Monthly Archives: April 2005

Tom Cruise’s Homosexuality & Katie Holmes

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Here they are after doing drugs & having plenty of sex.

First of all, I gotta give props to Katie Holmes for dressing so deliciously hot on this special day. Talk about sexy! She has seriously been out of the limelight for so long & suddenly she pulls the rug out from under everyone & starts to date a gay / possibly bi-sexual / definitely metro-sexual Tom Cruise.

Can you believe this girl?! All this time, I thought she was smart! Then again, it’s possible Katie’s a smart girl after all once we further analyze the scandalous nature of her motivations.

On that note, let’s contemplate this Bastardly Question: Is this relationship merely a celebrity stunt on behalf both parties?

1. Katie: She wants to kill two birds with one stone. First, fulfill a selfish desire to ride the Cruise Mobile before it gets too old & shrively (doesn’t every girl?). This will give her lifetime bragging rights to all her mom’s friends & MILFs, in general. Secondly (the more likely reason), she has around four movies releasing in the next year (one of them is Batman Begins).
2. Tommie: This one’s much simpler. He wants to use Katie as a prop (Lisa-Marie/Michael Jackson-style) in order to help disprove rumors of his homosexuality?

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Boobie Double: Nicole Richie & Saggy Boobs

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Nicole Richie should either stop losing weight or stay out of the public eye. What is up these chicks wanting to look 20lbs?! It not sexy at all.

Nicole Richie looks like she has nothing to do all day except for toiling around at a yuppy tanning salon & sticking toothbrushes up her throat after every meal. Yum.

In one continuous motion, grab your handy airline yackbag & yack-away!

Muppets Wizard of Oz Premiere: Miss Piggy Unmasked!

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Evan Agostini, a photographer for Getty Images, is a very shrewd man, to say the least. He’s also the same guy who snapped Ashley Olsen’s mini-boob (definitely not something for the portfolio) & proved to the world that the Olsen Monkeys are indeed aging—even though it’s happening at an extremely slow pace.

Anyway, this past weekend, Evan was busy doing a little more investigative work for Getty Images. Of the millions of other photographers in NYC, Evan had the tenacity to get his ass to the premiere of “The Muppets Wizard of Oz” at the Tribeca Family Festival a little earlier than everyone else—so early that he saw, none other than, Miss Piggy putting on her bloody mask! Can you believe this guy?!

Exactly who did he see?! Unlike Ashley’s mini-boob, this was not as big of a surprise…

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Thoughts…

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This is absolutely morbid topic, one that perhaps people may shy away from. I, however will not.

Why you may ask, how I came about this subject to begin with? Dark times my friends, dark times. Again, although still at my tender age, I am in a great depression. Don’t be fooled … every single person in the world goes through great depressions. I am just one of those people who like to talk about it.

As the days go by, I ask myself why I’m alive … what purpose do I actually have on this earth? The answer? I have no fuckin idea. I will admit, I’ve had thoughts of suicide so many times. What would happen? Who would care? What difference would it make? My answer to that? I’m too smart. I’m too smart but to lazy. In this boorish and mundane world that I live in, as much as it would be so nice to end it all … I still wouldn’t be living. Dammit!!! Doesn’t it suck to be too smart? Sometimes I wish I was ignorant. I wish I didn’t know any better and just do it. But I’m too smart. Too smart to know that it would cause my parents heartache, my brother and his family devastation, and to my friends a question of why?

It would be so easy right? But then that would be it. Which deters me away from the thoughts itself. I am only one person in this whole wide world, but that still doesn’t make me any less important. Maybe its not being important to the people you wish you were to. Maybe its the way they make you feel like you are nothing. Maybe its the fact that you put everything you have it something and no one gives a god freakin damn. I think I deserve some credit. I’ve done a lot. But no one cares. Am I that self-centered? Quite possibly yes. I’m sorry if I feel like I’m not getting what I deserve. After all the things I’ve done. I deserve something. Yet, I am too rational, to sane to do anything about it.

