I’m known as this retard. I want to grow up. I don’t want to be the drunk girl. It hurts my feelings when you guys write stuff about me. It’s not just me - it affects everyone around me. I just want everyone to leave me alone - let me graduate. It’s like I’m in college and you guys won’t let me get my degree. [Buzzle]
Aaaaw, look who won’t be attending graduation again this year….
Yes, yes kiddos….it’s another one of those rice rocket shows where hordes of horny boys come out to look at cars they wish they had and get cheaps feels off local girls who think they are import models.
But I’m not here to write about that crap…. I’m here to focus on the fact that Ms. Hiromi Oshima will be in Seattle. And hmm….who else resides in the Emerald City…. none other than (as steve puts it) the v-man himself….Mr. Varian Gray!!!
Should we cue up the Peaches and Herb? “reunited and it feels so good…..”
In a perfect bastardly world we’d have Hiromi hook up w/ Varian once she gets into Seattle….she thanks him for all that he’s done for her by engaging in marathon sex where she is forced to cancel her appearance at the show due to dehydration from the loss of electrolytes while betrothed in multiple sessions w/ Varian’s trousersnake.
…or how about this one. Varian goes to the show; sees Hiromi (tear), sees her scandalous mgmt crew (grrrr), and rains hell on all their jabroni asses as Hiromi is now free from their coporate control. Carries her out of the show (ala An Officer and A Gentleman) as we cue up some Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes ” Love lift us up where we belong…” oh…and yeah, they proceed to engage in marathon sex.
Okay….I’m a sucka for happy endings.
My opinion….I say Hiromi should get at Varian when she’s here; do some crying for him, get on her knees, and then proceed to have sex w/ him. Then….she should give us a Bastardly Interview and give me and Fas an all-access pu-tang-tang pass to the Playboy Mansion (where she’d hook me up with Playmates Jennifer Walcott and Lauren Michelle Hill at the same time).
What will happen? Will she contact Varian once in Seattle? Will she thank him for launching her? Will they engage in marathon sex?
May 19th, 2005.
As we approach the release of the newest Star Wars, we should be seeing far more skankier photos of Bai Ling. I wonder how much clothing she’ll wear to the premiere?!
Below is a photo of Bai Ling leaning on a rice-rocket. Yummy!
So yeah, it’s quite obvious that Lindsay has changed. A little. Teenage girls across the country are probably wondering how this happened so rapidly & what they can do to go through a similar transformation. With a little snooping around, we discovered that our 18-year old princess/whore used a simple 3-step process:
1. Attend high-profile parties & blow on either high-profile penis or the white, powdery stuff. Do one or both until you are forced to rush to the restroom to puke out your brains—or at least whatever you ate that particular day.
2. Repeat at least 5-6 nights of the week for 3 months.
3. Lastly, whore your body to anyone & anything that wants you. Regardless of age (Bruce Willis) or stature (Verne Troyer), have sex at least 4x a week (minimum).
Of course, the more you do, the better! Check out the results below…
Some people may be famous for creating a pencil sharpener. I’m famous for my tits. [Ask Men]
Ok, I wouldn’t expect much from Katie Price after hearing her spit out that bs, but isn’t this going a little too far? Dude, her obscenely large boobies & soon to-be obscenely large stomach are in direct competition w/ precious real estate.
Oh & what was the occasion for her getting so ho’d up? The 2005 British Book Awards (a.k.a. ‘The Nibbies‘).
There’s one more photo, but before scrolling below, make sure you squint a little.
In the May issue of Vogue, Donatella Versace sounds off about her 17-year affair w/ Mr. Crack Cocaine. 17-years, man. So, how on earth does someone stop sniffin’ the goods after 17-bloody-years?
I had so much fun. I had the best time of my life.
[Donatella Versace- Vogue Magazine, May 2005 via The Santa Fe New Mexican]
There you have it kids. Start doing cocaine because it beats watching TV, playing videogames & sports & for all you older people, it’s much wilder than alcohol & weed (put together!). You can grab a stash of The Big C if can manage to hit up any high-profile parties or if your network isn’t so strong, just head to the local ghettos & talk to some shady brothas.
But, when the lights die down & the parties stop becoming fun, you can quit! Donatella explains her secret…
I stopped using cocaine because of what happened. I couldn’t go late to work, because Gianni wasn’t there. I had to organize my company, my family. My whole life changed completely. I didn’t even think about doing it. But it wasn’t as though I was going to stop my behavior forever. I wish I had.
I was crying, laughing, crying, sleeping _ I couldn’t understand when I was talking; people couldn’t understand me. I think if I didn’t go (to rehab) I would have died.
Apart from the small prospect of death & people not understanding what the fuck she was talking about when she came to work after doing a few lines, it was HER INABILITY TO SLEEP IN that forced Donatella’s ass to “quit” crack. If her ass didn’t quit, she would’ve become a crackwhore on the streets of Italy rather than the Empress of Versace.
I don’t care what Donatella says, but when you do coke for 17 years, no amount of rehab is going to stop you from heading back to Mr. Sniffy-sniffy. Then again, it looks kinda weird being the only 50-year old doing lines in a group of beautifully anorexic 20-somethings.
I haven’t been hearing any noise from The Ass Campaign lately. We can only hope that she’s not working on some big, secret project that she’ll later dump on the American public.
Anyway, screw her work & let’s get down to the dirt. Were these two younguns ever dating? I think Ass was just something Ryan would hit up if they were both on tour & by chance, happened to be in the same city (and he couldn’t find any other chicks to fool around with).
We’re just friends now. We got really, really involved when we were together, but the music business makes us so busy. Her dad always told us, ‘You’re going to get too busy and it’s going to be impossible.’ But you can’t help it when you love someone. Now, if we get to see each other, then we hang out and we go on dates. So we have, but we both do our own thing.
We’re both single. [Latina Magazine via Asslee Fan Site]
Yep. After reading how he stressed their ‘single’ status at the end, I’m now convinced Ass was just that—a piece of ass that Ryan would slap around every now & then (when he couldn’t get his slimy hands on cuter asses to slap around).
Well, it looks like even the random explorations of Ass’ sexy bod will need to stop now that Ryan is playing around w/ his latest toy—Shelly Hennig. She was 2004’s Miss Teen USA (whatever that is). Doesn’t Playboy Playmate, Kari Ann Peniche, hold that title? Even though Shelly’s pretty hot & definitely an upgrade over Ass, I gotta say that Kari Ann’s far cuter. All in all, Ryan Cabs is on the right track.
I have to admit, Star Jones has lost a lot of weight! You go, Stah!! We wish her best of luck in her diet of endless sessions of sex. I hope I put a beautiful image of a naked Star Jones prancing around her love pad trying to find Al Reynolds’ secret “I-don’t-want-to-have-sex-with-Star-Jones” hiding place.
On that note, let’s all stare at Melania Trump’s extremely large boobs…