MoeJackson

The woman has lost it. Just look at her, for God’s sake.

If you thought she had nothing going for herself prior to the divorce, you’re in for a surprise. Tori’s officially inside an emotional rollercoaster & will soon ride through the normal bouts of what we like to refer to as, “Superficial Depression.”

This rare (ok, it’s not that rare) case of depression includes some or all of the following:

1. Complete, utter misery—gallons & gallons of tears will flow (b/c life is just soooo hard!)
2. Internet shopping sprees b/c you don’t want to go outside & face your friends (the paparazzi)
3. Suicidal tendencies, but fortunately 99% of those people who make such a consideration are cowards & naturally, cowards will not kill themselves.
4. Cocaine (she will start w/ sniffy-sniffy but gradually move to smokey-smokey
5. Sleeping around—to find “that person”
6. Couple more faulty marriages as a result of whoring
6. Heroin, if cocaine doesn’t cut it
7. Pills to compliment the cocaine/heroin
8. Rehab
9. More rehab after the first attempt fails
10. She’ll write a book talking about how rough her life has been (written by some random 8-5 editor, of course)
11. And lastly, an interview (probably w/ Vanity Fair) talking about the book & her rough, shitty life.

May God have mercy on you, Tori. Oh, one more thing: While you’re treading the rough waters of Superficial Depression, could you please get some plastic surgery? See you on the other side.