Posts from July 2014

Paris Hilton & Pamela Anderson: Bald. That's Hot!

 after a late four martini lunch by 12

The man-jaw coupled w/ the bald head is a frightening combo for Paris. Let’s just say that the bald head works for some people (Natalie Portman) & not for others.

If a bald Paris wasn’t enough, check out her role model, Pam Anderson.

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Natalie Portman. Bald. Cannes. Perky Nipples.

 around evening with martini & women in hand by 8

The search engines will love that title.

Anyway, this is a pretty superficial & perverted post, so getting too deep is out of the question. Although, I’ll leave ya’ll with a semi-deep question that you can discuss in your Bastardly Essay (yes, the same essay that can WIN YOUR ASS A FREE BASTARDLY SHIRT!!!).

The Question: Does crazy nipple action like the one we see above & below classify as a wardrobe malfunction?

Discuss.

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A Bastardly Choice Of Words

 around evening with martini & women in hand by 5

Michele, who we recently learned is not North Korean, touched up on the all-important subject of omitting useless words from her daily vernacular. So w/out further ado, here’s her personal list straight from her site:

Words/phrases I need to say less:
Like
Seriously
I Cut You
Eah? (A grunt used upon being unexpectedly beckoned)
You suck
Whatever
Whore
Sweet
I Hate You
Awesome
Dude
N-i-i-ih-ce (only the extended version)
I Kill You
What the f*ck?
I love the smell of napalm in the morning. [I Eat Rice]

I would pretty much speak broken english w/out half that list. Very sad, indeed. Since my vocab is almost of a 10-year old skater living in So. Cal., my essentials include:

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Eva's Chasin' The Light Saber Penis

 after a late four martini lunch by 9


Eva & Hayden in Cannes

Who was saying that Hayden Christensen is gay?

Actually, Hayden Christensen might just be gay (which is cool w/ us), but Eva Longoria still wants a piece whether he wants a piece of her or not. The lady doesn’t understand straight & gay concepts. She understands only the language of the Penis. In short, where there is a penis, there must also be Eva Longoria. The bottom line is simple: Eva’s a sexaholic beast of a woman, my friends. The lady is seriously on the balls of anyone whose name is NOT J.C. Chasez, but I guess just as long as J.C. doesn’t see her having sex w/ another dude, it’s all fair game, right?

J.C., we’ve said this before, but dude, smell the other items on the Latina menu & leave Eva to the rest of the male population on planet earth. You might end up catching some funky STD one of these days when you’re sitting on the porch twiddling your thumbs (waiting for NSYNC to make a comeback).

UPDATE: Thanks to NorCalGirl, we’ve learned that Hayden, similar to Tommie Cruise & Vinn Deisel, is still in the closet. It’s very understandly as the guy’s gotta keep up the heterosexual Darth image right now or G. Luke will eat his balls. [Socialitelife]

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Choose Your Slut: Crazy Or Lazy Eyed?

 while eating a Bastardly Certified lunch by 12

What else could you ask for?!

In other news, Nick Carter is finally coming to the realization that he was a complete dumbass to ever think that Paris Hilton could ever genuinely love another human being. In response to some harsh words from Paris, Nick responds with something truly depressing.

The problem with Paris is that she thrives off of hurting other people, and it’s not just me. [MTV]

At least he acknowledges that Paris is immature for her age. Good for him!

George Lucas' Sets Record For Longest Chineck

 late in the evening by 5

My God. He has enjoyed one too many steaks. On that note, a few questions arise:

1. How much food can G. Luke store inside his chineck? And, now long can he survive thereafter.
2. How much food can he swallow at once without choking?
3. Is it hard to shave it since it seems pretty watery?
4. What does he more resemble: A walrus or a stork?

Here’s the rest of the photo w/ Nat Ports.

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Paris Hilton Spreads Her Sexual Looove Overseas

 while thinking about eating a Bastardly Certified lunch by 4


It looks like he’s about to take a bite.

Surprise, surprise. She’s currently sleeping w/ some billionaire dude whose name is also Paris & now she’s whoring herself to a huge gladiator. The girl’s gotta keep her scandalous image, right?

Regardless, BJ recently wrote in with a link to JÖNTÃœRK with a few photos of Paris on a foreign television show in Turkey. Here’s an excerpt from his email:

Paris Hilton appeared live on Sunday on the popular
German entertainment show Wetten, dass…?, which was
filmed from the ancient Roman amphitheater of Aspendos
near the Mediterranean resort of Antalya in Turkey.

She stayed only 10 minutes on the show and got very
special attention from Ralf Moeller (one of the
Gladiator movie actors) to her boobs.

Head over to JÖNTÜRK & view all the photos. Please come back & give us a brief translation if you get a second!

Update: I’ve included a few especially juicy photos below.

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