Monthly Archives: July 2005

GAP Sacks Overrated Joss Stone!

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Overrated, busted-up, or simply used & abused whore. Whatever you want to call her, Jossie would probably fit the bill. Joss Stone just didn’t deserve that job b/c let’s admit it, in order to have your face plastered on commercials & 20-story NYC billboards, you have to be somewhat hot. I don’t mean to be poking fun @ only Joss b/c that old bitch from Sex & the City (S.J. Parker) also proved that the execs @ Gap were all either smoking too much crack or getting daily blowjobs courtesy of Ms. Parker. Bottom-line is simple, my friends. Gap’s painfully bleeding in style, sales & marketability.

Screw style & sales for now. Let’s talk marketing. Gap’s marketing department seriously needs to get their heads out of their fucking asses & get some hot bitches rockin’ their MADE IN CHINA (for 3cents) line of clothing. If they cannot properly market their shit, how can they ever con kids into believing Gap’s the hottest thing around? Impossible, I tell you.

Anyway, what’s the fake reason for booting Joss that Gap, Inc. is bullshitting ot the press?

People take the age of consent extremely seriously in America. The backbone of Gap’s business is in small towns in Middle America where people are very, very conservative, especially in the Southern Bible Belt.
As a result I think they have made it pretty clear that Stone’s association with the company is over. Big companies such as Gap always err on the side of caution. [GAP Rep, contactmusic]

Ok, now let’s look @ some photos of a lady who should be on one of those ‘smoking is bad for you’ billboards.

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Real World's Melinda Bing Bongin' In Philly!

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Apparently she was @ Finnigan’s Wake in Philly last Thursday partyin’ it up w/ the gang that owns Bing Bong Tables. I wish those dudes requested her to wear something a little sexier than what she had on, but whatever. If the Bastardly ever throws a par-taaay & gets a hold of Petra Nemcova or Jackie Guerrido (let me dream, alright), we will request (ok-ok, beg) that they sport, at the most, skimpy tube tops & ultra-mini miniskirts, but that’s just us being bastards.

Regardless, I think Melinda’s lookin’ pretty cute in those snaps, but you can see 30 Melindas shaking their drunken booties in random bars around PB in San Diego—every night of the week (at least during the summer). They might not have Melinda’s boobage, but you can always get those bolted on for a small fee, right? Right.

Updated - 7/25/05

* more pics are up @ the Bing Bong Table’s site
* Oh, if you don’t want to spice up your party with the RoboSpanker, try a Bing Bong Table. Buy one today!

Anyway, check out some pics from the Bing Bong party below.

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Paris Posing #7 - Marching Whores

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Can it be true?!

Star magazine is reporting that the couple had a spat - purportedly over her pushing the whole elaborate wedding timetable - and she flew home to the United States. And the mag is quoting a fairly reliable source: Paris Latsis’ father. But don’t worry; it’s not breaking Gregory Kasidokostas’ heart. “My son is much too young to marry. His studies come first.” And despite a denial of the split from Hilton’s camp, Star reports that the two Parises aren’t speaking. Sorry, Miss Claudia. I’ll try to do better. [The Plain Dealer]

It’s been a while since there was a messy break-up!

Crappy Spice Girls To Reunite, But Not Really

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There was no way the two Mels will come on board so they had two choices - give it up or go it alone. Victoria, Geri and Emma have met several times and are getting on better than ever.
They all firmly decided this is what they want to do and are determined to see it through - with or without the other two. [Bastard Source, contactmusic]

‘Better than ever’, huh? Riight.

It looks like they want to have sex w/ multiple partners in various locations around the globe once again b/c the Spice Girls (minus 2 Spice Girls w/ brains) are ready for a bullshit reunion tour. It’s also possible they’re running low on cash or Poshie needs a few extra bucks to get that nose job, cheek lift & ass readjusted & can’t convince D. Becks to cough up the dough.

Let’s see, the average Spice Girl fan, when the group managed to hypnotize little kids into watching/listening to their shit, was around 8-9yrs old & now they’re hitting 16-17. Something inside tells me this tour is going to be a a total bust, but Don’t take my word for it.

The only way people (mostly horny guys of all ages) will go see this shit is if the remaining three Spice Girls…

1. Do their shows completely topless
2. Don’t sing, but just dance around topless (with polls scattered around the stage)
3. Both 1 & 2, except this time around, they’re completely naked (also w/ the polls)
4. Or of course, while they’re skankiliciously clothed (not naked or topless) & “singing,” they can just show home sex videos of D. Becks & Posh Spice on the big screen directly adjacent to the stage. That would probably do it for most of the dudes.

If one of those things doesn’t happen, I don’t see this shit going anywhere.

What Really Happened To Natalee Holloway?

