek who you know has dirty thoughts floating around in his head. It’s more of a place where you’re trying to figure out who you want to sleep with now that the wifie is not around. We live in a super scandalous society, so everything’s game, baby!

Now, let’s check out some photos from previous events. I swear, these chicks are all strippers! It’s so damn obvious.

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Personality Type: The Backstabber

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It’s perfectly natural if a particular face flashed into your mind after reading the title. It’s always good to remember those who we must watch out for as we tread through our robotic lives.

The Backstabber is yet another special personality type. Special, because it is The Backstabber & Backstabber alone, who keeps us between a prosperous life & a life full of poverty, hatred & depression (even a murderous life, if we choose to take it that far). For the sake of my own sanity & hopefully your own, I’m creating a list of Backstabberly characteristics that we must all memorize and attempt to pin onto people we live, work & play amongst. No one must be left out! It is a question of life & death, my friends. For safety, use the ‘3 strikes & you’re a fucking Backstabber’ rule.

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Seal Pops The Question On Heidi Klum

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God, they’re gonna have some cool lookin’ mulatto babies.

We affianced on a glacier in Whistler (Canada). We reached this beautiful place by helicopter one day before Christmas Eve. It was a unique experience. [Heidi Klum]

Yes. A fucking glacier!

At first look, they’re kind of an odd couple, but if you dig a little deeper, you can see each has their own sexual agenda & ultimately are a perfect fit for one another.

1. Coming from Germany, Heidi’s naturally used to the larger penises & the American men just don’t do it for her.
2. As for Mr. Seal, it’s much simpler. Every blackman fantasizes about The Sacred White Meat, so who the hell would turn down a WHITE SUPERMODEL?! Not Seal.

At the end & from a superficial standpoint, they are the best of their own worlds. Seal is as thuggish you can get, while Heidi pretty much represents the perfect, white female.

Paris Caught Stealing 'One Night In Paris'?

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Who’s the odd one out?

Paris was reportedly concerned that some of her young fans who shop at the store might see it and get the wrong impression of her. [JAM’N 94.5]

‘Might get the wrong impression’? Hah. She can’t possibly be that naïve, can she?! Well, maybe. Anyway, the store clerk reportedly called the police on Paris, but nothing has come about. Jail is possibly the only way Paris will stop whoring herself to the media and to random, rich men in hotel rooms across the nation (while the camcorder’s rollin’).

In other Paris news…

A few guys in Calitown might just have found a Paris Hilton Repellant. They’ve devised an ingenius plan in which they simply pop in the wildly popular One Night In Paris tape while Paris Hilton is nearby and boom! Paris Hilton, in her $1500 Jimmy Choo stilletos & all, jams the other way! Good work, guys!

It was priceless. She burst into tears, turned on her heels and left. -Paris Hilton Repellant Co-Inventor. [Contactmusic]

25-lb Mischa Barton Victim Of Bear Hug

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I wonder how it feels bear hugging a lifeless body?

An innocent vacation in Hawaii nearly turned deadly. Her boyfriend, Brandon Davis, squeezed a little too hard and boom! Mischa had a fractured ribcage and suffered some other minor internal injuries. Who can blame the poor guy?

MISCHA, get off the fucking Lamb Urine, Jell-O-eating, Enema-injecting diet! Spend some of your millions on FOOD, woman!

Top 3 Superficial Weight Loss Programs

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Does this finally classify him as a FREAK?!

The Jell-O Malkovich - This is a simple 7 month program in which you ingest nothing but Jell-O. Please keep sugar to an absolute minimum. You are allowed to wash the Jell-O down with either more Jell-O or water. John M did this diet and supposedly lost 70lbs! Crazy Mo-Fo!

Elton John’s Secret Urine - Actually it’s not really Elton’s urine you’ll have to inject into your body, but that of a lamb. Since Elton John is still fat, angry, overrated & annoying, I don’t think the lamb urine is going anywhere except maybe to his abnormally large head.

Lastly, we have The King of Pop Enema Diet - It’s a very simple diet. After a weekend full of overeating, gluttonous fun, you’ll naturally feel yourself getting a little fatter. Don’t fear! You can simply administer a small dose of enemas up ass. If you’re not really into inserting crap up your ass, you can always grab a syringe and inject the goods into your body. This has been working wonders for Michael Jackson for years & it can do the same for you!

Star 100.7 via NY Post

Is Jessica Simpson The Dumbest Celeb Ever?

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My mom was so worried that because of my long body and dwarf legs, I would grow up looking strange. So, every night, before I went to bed, she would pull them and stretch them so they would be in proportion with the rest of my body. Jessica Simpson [Star 100.7]

Too bad there wasn’t a way to increase the number of brain cells inside her head.

Well, she’s lucky she’s blonde, has huge big boobs and a pimp as a father. That combination will never fail in capitalism.

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