I am a drama queen to its full effect. One of those who acts and motions normally, but deep fuckin down inside … I am the epitome. I like to rouse people to get attention. I like to make things up to get people interested. I am the worse kind of person. But I am me none the less. I wear masks everyday. One for every different person I met. Will I ever be my true self? Will anyone know the real me? Maybe a few.

So again, you ask why are you telling me this? What purpose does this have to be posted on the internet for the whole world to see? I just need to get it out … and I have no one to talk to. It helps me ease my mind that maybe one other person in this world feels the way I do. I know that its petty for me to think that MY PROBLEMS are the only problems in the world. I know that there are people who are starving, people who are so less fortunate than me … I know these things. But I still feel the way I feel. And it is still valid. I’m not asking for anything from anyone. Hell I don’t even ask people to read this whole freakin post. I just need to get it out.

Depression sucks. It hits everyone at one point in time. Sometimes its so hardcore, other times its just a brief thought.

Thanks for listening.

Kurt Cobain Lost His Wallet Many Times

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A manic depressive on smack floating in a warm deprevation tank, singing leonard cohen, masturbating, watching golfers fish while dreaming of A stamp collection.

The king of words is: EVERYthing

I can only fuck and sing.
Have you ever felt like you cared so much that you wanted kill your Germs?

Who will be the king and Queen of the outcasts?

I’ve lost my MIND many times, and my
wallet many more.
In the simplest of terms:

1. Dont Rape
2. Dont be predjudice
3. Dont be sexist
4. Love your children
5. Love your Neighbor
6. Love yourself

Don’t let your opinions obstruct
the aforementioned list. [pg 104, Kurt Cobain Journals]

After listening to all the hate splurting out on another post, I figured I’d let the man himself respond. Remember, we hear at the bastardly are about love. If you’re hot, we love you a little more!

Angry Cameron Diaz Explodes…Again!

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Here’s Angry Cam showing some love as she leaves LA’s Il Sole restaurant w/ Justin. Justin’s hiding in the car.

How many times does a celebrity have to attack poor photographers before the law will intervene & finally lock up their high-class, celebrity ass. I’m afraid that one day Angry Cammies might resort to something serious like attempt to run over someone or, God forbid, shoot someone with a gun. Bottomline: That bitch be craaaayzeeee!

Angry Cammie, it’s not the paparazzi’s fault that you’re not as beautiful as you used to be. It’s also not their fault that Justin can throw your ass out the door & not look back! Just simmmah down, sistah!

On to something more juicy & irrelevant to the post. As some of you might remember, the last time a showdown occurred, Angry Cams stole some dude’s camera & Justin tried to do a dance off. Regardless of what happens in any of these tense situations, let’s contemplate what happens afterward once both, Angry Cammie & Justin, are at home.

We foresee two possible scenarios:

1. Justin has to listen to Angry Cams bitch for a few hours about how she hates being such a beautiful celebrity, having so much clout in the industry, and blah, blah, blah
2. And, secondly (the more likely scenario), Angry Cams forces Justin to dress up like a paparazzi (she has a fetish) & then proceeds to beat up on him in typical, crazy, Angry-Cameron-Diaz style. Following the initial physical abuse phase, Angry Cameron proceeds to rip off all articles of clothing in sight & literally dives into the craziest, multiple orgasm-ridden lovemaking session known to man. All this while, Justin is merely her prop, but he doesn’t seem to mind.

Official Paris Hilton Friendship Test

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By know, the whole world knows that Paris Hilton gets jacked every once in a while by one of her ‘close’ ‘friends’. To help filter these bastards out of her busy life, Paris has devised a new test. Worry not Paris fans if you don’t have a pen & paper or printer handy, this overly superficial, yet helpful, tip will be included in Paris’ new book!

A good friend is someone who is honest . . . I’ll test them by telling them something and seeing if it will get out. If it gets out, I know that it was them. [May 2005 ElleGirl via Hot 99.5]

On another topic, let’s take a second to analyze the psychology of crazy teens who worship Paris Hilton. While on the ElleGirl site (a co-worker showed me, you bastards!), I saw these thoughtful comments go through the wires (look to the right side):

True, Paris and Nicole not being friends is odd. Its like the red m&m not being in commercials with the yellow m&m.