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A recent commenter has officially cracked the case. Erin writes,

My theory is that Natalee was with those three guys and after getting drunk with the guys, Natalee went to the beach. At the beach she had rough unprotected sex with all three guys at once or with one guy at a time. After they all cam inside her they got up and left. Natalee was lying on the beach naked at that point, now too tired and exhausted to move after the gangbang. Later, a great white shark may have appeared out of nowhere and took a bite out of Natalee and pulled her into the ocean. She has probably been killed by now by the shark somewhere in the ocean. No evidence of Natalee has been found because all the blood, sperm and any DNA had been washed into the ocean by the waves after she was killed by the shark. I am very sure this is exactly what happened, nobody can be convicted in this case because their was no evidence. [Erin, Bastardly’s Natalee Holloway Post]

So in a few words, Natalee had lots of sex or was a victim of a brutal gangbang courtesy of three bastards & then a shark ate her thereafter, taking all the evidence with it into the ocean.

Erin, you’re a genius. If you would like to share your personal theory of what transpired the night of her mysterious disappearance, please do so below. This might help the Aruban Police Force to crack the case b/c at the moment it appears that they are too busy patrolling Aruba’s red-light district w/ their pants down.

Eva Lonwhoria & Tony Parker In China!

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Tony Parker, like any black man with money, left the bootiful sistahs & crossed the tracks into Latina Country. His name is officially scattered into Eva Longoria’s Outlook calendar for whoring. Let’s see how long he lasts b/c we all know how Eva can be with monogamous relationships.

Since he wanted her all to himself (for at least a long weekend), Tones had to fly her ass thousands of miles away to China. It’s a tough & expensive life when you want to have sex with Eva, so keep that in mind, guys.

As for the snaps, the photos in which Eva has her shirt rolled up, she’s lookin’ mighty delicious, but in the other ones where she’s posing w/ the natives, she’s looking totally blah’d out. I hate it when that happens w/ hot chicks b/c you’re automatically pushed into a pool of doubt & start questioning the chick’s hotness.

Oh well, here are some more snappies.

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Grand Theft Auto Attacks Porn Industry!

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What will they come up with next? Around 10-15 years back, the average age a kid would be exposed to porn would be around the nimble age of 12. Today? 6-8. It’s sad, I tell you.

You’d think videogames would keep kids safe & away from skanky reality shows & soft porn on MTV’s Real World, but it’s all bullshit. Today’s society is so crazy that words like blow jobs, anal sex & tea bagging are common words for 3rd graders. It’s the beauty of the west, baby.

But all that is useless b/c the meat of all this is something even darker. There was a group of talented programmers & designers or maybe it was just one really horny guy, but a lot of time went into making these scandalous additions to the game & I think a reward (or at least a pat on the back) is in order. Come forward, my friend. You’re literally a hero among an entire generation of horndog kids!

More info:
*Watch the video game in action (8mbs)
*More photos below (What’s up w/ all the brothas?!)

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2nd Adoption Super Lottery Winner: Zahara Jolie

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I’m sure all of you have seen photos & read the articles about our Angie’s newest addition to her growing family—a family that still remains fatherless (at least in the public eye).

Angelina’s Family Project is simple & truly unselfish. It has two simple elements:

1. Angie will never birth a child herself.
2. And, she will create a family that’s as diverse as the world w/ kids from literally all around the world.

On that note, Zahara is quite possibly one of the cutest babies I’ve seen in a while. Let’s admit it, babies are usually ugly little creatures who incessantly cry & demand attention from anyone within a 5 feet radius. I think what makes Zahara especially cute (apart from her close proximity to her hot mommy, of course) are her huge eyes & perfectly circular skull structure, but that’s just me being overly critical.

But, talk about luck! My God. To be the kid, out of the millions of other little kiddies running around hungry, lonely & diseased makes Zahara truly fortunate. Winning the Adoption Super Lottery is comparable to winning 3 Cali Lottos—at once! What I mean is that the odds are crazy & no matter how you look at it, they’re against you. So with that in hand, a big congrats to Zahara.

Gus Van Sant's 'Last Days' (Of Kurt Cobain)

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Michael Pitt as Blake & Blake as Kurt Cobain in Van Sant’s Last Days

For those of you not in the click, Gus Van Sant’s making another another film & this time, he brings Kurt Cobain back into the limelight. I’m sure Courtney Love is real happy (behind closed doors, of course) considering CD & merchandise sales will be increasing & hence, provide her w/ more money for food, drugs & airplane tickets @ the expense of her deceased hubs.

How sweet of her to go from a crackwhore to a crackwhore single mother to now an ex-crackwhore who suffers from gluttony.

Anyway, I digress. This new flick is about what Kurt Cobain did in the last couple days of his crazy life. Van Sant says it’s purely fictional, but will people think that when they watch it in a month or 10 years from now? Probably not. Kids will most probably reference the film when doing a bio of Kurt, but oh well.

You can read about it here . If you don’t like to read, just listen to this piece that was on yesterday’s All Things Considered on NPR. Also, don’t forget the trailer.

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