Posts from September 2014

The Bastardly Accused Of Being Soft Porn!

 late in the evening by 7

I heard it on the Sidewok Radio.

Isn’t everything soft porn these days, though? Let’s admit it, soft porn is hot, baby!

Regardless, props to Jackson for all his hard work in finding the various sexy Latina, D. Beckham & Angelina photos! Just wait till he unveils his big surprise next week!

Also, it’s a pity that none of you visitors are listening to the THMezzanine on Sidewok b/c they’re literally giving away a free Bastardly T.

LIVE TONIGHT!!!

 early in the evening, before sex by 1

+

= awesome internet radio!

Yes ladies and gentleman its Monday again … Please tune in to sidewok radio and listen to The Heterogeneous Mezzanine for YOUR cure for the Monday’s.

Tonight we are starting at 8pm pst for all the east coasters.

Special feature tonight .. some local bands from the bay area and a moejackson.com shirt give-away!! You better start studying your Bastardly trivia! Hit us up on the aim-sidewokradio. A FREE BASTARDLY SHIRT WILL BE GIVEN!!!!! Sorry Jackson, Moe and myself will not be eligible for the free shirt… Damn, I need one too … since I gave mine away!

Later

Da Ali G Show: Da Compleet First Seazon

 after a late four martini lunch by 3

Solid stuff. Borat & Bruno are quite possibly two of the funniest characters to come out since bloody Wayne & Garth. Simply amazing.

I’m probably the only guy in the western hemisphere who hadn’t seen an episode of the Ali G show until I popped in the DVD last night. If there’s someone else also lives under a rock, please do check this out. It’ll be the dumbest shit you’ll ever watch, but I can guarantee a few laughs.

Respect.

Now for personal favorites:

* Bruno visits the gayest place in the US…Alabama! The interview w/ that player was classic!
* Borat goes to the baseball game sings a 5-min long Kazakhstanian national anthem. Oh man.
* Borat visits the south & presistently inquires about purchasing a slave for himself.
* Borat goes to the dating agency. “If she cheat on me, I crush ha wheat maa own haaands.”
* Bruno goes to the fashion show. That’s some of the gayest shit on tv, baby! You gotta love it!!

Word.

Funny Links & Ali G Stuff

* Sacha Baron Cohen gives commencement speech @ Harvard.
* Ali G Homepage

See below for a full transcript of the Ali G’s speech. The only reason I have it pasted below is b/c HBO might take their version down one of these days.

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Why Does Ashton Kutcher Love MILFs

 while thinking about eating a Bastardly Certified lunch by 8


Demi lookin’ like a man.

There has to be some logical reason why Ashton Kutcher’s head is stuck far-far up Demi’s ass. Does Demi Moore give great oral? Is she a madwoman in bed? Or is Ashton in love with her kids so much that he wants to be with their mother? There has to be something, right? Maybe the reason is far simpler & superficial like possibly it’s a trendy thing to be with women 15-20 years your senior?

So what’s the connection that binds these two?

Who knows. All I know is that I was at some mall in Atlanta yesterday & saw a huge-ass poster of Ashton holding his hot, co-star Amanda Peet from their upcoming movie, A Lot Like Love. First I felt a little sad that Ashton was missing out on some major Phuntaaay, but then it hit me that Ashton is not a dumbass like most normal guys think he might be for coming home to Demi Moore every night of the week when he could be sleeping around with younger & far sexier Hollywood socialites like J. Alba & Mandy Moore. (And Gloria, yes, that last sentence was a run-on.)

So why is Ashton sexing up Demi Moore?

With Demi by his side, the powerful, Hollywood network is all around him.

Demi is Hollywood Gold, so to speak. Her wrinkled paws are in the pants of every powerful producer & director in the industry, so how the hell can you beat that, right?! Ashton knows this & what’s sad is that Demi probably knows that Ashton knows, but neither gives a shit. Ashton reaps great roles & powerful investors for his new restaurants & in exchange, Demi gets to ride Ashton’s 27-year old penis. It’s kind of like a business transaction that leaves both parties smiling.

It’s purely superficial & sexual, my friends. So who’s the real genius?! Ashton or Demi? Who knows & who cares.

* Read a super annoying convo between the two lovebirds

Donnie Darko - The Director’s Cut

 in the weewizzle hours by 5

I’ve seen this movie a bizillion times but I just think its soooo good. I believe the original film came out in about 2001 or so … I remember the first time I watched it. I was sitting at my brothers house with the lights all out at 2am … man it was freaky!!!

So the Director’s Cut of the film was released last summer and the Dvd came out like months ago. I recommend watching the director’s cut just cause it explains so much more. I was a little lost the first time I watched. I’m slow though … so if you watch maybe you’ll get it.

Anyway … If you haven’t heard of this movie please please go watch it. It will blow you away. I don’t want to give any of it away but it stars the very Handsome and Acutally THE first Crush of the week I ever wrote … Jake Gyllenhaal. It also stars his sister Maggie and some other people too. I believe the genre might be Sci-Fi but I’m not quite sure. Watch it and let me know what you think. And if you have already watched it … Let me know what you think too!

Japanese Hottie @ Coach’s Tokyo Press Conference

 early in the evening, before sex by 29


Oh my god! She has a nose, eyes & solid lips!! Rock on!

I know I’m gonna get shit for this, but I’ll come out and say it any way. Most Japanese chicks don’t turn me on. My apologies go out to all Japanese hotties who’ve (unfortunately) found this post. But, my friends, that’s only my initial reaction to these super quiet, sexual beasts (a.k.a. Japanese Chicks). Even though they’re all mostly featureless when it comes to the bod-department, I gotta say, I’ve met some ultra-freaky Japanese chicks.

There was this one chick in college that had a new hicky every day of the week—I don’t know whether it was a freaky boyfriend issue or what, but multiple hickies in a single week automatically throws you in the ‘I’m-freaky-in-bed’ category. So yeah, I guess you can’t have it all, right? Their crazy, animal-style rage in bed compensates for their lack of boobies, voluptuous asses & facial characteristics. But, is the trade off worth it? Tough call…

Ok, now that my Japanese Girl Theory is out, let’s talk about this hottie pictured above! Oh man. Anyone (possibly Varian?) know this chick? She’s got that elusive hot girl look on her face & I’m really diggin’ it. It might be b/c she’s standing really close to Mandy Moore & Mandy’s hotness-vibes are carrying over on to her. Regardless of whether she’s super hot in person or not, I wouldn’t mind eating sushi off that bod. Ow!

Here are a few more photos of this chick & from the press conference.

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