* This has to be a joke. If not, suspect is lost somewhere between crazy & dumb.

congrats to paris!she is a huge role model to me and i hope their relationship lasts!good luck paris!and also,her bf is HOT!

* Needs to be locked up & given therapy. Lots of therapy.

Kobe’s Bullshit Recommitment Ceremony

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Vanessa Bryant was bought like a high-class whore recently & Kobe had to only pay $50k.

The L.A. Lakers star shelled out $50,000 this week for a recommitment ceremony with his wife, Vanessa, who stood by him after he was accused of raping a hotel concierge two years ago. The intimate celebration, attended by just the two of them, was held Thursday in Crystal Cove, a pristine state park in Laguna Beach, Calif. “It was very, very private,” a source close to the event told the NY Daily News. All the companies involved had to sign confidentiality agreements, and park rangers were also sworn to secrecy. The ceremony marked the fourth anniversary of the couple’s April 2001 wedding. Not only did the couple deal with the affair and allegations of rape last year, but Bryant missed three games this month to be with Vanessa after she had an ectopic pregnancy. [Hot 99.5 Washington]

It’s funny how the writer straight-up calls Kobes a rapist (dirty, scandalous one, mind you).

There are very few men who can:

1. Cheat on their wife
2. Tell her what happened (‘honestly’)
3. And then, shell out $50k for a recommitment ceremony so they can have sex again

There are even fewer men (Bill Clinton) out there who can:

1. Cheat on their wife
2. Rape a shady, poor, hooker / housekeeper
3. Tell his wife what happened (‘honestly’)
4. Then continue to humiliate her in front of millions of people (on national television)
5. And then, shell out $50k for a recommitment ceremony so they can have sex again

There’s only one thing I can conclude from all this: Kobe’s money attracts whores. It’s a pity for him that one of his whores (Vanessa) stuck onto his balls & now won’t let go. She has successfully conned him out of 10-carat rings, mansions, cars & now a bloody recommitment ceremony. Now that Vanessa’s trying to have kids, I don’t see this marriage lasting too long.

Liz Hurley’s Indian Transformation Nearly Complete

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Liz adorned her beautiful bod w/ an amazing sari. She was on display @ the Red Hot Pink Party last week in support of breast cancer research.

The sari must have run Arun Nayar at least $5k (chump-change for the Indian pimpdaddy) . The kind of work seen on this particular sari probably required the labor of countless 5-year olds over a period of 6 months, but the end result is obviously magnificent! Let’s hope the tailor (and his low-waged slaves) were well compensated for their work.

Look below for a few more snaps of Liz.

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Reese Witherspoon (a.k.a. Khalen) Next America’s Top Model Winner!

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The D-List reports that Tyra killed all the other girls one night after she got a little upset except for Khalen, who’s currently in critical condition in the ER. By default, Khalen was announced the winner.

Damn! I was really pulling for Brittany even though I’ve only seen small clips of Rebecca fainting & Angry Tyra’s huge meltdown.

I still can’t believe Angry-Bitchy-Tyra used “defeatist attitude” in her verbal assault on that poor, little, single mommy, Tiffany. I’m hoping for a lawsuit against Angry Tyra to hit the wires soon, but chances of thatt happening look pretty slim considering how Tiffany’s convinced that Tyra loves her (dumbass model). In a recent interview with About.com, Tiffany explains how she felt that exact moment as Tyra was slappin’ her ass around.

Oh my goodness. Was I mad at her? I wanted to hit her! I was so upset with her at that moment after she told me shut up. My mom doesn’t even tell me shut up because when she tells me shut up, I’m not going to hear anything after. I’m going to roll my eyes and suck my teeth. I’m not going to hear anything! So at the moment, I didn’t hear anything else that she said. I was just like ‘Whatever, get out of my face.’ But when I came home and watched it and heard everything that she said, like when she said ‘My mom yells at me like this because she loves me.’ At the moment, I was thinking ‘But you ain’t my momma.’ But with me watching, I’m like this lady really cares about me. [About.com]

How sweet would it have been if Tiffany jumped on Tyra & pounded away? God, I hope they do some special catfight on Pay-Per-View. I’d seriously pay upwards of $30 for that shit.

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