Posts from July 2014

The Perfect Match: Paris Dating Paris

 after a late four martini lunch by 25

Paris (pictured above) might look like a 2-cent surfer with the bleached hair & overall “I don’t give shit about anything” look, but he’s actually some Greek dude with around $5billion to his name. Lucky whore (both Paris & Paris)!

You have to admit, Paris Hilton does her research before she pounces on penis! Both, Paris & Paris were in Los Angeles to celebrate Paris Hilton’s birthday.

Expect the sex tape (titled, ‘Paris Does Herself’ to hit the black-market sometime around April.

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Luisana Lopilato Models The Latest Gottex!

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I hope all you girls are planning your summer styles well in advance b/c us guys wanna see you all lookin’ sexay on the sand. There’s nothing like going to the beach & admiring beautiful women swimming around in da nude, but since that only happens in the our dreams & on exotic Medditerrean beaches, we wouldn’t mind seeing you in these super sexy styles by Gottex. God have mercy.

For all you guys who want to know more about Luisana Lopilato, browse with caution. Surprisingly, this girl is only 17, but no worries, you bastards. She’ll be of legal age this May 18th (per this website). Oh yeah, two more things. Luisana’s Argentinean & apparently those are NOT implants (very doubtful)! I bet “girl” has heard of her b/c Luisana is apparently a big star down in S. America.

Anyway, enjoy the photos!

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Jordan Bratman Is One Lucky Bastard

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He must have hooked up Christina big-time in order to get her in the sack. Plus, I don’t know if you guys saw Christina’s new rock, but that thing will get any woman to say yes (to anything, for that matter).

A rock of that size & cut will obviously have amazing pawing potential, so I think even I (a heterosexual male) would have to think twice about it. Yes, that sounds kind of homosexual, but it’s all in the name of a large chunk of ice, baby!

Anyway, we’re very happy for Jordan Bratman b/c the guy gives hope to the large population of guys who aren’t gifted with Brad Pitt looks & 15-inch penises. Always remember, in order to get hot, rich women in the sack, all you need is money & power, baby. There is truth in that statement, God damn it!

Celeb Lawsuits & Tax Deductions

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Clearly, the only reason for even reporting this story is because of Ms. Olsen’s fame-not any public interest in Mr. Sartiano’s activities. [E! Online]

Duh!

People are probably thinking, ‘Poor girl, she’ll have to spend so much money protecting her ass by fighting American Media (parent company of the National Enquirer).’ Think again, my friends! It’s more than likely that 100% of the legal fees she will incur in the next couple months battling the National Enquirer will be tax deductible!

Sounds like complete bullshit, huh?

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The Flaws Of The Lindsay Lohan Doll

 in the weewizzle hours by 25

Lindsay Lohan Doll

Clean-cut doll on the left. Broken-down, used & abused whore (real life Lindsay Lohan) on the right.

Although a distant second behind the evil marketing of Ass’ “Autobiography” album, the Lindsay Lohan doll is part of a hideous marketing scheme directed at innocent girls & horny, little boys. Dude, for one thing, the doll has A-cups! A-CUPS! I know putting huge boobies on a doll would look weird, but if you’re gonna make something realistic, you can’t skip out on a major feature. What the hell were the designers thinking? Maybe it was a strategy to cut costs by using less plastic?! Cheap bastards.

Secondly, apart from the freckles on her face (see next page), the doll could be Angelina Jolie for all we know. The only way to tell this is a Lindsay Lohan doll is by reading the box & seeing her name scribbled on some director’s chair that you get w/ the doll (how nice of them).

Flip to the next page to see more photos.

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Too. Much. Hotness.

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Phew! Thank God Natalie Portman is not that hot. haha. I’m kidding, all you Star Wars geeks & Natalie Portman fans!! You know I love you—except those of you sick bastards who dress up as fucking Yoda & wait in long ass lines in front of some random movie theater to buy MOVIE TICKETS!! Seriously!

That brings me to an unforgettable story that none of you will read, but I will put it here to fill space (and piss off all die hard Star Wars fans)! This will be quick, so try to follow to the best of your abilities.

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Kelly Osbourne Needs Drugs & Food…Now!

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Kelly Monster Osbourne

I hate doing this, but I swear to you, it’s not my fault. I don’t know whether I liked her w/ the 300lb wig or when you couldn’t see her eyes.

We can be thankful for one thing, though. Kelly Osbourne, unlike Ass, was strong enough to give up singing.

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