Posts from July 2014

What Really Happened To Natalee Holloway?

 while eating a Bastardly Certified lunch by 825


A recent commenter has officially cracked the case. Erin writes,

My theory is that Natalee was with those three guys and after getting drunk with the guys, Natalee went to the beach. At the beach she had rough unprotected sex with all three guys at once or with one guy at a time. After they all cam inside her they got up and left. Natalee was lying on the beach naked at that point, now too tired and exhausted to move after the gangbang. Later, a great white shark may have appeared out of nowhere and took a bite out of Natalee and pulled her into the ocean. She has probably been killed by now by the shark somewhere in the ocean. No evidence of Natalee has been found because all the blood, sperm and any DNA had been washed into the ocean by the waves after she was killed by the shark. I am very sure this is exactly what happened, nobody can be convicted in this case because their was no evidence. [Erin, Bastardly's Natalee Holloway Post]

So in a few words, Natalee had lots of sex or was a victim of a brutal gangbang courtesy of three bastards & then a shark ate her thereafter, taking all the evidence with it into the ocean.

Erin, you’re a genius. If you would like to share your personal theory of what transpired the night of her mysterious disappearance, please do so below. This might help the Aruban Police Force to crack the case b/c at the moment it appears that they are too busy patrolling Aruba’s red-light district w/ their pants down.

Eva Lonwhoria & Tony Parker In China!

 after a late four martini lunch by 12


Tony Parker, like any black man with money, left the bootiful sistahs & crossed the tracks into Latina Country. His name is officially scattered into Eva Longoria’s Outlook calendar for whoring. Let’s see how long he lasts b/c we all know how Eva can be with monogamous relationships.

Since he wanted her all to himself (for at least a long weekend), Tones had to fly her ass thousands of miles away to China. It’s a tough & expensive life when you want to have sex with Eva, so keep that in mind, guys.

As for the snaps, the photos in which Eva has her shirt rolled up, she’s lookin’ mighty delicious, but in the other ones where she’s posing w/ the natives, she’s looking totally blah’d out. I hate it when that happens w/ hot chicks b/c you’re automatically pushed into a pool of doubt & start questioning the chick’s hotness.

Oh well, here are some more snappies.

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Grand Theft Auto Attacks Porn Industry!

 while thinking about eating a Bastardly Certified lunch by 29

What will they come up with next? Around 10-15 years back, the average age a kid would be exposed to porn would be around the nimble age of 12. Today? 6-8. It’s sad, I tell you.

You’d think videogames would keep kids safe & away from skanky reality shows & soft porn on MTV’s Real World, but it’s all bullshit. Today’s society is so crazy that words like blow jobs, anal sex & tea bagging are common words for 3rd graders. It’s the beauty of the west, baby.

But all that is useless b/c the meat of all this is something even darker. There was a group of talented programmers & designers or maybe it was just one really horny guy, but a lot of time went into making these scandalous additions to the game & I think a reward (or at least a pat on the back) is in order. Come forward, my friend. You’re literally a hero among an entire generation of horndog kids!

More info:
*Watch the video game in action (8mbs)
*More photos below (What’s up w/ all the brothas?!)

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2nd Adoption Super Lottery Winner: Zahara Jolie

 late in the evening by 18


I’m sure all of you have seen photos & read the articles about our Angie’s newest addition to her growing family—a family that still remains fatherless (at least in the public eye).

Angelina’s Family Project is simple & truly unselfish. It has two simple elements:

1. Angie will never birth a child herself.
2. And, she will create a family that’s as diverse as the world w/ kids from literally all around the world.

On that note, Zahara is quite possibly one of the cutest babies I’ve seen in a while. Let’s admit it, babies are usually ugly little creatures who incessantly cry & demand attention from anyone within a 5 feet radius. I think what makes Zahara especially cute (apart from her close proximity to her hot mommy, of course) are her huge eyes & perfectly circular skull structure, but that’s just me being overly critical.

But, talk about luck! My God. To be the kid, out of the millions of other little kiddies running around hungry, lonely & diseased makes Zahara truly fortunate. Winning the Adoption Super Lottery is comparable to winning 3 Cali Lottos—at once! What I mean is that the odds are crazy & no matter how you look at it, they’re against you. So with that in hand, a big congrats to Zahara.

Gus Van Sant's 'Last Days' (Of Kurt Cobain)

 after a late four martini lunch by 2


Michael Pitt as Blake & Blake as Kurt Cobain in Van Sant’s Last Days

For those of you not in the click, Gus Van Sant’s making another another film & this time, he brings Kurt Cobain back into the limelight. I’m sure Courtney Love is real happy (behind closed doors, of course) considering CD & merchandise sales will be increasing & hence, provide her w/ more money for food, drugs & airplane tickets @ the expense of her deceased hubs.

How sweet of her to go from a crackwhore to a crackwhore single mother to now an ex-crackwhore who suffers from gluttony.

Anyway, I digress. This new flick is about what Kurt Cobain did in the last couple days of his crazy life. Van Sant says it’s purely fictional, but will people think that when they watch it in a month or 10 years from now? Probably not. Kids will most probably reference the film when doing a bio of Kurt, but oh well.

You can read about it here . If you don’t like to read, just listen to this piece that was on yesterday’s All Things Considered on NPR. Also, don’t forget the trailer.

Ass Sizes @ The Office

 while thinking about eating a Bastardly Certified lunch by 2

Our office potluck involved some measuring today…

1. Office Woman A - 17″ (The “healthy” one)
2. Office Woman B - 13″
3. Office Woman C - 15″
4. Office Woman D - 10″ (The “skinny” one)

Procedure: Take a 12″ ruler & hold it up against your ass. Ask another co-worker to help you.

Jude Law: Bastard Manwhore or Sexualitarian?

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She can’t face the world. The full implications of Jude’s betrayal have now hit home. She’s in bits. It’s like there’s been a death in the family. [The Mirror]

For a guy who has the word ‘Law’ in his name, Jude keeps breaking the most basic law of a healthy relationship—over & over again! Is Jude Law’s just a nice guy or a manwhore?

His mom favors the nice guy theory in which Jude is a sexualitarian. A Sexualitarian is a gentlemen who has high potential to attract women of all types & unselfishly feed their sexual hunger. Once this initial attraction is achieved, the attracted woman will naturally want a bite. In response, Jude will provide his healing stick in order to ease the sexual tension between Jude & the attracted female. Here are a few words leaked from a bastard source close to Mommy Law.

Maggie [Mommy Law] loves Jude very much but thinks he was very foolish.

She told him he’s got to resist when women throw themselves at him.

Damn those women. Damn them.

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