Posts from July 2014

The Art Of Dumbass Police Bullshitting

 late in the evening by 1

Bald Jackson

While a Jacko’s life on the line, the press proceeds to research whether Michael wears a bloody wig.

He told me specifically about two events. He believes it happened between five to seven times. He could not articulate what happened but believed it happened five to seven times. [Yahoo!]

That’s the dumbass Santa Barbara County Sheriff’s Sgt. Steve Robel recalling what one of the kids told him once. The jury needs to be full of complete idiots to believe this type of bullshit. That’s not enough, my friends. This whorebag of a cop shits on the jury even more, except this time he opts for the “pity the poor kid” statement.

I immediately noticed a major change in (his) demeanor. He became very, very quiet, folded his arms and sunk down in the chair. At one point in time he got a little choked up.

Aaaaw. A little choked up, huh? He choked up b/c he knew that if he didn’t lie well enough, his mom would beat the shit out of him & abandon his ass. Let’s pray these greedy, selfish parents will soon be dragged out on the street and stripped of everything.

Nick Carter Spirals Further Into Paris Depression!

 around evening with martini & women in hand by 13

Nick Carter

Yes, Backstreet girls, I’m going to hell.

So our predictions were right. One of Nick’s bastard “friends” was overheard saying nasty things about Nick’s current state of mind.

He still hasn’t got over her. He begged her to get back together but she wanted to continue playing the field. [Female First]

Aaah, friends! You gotta love ‘em, baby.

I’m still waiting to see a photo of Nick staring at that tattoo on his arm. He should be happy that he banged Paris to his heart’s content—there are only 50-60 guys who can make that claim—and even fewer w/ video proof! Nick cannot compete against The Male Paris. Paris whored Nick around b/c he was famous & when he became useless to her, she threw him away like a dirty, used condom.

Sorry, Nicky. Use this depressed state of mind to write a song (only one song, please) about how Paris screwed you in the ass in front of the the entire world (a la J. Trousersnake).

April’s GQ: Jessica Alba One Step Closer To Playboy!

 in the weewizzle hours by 103

GQ April JEssica Alba

One word: Wow!

Now that you’ve gotten me good and drunk, you probably want to know about that stripping thing. [GQ]

Note to all actresses: If you have a big movie releasing & your career is career on its success, make sure you do a super provocative shoot for one of the biggest mags in the world just a couple weeks before the movie opens! Jessica Alba has adhered to this formula to the dot & the results are simply amazing.

Head to your local Barnes & Nobles to get a piece of this action.

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Heidi Klum + Seal + Crazy, Wild Sex = Baby!

 late in the evening by 731

Her rep had no comment on the pregnancy but a friend reported to Star Magazine, “She is pregnant [and] they are very, very happy.� [Blogging Baby]

Oh-oh! Looks like someone had unprotected sex on Valentine’s day! Heidi Klum obviously doesn’t believe in contraceptives b/c only 11 months following the birth of her daughter, she goes & gets hit up w/ Seal’s kid. It’s either the contraceptives theory or quite simply that Heidi is a sluttaroo!

If history repeats itself, Seal should be out of the picture sometime around July. By August, Heidi will find another man to service her sexy bod & repeat the process all over again.

Look below if you want to see a scary photo of Seal.

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Kevin Feds Has Hygiene Issues

 late in the evening by 13

K. Feds & Britney

Amy Wood, who dated Kevin six years ago, says he wouldn’t shower or brush his teeth because he didn’t care what he looked or smelled like. She says, “When we used to go to Vegas, he would gamble for two days without sleeping, Then he’d catch some shut-eye for a few hours and go back to the casino.” You’d think though, that after six years he might have gotten his act together, right? Not so, says a friend of Kevin’s most recent ex, Shar Jackson. She says Kevin would go for days without taking a bath or shower. [San Diego's Star 100.7]

SO WHAT?!

The guy has millions at his disposal & I’m sure the last thing on his mind is hitting up the shower or putting on some deodorant. Plus, Britney doesn’t seem to give a shit herself & if the AMEX Card don’t minds, it don’t mattas!

Justin: Wake Up & Smell The Ladies!

 early in the evening, before sex by 6

Justin, dude, bro, brotha…wake up & smell the old, crazy-woman scent that wreaks out of Cammy’s bod. You are wasting your youth in a lady who will one day either go to jail for killing a poor, Mexican member of the paparazzi or to the insane asylum for just plain losing it.

* There are plenty of hotties out there that can entertain you. Jessica Alba, for one. She’s w/ some no-name dude who goes by ‘Cash’. Seriously, man. How could you miss out on her?

* Vanessa Bryant is a selfish, greedy money-mongering whore, but that doesn’t mean she’s not good in bed! Get a piece of this one before she falls victim to time.

* If you’re looking for respectability & hotness in one package, look no further than Ms. Mandy Moore. Oh my!

* If you’re looking to go bag an exotic animal from Asia, hit up Bai Ling. I’m sure she’ll rip you up in bed real well.

What I’m trying to say is that sleeping around w/ what the industry has to offer is far better than risking your life & reputation w/ Cameron Diaz. Cameron is on the way down from which ever way you look at it—especially from an emotional standpoint! This lady is about to crack & I wouldn’t really want to be around when she explodes.

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The Hillz Starring Paris Hilton

 early in the evening, before sex by 3

On working with Paris Hilton, who co-stars in “THE HILLZ” as Heather Smith, the object of every guy’s desire, Barnun said, “Paris Hilton was a pleasure to work with. There was never any attitude with her from the first day that I met her. She worked for me for free; she even did her own hair and makeup. Paris also ate the same Jack in the Box, Pizza Hut and 99 Cents Store craft services as everyone else. I told her she could get her lunch from The Ivy but she just ordered a turkey sandwich with no mayo from Subway.” [About]

I didn’t even have an idea that this movie even existed. My bad.

Well, from the looks of the comment above, it appears that the 20-something Mr. Barnun either:

1. Got a piece of Paris (most likely)
2. Had a vigorous make-out session with Paris (also likely)
3. Paris helped to fund the project w/ Daddy’s money, and/or of course,
4. All of the above.

Also, if you’re interesting in extending Paris’ career in front of the camera (the paparazzi type), you can purchase the video here.

Serena & Venus Willams: Please Stop!

 after a late four martini lunch by 2


Style Mag

Will someone please send these two a short memo telling them to stop trying to make fashion statements. Seriously, it hurts me every time I see photos of the two b/c I know countless guys around the world—brothas included—crack jokes upon jokes at their looks.

Let’s not bullshit ourselves, now. Serena is about 90lbs (of less muscle) & an entire female body away from looking remotely hot. Venus, on the other hand, has a better shot, but only after she shortens up that blinding, 7-inch forehead to repair her receding hairline problem & trades in her horse-teeth for normal-sized ones.

Of course, an easier (and less painful) solution would be to simply buy up a huge patch of land in Antarctica & stay away from prying cameras.

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