Posts from July 2014

Eva Mendes Sexes Up The March, 2005 Esquire

 around evening with martini & women in hand by 16

Eva Mendes Esquire

Wow. Eva is pretty much begging you to take her home with you. Damn you, Eva. Damn you!

This is one of the hottest covers I’ve seen in a while. They should seriously have more Latinas cover girls b/c let’s face reality, baby—the muchachas do wonders for magazine sales!

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Nipple Alert! Is Bai Ling The Chinese Paris Hilton?

 while eating a Bastardly Certified lunch by 70

Screw the nipple.

I’ve been noticing that every outfit that Bai Ling wears is either super weird & ugly or carelessly reveals her 1/2-cup boobies. Her scandalous clothing brings up another important point. Does Bai Ling have the potential to turn into the Chinese Paris Hilton? That would be quite an accomplishment, no doubt.

I think there’s a huge market a Bai Ling sex video. The Chinese became 1.3 billion strong a couple months back w/ the birth of a little boy, so just think about it! Moreover, there are select few white guys who dig the oriental meat (we all know one of them), so add that to the bottom-line & my God.

Bai Ling needs to act quickly on the sex video thing before the next Star Wars release. It could do wonders @ the box-office!

For those who want to see nipple, go to the next page.

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Kevin Federline’s Detail Mag Outtakes

 in the weewizzle hours by 7


He looks like he just won the lottery. Oh wait…he did! Bastard.

Finally a source of income for the poor bugger! Maybe he can pay for a movie or gas one of these when he’s hangin’ out with Amex/Wife.

Kevin, bro, what the hell are you doing?! Why work when you can live off the dumb hillbilly? Just feed her tons of Cheetos & Mocha Frapicinos until she’s fat & immobile. Then she’ll pay your ass to stick around!

More photos to follow.

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Paris Hilton & The Tao Of Pussy

 late in the evening by 8


Outside, before doing Letterman.

I’m sorry-I’m sorry, but the title is totally justified by the contents of the photo. Just look at her. She’s completely in her element. And those guys behind her? There are literally slobbering all over themselves in order to get a piece of Paris. One guy even wants her to sign a Priority Mail envelope, for God’s sake!

America’s Next Top Model 4 Chikas

 in the middle of the afternoon by 21

I have yet to watch an entire episode (mostly because I couldn’t stand a cocky Tyra), but that doesn’t mean I can’t pick America’s Next Top Model. It can’t be rocket science, right?

My top 3 guesses:
* Brittany
* Brandi
* Rebecca

Ok, without further adoodoo, let’s get it onnn…

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Christina Milian & The Wrinkled Penis Sandwich

 while eating a Bastardly Certified lunch by 3


Here’s Steven Tyler spitting & breathing on Christina.

Ok, let’s see. Steven Tyler is like 88 & John Travolta is about to hit 80 (rounding to the nearest 80), so combined penis age is roughly 168-year old! Son of a bitch. Ok, enough of that calculation. Let’s talk more about the meat.

Christina Milian. Oh baby. I’ve known this for a while, but Christina has a super solid bod! Let’s just say that dress accentuates certain body paaats real well. It’s too bad she had to present the award w/ those two horny manwhores.

A larger photo is on the following page.

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Christina Engaged! Official Over/Under

 while thinking about eating a Bastardly Certified lunch by 1

So yes, apart from the little award show last weekend, there was a marriage proposal that tried to sneak through the media.

Nice try, Christina & Jordan.

Although there are no photos, I’m sure the proposal brought a smile or at least, some sort of facial expression on Mr. Bratman’s pouty face. Apart from making fun of Star Jones, Kelly Osbourne & Paris Hilton, we’re also in the business of predicting the length of superficial marriages in the entertainment industry.

Over/Under Analysis
+2 - Years - Seeing as to how Mr. Bratman is a successful music exec I can see him putting up w/ the bullshit that probably comes with Christina.

+7 - Months - These two have a good history with no breakups or separations. They are apparently 2 years strong.

-8 - Months - Christina, as we all know, goes through phase changes—drastic ones, at times. With that in hand, I wouldn’t be surprised if one of her phase changes involves tossing Mr. Bratman out of her life as she transforms herself into another famous person from entertainment history.

-3 - Month - Her Marilyn Monroe phase is literally a ticking bomb, so only God knows when she’ll move on. Let’s hope that when Christina decides to move on to her next phase, Jordan Bratman’s part of it…

Official count: 18-Months

So there you have it. 18-months is the bet. My bet is under b/c 2 years is already a damn long time. They’ll be fed up of each other by Thanksgiving, 2006 (if they get married in the next 3 months).

If you can guess the exact number of months, there’s a free T-shirt in it for you.

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